Alright, let’s get into this. Yesterday a lot of people took to the streets for a lot of very good reasons and stood united against misogyny, fascism, racism, homophobia, ableism and all manner of other scary side-effects of hateful bigots being in charge. It was excellent to see, and I wanted to add a voice to the choir today after chewing something over.
I’ve noticed a lot of people recently, mostly (but not only) straight, white, cis men, talking a big talk of solidarity in public, performative and fundamentally hollow ways, while simultaneously selling out the people in their life who, if they actually meant any of the things they said, they ought to be supporting.
Call it typical of me but I’m going to centre on abuse survivors - and I mean abuse in all its forms; domestic, racial, misogynistic, systemic and so on. Now, there are probably a lot of people out there who voted for Trump that aren’t necessarily abusive, racist or misogynistic in their daily interactions with others. But their vote meant they were okay with an abusive, racist and misogynistic bigot being in charge. If the issues don’t affect you directly and you choose to remain uninvolved and complacent, you contribute to a culture of silence that allows these things to keep happening. If you truly stand against Trump, against abuse and hate in all it’s forms, it’s not enough just to say it.
You can go to rallies, you can make a big sign and post a selfie of yourself holding it, make a status update condemning all this behaviour, donate to a good cause or organise an event to raise money for one. But if you go about your daily life knowingly allowing these behaviours to happen in your community then you are a hypocrite, a coward and a large, instrumental part of the problem.
When you find out someone is abusive in any way, your first point of contact should be with the person or people affected most directly by their behaviour. Your job is to make sure that person is safe and protected, and that they know they have your support. With this as your first priority, you should then work with the survivor to address how best to tackle the abuser(s). There is no one set way of doing this and often it’s difficult and messy. Immediately calling that person out can often isolate and threaten the survivor even more, so tread cautiously but, crucially, with integrity. Ask what the survivor needs.
If you willingly and knowingly continue to treat the abusive person(s) as though nothing has happened, whether that’s because they’re someone you’re close to, or work with, or it’s somehow awkward to navigate for you, then you send a message not just to the survivor of their abuse, but all survivors of abuse everywhere, that you’re okay with abuse so long as it isn’t directed at you. And there is no faster way to make a survivor feel unsafe and alienated from their community than seeing their abuser’s comfort prioritised over their own.
Abuse makes you doubt yourself, your reality, the ground beneath your feet. You wonder if you’re going crazy and day to day life feels increasingly difficult. It is paramount that communities mobilise to assure survivors that their experiences and reactions are valid, and that the actions of those communities going forward reflect this understanding. Without that, we lose good people, and abusers go on assured they can get away with anything they want.
To anyone reading this, you can contact me - if you’re a survivor who needs support, if you know a survivor but aren’t sure how to support them, or you know an abuser and don’t know how to deal with them. Take action. Don’t claim to care about someone’s mental health if you’re only going to be supportive when it’s convenient or look good for you; don’t claim to care about women’s rights if, as a cis man, you’re going to let misogyny fly when you’re around other cis men; don’t claim to give a shit about survivors of any kind if you’re going to throw them under the bus for your own comfort; and don’t pretend to be against Trump and condemn his behaviour when you’re turning a blind eye to the exact same shit happening right on your door step.
If we’re really going to come out the other side of this we need to step up, stand tall and put our money where our mouth is. Enough empty gestures and posturing, take action. Do it now.
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