NO FUCKING FIGHTING!

direct from the BBC (I swear). submissions welcome!

[lord-armitage]

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Ada: What's the best way to clear a paper jam?

Tommy: I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Polly: Can we talk about the letter you sent everyone?

Tommy: It was a critical update.

Polly: It just said "I'm back on my bullshit."

Tommy: The people needed to know.

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

I want to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk. My two true passions.

John Shelby

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat Kettle Chips?

Alfie Solomons

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Tommy: Grace and I don’t have pet names for each other.

Polly: Uh huh. Thomas, what do bees make?

Tommy: Honey?

Grace, from the other room: Yes, baby?

Polly: Don't you ever lie to me again.

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Ada: when I was small -

Arthur [laughing]: when?

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Grace: Truth or dare?

Tommy: Truth.

Grace: How many hours have you slept this week?

Tommy: Dare.

Grace: Go to sleep.

Tommy: I don't like this game.

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Finn: Do I even lift? Yeah bro I lift. I lift your spirits up. How have you been? Everything ok? I miss you. Let’s grab lunch sometime.

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

The only reason I didn't tell you guys is because I don't value you as people.

Thomas Shelby

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Michael: Tommy's gonna kill me, isn't he? How fucked do you lot think I am? On the fuck-o-meter, where am I

Polly: Oh, 12?

Arthur: Yeah. 12, say

Michael: Out of what?

Polly: Erm... 50.

Arthur: Oh. Mine was out of 10.

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Ada: First, we should make a list of our enemies.

Tommy: So I’ve already made up a list of enemies, which I’ve narrowed down from twenty-six to five.

Ada: Just in London?

Tommy: Just in this building.

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Tommy: What’s the signal if something goes wrong?

Arthur: How about “Oh shit"?

Tommy: That’s good.

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Polly: Does Tommy ever sleep?

Lizzie: I think he periodically makes a whirring noise and then shuts down.

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon.

Alfie Solomons

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Tommy: I wasn’t injured. I was lightly stabbed.

Grace: I’m sorry, you were stabbed!?

Tommy: LIGHTLY stabbed. I didn’t want to frighten you.

[incorrectpeakyblinders]

Tommy: We need to talk about -

Arthur: The building was on fire when I got there.

Tommy: What?

Arthur: What?