Incorrect Clarkson, Hammond & May Quotes

Some say they never said this... All we know is, they didn't.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Richard Hammond: I'm not short, you guys are just mean.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

The Age of Jezza

Jeremy Clarkson: I'm not getting older!

Richard Hammond: ...

Jeremy Clarkson: I'm getting better!

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

I swear to God, Clarkson, my life was somewhat normal before I met you.

James May, of course

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Andy Wilman: I’m not angry with you.

Jeremy Clarkson: Oh, that’s a relief. I was REALLY worried. No, hold on. I really wasn’t.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Richard Hammond: Maybe I am insane. I mean, I am talking to myself.

James May: You are? Oh, I thought I’d made a friend.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Jeremy Clarkson: If anything goes wrong, fake a heart attack.

James May: What are we thinking? The classic Angina or something sexier, like a Myocardial Infarction?

Richard Hammond: Just drop to the ground and wiggle.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Mindy Hammond: I'm volunteering at the animal hospital.

Richard Hammond: [excitedly] Animal hospital?

Mindy Hammond: The animals are the patients.

Richard Hammond: [visibly disappointed] That makes sense.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Jeremy Clarkson: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone.

Andy Wilman: And I need you to be less vague and less weird.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Richard Hammond: Who's that?

Jeremy Clarkson: Piers Morgan.

Richard Hammond: He's got a very punchable face.

Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah, I noticed that.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

James May: [while fighting with Richard] Your baby isn’t even that cute.

Jeremy Clarkson: Too far, James, too far!

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Richard Hammond: Jeremy? Do you have something you’d like to say?

Jeremy Clarkson: Yes, thank you. May, when I first met you, I didn’t care for you at all. You were a fussy, whiny control freak.

James May: Yes? And now?

Jeremy Clarkson: Now… it doesn’t bother me so much.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Oh, my God, I care so little I almost passed out.

Richard Hammond, to Jeremy Clarkson (after one of the latter’s talks about Alfa Romeo)

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Jeremy Clarkson: [running away] I’m going back to my car because I don’t want to be the one who dies!

Richard Hammond: He’s a real teamplayer, isn’t he?

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Jeremy Clarkson, there’s something you’d better understand about me ‘cause it’s important, and one day your life may depend on it: I am definitely a mad man with a toolbox!

James May, likely

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Captain Slow(ly getting older)

James May: The whole thing is a scam.

Jeremy Clarkson: What is?

James May: Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Jeremy Clarkson: Yeah, I get that there are moments, small moments, infrequent moments, where I’m not the easiest guy to work with, but who the hell is?

James May: I am.

Jeremy Clarkson: Well, it helps that you’re drunk most of the time.

[incorrect-chm-quotes]

Richard Hammond: We're taking James on board?

Andy Wilman: We are.

Richard Hammond: Don't know if I see the percentage in that.

Jeremy Clarkson: Don't strain your brain trying. You might break something.