its 0720. i kiss it goodbye. a hot pain shoots down my right thigh as i mount my bike. i have a bad habit of not downshifting before stops, this morning is no different; im in way too high gear. ive been paying attention to what gears ive been using on flat ground over the past couple weeks as ive been biking more. from 2:4 to 2:5 to 2:7. last night i steadied myself around 3:3 or 3:4 as i was working to stay alongside her. bad habits aside, thats progress*. real. measurable. putting my full weight onto my right leg as i start pedaling, im in 3:5. i always stabilize with my left and start with my right. it quivers slightly. my pedals bite into the treads of my boots as i rest into the saddle. more weight is on my arms now. my shoulders ache, my biceps ache, my right arm stings as my bandage shifts as i move
*biking is interesting to me in the way you progress as you get stronger. at a certain point you run out of higher gears. and after that it just gets easier. you cant push yourself unless you start biking faster. biking is a low-impact exercise, theres no sudden stop in motion like there is when you run. i happen to like a higher resistance as i bike. it makes my legs burn. it makes me feel powerful
its cold enough for me to choose to wear my motocross jersey. its softer than the tee i was wearing earlier anyway. im pedaling hard now. sweat drips down my chest, it stings. light streaks of pink coming through the white mesh fabric, thats gonna be hard to wash out. every bump i ride over sends bolts of pain through my arm and legs. i ride a 21-speed hardtail and my suspension has been kinda shot for a while, 10 years with no maintenance. i wince and exhale hard. my breath is hot as it leaves my lungs. despite my smoking habit, my breathing has slowed since i started biking more, though my resting heartrate is still around 83. ive changed myself because of her... maybe for her. i know shes changed me. shes the reason this bike ride is so blissfully agonizing
theres a surprising amount of elevation change on this route. bridges, underpasses, little hills, even some small drops where the route hasnt been maintained properly. i have to downshift quite frequently. my shifter lets me drop 3 gears at a time. pedaling faster makes my legs burn. as i reach the apex of each incline i quickly upshift to regain lost momentum. pressing my feet into the pedals firmly. the pain is different than when im in a lower gear. a dull, warm, burning pain. im sweating hard now. my bandages damp. my chest, thigh, and arm sting. last night, the asymmetry was intentional. it always has been
i didnt choose to not wear my earbuds or watch for this ride home (and i did end up getting a little lost because of this). id chalk it up as a consequence of getting out of the house while still groggy. but as im riding i realize im much more in-tune with my body. my body and my bike are the only things i have to focus on. at a certain point they become one and the same. i feel the ground through my tires and suspension. i feel my own weight pushing down into the asphalt. its early enough that the roads are pretty empty. im flying through stop signs so i can keep my momentum. banking hard on turns. really leaning into a turn has always been something that i enjoy the feeling of. i often find myself turning harder than i need to just so i can lean into it. correcting my trajectory after
the wind rushes through my hair and through my top. it feels amazing. cold air on my hot, sweaty body. cooling my bandages. i would probably be biking topless if i could handle the sensation of my pack rubbing directly against fresh scratches on my back. but i need some kind of barrier today. my pack is heavier than usual today as well. i didnt put my water bottle in the cage on my bike, several rolls of wound wrap, 2 rolls of bandages, an extra shirt, a jockstrap. it pulls down on the bruises on my shoulders and neck. the cross-strap pressing into the cuts on my chest. every pump brings it down hard onto the most sensitive parts of me. i let it wash over me. radiating through my body
my last leg home is on the roads again. stop-and-go basically the whole way. i still dont remember to downshift before stopping at a single light. my whole body burns. my breathing is deep and heavy, im panting like a dog. sweat drips down my face, smearing the eyeshadow i didnt remove last nigh. my dirtstache is damp, salty. i keep pushing through. every motion propelling me forward, closer to rest. i can feel the bandage on my thigh peeling as sweat has been soaking it. its pulling at my bush. the air this morning is humid. a storm is coming
its 0800 on the dot. i finally pull into my gangway. dismounting my bike, i stumble slightly. my legs are a little wobbly from the ~7 mile ride. i pick my bike up and carry her up the stairs. shes so easy to manipulate. i lean her against a table. i grab an energy drink and sit down for a smoke. propping my leg up on a small stool. resting my back against the chair sends more pain through me. i lean into it. letting it get more and more intense before my body adjusts and it finally fades away. i press on my upper thigh then i press on my upper arm. i start crying. these cuts make me feel good about myself. im closer to being who i am meant to be. i finish my cig and spend an hour sitting outside on my porch. it starts raining and i listen to the rain. im tempted to have another cig but i resist and put a nicotine pouch under my lip instead. the rain is calming. the rain always reminds me of a friend i used to date. i text her. we chat for the next hour or so. then i head inside
i pull the bandages off of my thigh and unwrap the gauze on my arm. they both sting as they pull at the now scabbed cuts. i clean and redress them. i should probably wear long sleeves so my mom doesnt ask questions. i sit on my bed and start typing this post. it takes me nearly the whole day to finish. its now 2145
~ industrial honey
