Themes: age-gap, lost love, longing, loss & grief, anxiety attacks, troubled minds
Summary: Old and cynical Joel Miller is having difficulties adjusting to a new life in Jackson. A sudden confrontation with a figure from his past doesn’t make it any easier as he finds himself recollecting the events that took place two years before the outbreak. This is a tale of two lovers that never were, of individuals that mourned each other, of differences unresolved, of time that was stolen.
masterlist: part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6
pairing: joel miller x f!reader
tropes: fluff, angst, hurt-comfort, slow-burn
warnings: 11 year age-gap (reader is 24-25, joel is 35-36), clothing description, arguing
word count: ~6300
author’s note: this took forever to put out because life got in the way, but i did have fun writing angst. this chapter takes course in a span of a year. goodbye, 2003.
————- ❈ ————-
Five
He found her in the crowd of the Auditorium shores.
Four
Her back facing him, she stood in front of Tommy as he looked down at her.
Three
Grasping her shoulders, Tommy flashed her a smile.
Two
He leaned down, his face disappearing behind her head.
One
Joel didn't have to see in the darkness to know what was happening.
Happy New Year!
"Hey!" Joel snapped out of his daze, frowning at Tommy who was behind the wheel. "You sleepin'?"
"No, just...thinkin' of stuff."
"Good, 'cause we're here."
Tommy had begged Joel to go out drinking with him for some time, the latter never feeling up to it: he was either tired, busy, hanging out with Sarah, or whatever other excuses he came up with. The only reason they were walking up the steps to 'Lucky Luke's' was because he had lost the bet on how long their project was going to take. They finished much earlier than Joel had confidently anticipated. He had a suspicion his brother set him up for failure, but he didn't bother to bring it up, wanting to enjoy his evening after a successful job. They entered the establishment which turned out to be bigger than it appeared from the outside. The interior was old and rustic, everything from the chairs to the panels on the walls was made of hardwood. There were all kinds of lights strung up about the ceiling, the walls were decorated with pictures of patrons, sports-related posters, number plates, flags, and so on. The music, thankfully, was quiet enough for people to hear each other. The brothers sat down at the far end of the L-shaped counter, waiting for someone to take their order.
"Remind me why we didn't go to Buddy's?" Joel asked somewhat annoyedly. He wasn't the biggest fan of changing environments.
"Because fuck Luiz and his overpriced beer. Besides, I have a feeling you'll find this place a lot more interesting."
Rubbing his face, Joel scrunched his nose. "Christ, Tommy, we've never been here. How do you know their shit don't taste like flavored tap water?"
"I trust the person who works here." Tommy replied, looking ahead.
The eldest Miller followed his gaze and saw her there, rapidly getting two glasses from under the bar and serving a young couple their cocktails. Fumbling with her notepad, she made her way across to the pair, pen in hand.
"Hi, how can I help you?" and it was only then that she looked up to see Tommy and Joel with their arms folded in front of them, the former giving her a childish smile along with a wave. "What- how'd you find out I work here? Did you stalk me? Should I get the FBI involved?"
"Good to see you too, (Y/N/N). Heard some of the guys talk about a pretty lady workin' at Lucky Luke's. Description matched so I thought it was finally time to check it out and see your impressive skills for myself," he said, clapping Joel on his shoulder. "Brought this one along with me. You don't mind, do you?"
She looked at her employer, who only gave her a brow raise. They hadn't seen much of each other since the year started, since the countdown at the Auditorium shores, since she and Tommy shared a moment much more intimate than the one they'd had on Christmas Eve. He knew he shouldn't have involved himself, especially not with the babysitter out of all people; but she gave him a scarf, a scarf she took time to knit and embroider his initials on. It sparked something in him he hadn't felt in a long time, thinking she'd felt it too. Who are you kidding? She was young, she was ambitious, and he had no business involving himself with her unless he wanted to come off as a creep. So he stopped, and boy did it eat him up inside.
They watched as she looked at the clock and disappeared behind the door near the other end of the counter. They sat in confusion for a couple of minutes until the door opened again and she walked out without her apron.
“What are you boys having?”
Tommy squinted at the board next to them, “I’ll have a pint of Blood & Honey, pretty please. Joel?”
The other brother sat with his brows furrowed, having a difficult time making a choice. Possibly running out of patience, (Y/N) took three-pint glasses from the hanging shelf above her head and poured yellow liquids into two of them, the last one appearing brown. She slid the latter to Joel, then hopped up and over the wooden counter to take a seat next to Tommy.
“You have great timing, I happen to have finished my shift,” she said and raised her glass to clink it against his. “So, what’s new?”
While Tommy talked restlessly about the day they’ve had, the bet they made, and exciting events coming up, Joel quietly nodded along every now and then, but mostly he observed her. She seemed different in an environment made for adults than she did at home with his 12-year-old kid. Ripped dark-blue jeans, sturdy boots, a military-green tank top, and a plaid shirt – she seemed like she belonged. Looking was fair game, as long as he didn’t interact too much, everything was going to be fine.
One pint down, Tommy excused himself to the bathroom, leaving his brother in a situation he didn’t want to be in. The two sat in silence for a bit, looking at their folded hands on the countertop.
“We got married pretty young, me and my ex-wife,” he suddenly spoke, keeping his eyes low. “She was my high-school sweetheart, my world. Then we got married and it all went downhill. To be honest, I’m not sure what happened even to this day. Maybe she felt suffocated, overwhelmed; I remember how hard the pregnancy was for her. In the end, a short time after Sarah was born, we had…an explosive argument. She loved her, she did, but it wasn’t enough to commit to that life. So she left, and I never saw or heard from her again.”
(Y/N) sat unmoving, then took the last sip from her glass. “Why are you telling me this, Mr. Miller?”
The formal address stung more than it should have. “Thought you deserved to know.”
“Is this what you’ve been contemplating for the past three months you’ve been freezing me out?” she laughed bitterly, looking at him for the first time since she sat down. “’ Should I or should I not provide additional lore on the mystery that is Joel Miller’?”
“(Y/N/N)-”
“Respectfully, sir, you don’t get to move the boundary lines whenever and however you want. You don’t want to be friends? That’s perfectly fine, I’ll remain respectful from now on-”
“No, just- I’m sorry, alright? I didn’t mean to freeze you out, I-” he stared at the empty glass in his hand before she took it and hopped back over the bar to refill both of their drinks. “I don’t really have friends, and I certainly wouldn’t want our relationship to affect yours with Sarah-”
“You don’t trust me to do a good enough job despite my feelings?” she looked less angry then, more dejected.
“I do. I trust you to look after Sarah more than I do that meathead over there,” both of them looked at the far end of the room to find Tommy, with an already half-empty glass, talking with some townsfolk. “It’s myself I don’t trust.”
(Y/N) looked at him then, at the hint of sorrow displayed on his face, and leaned against the counter, their faces merely inches away from one another, “You were doing just fine, Joel. Just talk to me, okay? I promise I’m as reasonable and as patient as they come.”
He could beat himself up over having his heart squeeze at the sight of her smile later. At that moment, all he wanted to do was get to know another side of the woman he could proudly call a friend.
————- ❈ ————-
Summer came much quicker than any of them had anticipated. And while (Y/N) had already made plans to stay with her family until September, her schedule for the first half of June was empty. And thankfully it was because if there's one thing she did not have in her 2002 bingo card, it's a cruise trip in the Caribbean.
"What's this?" she said as she stared at the envelope given to her by Joel. Sarah sat in the living room, whatever she was watching on the television long forgotten as she tried to concentrate on the conversation going on in the kitchen.
"Open it."
"Are you paying me early this month?" she chuckled as she began to carefully tear it open. Her hands froze when she pulled out the printed tickets.
"An all-expenses-paid trip to cruise around with us in June," he pointed at the black-and-white printing, noting her silence. "Shit, I didn't think of- You're not busy, are you?"
"N-no, I'm leaving on the 17th but," she looked up at him. "Joel, I can't take this."
"What do you mean?"
"I- this is crazy. It probably cost you hundreds of dollars, I mean it's too generous-"
"I bought the tickets at a cheaper price months ago. Think of it as the other half of your Christmas present," he explained, his body filled with dread at the idea of making such a bold gesture. "Look, I don't want to make you feel like we're forcing you into anything. If you don't want to go, it's fine. I can get a full refund-"
She jumped on him then, with her arms tightly wrapped around him, she was almost hanging off his neck. He gladly caught her, chuckling in relief. "Of course, I'll come, I'd be more than happy to."
Rapid steps were heard coming from the living room and just as (Y/N) had detached herself from the man in front of her, a smaller body crashed into hers. "You're coming! We're gonna have so much fun!" said Sarah, jumping up and down excitedly.
The young woman wasn't exactly sure of what there was to do on a gigantic boat in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. However, she soon found out they had programs for the entirety of their 4-night stay, which included karaoke, dancing, games, and trivia nights.
On the first day, (Y/N) found out the Miller brothers had pipes on them, singing and jamming to songs from Radiohead and the like. She’d never seen Joel that relaxed, carefree, or joyful; he moved as if nothing else in the world mattered but that moment they were living in. She and Sarah performed ABBA and Hallican Drops songs, riding on the confidence boost given by the crowd cheering them on enthusiastically.
Another day passed, and while Sarah went to join kids her age for ‘Youth Night’, the adults hit the bar for ‘Trivia Night’. The following things were facts: Joel and (Y/N) are equally competitive, Joel is a sore loser, (Y/N) gets loud when she’s passionate, and Tommy is there to have a drink and a laugh. Despite the small disputes and a few I-told-you-so’s, team ‘Lucky Jackasses’ managed to secure second place and win $120 worth of beverages as well as a three-course meal dinner for all the team members.
After the event, once everyone was settled with drinks in their hands, Tommy walked towards the railing to find (Y/N) leaning against it, gazing at the vast ocean.
“Whatcha doin’?”
Her head turned, the startled expression replaced by a smile as he put his jacket around her shoulders. “Just lookin’, admiring.”
“For such a nice lady, I didn’t think you could turn so intense so quick.”
She laughed, feeling a bit embarrassed at the amount of times she’d slammed the table or wildly gestured with her hands. “Yeah, I can get really competitive when it comes to games and such. I can take a loss, though, not like a certain someone.”
“Now imagine how I felt growing up. Thank the lord I was never like that, or else we woulda killed each other a long time ago.” he reminisced.
“Where is he anyway?”
“Went to put Sarah to bed. Think he might have hit the hay himself, the old man.”
There was a minute of silence where both of them just stared at the daunting darkness ahead of them.
“He ain’t the slickest when it comes to things like this. You gotta be more obvious with him, or else you’ll torture yourself for a long time until he finally makes a decision.”
She felt pressure in her chest. Of course, Tommy would find out. “What are you referring to?”
“Come on, (Y/N/N),” he chuckled, looking at her with sympathy. “You’re not exactly hiding it. Look, Joel’s a great guy, and I’m his brother, I’d take any occasion to shit on him.”
“Tom-“
“It takes a lot to get through to him. His fear from past experiences and the need to protect Sarah hold him back, he might not even know that you’re feeling what you’re feeling. You do what you want to do, but my advice is: show him what it is you need him to see and make no room for ambiguity.”
She wanted to share her thoughts, express her doubts to the man she considered a close friend. But she couldn’t, not at that moment. So she spoke the very next thought aloud instead:
“It is so crazy to think we’re floating on a piece of metal in the middle of a large mass of water. So many creatures underneath us, so many people on board. Have you seen Titanic?”
“We are not talkin’, let alone thinkin’, about the Titanic right now.” Tommy said as he began physically retracting himself from the conversation.
“I can’t help-”
“Don’t,” he said firmly, pointing at her like one would at a misbehaving dog. “I am not letting anything or anyone fuck up my relaxation time.”
The two walked back to their adjacent rooms, slightly tipsy. They noted the darkness as soon as Tommy opened the door to his shared cabin - Joel was asleep until he wasn’t. Woken up by the faintest noise, he noticed the jacket she wore and the tired smile her face carried, indicating they had been out there for a long time. His hands clenched under the blanket at the sight of her hugging his brother goodnight as she whispered in his ear before departing.
—
The next day, as the ship docked at Cozumel, an island just off the coast of Mexico, the family decided to go out and explore what it had to offer. The activities mainly consisted of scuba diving, which Joel had reserved in advance due to Sarah’s insistence, swimming in crystal clear water, and exploring ruins. The eldest Miller seemed content and at peace, or at least he did at the beginning of their little expedition. (Y/N) couldn’t help but notice the cold emanating from him, the way he’d be quick to glue himself to Sarah even when he didn’t need to, those moments he’d be more interested in studying the bushes than interacting with her. Tommy was right, she needed to be more forward. The trip was an opportunity she didn’t want to waste. Realistically, the worst thing he could do is reject you and/or fire you, she thought, then you can go back to living your life without this anxiety. Or you could curl up in your cabin and cry.
