actual, very real things the hargreeveses have said

[incorrecthargreeves]

Like Diego always says: when one door closes, choose a nearby wall and bash it in with brute force.

Ben Hargreeves

[incorrecthargreeves]

Pogo: I want you to talk with your father.

Luther: Well, that sounds fun.

Diego: Yeah? You know what else sounds fun? Stabbing myself in the face with this fork.

[incorrecthargreeves]

Five: You think yourself above them?

Handler: Well, yes.

[incorrecthargreeves]

I’m 147 pounds of pale skin and fragile bone. Sarcasm is my only defence!

Klaus Hargreeves

[incorrecthargreeves]

Diego: It's six against two. How many can you take?

Klaus: Uh, let's see. [hides behind him] None!

Diego: Oh, good.

[incorrecthargreeves]

Diego: But we're the Umbrella Academy! We have Klaus and Allison - and Anya!

Vanya: It's Vanya.

Diego: Oh, sorry. I was trying to include someone outside the inner circle.

Vanya: There's an inner circle?

[incorrecthargreeves]

Five: I'm not afraid.

Diego: Neither am I.

Klaus: Well, I am terrified! These guys are professional killers! It's their profession!

[incorrecthargreeves]

Handler: What is that? Is that a grenade? Is that what that is? What are you using it for?

Five: I don't have to answer that.

Handler: I thought you said you had nothing to hide.

Five: I don't have to answer that either.

[incorrecthargreeves]

Klaus: A beep! Is that a good beep?

Diego: ... the tracker's got a lock on our targets.

Klaus: [hugging the computer] Oh, good, good beep.

Diego: Can you not be weird? Please?

[incorrecthargreeves]

Klaus: Come on, these things happen for a reason!

Ben: Yeah. You.

[incorrecthargreeves]

Allison: We shouldn't have come. I knew it. We shouldn't have come.

Diego: We had to, there's safety in numbers.

Allison: There's also death in numbers, Diego. It's called a massacre.

[incorrecthargreeves]

Luther: It's inside what matters. Right?

Diego: Who told you that, loser?

[incorrecthargreeves]

Five: You’re too sensitive. People like you shouldn’t kill.

Klaus: ...thanks, great advice!

[incorrecthargreeves]

Five’s messing with me because I’m not intimidating like Luther or dignified like Diego. Or model-handsome like Diego. Or funny like Diego.

Klaus Hargreeves

[incorrecthargreeves]

Diego: Klaus is missing. Can you find him?

Pogo: What, you think I have him microchipped?

Diego: Well, do you?

Pogo: ... yes.

[incorrecthargreeves]

I fart in your general direction!

Five, while drunk, to his brothers

[incorrecthargreeves]

Diego: No, I took some advice.

Vanya: From whom?

Diego: From who?

Vanya: From whom?

Diego: I'm not doing it if you put the 'm' on the end.

Vanya: Alright, from who?