You ghosted me so I guess I would be the only one feeling this way. I probably should have seen it coming, honestly. Other folks would get a blossoming social life but still make time for those who aren't so close by, but you?
Everything was an excuse to ask me not to talk to you that day. I had to remember your weekly schedule so I could have some idea of when I might hear from you, or whether or not I would be able to reach out. I couldn't lean on you like I used to, and even still I shrunk back and apologized for accidentally trying to talk to you on your dnd day. To the point where the following Thursday, despite me not having said a word to you, you made a point to tell me to simply not contact you that day.
It's been years. I like to think I'm over it but sometimes I get rocked with a bout of loneliness and helplessness and I wonder if you think of me at all anymore, even half as much as I do you.
What annoys me the most is that I still miss you. I shouldn't. I should be able to just start over with something on a new account so I knew you wouldn't follow me or be able to find me and not worry about you anymore. And yet.
Sometimes I think about what I'd say if you reached out. Would I say everything that's been on my mind the last few years? How I felt when I realized you weren't ever coming back? What you took when you left? Or would you have gotten me at a rare moment of nostalgia and convinced me to give you another chance.
I know you were going through stuff. It was all we'd talk about at the end. I hope you're doing better, genuinely. But. Damn, it really felt like I was working so hard just to get your attention when I was already the lowest point on your priority list.
I'd exhaust myself checking discord or tumblr, wondering if you were online. Try and have some subjects on hand in case you needed a distraction asap. For what?
I tore myself apart for your entertainment and you just closed your door.
Why do I still fucking miss you when I know you don't even care about me anymore. Why am I still wasting energy on something that died years ago. Fantasizing about what I'd say if we ever got in contact, and yet when you liked some posts I reblogged on my old account I deleted the whole thing.
Why do you always seem to come up when I'm at my lowest. A ghost ready to kick me when I'm down. A never ending cycle of being over it and then getting my ass kicked a month later.