It started with small gestures: offering him water from her bottle, asking to take pictures of him and Sarah on her film camera, and pointing at pretty things during their diving session. Then, once she felt there was less resistance, she moved on to bumping shoulders with him, exchanging facts about the ancient Maya civilization, and splashing him with water as they all played in the sea. Just before they went out to swim, Sarah asked her babysitter if she could help with her sunscreen application. When she turned back to her towel, her eyes landed on a shirtless Joel. Her soon-to-be-35-year-old employer was exactly the kind of fit she imagined a father who works in construction to look like. He caught her staring, and to avoid drowning in embarrassment, she offered to apply sunscreen on his face. The entire process seemed way more intimate than it was. He stood very still, watching her work with such focus, gently gliding over the skin on his chin, his cheeks, under his eyes, his forehead, and his nose. Upon making accidental eye contact, he saw her get visibly flustered, causing her to take a step back.
“Could you get my back too?” he asked tentatively. “‘Afraid I’m not as flexible as I used to be.”
Whispering a quick ‘sure’, she began rubbing the cream on his shoulders first. She believed she had the green light to ease the tension in his muscles while they were at it. Unbelievably stiff at first, Joel relaxed under her touch with every circular movement of her thumbs. Feeling like she’d been at it for far too long, the young woman pulled away, earning a genuine ‘thank you’ accompanied by a smile. She had made great progress that day, showing just the right amount of affection to not spook him away. He wasn’t put off by any of it, however, which gave her a great sense of relief, an indication she’d been going in the right direction so far.
Once the evening came, the group split into two pairs: Joel and (Y/N) went on a stroll on the beach not far away from the pier while Sarah and Tommy went to quench their thirst at the bar further away. Though they shared a few jokes and remarks about the beauty of their surroundings, their walk was mostly filled with comfortable silence. At some point, Joel’s phone went off, prompting him to walk further away from the waves.
Something smacked itself against her leg and looking down, (Y/N) realized it was a straw-coloured boater hat.
“Sorry! That’s mine.” she heard someone exclaim above the waves crashing onto the sand. A young man, seemingly her age, jogged up to her with a warm smile. “Wind’s picking up, blew it right off my big head.”
His comment made her giggle, handing over the headwear, “No problem, it happens.”
“Are you from the Voyager?”
“I am.”
“Where’s your family? You didn’t go on a cruise all by yourself, did you?”
“No, that would be kind of sad,” she chuckled. “I’m here with the family I babysit for.”
“Wow, you must be a damn good nanny,” his brows raised in astonishment. “Do they need a cleaner by any chance? A driver, maybe? I don’t ask for much, I can live in the basement. Hell, a closet would do!”
This made her burst out laughing, triggering him to do the same. “I also do all of those things, not sure I want to compete with someone over a job I like.”
“Alright, so if we look at the CV of a successful nanny, we have,” he said, putting on imaginary glasses and comically squinting at the equally nonexistent paper in his hand. “Intelligent, talented, able to grow arms to flip pancakes and iron a t-shirt at the same time, strikingly beautiful obviously, excellent cook because of course you are, am I missing anything?”
“I happen to have a natural talent for board games,” she smiled, proudly. “You can actually ask my boss, he has yet to beat me.”
But as she turned her head, she saw Joel rapidly making his way further away from them.
“Sorry, it seems I’ve got to go,” she muttered, giving him an apologetic look as she walked backward. “It was nice to meet you, take care of that hat!”
(Y/N) was forced to jog up almost 30 feet to catch up to the brooding man.
“Hey, why didn’t you call me? Is it Sarah? Is Tommy alright?” The latter’s name seemed to deepen his scowl.
“No, just thought I’d leave you and Harold Lloyd to yourselves.” he grumbled, looking strictly ahead.
“I’m sorry for getting caught up in the conversation. He was being nice, you know, friendly tourist banter?”
“He was hitting on you, (Y/N), and if you can’t see that then you’re more naive than I thought.”
He had never treated her like anything but his equal, so naturally being called childish not only hurt her but woke something up inside her as well, all of the pent-up frustration suddenly coming to the surface.
“Fine, so he was flirting. Is that a problem?”
“No problem at all,” he said unconvincingly. “Just doing my job as a wingman.”
It took her a second to realize what, or rather who, he was referring to. “What the fuck does this have to do with Tommy?” He didn’t answer her immediately, taking long and quick strides along the sand. “Joel!”
He only stopped when she abruptly tugged at his arm, finally meeting his eyes. “You like him, don’t you?”
The question almost came as a slap. Where was this coming from? “What? Since when?!”
“Since you first laid eyes on each other last Christmas. Or since your kiss on New Year’s Eve. I don’t know, I’m not exactly keeping track.”
Instead of tugging at her hair, a need she strongly wanted to give into, the young woman rubbed her face with frustration instead. "I know you aren't stupid, and Tommy did warn me about how oblivious you can be, but good God, to this extent?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"I care about you, okay?" she shouted, sounding somewhat desperate.
Heavy silence passed, the only sounds being the relentless lapping of the waves accompanied by her heavy breathing. The two of them stared at each other as if truly seeing one another for the first time.
"I don't understand-"
"I like you, Joel. And I'm tired of tiptoeing around it." She sensed him battling with himself, his own emotions, his thoughts.
"Jesus, Joel, stop acting like you're decrepit!" she approached him then, noticing the way he took a couple of steps back. "You're just a guy in his thirties, raising a daughter, looking for...companionship in this messed-up world."
They were much closer now, chests almost touching, neither of them breaking eye contact. She caught him glancing at her lips for a millisecond, afraid to move even the slightest muscle. Her name didn't fully leave his mouth when she crashed her mouth onto his, shutting him up for good. She felt lightheaded yet more alive than ever, relishing in the feeling of his hands gently taking hold of her waist. They parted then to bring air back into their lungs as she pressed her forehead against his.
"You don't want to do this." he spoke in an almost pained whisper.
(Y/N) caressed his cheeks, maintaining eye contact. "Don't tell me what to do, Miller."
————- ❈ ————-
Was the concept of love complicated in and of itself, or was it the people involved that made it unnecessarily difficult? The question floated around in his mind for months, like a ghost that needed to be laid to rest. Jane Eyre had fallen in love with the ever-brooding Mr Rochester. Elizabeth Bennett, too, succumbed to her feelings for the stubborn and slightly awkward Mr Darcy. And while it was common for young women to see older men in that period of history, an age gap as large as theirs was harder to deal with in modern days.
The months that followed their shared moment at the beach felt like torture. Joel tried to balance out his life, spending as much time with his daughter as he did working to make it a fun break for her. If there was one thing he didn’t want to be remembered for it’s being a negligent parent, someone who put their work before their own child. He also spent those long suffocating summer days thinking about her and wondering what she was getting up to. She had only sent one letter to the Millers for the entire duration of the season - it was a beautiful postcard along with a picture of herself and her friends surrounded by greenery. The back of the card read:
Dear Joel,
I hope your summer is going well. Mine certainly is! I sent you a picture of me and my friends in the middle of a hike, which was very difficult but oh so worth it! The views are spectacular here, I wish you could see it for yourself. Many kisses to you, to Tommy, and especially to Saz.
With love,
She seemed so happy, her face beaming despite her sore limbs and sweaty skin. She deserved that kind of life, the kind where she would smile and laugh more often than she cried or frowned, the kind where she could rely on her partner at all times to have her needs met and her concerns heard, the kind she would feel supported even for the smallest things. Joel wanted to give her that life, but he wasn’t sure if he could. What she didn’t deserve was unanswered calls, postponed dates, tired exchanges, weird glances, constant worry, concerned comments, or countless excuses. It wasn’t a certainty that life with him would be like that, but it was a possibility, which was already too much of a risk. She might have reconsidered her feelings already, using her time away to really think about what she was getting into. He didn’t know when she’d be back, either, so instead of obsessing over it, he decided to occupy his mind with other things.
When his 35th birthday came around, it started just about how he expected it to. He woke up, feeling just as old as ever, got dressed, and went downstairs to be welcomed by the sight of Sarah setting up his birthday breakfast with Tommy’s very generous help. Afterward, they packed Tommy’s truck for the day, drove the child to school, and went to work. In the evening, on their way home, Joel noticed how weirdly non-talkative his brother was, letting the radio fill the silence instead.
“What’s going on?”
Tommy looked at him confusedly, “What do you mean?”
“You’re awfully silent.”
“What, am I not allowed to be?” he chuckled in response. “Do you want me to talk? ‘Cause I can. In fact, I was thinking about how Johnny-”
“Never mind, just- just forget I said anything.” Joel sighed, dismissing the conversation with a wave of his hand.
Once they parked in front of the garage, the absence of light in the house didn’t go unnoticed by the owner.
“Did Sarah tell you about goin’ to a friend’s?” he asked, suddenly anxious.
“I don’t recall. Maybe she went to bed.” his brother shrugged, prompting his brother to check his watch. It was only half past eight.
Carefully, he walked up to the door, its unlocked state rendering him vigilant, and cautiously walked into the pitch-black living room.
“Sarah?” he called out into what seemed to be an empty room.
Before he could take another step, all of the smaller lights turned on simultaneously as a group of people yelled ‘Surprise!’, each of them wearing some kind of silly party accessories such as a hat, oversized colorful glasses, or a boa. He also noted the sudden presence of confetti on himself, turning his head to see Tommy grinning with a party popper in his hand. The individuals standing in his home were all the closest he had to ‘friends’: people he had worked and gotten along with, a couple of dads he befriended through Sarah’s soccer games and the Adlers. Everyone took turns to hug the birthday boy before engaging in conversations in separate parts of the room. Sarah was the last and he gladly swept her into the biggest and warmest hug, immensely proud of his little girl.
“Did you plan this?”
“Yeah, Uncle Tommy helped. Do you like it?”
It was only then that he really looked at the way the space was decorated with streamers, balloons, cut-outs, and a big banner that read ‘Happy 35th, Joel’.
“I love it, baby girl, thank you.” he squeezed her one more time before letting go and walking over to catch up with every guest.
Everyone served themselves to the food put out on the coffee table, something the guests contributed to: deviled eggs, cheese pretzels, small cups of hummus and veggie sticks, fried shrimp, and a very well-assembled charcuterie board. After about an hour of chatting, Sarah announced it was time for his gift. His eyes were covered with a bandana then he heard her scurrying away towards the kitchen, turning the lights off on the way. He sat there for a few seconds and then heard it. He wasn’t sure if his ears were deceiving him, making him think (Y/N) was singing happy birthday to him. The pit in his stomach grew. She isn’t here, you’re making it up, you are losing it. But she sounded so vivid. When the song was over, he lowered the bandana with shaking hands and saw her standing in front of him, her face illuminated by the soft glow of the candles on the cake held by his daughter. Without thinking, he took a couple of steps and crashed his lips on hers rougher than he intended to. The deafening applause and cheering were drowned out by his emotions as he felt her flesh under his palms, desperately clinging onto her waist with one hand and her head with the other. Once they parted to catch their breath, he pressed his forehead against hers, wanting to keep her as close as possible.
“I missed you,” he whispered, the most vulnerable he’d ever been in front of others. “So damn much.”
“I missed you too,” she gently ran her thumbs across his cheeks, feeling many butterflies at the sight of his smile. “I meant what I said on the beach. I want to do this and a million more things with you.”
Their moment had to be interrupted by Tommy shoving a camcorder in their faces, asking to ‘say hello to the future’. Joel’s only response was to try and get the camera back (to no avail). The candles, long blown out by Sarah, were lit once more so he could properly make a wish. And all he could hope for as he stood there, surrounded by the people closest to him, was more moments just like it.
————- ❈ ————-
Things only looked up for the pair from then on. They celebrated every single holiday together, dressed up for Halloween (after much pleading from (Y/N), who did not spare Joel’s little brother from her shenanigans) to enjoy the festivities with Sarah, organized countless movie nights and board-game sessions, and even frequented Sarah’s soccer games together more often than not. Everything was going smoothly until after her graduation when both of them realized what it meant for their future.
