It's been several years - Grief
Good morning, all.
It's been a few years since I've written on Tumblr. I've had quite writer's block in my fingers. But the brain has had and still has lots it wants written down.
If I would just let my fingers do what they do on the keyboard with my brain energy behind them, you would see a plethora of words that would not make sense.
I want to sell stories. I want to put down the facts of my day. What truth I have before me. Things like I feel old. I am in my sixties. But my brain tells me I'm still in my forties. My physical body feels and works like I'm in my eighties.
And the body pain. The trapped nerves due to being a pedestrian hit by a car. Yes, that happened to me, and I live daily with nerves pinched in my tailbone down to my feet. I'm tired of having to take medicine at various times of the day.
Getting out of bed in the morning is quite painful. Even being awakened with pain during the night just because I need to roll to my back or side. Sometimes I need to get up to take more medication.
Why do I title using the word, Grief?
I don't need to define the year 2020. We all understand that it was deadly in many ways. Not only did people die from a ravaging virus*, but we also all died to some extent. I'm one of the last Boomers. Born early 1960's. I know what a slow death is. Slow death is what we all experienced with a rapid jump in the year 2020.
The year 2021. We were all confined by a mutating virus. Scientists were able to quickly find a way for the body to fight the virus. Administer a vaccine to boost the immune system. Yet, with a virus so strong the vaccine requires strength also. We see that those who are immune compromised had trouble when receiving the vaccine. Their bodies just couldn't hand that strong of a vaccine. Were they even able to create some immunity to the virus? Also, the accident that put me in a wheelchair for several months. Broken fibula at the top near the knee. Totally popped off and displaced. I was hit by a car as I crossed the street while having the crosswalk light. I am left with permanent nerve pain. Stress and grief are struggles. I, unfortunately, allowed these two to dominate my life.
The year 2022 saw my continued recovery from being hit by a car. Now, really, why am I still stressed over having been hit by a car? My thoughts on stress. We all have levels of stress in our lives. When there is constant pain with doing anything, that is a stress that can't be denied. Past the physical stress, let us look at mental and emotional stress. This was the year that I really felt the age of my parents. Both turn 93 years old. Dad had stopped driving a long time ago. Health issues due to disease processes caused him to say no to driving. Mom kept driving until she said she wasn't safe anymore. That day was when she took Dad to the eye doctor and he had one of his semi-conscious episodes. She had to call friends for help. They were close and lived close. This was the beginning of me needing to do more for my parents. No longer did my Mom drive. They were living in independent housing in a retirement facility.
I was working 40 hours a week. I was tired. Stressed and in anticipatory grief. I was just waiting for the call of a parent's death. This being that my parents were well into their 90's. Anticipatory grief is unwanted stress. There are personalities that can put that grief to the side. Then there is me. My parents were my everything. I never married. I lived alone. We lived in the same HOA community for 17 years. NOW, I don't need anyone to say that it was unhealthy for us to live in the same HOA. We didn't live in the same house! I worked full-time. They were completely independent.
In 2023, I went to part-time work in June. This was because my parents were now 94 years old and needed more assistance. And by August, they were in Assisted Living. Mom had spent a few times in the hospital and in rehab. My dad was declining in memory and had issues with taking his meds. Dad was stubborn and would not agree to go to Assisted Living. I spent increasingly more time with them. It was an honor to care for them. I loved them deeply. They were my all.
In February of 2024, my mom was terribly ill. We nearly lost her. She was a ball of energy even at 93 years old. The whole family came together as we thought we were saying "Good-bye." She became better and was in rehab again for the third time. Dad then became ill and he was hospitalized. I spent a lot of time with him in the hospital and going back and forth to Mom in rehab. When he was released, I said that we were going to be with Mom. He answered downheartedly. I asked him where he wanted to go and he said, "The cemetery." Dad was tired. Tired of life and tired of feeling bad. He would ask every day why he was still here. I became tired and sad for him. His words hurt me. I know that life ends. I'm a nurse of 39 years. I worked in Hospice. Yet doesn't mean that saying good-bye at death is easier.
I miss my parents. It has been a year and a half that Dad has passed. It will be a year in December that Mom passed away. Tears come suddenly and sometimes last for a long time. I know that I am fortunate that I had such loving parents. Parents who loved each other for 73 years. Not many people can say that.
Today, Oct 9 2025, I sit down to write. To write something that comes to mind. Somthing that is strong on my heart. Words that heal and not break down. Grief. We all go through it differently and in different times. There is no timeline for grieving. Can happiness be found in grief? Can joy come from grieving? The answer is "Yes." Missing someone deeply means you loved them deeply and carry many memories in your heart. Remembering the fun times. Remember and laugh. With laughter there is joy. With joy there is happiness. Love hurts. Love deeply.
*COVID-19
