my mind is my weapon cocked and loaded 18+ @imthegreenfairy86 - Tumblr Blog

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Oh, I am so sorry to hear that (read that). You are cool person! Ya know what, I think I can give you advice. You see, I used to blame myself for literally everything - cause of course It's me - too weak, too naive, a loser etc. With this shitty condition I had only two ways - kms finally or blame someone else - ang guess what did I choose. So everyday since then I woke up and let my hate flow like a damn river. I curse aaaaaaall the bitches who made my life worse (politicans) I curse this damn cruel world, I curse this shitty shitty mortalkind. No ordnung no mercy holy shit I hate it here.

Of course I'm not hurting my family and friends, even strangers - why should I do that? But oh boy, the whole realm now receives my hate and sincere despise. Like YOU MADE ME THIS WAY NOW GET THE FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR BITCH I REFUSE TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, FUCK YOU! So yeah. Since then I just, ugh, whatever bitches, I did nothing wrong in my life, I just appeared here and tried my best, and you know what? You can't swim if everything tryes to drown you, including your own body. It's bullshit.

So yeah, I refuse to hurt myself, fuck them all. Wish you best.

Thank you nonnie.

Self abuse was something dealt with a lot as a teen and into my early 20s. It's definitely something that needs to be talked about more and funded more because mental health is a serious thing especially for those who struggle with it. I am proud of you for pulling through and coming out the other side.

#nonnie ask

I want to burn everything I've been for the past several years.

I've been in pain. I've been making excuses. I've been emotional, tired, scared, sad, angry and I am so sick of it. I'm sick of trying to find myself when she's been screaming at me this whole time to do something different. Change my routines, change the way I look at myself the way i feel about things. Weight, dressing the way I should. I want to stop all of the outside inputs and start to find me again.

And I am still scared. Terrified and tired and in pain and tired of being tired.

I want to start and that terrifies me. I want to make myself accountable and that scares me and I don't want to do it because I want to look a certain way or be skinny I want to do it to feel better. To not wake up in pain everyday to start loving and living life again with my husband.

I need to start and I need to make small changes. I know it won't happen overnight and it may take time and some days I might not get done what I want but I need to understand that I'm not just starting over each day I'm continuing to do better.

I am going to order one of those walking pads. I have weights to use but I just want to start moving my body regularly. And since I never leave my house unless it is necessary. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but like am I just agoraphobia or just my anxiety. Going to a grocery store? Forget it! My anxiety is fucking ridiculous I forget half of the shit I need to get. I see my clients at work and that's literally all I leave the house for lately and my doctor appointments. Which are endless.

It's all so much and so daunting and never ending. Literally nothing is going to change unless I change it. Nothing is just going to fall into my lap. I have to do it myself.

#I'm so fed up with myself #nothing changes if nothing changes

jhaenyra

*RUNS*

don’t need to tell twice, i become The Flash

Yeah so that last episode of Vox Machina was just too much.

And then Laudna?? I'm having an emotional breakdown

I like feeling sexy at 40.

I love your oc. She's amazing! Are you still in the tmnt fandom? Also apologies if this question is weird or anything but is Gina Carano the base design for your oc emerald?

Yes Gina Carano is my inspo for Emerald. And obviously self insert. But Gina was my first inspiration because she's so beautiful to me, and strong. (Not counting the recent fight with Rhonda. I don't wanna talk about it 🫠)

Emerald was created for an old fan fiction I did with a group of friends that was really fun. I miss writing her and I miss that universe.

#my emerald #emerald stone #my baby girl #nonnie ask

Also can I ask your oc some questions?

Sure.

#bored on a sunday #ask away #nonnie ask

I want to get into the tmnt fandom but am concerned because it doesn't look like there's much activity in the fandom which makes me sad

Write whatever makes you happy. Don't do it for other people because people will always have a problem with something you do. Something you say, how you write a certain character, how you draw them. Someone will have something negative to say about it because everyone has an opinion that differs from your own. And a lot of people don't know the difference between opinions and fact. Do it for you and your own peace and happiness. It's so scarce nowadays.

#do what makes you happy #nonnie ask

Ik the fic was posted in like 2023 but the modern mafia au with the reader as Karl’s assistant did you ever write a second part for it? If so would you still do it 👀

I honestly haven't written anything in awhile. I need to get back into writing it was a wonderful escape. But lately life be lifeing.

#writers block #brain no good no more #nonnie ask

Leon is so thicccccc. I wanna use his ass as a chew toy!!

#f u Capcom #why you always do this to me???#God forbid if they ever come out with a tmnt game #I'd lose my mind

Today is my 40th.

I'm not sure how to feel about that or like... It's fucking weird.

I feel like I'm still a teenager or in my 20s, mentally. Physically I'm a fucking mess lmao.

My husband worked last night so he's sleeping. I'm by myself in our house and I just don't know wtf to do with myself. I have today off and I should be like yay it's my birthday but I'm just like... Fuckin who cares? Lol it's just another day.

But everyone in my life was like what are you doing? Are you and El doing something special?? No. We're both tired from working to try and make ends meet. We don't have the money to do anything special. Would I have loved like a surprise party? Of course. Have I ever told Ellery I wanted a party like that, nope! And then I get sad when nothing happens and my husband didn't read my mind. Lol.

When you're on, you're on!

I've heard that my entire life. You're so awesome when you apply yourself! You do such a good job when you're present and able to.

Most of the time I am unable to due to depression, anxiety, migraines what have you.

Do I wish it was different? Yes. I want to work at 100% 100% of the time. But I can't. No one really can. I work at 50 present most days and others I'm on like 10. So, I don't know how to explain that shit during a review. Like yeah no kidding I do better when I'm literally doing better. Would I like to be a normal function human being??? Yeah obviously. I have a therapist working on it with me. I'm just fucking tired all the time. Like lethargic. Like I don't fuckin care one way or the other. But I do always care deeply, so when I put things off that I care about like work I basically hold off til the last minute to do them it's exhausting. And the easiest solution is like don't do that. Do it day by day little by little so it doesn't stack up and makes your head go scanners and explode.

And new diagnosis like PMDD which I've told my doctors I've had this before and they just are like yeah! A lot of women have it ........ Cool! Do we wanna do anything about it??? Since it makes me feel like I'm fucking manic 80% of the time!

No of course not. Why study women's health? They don't matter.