The weeks that followed were nothing but tense. It started with Joel distancing himself for no apparent reason, which naturally caused his lover to start asking questions. She was frustrated she had to pry him back open after they’d spent so much time together. He was avoidant, he was cold, and he made excuses, leading to the biggest argument they’d ever had after she barged into his house one evening when Sarah was away. It was a lot of yelling, many accusations, and even more words neither of them really meant.
“I can’t do this if you don’t talk to me, Joel.”
“Then don’t. Go,” he was heaving. She’d never seen him so angry. “I warned you. At the very beginning. I warned you and you didn’t listen, so this is all on you.”
She stepped out into the summer night with her face stained with endless tears, her eyes puffy, and her throat raw, hiccupping all the way to her car. As soon as the door closed, she broke down again, pouring her grief onto her steering wheel. That night was the last time she would visit the Miller residence. She said goodbye to Sarah alone a few weeks later, just before hitting the road. She would, however, see Joel again months later.
————- ❈ ————-
September 26th, 2003.
09:06 pm
She walked down the street in downtown Austin, heading towards the bus that would take her on an hour-and-a-half trip to San Antonio. Vehicle in sight, she was only a few feet away from leaving the city behind before a voice called her name. She didn’t need to turn around to identify it. She wanted to be dramatic and petty and just get on the bus and not dwell on the past, but the past caught up to her. The past stood behind her as she stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, cursing her treacherous heart, her stupid heart, her naive heart that got her into this mess in the first place. Love and hatred pulled her in opposite directions, and she realized then that despite seemingly having made her mind up at the start of summer, she was to decide her future right then and there: standing at the border of two lives with little to no time.
He called out for her again, and she gave in, owing herself a proper resolution to that affair.
“Hi, Joel.” she said, her tone flat as if talking to a stranger.
“I thought you left months ago.”
“I went on a trip around the country with some friends. They canceled my flight in San Antonio last week, and rescheduled it to 5 am tomorrow.”
The rescheduling was a pain in the ass. It meant she had to either book a cheap hotel near the airport and pray she wouldn’t miss her flight, or worse, sleep directly at the terminal. She had a strange sensation the universe was trying to stop her from going anywhere.
“Oh, well,” he mumbled, his hands in his jean pockets, finding sudden interest in his shoes. “I’m sorry.”
Feeling like this interaction was going nowhere, (Y/N) bid him a good night and resumed her walk towards the bus.
“For everything. I’m sorry for all of it.” his voice came closer. The feeling of deep-rooted sadness battled with the sensation of pent-up anger for control of her mind and body.
She scoffed, revealing a bit of that irritation, “And you call me difficult.”
“Look, I know, alright? I know I’m a stubborn asshole. I know that I can be cold and distant, I know I’m not very good at communicating. I wish-” he paused to catch his breath, or maybe think about his words before they slipped out. “I wish you hadn’t seen that side of me. God knows I haven’t felt so…at peace until I met you. I like who I am when you’re around, you balance me out. It’s selfish, very selfish, I mean you’ve got a whole future ahead of you, so many promising opportunities. And I guess I wanted to spare you from crashing and burning down the line, chained down to some guy going through a midlife crisis in Austin. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did that night and I won’t ever forgive myself for it, but I couldn’t bear the thought of you believing those words, so here I am.”
By the end of his monologue, small salty drops stained the ground beneath (Y/N)’s feet. Her heart ached for two reasons: the reassurance that he didn’t grow tired of her after all, and the grief of having to lose her love once again. She turned back to face him, noting his pleading eyes, and silently went up to wrap her arms around his neck, feeling his warmth, taking in his cologne, for the last time.
“I forgive you.”
“You don’t have to-”
“I forgive you, Joel. Happy birthday.” Her hands stroked the back of his head soothingly. She realized he was crying too, her jacket bunched up in his fists, his heart audibly breaking.
This wasn’t a fairytale, like the ones she used to read to Sarah. It wasn’t one of her period romance novels. Their story came to a bittersweet end; she felt thankful, however, that it had an end at all.
“Please be happy, okay? I don’t want you sulking around just because I’m not here to act as your personal cheerleader.” she spoke quietly, holding his face, her world, in her hands.
Joel chuckled through tears, “Don’t worry, Sarah can cover for you.”
The mention of her name caused another round of tears to pool in her eyes. “Tell Saz I’m sorry, and that I love her greatly. Tell Tommy I’ll miss him too; his snoring, not so much.”
After another beat of laughter and silence, the two reluctantly parted, acknowledging that her bus was to leave at any minute. Before he lost her for good, Joel pulled her in for one last kiss, sharing her pain and heartache.
“Be good.” she whispered into his lips before forcing herself to board the bus with a heavy heart.
She saw him outside her window, putting up a palm against the glass for her to mimic. As the bus drove away from its station, she watched as her lover became smaller and smaller before receding from her view. With the family she cared for behind her, the young woman observed the disappearing scenery of the city she called her second home with a fresh set of tears.
————- ❈ ————-
masterlist: part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6
masterlist: part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6
pairing: joel miller x f!reader
tropes: fluff, slow-burn
warnings: 11 year age-gap (reader is 23, joel is 34)
word count: ~6000
author’s note: so this chapter as well as the next one basically serve as one long exposition before the main story (aka the prequel). i realise this is lengthy as hell but i needed to flesh out the relationship between joel and the reader for the upcoming chapters to hurt, you know?
(p.s. there's mention of joel carrying the reader. i know some people might be put off by this, but joel is quite buff. i mean the man works in construction, i promise he can handle carrying an adult for less than a minute)
————- ❈ ————-
The air was getting chillier, the change of seasons not going unnoticed. (Y/N)'s focus was razor-sharp as she drove through the streets of Austin, making sure to take in the ever-changing leaves on the trees she passed by. As an exchange student, it wasn't cheap to be renting a car, and the money her parents were generously providing her could only last for so long. She desperately needed another source of income. Her prayers were answered the week prior when she stumbled upon an advertisement near the exit to her university. It was for a babysitting job with a decent pay and convenient working hours. She wrote an email to the address written on the poster:
Dear Mr. Miller,
Is the babysitting job still available? I'm a student currently on an exchange program at the University of Texas. And while I haven't had prior experience in babysitting, I used to be an assistant teacher in a kindergarten. I'm very good with children and at keeping them alive (this is a joke, but I am pretty responsible, my mother can attest to this). If there is any need for it, I can also cook and clean up after each visit. Thank you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon!
Sincerely,
(Y/N) (L/N)
To which, much to her surprise, she received an answer shortly after:
Dear Ms. (L/N),
Yes, the babysitting job is still available. It's for my 12-year-old daughter Sarah. And while I appreciate all that you have to offer, there's nothing much to do but keep her alive, so your skill would be useful here. You can come by our house on 1411 Sullivan DR any day of the week after 5pm, we'll go over the details then. If you're still interested, you'll be able to start right away. See you soon!
Best regards,
Joel Miller
After half-an-hour of driving, the house finally came into view. Just as she parked the car in the vacant driveway, and before she went to meet some stranger she hoped wouldn't turn out to be a creep, the girl gathered her wits and courage with a clasp of her hands, a deep breath, and a firm nod as if to say 'There's no going back now, and if I die, it is what it is'.
Her three knocks on the door were followed by a long pause which made her believe she had arrived either at the wrong time or the wrong house. But as she was about to turn around and flee in embarrassment, out came a middle-aged man with disheveled hair.
"Hello. Is this the Miller's house?"
"Yes, hi! I am so sorry I kept you waiting. (Y/N), right?" he said, wiping his hands on a rag.
"That's me."
"Great. I'd shake your hand, but mine are a bit dirty. Please, come in." he stepped out of the way to let her walk further into his home.
It was decently spacious and cozy, which temporarily put her at ease. They walked through the living room into the dimly lit kitchen. It smelled of spices and garlic.
He gestured around, "Welcome to our humble abode. Pardon the mess, I didn't exactly have time to tidy up," While it wasn't exactly messy, they could benefit from an extra set of hands. "You said you weren't from around here?"
"No, I'm quite a long way from home," (Y/N) said, taking a seat at the dining table. "I wanted to see other places, gain a bit of independence. Austin was one of the first to accept me, and since it seemed like a fine city to live in, I packed up my things and arrived at the beginning of summer."
"I'm Texas born and raised myself. Wouldn't dream of living anywhere else. How old are you exactly?"
"Twenty-three, sir."
He proceeded to rummage through the fridge that was almost full. "Alright. Would you like a beer, then? And please, call me Joel. You're making me feel old."
"Right, Joel. And sure, I'll have one if you do."
Joel handed her a cold bottle as he sat down across from her. She was familiar with the brand, they served it at the bar she worked at part-time on weekends. For the next hour-and-a-half, the two discussed (Y/N)'s life, her studies, Joel's job as a contractor, and Sarah. At some point, the attacks on 9/11 came up, unpacking the nation-wide terror they had brought. She recalled the panicked calls she received from her parents, begging her to come home. She had to explain that she was alright, that there was nothing to do about it now, and that she couldn't leave the city when she had already formed ties and taken on responsibilities.
Just as Joel was getting into another anecdote from Sarah's childhood, they heard keys jangling in the front door as it opened and shut.
"Speak of the devil. Done playing already?"
A soft voice rang through the house, "Yeah, I'm really tired." Then a pigtailed girl stopped abruptly at the entrance to the kitchen. She was wearing a soccer kit, carrying both a purple backpack as well as a blue duffel bag.
"Sarah, this is (Y/N). She's gonna be your nanny from now on."
The little girl hesitated at first, then gently approached the table and extended her small hand for her to shake. "Nice to meet you." she said with as much courage as she could muster, earning a smile in return.
Getting up from his seat, Joel kissed his daughter's head and told her food was ready, which prompted the child to run upstairs to her room. Feeling like it was her cue to leave, (Y/N) followed suit and slung her bag on her shoulder.
"Would you like to stay for dinner? I'm not much of a chef, but I have to admit I make a mean chili." said the man, pointing at the steaming pot on the stovetop.
The smell of a homemade meal was making her mouth water, but she hadn't known them for long enough to get comfortable. "Thank you for your hospitality, but I should really get going. I have some reading to finish before morning."
The two made their way back to the front door. "Alright, then. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, yeah?"
"See you tomorrow, Mr. Miller- Joel, sorry." she corrected herself, waving him goodbye as she swiftly got into her car and began the drive back to her apartment. She hadn't even begun the job, yet (Y/N) couldn't help but feel giddy about her small success.
————- ❈ ————-
A couple of months had passed and (Y/N) was really enjoying her new gig. Sarah turned out to be the sweetest girl the young woman had ever had the pleasure of knowing. She wasn't fussy or troublesome, was very well-mannered, oh-so-friendly and kind, and a fan of using sarcasm here and there, which seemed to be something she picked up from her father. Joel, too, was accommodating to the new addition of their little family. (Y/N) could sense, however, that he was somewhat more reserved - closed, even. It was harder to get to know her employer, but she didn't mind, these things took time.
Leaning against her car, the young woman read her copy of 'Pride and Prejudice' for the 4th or 5th time. Something about it brought her great comfort, especially during the colder months. The festive season was quickly approaching and she wasn't sure if gifts would be appropriate so early-on in her employment. She had zoned out for so long, she didn't have time to register her name being called nor a pair of arms swiftly wrapping around her waist.
"Hey, kiddo." she laughed, hugging the curly-haired girl back.
She let go and stared up at her babysitter with her big round eyes. "Did daddy send you to pick me up?"
"No, I just finished classes and thought I'd swing by."
"What are you reading?"
(Y/N) turned the book to show the cover, "Pride and Prejudice. It's an old book."
"What's it about?"
"Uh- well, it's about a lot of things, but mainly it's the story of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy who have to overcome their differences to end up together. Hence the title."
"That sounds kind of interesting."
"Yeah, but it takes a lot of hatred and pettiness to get there."
The little girl shook her head in disapproval, "Adults. Why do they have to complicate things?"
"Alright, wise one. Get in before you get cold."
The car ride gave them more time to bond. They sang to Sarah's favourite songs and talked about whatever was on the little genius's mind. It was a unique experience for both of them, two feminine energies collided, something each of them longed for dearly.
At home, (Y/N) spent a significant amount of time helping Sarah with her homework: a bunch of English grammar exercises, essay writing, as well as some algebra. Following their arduous work, the girls decided they deserved some fun and made creamy pasta (one of Sarah's favourites) for dinner. Whilst waiting for the patriarch to come home, they got comfortable on the couch to watch 'Mrs. Doubtfire'.
Unsure if she should speak during the movie, Sarah poked her babysitter's arm. "Do you have siblings?"
"I don't, no. Why do you ask?"
"I don't have any either. Do you ever get lonely?"
