Developing Emotional Intelligence Pt. 3
Today I want to discuss strategies for the successful communication of the emotions.
Believe it or not, positive self-evaluations are a great starting place for positive communications with others. Having a healthy inner dialogue is important for a number of reasons. I have found that our perception of the world is simply a mirroring of the content of our mental/emotional inner world. As you think, so shall you perceive. If your inner dialogue is self-depricating, is distrustful, insecure, violent, and so on, then your perception of the world and of others will be biased to identify those things at every available opportunity. In addition, our thoughts are the root of our behaviors. If you want to change your behavior, then your best bet is to change your thoughts. That sounds simple enough right? Well thankfully it's NOT one of those things which is easier said then done.
Before I continue, let me explain a few things.
The Self-concept is a relatively stable set of perceptions which you hold of yourself.
Your Self-esteem is a part of your Self-concept which involves evaluations of self-worth.
Now if there is one thing that I find fascinating about the Self-concept its that it is highly subjective, so the way we view ourselves may vary from the way others perceive us. In fact, the way we perceive ourselves can and often will be incongruent with observable facts. As you can imagine, when it comes to your self-esteem, this fact can prove troublesome. Poor self-esteem happens, as does arrogance, and the reasons for these are simple.
(a) Your self-estimations can be based on obsolete information.
(b) Your self-estimations can be based on distorted feedback.
Both of these reasons are pretty simple. For the first reason, perhaps what you think of yourself was true once upon a time, but it isn't true today. The second reason means that you evaluate yourself in accordance with the reactions you get from others. If those reactions are situational (only relative under a specific circumstance) or are coming from people who are either set out to put you down no matter what, or who sugar coat things so not to hurt your feelings, then you might think yourself to be better or worse at something than you actually are.
When it comes to poor self-esteem, the myth of perfection and social expectations also play crucial roles in what we think of ourselves. The myth of perfection can lead you to never accept compliments, and fail to recognize your own value, because you will consider yourself to never be good enough. Likewise, if you know that someone is expecting you to perform at a certain level, and you fail to meet the standard of excellence someone else has placed for you, then you are likely to think of yourself as a failure when in fact you may be quite talented.
The bottom line is that it is important to investigate your Self-concept and reconcile your self-esteem so as to create the most accurate evaluation of yourself as possible. This will vastly improve your communications with others. So, here is how we monitor our inner dialogue.
For a week...maybe even two weeks...carry around note taking materials with you. Whenever you find yourself having an emotional reaction follow these steps:
1. Note the activating event.
2. Record your "Self Talk"
It's that simple. Do the same thing when you find yourself having any automatic thoughts which just seem to happen on their own. You may not realize what the activating event is for those, so for step one you can note what you were doing when the thought occurred to you, and of course write down what the thought was, then move on to step two.
At the end of your week or two, read over your notes. You are probably going to recognize a pattern which you didn't notice before that tells you something profound about why you do what you do. At that time you can move on to step three: Dispute your irrational beliefs/behaviors.
You can do this pretty easily by answering this short series of questions about whatever it is you are disputing.
-Is this factually accurate?
-Is this in my best interest?
-Does this make my life easier or more difficult?
-Does this get me what I desire or what I do not desire?
After you answer those questions, if you decide to erase or replace a behavior or line of thinking, then come up with a plan of action to do so. I always say, whatever you feed will grow, and whatever you starve will fester and die. Change your behavior by doing the opposite. Being less angry is the same as being happy more often. If you constantly put yourself down, then use affirmations to say positive things about yourself.
Your subconscious WILL adopt new patterns and WILL change your behavior. It only needs Repetition and/or Emotion...preferably both. That means, do something repeatedly, and have some personal emotions invested in that habit. Before you know it, it will become second nature.
The last thing to say is that this exercise will be easier if you have someone joining you. You don't have to do it alone. Support networks are invaluable assets when it comes to personal development. Think about it.
Next time I will be discussing language patterns, and some strategies for helping you change the way you talk to others to make you more personable and to avoid undue conflict.