teeny tiny xmas (aka life) miracle...
so, my beloved dudies, i really have to share this one with ya.
last day i posted a few lines iâve written after an incredible biOtchy day or two. but this time it wasnât enough, to just let the words free to spread in the cold air of december, they simply got frozen and lost in time, as well as i was. but then, as i was crying in my closet (i have this walking closet which is amazing, i always wished i had one to make it my own "creative cave") and this idea fell from nowhere, straight into my skull, and kinda crack it open for light to come in - or, perhaps, for it to show out. i wonât tell you what exactly this idea consists in, but it involves going places (specifically one place i am going to go, thatâs the only thing i know, for now, but itâs just perfect). i am a way too rational person, though, which is kinda my blessing and my curse, if i have to tell ya, but anyways the voice of fear and mistrust iâm not always capable of shutting up in my head suggested... what if i was only taking that decision because i was upset, as i âalwaysâ do? and, man, did that bring me down again. so what i did is i prayed.
I asked the Universe for any sign that would make me understand whether i was really back on tracks again, or not.
(since i knew those shitty days had happened because i wasnât)
thatâs really all i did. i closed my eyes, inhaled and simply, with all of the humbleness i could find within my soul, i asked.
and then i forgot, as i âalwaysâ do. things have gone better almost immediately afterwards but only now i see that might have been my sign. either way, i think about it as the first one, since iâve like finally managed to write my first song, i finally am at peace with myself and the world again - no, not only âat peaceâ, iâm seriously thrilled about life again, and it feels awesome. all of my fears have gone, my doubts have been cleared but what amazes me the most is that that room is now empty. or, iâd better say, it is now free. it has not been simply replaced by something else, like it always happens, it is not perceived as âvoidâ - rather it is, but it doesnât feel scary anymore. my horror vacui is healing, finally. (this is a looong story that happened between me and myself, it is not the time now to tell it). oh! and the lights kept turning green exactly when i needed them to, yesterday, on my walk to the groceryâs... and i kept wondering what that was supposed to mean, LOL!
so, being back on the main topic, last night i finally decide to watch a documentary on netflix i havenât so far (and iâve seen all of them, quite, because i have issues -and iâm fuckân bored-) because everytime i felt like it wasnât its time yet. but last night, i knew it had come. iâm talking about âAwake: the life of Yoganandaâ, which got me so fizzy i had to stop it after a few minutes to go re-establish my connection to the big U. yesterday, i have some spare time before going to bed, so keep on watching. i arrive at the point where they explain why he was freakân loved by christians as well, which is basically yogananda loved jesus too, and kept him on his altar along with krishna etc.
he said jesus is representative to the human kind, of what human being are capable of. it shows that we are all gods and goddesses, and iâve been so afraid to tell people i see it this way because... i am from freaking italy and you just canât reason with most catholics (i said MOST, please). but finding out that there has been (at least) someone whoâs been preaching this way before my grandmother was even thought of being conceived, cracked me once for all. the amount of thankfulness i felt, cannot be told nor shall it, i think.
but that was moment, i knew that was the sign i asked for.
itâs very unfortunate that you canât experience it wholly as i did just by reading this miserable tumblr post, but completely out of the blue, these tiny details started flashing in my head, pow pow pow, and the perfectness of the moment rose at each and every one of them (incredibly).
i think this year, this so much hated by everyone 2k16, has been a very crucial year. i, to be personal, have finally learnt one of my lessons (one that iâve failed the test on for so long, and always for so little) and i found another one that needs to be learnt yet.
i am confident, in the Universeâs hands.
good vibes to all of you,
ellievsbear
snowghoul
amandla
vaporwave
andulkaphoto