(Y/N) wasn't sure where these questions were coming from, but she decided to entertain them anyway. "I used to, growing up. Though my parents did a very good job at making sure I felt loved at home. I miss them a lot, but I'm happy here too."
There was a long pause as Sarah was visibly deep in her thoughts. "I never knew my mom," It shouldn't have shocked the young woman, she assumed Joel and his wife had separated after noting the absence of a maternal presence in their home, but it still came as a surprise. "Daddy said she had her own reasons and that they both agreed for me to live with him."
"Adults always have their own reasons for things, even if it may seem dumb. I'm sure it was a very difficult decision to make for her and that she loves you very much."
"I don't think about her often anymore. My dad can be busy, but he does a good job. He comes to every game, takes me to fairs and carnivals, helps me with school projects. He's also extra cool on vacation."
Something about her remark pulled at (Y/N)'s heart. "I see. He seems like a really great dad." The girls went right back to watching Robin Williams dance around while doing chores, as if they hadn't just touched on a thought-provoking subject.
It was almost 11pm and Joel was nowhere to be seen. Instead of letting the girl pass out on the couch, (Y/N) let her hold onto her back as she carried the sleepy child all the way to her room. Making sure all was right, she put her to bed, closed the window, turned on the night-light, then made her way towards the door.
"You're really cool," Sarah said sleepily with her eyes closed. "I hope you stay for a long time."
No compliment in the world could compare to a kid's heartfelt approval. "I hope so too, sweetie. Good night and good dreams."
Walking back downstairs, the young woman took one look around the house and decided she could pass the time cleaning up here and there. She started by tidying up the living room: folding the throws, fluffing up the pillows, putting the board games back on the bookshelf. Then she moved onto the kitchen where she took the trash out, scrubbed the surfaces clean as silently as she could, put the leftover pasta away, and washed the dishes. Satisfied with her work, she went back up to Sarah's room to leave a glass of water by her bed in case she got thirsty in the middle of the night.
In a house that was dead silent, she heard heavy footsteps. In a short panic, she grabbed a pair of scissors that were lying on the desk and crept up closer to the door. The steps were agonisingly slow and calculated. The woman felt like she was in a slasher movie. Babysitters always die first. The only indication she had of the intruder's whereabouts was from the shadow that was created by the light from the kitchen. This is what you get for not turning on every single light in a house where you're all by yourself. One of the most important rules in horror movies, she thought. The shadow approached closer and closer to the door, and just when she hoped the distance was close enough, she leapt out of the room and went straight for the stranger. Unfortunately, her blow was blocked and her body pushed up against the wall. In a blink, she realised what had happened.
"What the hell, Joel?" she whisper-shouted.
"(Y/N)? What are you still doing here?"
"Doing my job. Couldn't let Sarah stay all by herself with no indication of when you'd be back. That would be irresponsible of me."
He let go of her arms, lazily rubbing his face. "You're right, I'm sorry. I got held up and my cellphone died. I'm so exhausted, I completely forgot you were here."
"It's all good, I didn't hear you arrive either," she paused, noticing the blood running down his left hand. "Oh my God, Joel, you're bleeding!"
He looked at the wound like he hadn't even felt it until then, "Oh, this is nothin'. I had worse accidents at work."
"Still, it could get infected. Please, take a seat in the kitchen, I'll be right back."
She went straight to the bathroom to fetch the first-aid kit. It was essential to know where it was, what it had and how to use everything as someone who had to watch a small human being. She went back downstairs to start working on Joel's injury.
"I'm so sorry. I was so caught up in my own mind, I thought you were an intruder, and it was the only weapon at hand-"
"Please don't apologise. It was my bad, really. I should have announced myself," he spoke as he watched her gently clean the cut with a saline cleansing wipe. "Can't blame you for doing your best to defend yourself. Takes courage."
(Y/N) realised that upon closer inspection, her employer was quite handsome. Dark messy hair, a somewhat upkept beard, broad build, crow's feet that indicated how often he smiled, as well as nose wrinkles that indicated how often he frowned. She carefully applied medical tape to close-off the wound and went to put the kit back where it belonged. On her way down, she noticed him looking around in slight confusion.
"Did you…clean the house?"
"Oh, you know, just lightly tidied up. I'm not a fan of leaving the places I stay at messy. Kind of a habit," she noted the silence and her hands instantly became cold. "God, I'm sorry. Again. I- I didn't even ask if you were okay with me touching your belongings, I got-"
"No, you're good. You're good. Don't sweat it. It's just that," Joel chuckled at her need to be so polite after months of working together. "You didn't have to do this. I can't ask you do to things that aren't part of your job description."
"I know. And I don't mind. Really. It's not like I'm playing Cinderella day and night," she said as they shared a laugh. "My job is to take care of a kid and the environment plays a big role."
(Y/N) picked up her bag, ready to leave for the night, "See you on Monday, Joel."
He reached out to touch her shoulder, then just as quickly removed his hand as if she had burned him. "Uh- do you- are you- um," She looked at him with furrowed brows, it's almost as if he was…flustered? "What are your plans for Christmas? Or, you know, holiday season? If you celebrate anything at all-"
"I won't be able to fly out to see my family this year, so I haven't made any other plans yet. Why do you ask?"
The man scratched his neck sheepishly, only then realising how long he had kept her standing on his porch when it wasn't exactly warm outside. "Would you like to celebrate with us? Sarah would be ecstatic to have you."
Warmth blossomed in her chest at the sudden invitation. So gifts are appropriate. Noted.
"I would love to celebrate the holidays with you guys. But only if you don't mind."
"I don't mind."
"Excellent, then I'll be here."
"Great."
"Good."
They stared at each other for way too long, the nanny realised, bearing the slightest of smiles. "Well, then. Good night, Mr. Miller."
He shook his head at her teasing tactic, "Drive safe, Ms. (L/N)."
There she was again, driving back to her apartment, giggling to herself like a maniac and for what? They invited her to celebrate a holiday. People did that all the time. Office workers, family members, casual friends, new and old lovers, it was truly nothing exceptional. But to her it felt different and she couldn't tell if it was because Sarah liked her enough to want her there or if it was because it came from him. Christmas was three weeks away. Three. Weeks. Away. Gifts. She needed gifts. What would she give them? What did they like? It came to her that she didn't know them that well, which meant she had some investigating to do in the little time she had left for shopping.
————- ❈ ————-
When Christmas finally came, (Y/N) simply could not contain her excitement. She thought long and hard about the presents she would give the Millers, and while they may have appeared simple, she hoped that they would be appreciated. She personally wrapped them up in brown paper and decorated them with stamps, ribbons, and tags, firmly believing in the art of gift-wrapping. Austin had yet to see snow, she didn't think it would ever happen, yet the city was nevertheless bursting with festive spirit. Various lights decorated the trees and bushes in public parks. People hosted diverse markets in the streets where they sold artisanal goods and delicious foods. (Y/N) had gone ice-skating with the Millers a couple of weeks prior. Joel was as bad as she thought he would be; Sarah, however, was a natural. They enjoyed a lively Christmas parade that same day.
After parking in front of the house that was very tastefully decorated with her help, the young woman made her way towards the door, her homemade chocolate tarte in hand, and knocked, taking a second to register a male voice she did not recognise. The door swung open to reveal a man not much older than her, wearing a plaid shirt and dark blue jeans.
Looking her up and down, the stranger gave her a smirk, "And who might you be?"
"Hands off the babysitter, Tommy!" she heard Joel yell from deep inside the house.
"Ah, the famous babysitter!" he exclaimed, opening the door further. "Please, make yourself comfortable."
It smelled of oven-roasted turkey, of cigarette smoke, and of pine from the christmas tree. She found all of them moving about the kitchen: cutting vegetables, setting the table, washing the dishes. She felt like she'd arrived a tad too late.
"Can I help with anything?" she said, awkwardly standing in the middle of the room.
"Nah, everything's good to go," Joel replied as he scrubbed the remaining pots, "(Y/N), this is Tommy, my brother."
Said brother took her hand and placed a tender kiss on the back of it, "Very nice to meet you." Sarah couldn't hide her look of disgust if she tried.
"I didn't know Joel had a brother."
"You didn't tell her about me?" Tommy asked in exaggerated disbelief.
"Was I supposed to? Didn't know I was running a datin' agency."
"Thought that was part of the deal when we agreed to be each other's wingmen."
"Mm, don't recall us ever doing that."
"Well, we did. Spiritually. When we went to Buddy's Place? It was just around the time when Cat-" Tommy's monologue cut short with one sharp glare from Joel. (Y/N) could practically taste the tension emanating from him. Not a big fan of reminiscing the past, she noted.
"You know what, it's no problem. It's the perfect occasion to get to know each other, eh?" the younger brother flashed her a smile. They sure had impressive genes in this family.
Once the eldest Miller was done cleaning, all three adults cracked open a few cold ones to start off the evening. Tommy had the brilliant idea to teach Sarah a few card tricks, peaking their guest's interest.
"What are you teaching a 12-year-old cards for?" (Y/N) amusedly asked. Sarah seemed excited, she was one of those kids who loved to learn, it didn't matter what it was.
"First of all, every member of the Miller family knows how to play cards, we start young. And second, if not me, then who?" He made a good point. Tommy was, after all, the fun brother. "Wanna join in? I'm told I'm a great teacher."
She caught onto the subtle flirt and found herself wanting to return the energy. He was tall, he was dark, he was handsome. He smelled of cigarettes and beer with a hint of citrus notes. Not bad with kids but he wouldn't want any of his own anytime soon; very friendly, which for him also meant outgoing, ballsy, and prone to getting into trouble; charming to the point that he might seduce a few dozen women in one night; funny enough to make people like and maybe even trust him. She didn't mind flirting, but that was the extent of her intentions, and something told her Tommy Miller felt the same way.
They spent some time watching as Tommy performed the most outrageous tricks seen to man, to which his sole excuse was "I'm a bit rusty". He also tried to teach Sarah the art of cheating which, much to his disappointment and sorrow, his niece refused to take part in for moral reasons. (Y/N) noted the elder Miller's absence and excused herself from the oh-so-riveting demonstration of a disappearing card to go look for him. After searching the kitchen, his bedroom, as well as the garage, she stepped outside with a throw blanket and found him sitting on one of the patio chairs.
"What are you doing here? You'll get cold." he said, glancing at her from the side.
"I'm tougher than I look," she answered, nevermind the blanket tightly wrapped around her frame. "Came to keep you company."
"Who said I need any?" She sensed a hint of a playful tone.
"I don't know, you look awfully lonely sitting next to that empty chair." This earned her a light chuckle as she sat down. He didn't look very warm with one hand in his jacket pocket and his collar lifted up to his chin. She proceeded to awkwardly move her chair closer to his and slowly, as if dealing with a wild animal, reached out to wrap the throw around both of them, thankful that it was big enough for the job.
Sensing how still and tense he was, (Y/N) felt the need to talk to lighten the mood, "So, do you always sit outside all by yourself? In the dark? And in complete silence? Brooding-"
"I get the picture, and no," he took a sip from his bottle. "Sometimes I like to sit in my car."
He was capable of humour, which was a refreshing discovery after countless weeks of being formal. She understood wanting to define clear boundaries between employer and employee, but when she was essentially tasked to bond with his child and regularly invited to family activities, the lines naturally blurred, and her curiosity intensified.
"Who's Cat?"
Joel was silent for a second, then let out a reluctant sigh, "Cat was…a girl I knew way back when I was young."
"You're talking like you're in your 50s."
"I'm 34 to be precise, but fine, back when I was younger," he said grumpily. "We dated for a bit, then we didn't. That's how it went with most women I met."
"Oh, is this a Casanova situation?"
"No, more of a 'not ready to commit to a kid' situation," The silence that followed was loud, (Y/N) didn't want to make a sound, afraid he'd realise what he was doing and shut himself off. "I was 21 when Sarah was born. She's the joy of my life, I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without her, truly. But...it was hard back then for a single dad with a newborn. Never went to college, had to take on side jobs to sustain both of us. My love life wasn't exactly a priority, and when the opportunity presented itself, they fled as soon as they heard the mention of a child."
The next question was risky, but she couldn't think of anything else, "So you haven't dated since your younger days? Not even the hot single moms in your area?"
This made Joel laugh heartily, a sound she loved to listen to, something she wanted to hear more often. "Not really. I mean I've flirted here and there, but Sarah and I are good the way we are now. She's my priority, and I want to make sure my partner's good to my kid too, you know?"
"If you don't mind my asking, what happened to Sarah's mom?" (Y/N) probed further, "Sarah told me-"
"Nothing happened. She left and that was that." The wall was back up. You pushed your luck.
