Incorrect Dimitrescu Family

sometimes a family can be three unhinged cannibals and their vampire mom

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Ethan: You’re as pale as a ghost, the light bounces off your skin... I know what you are.

Lady D: Say it. SAY IT.

Ethan, whispering: Iron deficient

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Daniela: Any last requests???

Maid: Yeah. Let me go.

Daniela:

Daniela: [turns to Lady D]

Lady D: Of course we don’t let her go!

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Bela: Hi, excuse me, I’m lost and I can’t find my family.

Stranger: Okay.. What do they look like?

Bela: Mother is a stunningly beautiful, statuesque specimen of a creature, with perfectly coiffed hair, eyes like flames in a starless night, and a demeanour that is as intimidating - nay, awe-inspiring - as it is breathtaking, sublime, and enchanting to whomsoever looks upon her.

Bela: My sisters look stupid

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Lady D: Daughters!!! What happened?! Are you hurt??

Cassandra: I was trying to let go of my rage and dropped a sickle on my foot!!

Lady D: Well. Okay... 

Lady D, turning to Daniela: Then what happened to you?

Daniela: I laughed so hard I burst a blood vessel in my nose. It’s cool

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Lady D: Would one of you like to explain to me why more than half of our maidens are no longer maidens?

Daniela: Global warming

Lady D: Elaborate.

Daniela: Earth hot = girl hot. Bug girls cold. Bug girls need hot girl to live

Lady D: That still doesn’t explain-

Cassandra: Do you want us do die, Mother? We were forced to seek out the warmth of hot maidens!!

Lady D: We have no less than fifty fireplaces for you three to warm yourselves at! That's no reason to ruin this year's harvest...

Lady D: Bela, you've been quiet. What is your excuse?

Bela: ..Horny?

            -submitted by @second-drawer-on-the-left

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Bela: Mother! Why would you give Daniela a sickle?!

Lady D: She felt unsafe.

Bela: Well, now I feel unsafe.

Lady D: 

Lady D: Would you also like a sickle?

Bela: yes

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Lady D: Goodness! Why are my hands so shaky today?

Daniela: Your skeleton is ready to hatch!

Lady D:

Lady D: Well that’s fucking ominous, thank you

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Cassandra: Seriously, Bela, I think we need to get you to Mother.

Bela, literally frozen on the floor: [holds a soprano G note for 13 seconds]

Bela: now does that sound… like a woman… who needs to be taken to Mother…

Cassandra:

Cassandra: ..Yeah dude

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Lady D: Thank you for babysitting Daniela, Donna! How did it go?

Donna: Well I told her she couldn’t devour man-flesh for breakfast and she told me I wasn’t her best friend, so we made a compromise

Lady D: ...which was?

Donna: She can have all the man-flesh she wants and now I’m her bestest friend in the entire world

Lady D:

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Cassandra: One time Bela got really mad at us and she was yelling “HOW AM I RELATED TO YOU IMBECILES?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW BASIC MATH? DANIELA, WHAT’S TWO PLUS TWO”

Cassandra: And stupid Daniela wasn’t paying attention

Cassandra: So I leaned over to her and whispered “seven” and she blurted out “SEVEN” and I have never laughed harder and doubt I ever will

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Bela: Cassandra, the problem is that you haven’t done the dishes for 3 years!

Cassandra: That’s what the maids are for!!

Bela: We killed the last maids 4 years ago!!!

Bela: I am so embarrassed when people come over here to visit.

Cassandra:

Cassandra: WHEN PEOPLE COME OVER HERE TO VISIT, WE KILL THEM

Cassandra: VAMPIRES DON’T DO DISHES

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Lady D: Swear words are now against the rules. If you say one, no torturing maidens for a month.

Cassandra: Heck.

Lady D: You're on thin fucking ice.

Lady D:

Lady D: Oh no

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Lady D: Now, what are the best ways to take care of your mental health? I’ll start! Talk about your feelings. Keep active.

Moreau: Grow gills

Mother Miranda: Dismember a baby

Donna: Kiss your dolls gently

Bela: Lie down in the dirt and let the earth slowly reclaim you

Lady D:

Lady D: Stay hydrated!

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Lady D: Bela, do you know where your sister is? I’m getting worried...

Bela: Mother, Cassandra is a stone-cold bitch who loves drinking, big sickles, and trouble. If she’s dead, it’s probably because she got wasted and offered Mother Miranda a handjob or something

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Lady D: Daniela, care to explain why there are 6 dogs in the castle?

Daniela: They’re golden retrievers, Mother. They retrieve gold. I did this for us

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In the deep dark depths of the Four Lords group chat...

Daniela: lol im dying help

Donna: Truly, aren’t we all...

Heisenberg: good lmao

Lady D: Is this more of your bizarre slang, Daniela?

Daniela: no im legit dying

Daniela: the man-thing broke into the library and opened all the windows

Daniela: the lol is just a habit

Daniela: [sends blurry pic of herself crystallised on the ground, dabbing]

Several people are typing...

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Daniela: Sisters, I have girl problems!!

Bela: As in “I got her blood all over Mother’s nice white couch” problems?

Cassandra: “She has low blood sugar and tastes like trash” problems?

Bela: “I can’t decide how best to season her flesh”?

Cassandra: “Her corpse won’t fit inside the barrel”?

Daniela: No! I....... have a crush on a girl!

Bela: Um. Ew

Cassandra: Literally what the fuck Daniela

Bela: Get therapy