Luckily for them, Sarah called for everyone to play cards. Which was then followed by board games. What they discovered that evening is that (Y/N) was either incredibly skilled at them or simply unbelievably lucky. She and Tommy got on well, making innocent physical contact here and there, high-fiving each other, sharing a lot of laughter, too much laughter for the man that sat across from them. Joel wasn't jealous, he was never jealous, but the sight didn't make him feel happy either.
After a while, the oven beeped, indicating that the turkey was ready. The four of them prepared the table with bowls of salads, bread slices, side-dishes, making space in the centre for the bird accompanied by roasted vegetables. (Y/N) joined in their prayer before they dug into their food. They shared all sorts of life stories: Tommy's time in the army, the most frustrating clients Joel had ever had, more embarrassing anecdotes from Sarah's childhood, funny and dramatic events that occurred while (Y/N) was on vacation. The young woman then brought out the tarte she'd made for the occasion, much to everyone's delight. It was as silky as she hoped it would be, tasting notes of coffee in her chocolate dessert covered in walnut crumbs. The ambience was relaxing, they sat under the dim light of the scented candles dispersed throughout the kitchen, bathing in the sounds of laughter and utensils scraping against the food on their plates.
When all was devoured, they moved the party back to the living room and Tommy decided it was time for presents. Sarah received hers first, which turned out to be a collection of CDs of her favourite musicians from Tommy and a skateboard she'd wanted for a long time from her dad. She hugged each of them very tightly, already excited to put both of her new belongings to use. Then it was Joel's turn to unwrap a brand new wallet gifted by his brother (apparently, he had complained about his old one he owned for more than a decade) and a second-hand guitar from Sarah that she acquired from a friend's cousin then paid for a cleaning by a professional with her own pocket-money (with a little help from uncle Tommy). Tommy received a steel lighter from Joel, who claimed the custom engraving – a hand-drawn cowboy hat on the front and T. Miller on the bottom – was Sarah’s touch. Just when everyone thought they were done, (Y/N) cleared her throat, calling for their attention, whilst dragging her bag closer to where she sat on the floor.
“I brought gifts of my own.” She declared and pulled out a box and gave it to Tommy, whom she'd met only hours ago. “I’m sorry, I took this just in case someone else would be here, but I wish I had gotten to know you sooner to customise the present to your taste- “
“Oh my sweet God,” he muttered, staring at the large crystal bottle of whiskey. “This is one of the fanciest kind around, it ain’t fuckin’ cheap either!”
“You’re lucky Tommy here is a whiskey connoisseur.” Joel said from his laid-back position on the couch.
The younger brother engulfed her in a warm hug soon after, “You got my taste just right, sweetheart, thank you.”
The room was silent as she extended a purple envelope to Sarah, who sat across from her. It didn’t seem all too exciting. The kid in question opened the envelope, eyeing her babysitter, who herself seemed a bit nervous. The silence in the room was suddenly broken as the 12-year-old squealed her hardest squeal, forcing both Millers to cover their ears.
“It’s two VIP tickets to the Halican Drops concert in Houston next year!” she exclaimed, launching herself at the now grinning woman. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
“How’d you get those? I thought they were sold out.” her father asked, clearly having gone through the struggle of standing in long queues to make his daughter happy.
It was difficult to breathe with a prepubescent child sitting in your lap as she held you in a death-grip. “I have an old friend who happens to work at the venue.” she replied, accepting the kiss on the cheek from Sarah who sat back on the ground, practically buzzing as she stared at the pieces of paper in her hands.
Lastly, (Y/N) got up to stand in front of Joel as he looked up at the object she extended in complete surprise.
“You really didn’t have to- “
“Just open it.”
So he did. What he found inside was a Prussian blue knit scarf.
“I noticed you never wear one, and it’s pretty chilly out, so I figured I’d knit you one myself. Finished it just in time a couple of days ago. The color looks flattering on you.” she explained, blushing deeper and deeper with every word. She failed to notice that he, too, was heating up.
“Well, I’ll be damned. This woman can bake, she can knit, she’s smart, and she plays cards like a pro. I mean what can’t you do?” And while she knew Tommy was teasing, she couldn’t help but redden even more.
“I’m pretty proud of my mixing skills,” she added, making him pause with a face that read ‘no way’. “I’m a bartender on the weekends.”
She had barely finished her sentence when she yelped as Tommy scooped her up and over his shoulder. “That’s it! I’m taking this one with me. It was nice to see ya, big brother!”
(Y/N) squealed and wiggled around as much as she could to try to get him to let her down whilst Sarah did her best to save her friend by clinging to one of her uncle’s legs in protest. It was one chaotic scene unfolding in front of Joel, who had not moved from his seat, still staring at the scarf in his hands as he ran his thumb over the soft wool.
After all that excitement, the household members spent a few more hours watching ‘Home Alone 2’ and ‘Jingle All the Way’, DVDs Joel had bought earlier that week. During the viewing, he caught himself glancing at the woman curled up against the arm rest less than a few feet away from him. She remained completely oblivious, amused by the tomfoolery happening on-screen. He left the room for a moment to dispose of his empty bottle in the kitchen. On the short way there, he realised he was slightly tipsy. While he was rummaging through the drawers, he heard someone come up behind him.
“Looking for this?” he turned around to see (Y/N) holding up the bottle-opener. She walked up to the counter and opened the bottle in his hand, brushing her cold fingers against his warm ones in the process.
“You’re cold.” he commented bluntly.
“Yeah, my extremities get cold easily. That’s why I walk around in gloves and thick socks as soon as the temperature starts dropping.”
She threw away her own empty bottle and swiftly turned around to walk back into the living room, when she felt his hand wrap around her wrist ever so gently.
“I didn’t get to thank you back there. You know, for the present?” he spoke softly, giving her a rare smile. “It was real nice of you.”
She noticed the way his pupils were slightly wider than usual and his stance that seemed to swing back-and-forth ever so subtly. “Joel, are you…are you drunk?”
“It takes a lot more than a few bottles of IPA to get me there. I’m just fine.” he whispered, for what reason she wasn’t sure, then unexpectedly walked up the stairs to his bedroom. He didn’t leave her to contemplate her next actions for too long because he emerged not even a minute later, holding his right hand behind his back.
They found themselves standing closer than they should have, but neither of them seemed to care as Joel revealed the mystery object.
“Merry Christmas, (Y/N).”
It was the most beautiful edition of ‘Jane Eyre’ she had ever laid her eyes on. Red leather hardback with golden accents all over it, including the fore-edges, it looked like something out of a royal library.
“How did you know?” her question was vague, but she knew he knew what she meant.
“Sarah told me about the books that you like, said you haven’t read this one in a long time.”
Her warm embrace came to him as a surprise, but in the state of mind he was in, not only did he accept it, but it felt good, it felt right to hug her back.
“It happens to be one of my favourites, so thank you. Really. For all of the things you’ve done for me so far.”
The two held onto each other for longer than needed until Tommy’s call brought them back to reality. The other Miller eyed the returning pair suspiciously as they took their respective places on the couch and went back to watching the movie in comfortable silence. Only he noticed the red book in her possession and fought hard to stop himself from smiling.
Later that night, after all the dishes had been washed, the leftovers put away, and the only child put to bed, Tommy reluctantly sat in the back of the cab Joel had called for him. I am not fetching my brother from a jail cell on Christmas Day, he'd told him. When he walked back into his home, he saw a sleeping figure on the couch, covered by one of the throws.
He went into his bedroom and took no more than 10 minutes to replace all of his linen with fresh ones from the closet in the hallway. He wasn’t going to let his guest sleep on a couch, especially not under a row of windows or next to the entrance door. Carefully picking her up, and she was one deep sleeper, he made his way back to his bed to lay her down on the new sheets.
My extremities get cold easily.
He changed his usual blanket for a thicker one then grabbed a pillow and went to make his bed downstairs. He picked up the scarf lying on the coffee table once more and unfolded it entirely, only then noticing the tiny initials embroidered in grey into one of the ends – J.M. Upon an even closer inspection, he realised it smelled of vanilla and flowers.
————- ❈ ————-
masterlist: part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6
masterlist: part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6
pairing: joel miller x f!reader
tropes: fluff, hurt/comfort, age-gap
word count: ~860
author’s note: this is a short excerpt (maybe the first chapter?) of a story i’ve been thinking about for the past few weeks. this is just to establish the vibe of something that will probably turn into a series. i hope you enjoy a little melancholy.
————- ❈ ————-
“Joel.”
Tommy’s voice resonated in his brother’s ears. The eldest Miller was lost in his thoughts for what seemed like the 5th time in the past half-hour that they’ve been in the Tipsy Bison. He only responded by blankly looking up from his spot around the table.
“You alright, big brother? Wanna share what’s on your mind?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just,” Joel paused, hesitating whether or not he should be sharing his doubts. I mean, what a fucking coincidence would that be.
“I was walking around town today and... Jesus, I’m gonna sound like I’m going insane, which I probably am, but,” he let out another breath “I saw this person, this woman, standing in front of the barn and... it looked a lot like someone I knew back then. Before the outbreak, I mean.”
“Shit, didn’t think your memory was that good, old man.” Tommy joked, taking another sip of his pint.
That was the problem. His life 20 years ago and the one he was currently living felt like two different realities, he could have been mixing up his recollections. He wasn’t even sure he remembered her all that well, despite everything they’ve been through in a relatively short amount of time.
What he did know is that she was the type of person a kid would look up to: kind, passionate, crafty, incredibly smart and with a strange sense of humour. And while she was mature, she was also naïve, and indecisive, and petty, and emotional at times. But he remembered ardent feelings, feelings she displayed openly, without fear. The same couldn’t be said about him.
“Yeah, looks like all those hits to the head are finally taking effect.” he mumbled into his own drink, earning a chuckle from his brother.
“Listen, as long as you’re making sense, I ain’t complaining.”
————- ❈ ————-
The two sat around for another hour, chatting to a few people that stopped by their table for a quick hello. Tommy was mostly doing the conversing as Joel still found it a bit hard to adjust to a life in a functioning community. While the former was busy talking about supplies for the new playground with Dennis (Danny? Dean?), Joel felt like he needed another pint and headed to the bar.
It was Friday night, which meant the Tipsy Bison was busier than usual, with everyone celebrating the end of the week. It took a lot of convincing from Tommy to get his older brother to go out for drinks. He rarely ever agreed, usually preferring to stick to the bottle of whiskey he was gifted when him and Ellie first arrived. Nevertheless, Joel felt like he was finally starting to recognise some of the faces around town, which for him was a small accomplishment.
Making it to the bar, he patiently waited for one of what appeared to be three bartenders to serve him. The conversations all around him were all blending together as a soft rock tune played in the background for more ambiance. But it didn’t stop him from singling out a particular voice, a laugh, among dozens. It sounded more mature than the one etched into the far back of his mind.
He looked up from his spot at the far end of the counter, searching for the source of the anxiety growing in his chest. It’s been twenty years. It cannot be her. You are working yourself up for nothing.
And yet he strained his neck to get a better view, and there she was. Her appearance had changed slightly, she looked more rugged, more...experienced. But it was her, or at least the older version of her. You’re losing your damn mind, Joel, snap out of it.
As if she were reading his thoughts, the woman turned her head and the two made eye contact. Her smile wasn’t the only thing that had dropped as the glass she was originally drying found itself in pieces on the ground.
Joel’s ears began to ring and he found himself backing away from the counter, bumping into a few displeased townsfolk as his feet clumsily carried him out of the pub. He didn’t even realise how suffocated he felt inside until he took a big breath of the fresh evening air, leaning against a utility pole for support, not trusting his knees to hold him up. His thoughts were racing a million miles an hour, his heart was just about 10 pumps away from officially stopping.
“Mr. Miller?”
Her voice, faint and quavery, came from behind him. It ain’t her, you are seeing ghosts. Go home. It took everything in him not to run away, to get hold of himself and his emotions as the world felt like it was crumbling down on him. Finally, after what felt like hours, he braced himself and hesitantly turned around to face his past.
It was just the two of them stood outside in the dimly-lit streets of Jackson. The only sound that filled the heavy silence were the muffled noises coming from the wooden walls of the Bison. Her eyes, those pleading eyes, glistened ever so slightly with tears.
“Joel.”
————- ❈ ————-
masterlist: part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6
summary: eddie knows you have a crush, and won’t stop asking who it is OR the 5 times you didn’t tell eddie who your crush was and the one time you did | 2.4k
disclaimers: best friends to lovers, angst, small argument, idiots in love, mutual pining, use of “sweetness” and “baby”, eddie and reader being a bit oblivious, not proof read
authors note: the reader is gn but let me know if i made any mistakes !! <3
“You have a crush on someone.”
It was the first thing Eddie said when he returned to your table, and despite the innocent question, the light teasing in his voice, it still had you seizing up; blood gone cold.
“What?” You replied, your sharp tone a betrayal.
Eddie handed you your milkshake, eying you with wide eyes and an easy grin. You were quick to stick the straw between your lips, anything to keep you from speaking.
“So it’s true!” He dropped into his seat across from you, and propped his elbows onto the table, sliding closer to you with wide, inquisitive eyes. “Who is it? Is it someone I know?”
You refused to answer, scowling at him beneath your lashes as you begrudgingly sipped your milkshake.
The milkshakes here were heavenly, and yet you found yours impossible to enjoy, the beverage sour on your tongue with the knowledge that Eddie had found you out. Not completely, thank God. But if Eddie was anything, it was ambitious, and you knew he wouldn’t stop pushing until you revealed to him who it was.
“Oh, come on!” Eddie’s bottom lip jutted out, and his brows dipped in a way that made his eyes seem larger, more puppy-like. “Tell me! I’m your best friend.”
You stopped drinking to reply, pinning him with a stern look. “I don’t have a crush, Ed’s,” you said. “Don’t jump to conclusions.” And then you returned to your drink, a clear attempt to avoid having the conversation.
Eddie huffed, intensity waning as he leaned back, starting on his own milkshake, although not without a final, “I’m gonna find out.”
***
It came up the next day during lunch.
The group was in a heated debate; fingers were jabbed at one another, offence was taken, hands were thrown up in exasperation. It was a comical sight, one which you quietly observed, a laugh lodged into your throat.
The perilous laugh vanished when Eddie leaned close to you, and whispered, “Is it them you like?”
You followed where he was pointing, and swatted at his hand with a low, exasperated, “No.”
He wasn’t deterred. “What about them?”
“Nope.”
Eddie pointed at another. “Them?”
“No.”
“Them?”
“Eddie, no. Stop–”
“Them?”
You shoved at his shoulder, and he recoiled, gripping the arm you struck with a pained hiss. “I barely touched you,” you scoffed, smiling with a narrow of your eyes. “I won’t tell you who it is, stop trying.”
“So you do like someone?” Was Eddie’s reply.
“Wasn’t what I said,” you protested.
“It was implied, though,” Eddie countered, victory hidden beneath the amusement.
“Shut up,” you huffed, returning your gaze to the group who, thanks to their generous volume and passion for the discussion, hadn’t noticed your conversation with Eddie.
Eddie laughed and knocked his shoulder against yours with a chirp of, “I’m getting closer!”
You frowned softly, a despondent murmur of, “yeah, that’s the problem, isn’t it?” lost within the clamour of the cafetaria.
***
Eddie detested basketball games.
Generally, he was never a fan of the game. What amplified his distaste, however, was the jocks who played it. It solidified the prejudice he previously had against it. Besides, he wasn’t someone who was big into school spirit nor events that celebrated such.
And yet, during almost every basketball game, Eddie could be found in the stands with you at his side. This was for two reasons:
Chrissy Cunningham
Lucas Sinclair
For the first half of the game, neither of you talked. Sinclair was out on the court, and both of you were utterly immersed, spending most of it cheering and clapping your hands, strident and unapologetic in your support for Lucas. In the second half, however, when Lucas was returned to the bench, Eddie was nudging your shoulder.
You anticipated a comment about Lucas’s performance or maybe a snide remark about Jason, but when he said, “Is it them?” It had a scowl falling over your exuberant features.
“Are you serious?”
“Is it?”
You glanced over, and shook your head. “No.”
“Them?”
“No.”
“What about–” Eddie paused, nonchalance marred by distaste. He turned to you pleadingly. “Wait, don’t tell me it’s Jason.”
You swivelled to face him, amused and insulted at once. “No,” you said sourly, “It’s not Jason. He’s an asshole to you, why would you think I’d like him?”
“I wasn’t trying to say I think you’d like him. I’m just covering all my bases,” Eddie soothed, not missing a beat. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t insulting your taste, baby, I promise.”
Heat travelled up your neck at the casual pet name. “Better not be,” you warned shakily. Damn Eddie and his constant use of pet names. They could easily be misconstrued as romantic, and it was messing with your lovesick brain.
Eddie grinned, winking at you breezily before turning to assess the crowd. “Oh! What about them?”
“No, Eddie, not them either.”
***
“Is it someone in the group?”
You’d been cleaning up the DND table with Eddie in a comfortable silence, and the sudden interruption had you glancing up, brows knitted. “What?”
“Your crush,” Eddie said, a touch loudly, as if to say, “Isn’t it obvious?”
You groaned, lowering your gaze as you hurried back to the task at hand. “Eddie, let it go.”
He didn’t seem to have heard you. “You just– You act weird during DND. Or have been recently. Usually, you’re immersed in the game, but recently you seem really flustered, and nervous.”
Your shoulders tightened at the keen observation, but at least he didn’t comment on the many other signs. Ones which were much more telling. Like, you laughing too hard at his jokes, looking at him for approval, stumbling over your words when he looked you in the eye.
You were hot with the incoming deception, but you pushed through, body strung tight. “It’s not anyone from DND,” you said, the lie slippery on your tongue. You could only hope he didn’t hear the quiver in your voice.
“Whatever you say,” Eddie replied lightly.
You quietly proceeded cleaning up, not allowing yourself to relax, tense with expectation.
***
“Cherry’s better,” you announced, leaning back, lips disconnecting from Eddie’s straw.
“What?” Eddie stared at you, affronted. “Cherry is not better! Blueberry is. I– did you even taste it?”
“I did,” you said, amused. Your own drink sat on your lap, held steady by your hands, and you continued drinking it, the slush a relieving contrast to the blazing heat. You spoke around your straw. “My opinion remains.”
Eddie scoffed, and nudged his drink toward you. “Taste it again.”
“You’re ridiculous,” you laughed. Still, you humoured him, bending over his lap, and taking another sip. Then, you straightened, pursing your lips, and looking off into the distance, as if you were truly contemplating what flavour was better.
“Well?” Eddie prompted.
You nodded firmly, rumination slipping. “Yeah, cherry’s better.”
Eddie made an indignant sound, and you laughed, head thrown back as the warm, dizzying sound spilled into the air.
“Oh, that's so unfair! You were playing with me.”
“No, I wasn’t! I did think about it,” you argued. “It’s not my fault cherry’s better.”
Eddie sniffed, turning away from you with his drink in tow. He sipped on it mournfully. “Whatever, I don’t care.”
You snorted at his dramatics, following his lead, a silence descending between the two of you as you gulped down your slushies. It didn’t last long.
“Oh hey, Y/N!”
You glanced up in unison from your places on the sidewalk, and while Eddie eyed the guy unsurely, you smiled politely. “Oh, Mark! Hi.”
“We’re still on for Friday, right?”
Eddie glanced at you, a brow quirked, but you ignored him, nodding hastily. “Yeah, yeah, of course!”
“Okay, cool. See ya.”
He left for the convenient store, and when the door rattled shut, Eddie turned to you. “Friday?”
“Oh.” You turned away with a dismissive shake of your head. “I’m tutoring him.”
Eddie continued to stare at you, brow creased like something was bothering him. “What, you like him?”
You jolted, frustration and surprise surging through you, the audacity unlikely. Paired with the anger, however, there was embarrassment. His tone was cruel, and seemed to imply you’d done something wrong, causing you to warm.
You glanced at him, something accusatory burning in your eyes. “Excuse me? No. I said I’m tutoring him. What about that implied I liked him?”
It was Eddie’s turn to be embarrassed, noticeably blanching, all the fight sucked from his body as he leaned away from you, eyes wide with horror. You were certain if he wasn’t holding his slushy, he’d raise his hands in surrender. “No! No! I wasn’t– I was just curious!”
You frowned, looking away from him with a large huff, closing yourself off with a firm crossing of your arms. “Whatever.”
Eddie swallowed roughly, grimacing against the stifling air. He didn’t know what to say to save it, however, so instead, he just went back to drinking his slushy, occasionally glancing at you in concern.
***
The fight spooked you both. You had fights, of course, but they were small, and you were always quick to apologise to one another, the guilt too much to stew in. That fight, though? It felt like something else, something that seemed to threaten your friendship.
You were forced to confront each other, however, when a party was thrown Saturday, and Eddie came to pick you up.
You threw open the passenger door, and leaped inside, looking all dolled up for the party.
Eddie glanced at you, and paused. He inhaled loudly, as if he’d forgotten to breathe for a second, and said, “You look nice.”
You smiled, something about the way Eddie said it, with such glaring sincerity, and something like awe in his voice causing you to preen, suddenly a lot more comfortable. “Thank you.”
“No problem,” Eddie said as he started pulling onto the road.
The car ride wasn’t like it usually was, nowhere close to it. There was no stupid jokes that had you laughing till your ribs hurt, no arguing over who got to pick the music, no gasping in unison when your song came on, no taking the chance to catch up. None of it. It was exceptionally less awkward than earlier, however, and you could deal with that.
When you arrived, Eddie didn’t announce it. Instead, like always, he turned off the car, and hurried out, rounding to your side. He opened your door, and bowed deeply, a hand extended in offering. “Your Majesty,” he greeted.
You grinned, and took his hand. “Why thank you, good sir.”
When you were safely on the ground, Eddie straightened, and gestured at the thrumming house. “Well, shall we?”
“We shall,” you replied in an expensive tone.
You ambled up the steps, Eddie dragging you by your hand, albeit gently, and when he shoved past the door, shoulder first, you were assailed by sound; breezy laughter, loud music.
Eddie didn’t give you time to squirm beneath the questioning eyes, marvelling at the two freaks' arrival, as he tightened his grip on your hand, and pushed through the crowd, crying out, “Let’s get some drinks!”
***
You could be found perched on the couch not long after, woozy with intoxication. Eddie had his arm thrown around you snugly, and you were at his side, cheek pressed to the arm of his jean jacket. His eyes were downcast, watching you fondly, quietly, unaware of the chaos around him.
“Are you gonna ask?” You murmured.
You didn’t need to elaborate. “Can I?”
You tilted your head up, meeting his eye. “Well, do you wanna know?”
“I wanna know why you’ve been acting strange,” he admitted. “I don’t want you to feel like you're obligated to tell me something.”
You huffed. “I feel guilty.”
“Guilty?” Eddie repeated, and he said it like you were the most precious thing in the world, like you couldn’t do a single thing wrong. “Why do you feel guilty?”
“Because I’m making you worry,” you said, looking away from him, suddenly sheepish. “But I also don’t wanna ruin our friendship by telling you.”
Eddie tried to get you to look at him, following you when you turned away defiantly, leaning this way and that, bending by the hip. When none of that worked, when it didn’t even get him a smile, he sighed, a hand curling around your jaw. Gently, he turned you to face him, and although his touch was tender, his voice was firm when he said, “We’ll work through it. I don't know what it is, but even if it's a bit difficult, a bit complicated, we’ll work through it. Okay?”
You nodded hesitantly, and his hand dropped.
“Okay,” Eddie repeated. “What's up?”
Dread rippled through you, but you forced yourself to bite the bullet, your chest aching in response to his patient gaze.
“It’s you who I like.”
And when you confessed, the world didn’t stop moving. While you were sitting beside your best friend Eddie Munson, spilling your guts, people were chugging beer, dancing sloppily, and laughing without a care in the world. You were preparing for your whole world to shatter.
Eddie blinked, stupefied. “What?”
“You were asking about my crush, remember?” Your voice grew watery, and you rushed to speak, hell-bent on not crying. It was difficult not to. “Well, I do have one, and it's you.” You tried to tack on an, “I’m sorry,” because you were. Sorry for messing things up. Sorry for making it weird. Sorry for getting too gooey. But you were prevented by the thickness in your throat, prompting you to curl your lips in.
He frowned, and pity shone in his eyes.
Your heart dropped.
“Oh, baby.”
When you straightened, preparing to flee, Eddie stopped you, firmly intertwining his fingers with yours. “Stop, please.”
“Eddie, this is–” cruel, you were gonna say.
“No, I don’t– I just mean, I’m surprised you didn’t notice,” Eddie said. “And I’m sorry I never told you.”
“I’m not following,” you said softly, looking at him warily, not allowing the hope to ignite.
“Baby,” Eddie said, squeezing your hand once, and you hated the sudden flare of hope. Tried to quell it. He was making it hard, though, with all the pet names, and the sickly sweet voice, as if he was totally smitten for you. “I’m, like, totally head over heels for you.”
Oh.
Eddie grinned. “Oh no, you really didn’t know? I’m not subtle at all, sweetness. I think everyone knew, actually. Even Steve.”
You ached with happiness, and despite your attempts to resist it, you ended up smiling, shy but bursting with happiness. Holy shit, you thought. This is real. This is real.
Eddie laughed, and ducked his head, angling closer to you till your noses touched. “You have a nice smile,” he noted.
Your nose scrunched up in distaste. “Oh gosh, don’t get all sappy on me,” you protested, grinning so wide your cheeks throbbed.
Eddie smirked, seeming delighted to have made you smile. “Better get used to it, baby. I'm here all night."
Warnings : panic attack (mild, don’t worry), abit of angst (but lots of fluff to balance it out)
Summary : Things don’t just fall perfectly into place with Y/N and Ben after they had shared their first kiss. It takes an encounter with Harlan to resolve some awkward tension between them and for the two to begin falling in love again.
Word Count : 2.5k
Note : Wow thanks for the love! Here’s a part 2! If you’d like to request some writing/TUA fan art, you can support me here!
As you waited for Luther to join the Sparrows in the hall, you got acquainted with the rest of Ben’s siblings. They were familiar with the other Y/N so it wasn’t difficult for you to win them over. Honestly, there was some awkward tension between you and Ben, so you tried to avoid any eye contact with him across the hall.
After your “first” kiss in this timeline, it wasn’t as if everything else had magically fallen into place for the both of you. He wasn’t exactly the Ben you remembered, and neither were you his. It was difficult to assess where the both of you stood in this “relationship” — you didn’t want to appear too eager, and you definitely didn’t want to get hurt again. You did, however, sneak glances over at Ben. You couldn’t help it, especially after your kiss, it was difficult to ignore the deep voice, chiseled cheekbones, adorable smile — you could go on listing for hours. This new hair cut, the scar, honestly even the douchey attitude and snarky remarks were growing on you. But you really really didn’t want him to know. He seemed oblivious to your quick glances though.
Ben was quiet, seemingly observing the room but not actively contributing to discussion. Every muscle in his body seemed tense. It made you a little sad, because you’d hoped he’d think the same way of you as you did of him.
Fei and Jayme, of course, observed the entire exchange, the way Ben and you took turns to sneak glances, but quickly looked away, nearly missing eye contact each time. How could they have not noticed when you’ve made your affections painfully obvious? You weren’t a hundred percent invested in conversation with the 2 women, and Jayme found it mildly vexing that she had to pull you back into the discussion whenever your eyes drifted towards Ben.
If only you saw the longing in his gazes towards you, how his jaw stopped clenching, his fists stop gripping the furniture so tight, how his heartbeat picks up just ever so slightly whenever your lips drew into a smile at whatever Jayme and Alphonso were sharing about. He hasn’t felt these emotions in a long time, ever since he had lost you. It was uncomfortable, especially when he had spent a decade creating this stoic facade, pretending he didn’t care. He was conflicted, mostly because he didn’t know how long he could pretend he doesn’t notice the glisten in your eyes when you talk about something you’re passionate about, or how easily you blush when you spoke too dramatically. The list of things he found endearing about you might just put your list of his to shame.
“Relax. You’re free to go.” Ben finally broke the silence.
“Why?” Luther was suspicious.
“Gesture of goodwill.” Ben’s eyes flickered towards you for a brief moment and you felt your stomach flutter. You pray he couldn’t tell. Gosh, if only you knew how hard it was for him to hide it too.
“But I want you to pass on a very important message to your family. Let Marcus go.” Ben insisted, despite the fact that you told him your family had nothing to do with Marcus’ disappearance. It seems there’s still some mistrust between the two of you. That’s normal right? You knew this Ben would be a hard shell to crack.
Ben and Fri proceeded to unload his threats onto Luther and you, but it felt like they were mostly directed towards Luther. It was scary to see how different Ben acted when it wasn’t just the two of you. Maybe you weren’t as important to him as you thought.
“Don’t forget your tote bag.” Ben passed you your bag himself, and that was the second time you made eye contact this night. Your fingers brush across each other a few seconds longer that they should, and you froze. You shouldn’t have been as nervous as you were, but Ben looked and sounded way more attractive than you’d like to admit, and there was nothing you could do about it. The heart wants what the heart wants, isn’t that right?
Ben noticed the tinge of pink that burned across your cheeks, how you scrambled to look to the ground. “Control yourself” was the only thing he chanted on repetition in his mind. He didn’t like how easily it was to lose his composure around you, how a smile was tugging dangerously at the corner of his lips, how much he wanted to kiss you goodbye. But damn, knowing how nervous he could make you feel was making it extremely difficult for him to keep his cool. It was only until you left the mansion that he could exhale in relief.
As expected, none of your siblings noticed your disappearance. You caught up (definitely really happy for Viktor’s coming out). You stayed behind as Allison and Viktor cut a deal with the Sparrows — they were worried your newfound affections for the Sparrows might get in the way. So, you passed time with Luther and Diego instead.
“Holy shit! You kissed Ben?” Diego’s eyes widened in surprise and maybe even a little pride.
“sshhhh Diego! Not so loud!” You shut him up. “I swear it’s not as bad as it seems.”
Your siblings’ facial expressions were soft, and their eyes shared an emotion you couldn’t really make out. Pity, maybe? They knew how hard it was for you when you were mourning Ben’s death. Viktor pulled you into an embrace, he had a mischievous smirk plastered across his face, as if he was amused, maybe impressed at your audacity.
“Oh shit! They’re early!”
You immediately got up to meet the Sparrows. Of course, your eyes shot straight the Ben, clad in his skintight Sparrow uniform. You’d be lying if you didn’t think maroon looked amazing on him, and that smoulder. You felt guilty though, admiring Ben when it wasn’t the right place of time to do so. You tried to suppress the burning you felt rising to your cheeks. His eyes scanned the room in immense concentration, before they landed directly on you. You saw how they softened, how his gaze lingered then faltered, as if he wanted to look away and focus on the task at hand but couldn’t bring himself to do it.
The rest of the events were hard to recall. You remembered a wave of paralysing fear hit you as you fell to the ground. You definitely didn’t remember the hurt on Ben’s face as he watched how Christopher tortured you and your siblings. You vaguely remembered crying out for Ben, but there was no response and you assumed he hadn’t cared enough. But you definitely didn’t see how the moment you cried out for him was more than enough to push him over the edge to call everything off and run to your embrace. Then, there was another wave of intense pressure and heat from behind, and Ben ducking on top of you to shield you, before you blacked out completely.
You woke up to Ben and Fei. You were back at the Sparrow’s mansion yet again, except this time, you were met with eyes of distrust and anger from the Sparrow siblings. You searched Ben’s face for any sign of concern, but you couldn’t find much. Then again, they had just lost 2 more siblings so he must’ve been too overwhelmed to be concerned about you.
“Who was that old guy?” Ben spoke up, his voice laced with anger and threat, so much that you almost couldn’t recognise him anymore.
“I don’t know. i’ve never seen him before, i swear..” You defended. Your voice was soft, weak, and your head hurt.
Ben approached you, tentacles emerging from his chest, as if to threaten you. You never thought he’d use his powers against you. You were beyond confused, and scared, because you knew if he wanted to hurt you, you wouldn’t have it in your heart to use your powers against him.
Under his ruthless exterior, Ben only felt pain and heartache. He’d assumed you’d only used him to get the upper hand. It hurt him that he loved you so much even when the old man with powers showed up and killed 2 of his siblings, it was instinctive that he dove over to protect you instead of them. He was angry that after you’d betrayed him, he couldn’t look past the pained expression on your face. He still wanted to hold you and tell you things would be fine. He wanted to wipe the tears of your cheeks and hold your hand until you were calm. It made him feel guilty that despite what your siblings had done to Jayme and Alphonso, he couldn’t hate you, he couldn’t even bear to raise his voice at you again.
“You make me sick.” Ben’s voice was softer now, still stern, but softer. It hurt him to see you so afraid of him when he raised his voice earlier.
“I really don’t know. Please believe me.” You begged. You begged not because you were fearful for your life, but because it hurt you too much to think Ben trusted you so little.
“Please..” Your voice trailed off. Ben turned away. He didn’t want you to see his expression falter. He loved you too much to continue interrogating you. He knew that seeing your pained expression a second too long was all he needed to break and give in. Ben squeezed his eyes shut, exhaled and prayed his eyes would stop watering.
“Y/N, don’t make us ask you twice.” Fei took over.
Then, Christopher’s trilling was followed by an intense sensation of fear, so paralysing you fell onto the ground once again. This was almost more painful than what you experienced earlier in the hotel lobby. You couldn’t even hear the shriek you let out as you cupped your palms over your head.
“PLEASE! BEN! Please stop! I don’t know anything!” You were screaming desperately, grasping at your head and your years, you tried anything to make it stop.
“Christopher! Stop it! STOP!” You heard Ben’s voice, shouting in desperation and urgency. He couldn’t bear to see you in pain. His tentacles knocked Christopher off and you were released from his paralysis. You gasped for air and cried out as you tried to gather yourself. Ben stood in between you and his siblings, tentacles extended as if to shield you yet again.
“GET OUT!” Ben yelled at his siblings. “Let me handle this.” he spoke softer.
Everything was a blur. The sound of the doors opening and slamming close indicated the siblings had left. You heard footsteps pacing towards your slouching body on the ground.
“Please… just stay away from me.” You pulled your knees towards your chest and lowered your forehead onto your chest. You squeezed your eyes shut as you whimpered. Whatever had just happened was overwhelming, to say the least. You wanted nothing more than to curl up alone and wait until everything felt calmer.
Ben broke at the sight of you. He didn’t know if it was your screams, or your crying now, but all the rage and frustration he felt earlier were no longer there. All he felt was pain and guilt, because now he knew you weren’t lying. He didn’t know what it was that made him believe you, but he just knew you weren’t lying. He didn’t know what to do, or whether you hated him now. But his heart ached so hard it physically hurt for him to stand. So, he kneeled down and gingerly approached you.
“Please.. please don’t.” You rejected the hand Ben extended towards you. Ben was at a loss of what to do. He wanted nothing more than to hold you until you were okay, but you had just rejected his touch.
“Please leave.” He didn’t leave.
“Please! i’m begging you. Please!” You felt more agitated and you found yourself gasping for air as your heart rate picked up. The skin on your left arm went numb and your chest started to constrict.
“I… I can’t breathe.” you found yourself chanting repeatedly, arms grasping at your chest even though it did nothing to was your panic.
Ben pulled your arms down before pulling you into his embrace. You felt his toned arms hold you firmly in an embrace, and heard his shushing in the background. You melted further into his chest, still gasping for air as you sobbed.
“Breathe with me.” He lulled, just like how who used to comfort you when you were kids. Then, you found yourself taking breaths following his rhythm.
You didn’t know how long the two of you stayed in that position. Ben didn’t want to move. He let his heart savour this moment, reveling in the intimacy the both of you shared. It probably would’ve looked funny to anyone else — with you seated on Ben’s lap, face buried into his chest, and his head resting on top of yours.
“I’m sorry, I should’ve trusted you.” Ben placed a soft kiss on the top of your head.
“It’s okay, I understand, I’m sorry about your siblings too. My family would’nt have killed anyone like that.” You answered. It must’ve been hard for Ben to trust you, given how ridiculous the situation was. And it was hard. But Ben knew deep down that even if you had betrayed him, he would’ve still chosen to trust you, and he would’ve still thrown himself over you to protect you, because he loved you too much to lose you again.
“Do you still want me to leave?” Ben pulled away. His eyes met yours. They were full of concern and pining, and they looked like they were begging for you to say you wanted him to stay.
“Can you hold me a little longer?” You answered and pulled him back into your embrace. You felt Ben exhale with relief.
“I’ll be alright.” You assured him. “and we’re okay?”
“We’re more than okay.” Ben answered, before placing a finger cautiously under your chin, and pulling you in for a kiss.
“I love you.” you spoke in Korean, in an attempt to lighten the mood. You had taught each other how to speak your languages when you were kids. Ben laughed lightly. It seemed he shared the same memory with his Y/N too. And at that moment, it seemed Ben’s heart grew 10 times its size, and he found himself falling in love with the girl in front of him all over again, just like he did 2 decades ago.
“I love you, really.” So much more than you will ever know. He wanted to say the second part too, but he was afraid it would come off too intense. Before he lost you, he had been toying with the idea of proposing. He’d kept the ring after that, it’s still sitting in a drawer in his room. He would’ve told you this too, but he figured he’d save it to tell you another day.
Pairings : Sparrow!Ben Hargreeves x Umbrella!reader
Warnings : nothing much, just a little angst
Summary : While the Umbrella Academy lost Ben Hargreeves some 17 years ago, the Sparrow Academy lost you instead. Set in Season 3 ep 1-2, you share an emotional reunion with the new Ben Hargreeves.
Word Count : 1.7k
Note : I rarely write anymore, but Ben Hargreeves has my heart. Maybe I’ll do a part 2!
“Dad, who the hell are these assholes?”. You recognised Ben’s voice. It had been over 17 years since you’ve heard it (oh the things you would’ve done to hear his voice one last time). This time, it was slightly different though, slightly deeper, and at a lower register. Nevertheless, you’d never forget the voice of someone who meant so much to you.
The last time you had “spoken” to Ben wasn’t long ago, through Klaus. You had gone with Diego to pay the cult leader a visit. Little did you know, you would have shared your last emotional embrace with Ben. It felt odd, almost desperate even, speaking to him through Klaus, but it had been so long since you had been held in Ben’s arms. When he left, he told Viktor to remind you that he loved you. It hurt to recall the events of the past few days, especially because you knew there was nothing you regretted more than not telling Ben you loved him before he died. Everyone in the family knew you harboured affections for each other — it was difficult to date in secret when some of your siblings were so nosy. The two of you had shared your first kiss just days before he passed. You were both teens, and there was so much more love you had for him, so many “I love you”s you had saved for him, all of which you never had the chance to give him.
“Ben?”, your voice was shaky, and you felt your eyes become glassy. Now wasn’t the time to get emotional, especially since the mansion was crowded with super-powered (and potentially dangerous) strangers. Ben looked different — the scar on his cheek, the way he styled his hair. It scared you that he had changed, but what scared you the most was the look in his eyes. You couldn’t read what was behind his dark eyes, not like how you could with your Ben. The old Ben was sweet, and very very messy. The man before you looked scheming, angry, and the way he spoke reminded you of an asshole. You did notice his facial expressions soften when his eyes landed on you.
“Y/N?” His voice was just as shaky as yours.
“Ben, compose yourself.” The woman who could manifest crows warned him.
“Is that really you, Y/N?” The brunette (you would later know as Sloane) interjected. She seemed like the kindest of the bunch.
How could they have known your name? You weren’t the brightest Hargreeves sibling but it didn’t take much for you to come to a conclusion. If Ben was alive in their timeline, perhaps you were the one that had passed. While the Umbrella academy grew up without Ben, the Sparrows had done so without you. You didn’t have much time to process this though, since things escalated pretty quickly between the Umbrellas and Sparrows. Before you knew it, you found yourself caught between Five and the sparrow sibling with hallucinogenic spit. She snarled and hurled her dark spit towards you too quickly for you to react, but it was swiftly deflected by a tentacle you never imagined you’d see again.
“You okay?“ Ben approached you cautiously.
“How do you all know my name?” You asked him. He didn’t look as cold as he did earlier. Instead, his facial expressions were replaced by a mixture of confusion, concern, and even a little bit of hurt. You saw the edges of his lips move, as if he were about to say something, but you never got a chance to hear his reply as the rest of your siblings dragged you away.
The second time you saw him was just as unexpected. You had gone on your usual morning jog with Luther before the sparrows kidnapped the both of you. When the both of you woke up, you followed closely behind Luther. You thought it best to be silent in case the Sparrows could see through your facade and detect your anxiety. Luther could sense your fear, which was why he held you close and did the talking on your behalf while you sat next to Sloane.
“Has your Y/N always been such a coward? Can you not speak for yourself?” Ben gestured towards you in a mocking tone.
“Ignore him.” Fei comforted you. You couldn’t deny you felt hurt. Your Ben was not nearly as much of an asshole as he was.
“Our Ben would’ve never spoken to us like this.” Your voice trailed off towards the end. You weren’t looking for a fight.
“I’m not your little boyfriend, Y/N. My Y/N was never this pathetic.” Ben retaliated.
“Ben! That’s enough!” Fei interjected. Ben’s eyebrows furrowed and his eyes softened once he saw your hurt expression. You could tell he regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth, but you stormed out of the room before he had the chance to say anything else.
After his interrogation with Luther, Ben left him to his meal. Fei followed him out to confront him.
“You still have feelings for her.” Fei knew her brother well enough to tell that he had been distracted the past day.
“She’s not our Y/N, Fei, she’s the enemy.” Ben defended himself, but he knew that some part of him cared for her more than he’d like to admit.
“You should talk to her, you only get that kind of love once in your life.” Fei encouraged. Ben stayed silent as she walked away. He pinched his nose bridge and squeezed his eyes shut. It had been difficult to maintain a stoic expression in front of his siblings, especially considering the overwhelming sense of confusion, melancholy and relief he had to hide for the past day.
Ben entered his room to grab his jacket, although he’d be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t also hoping to find you there. In his timeline, you died a few years after Ben did in yours. This meant that the both of you had been together for a few years before he lost you. He knew you’d come to his room to cry whenever something upset you.
To his relief, Ben did find you curled up in his bed.
“I came to grab my jacket.” Ben lied. You immediately jolted up and tried to wipe away your tears as subtly as you could when he barged in.
“Stop… crying on my bed, emo. It’s gross.” He tried to sound detached, hoping you couldn’t tell that his heart actually clenched at the sight of your pitiful expression. He was angry at himself for hurting you, but he was even more confused about his feelings towards you. You were supposed to be the enemy, yet he wanted nothing more than to apologise and hold you in his arms.
“I’ll leave, I’m sorry” You hoped he would be a little kinder to you after the hurtful things he said earlier, but you had to remind yourself that this was not the same Ben you loved.
“Wait…just stay for a bit.” Ben’s voice was much softer now, almost as if he was pleading.
“You used to come in here when you were upset” He explained.
“You told me I could always come to your room to cry whenever our siblings upset me.” You added.
“Tell me about your Ben...” Ben gently sat himself next to you. You scanned his face. His eyes were glassy, his eyebrows creased and you swore you saw his lips quiver. It took a lot for Ben to keep himself together at the moment. For a brief second, you saw a hint of warmth, kindness and love in his eyes, just like the Ben you knew.
“Um… I loved him, but I never got the chance to tell him… For some time, Klaus could speak to him. He told me you loved me back.” You stifled a sob and covered your face with your hands as you cried. You felt Ben’s arms hold you tightly, so you melted into his embrace and let out a sob into his chest. He only pulled you in closer. Ben needed this as much as you did, he felt desperate for your touch. If only you knew how hard he had wished to hold you one last time since your accident, how many sleepless nights he had because his heart yearned for you till it physically hurt.
“I never got to hear him tell me he loved me back. Klaus reminds me he does, but I’ll never hear his voice saying it.” You whispered, hoping Ben would understand.
“I love you. I love you more than you can imagine.” Ben whispered back without missing a beat. You sobbed louder into his chest. It’s confusing, finally hearing the words you had wanted to hear so badly after waiting 17 years.
“I might not be your Ben, but I love you, and it hurts too much to know you never heard it back.” Ben pulled your head towards his, resting his forehead onto yours. Your noses lightly brushed against each other, and your lips were dangerously close.
“I love you too. There is no old Ben or new Ben, just you, you are my Ben.” You assured him. You don’t know exactly when, but by now, Ben’s cheeks were also streaked with tears. He shut his eyes tightly, attempting to regain his composure.
“You have no idea how physically painful it was to not be able to hold you like this, to not be able to kiss you.” Ben’s breathing was erratic, you could tell it was taking a lot of effort for him to stop himself from crumbling.
“I do.” You replied softly, as you raised your thumb to wipe his tears.
“Can I kiss you?” Ben pleaded. His eyes were full of longing. This man in front of you is exactly the Ben Hargreeves you knew. Perhaps the childhood he shared with the Sparrows, and the sorrow he experienced after losing you made him act like the asshole he was a few hours earlier. You heart ached thinking about how much he had been through.
You closed the gap between your lips, running your hands through his hair. His palm held the back of your head firmly but gently, as if he was afraid of losing you again.
Even if the universe was about to end for the third time, you had never been more thankful that you found your way back to Ben Hargreeves in the end.
wHY DOES THIS HAVE JUST 308 NOTES???? THE ENTIRE WORLD SHOULD BE SHARING THIS. CHINA IS LITERALLY COMMITTING THE HOLOCAUST, ONLY THIS TIME ON MUSLIMS AND Y’ALL ARE SILENT?
i have 495 people following me right now, including several mutuals. i better see y’all reblogging.
People might not be reblogging this because the first tweet makes unnecessary (and untrue) Holocaust comparisons. Taken from @nat_slay on Twitter (I don’t know the original source):
The “ways to help” info seems good afaik but feel free to correct me if I’m wrong there too.
As a Jewish person, I appreciate those saying that this is not okay and that it is misinformation. No, 6 million Uyghur Muslims have not been murdered.
And, as a Jewish person, I know that 6 million very well could be murdered. This is not another Shoah, but it very well could become another. As a Jewish person, I feel we must say “never again.”
Never again.
“Never again” does not mean “this event was so uniquely horrible, it could never happen again.” It means “this event was horrible, but not unique. We have to make sure it never happens again.”
Never again.
The Uyghur death count isn’t 6 million, that is misinformation. But “never again” means we have to make sure it doesn’t become 6 million.
If you are not Jewish or Romani, do not draw comparisons to the Holocaust. All that provides is shock value and misinformation. What you can do is support Uyghur Muslims.
The link to the original post doesn’t work—here are other sources:
Source from The Silhouette
Source from Business Insider
Source from Middle East Forum
Source from India Blooms
Source #1 from Jewish News
Source #2 from Jewish News
Groups to donate to:
Charity Right’s Food for Uyghurs
Uyghur Human Rights Project
Petitions to sign:
Petition 1
Petition 2
If you have more relevant resources, please share them. Petitions are likely meaningless in contrast to the Chinese government.
For those who are able to, take action. For those who are unable to take action, please share.
why do all writers on here (yes, you included) ask for reblogs to "support creators"??? writing isn't even that hard
okay, first of all, you saying “writing isn’t even that hard” is literally so dumb of you. writing is in no way, shape, or form easy. i ask for reblogs, personally, because my tags don’t always work and reblogs are the only other way for people besides those who follow me to see my work. i spend my time writing fanfiction free of charge to anyone else, just to post it here so that people can consume it. the least that people can do is reblog. it takes like 5 seconds if you don’t add tags. and listen, you may think, objectively, that writing isn’t that hard, but unless you are a writer, you don’t get it. and, not to be rude or anything, but i’d like to see you take a four word prompt and turn it into a fic that’s over twenty five thousand words. coming up with ideas, daydreaming about things that could be turned into fics? those things are easy. writing it, turning it into an entire story that people are going to want to read. making it sound good and trying to make it just right? that’s hard.
plus, when my fics don’t get a lot of notes, i get that. i’m not that big of a blog, i don’t expect a lot of notes. however, there are blogs on here that literally have thousands upon thousands of followers and they get little to no interaction because all people do is like the fic. yeah them having a bunch of followers is great, but not all of them are going to want to read a certain fic. hell, some of them may not even see it. and if the tags don’t work and nobody reblogs, the only people that are going to see it are the few people that have post notifs on, the ones that check their favs blogs, or the ones that have the fic show up on their dash.
it’s even more necessary for small creators / those that just started posting to get more reblogs. because if they don’t have that many followers, then who’s going to see it if the tags don’t work and nobody reblogs? no one is. and as a new blog that just started posting, that has to fucking suck. actually, it does suck. i know it does because that’s how it was at times when i first started posting.
personally, i am lucky enough to have followers and mutuals that will reblog my fics, so my fics get read by more people than just the ones that follow me regardless of whether or not the tags work for me. normally it takes a few reblogs, but my fics still get a little bit of traction if they don’t make it to the tags. not everyone is that lucky. sometimes, if the tags don’t work, there are authors that get less than 50 notes on their fics even if they normally get hundreds when the tags do work.
so yeah, i ask for reblogs. not only for myself, but for every creator that makes something that you enjoy. and no, writing is not easy. writing is that hard.
I reblogged him the day i started treatment and 1. GOT TO MY APPOINTMENT ON TIME 2. FOUND A FREE PARKING TICKET SOMEONE LEFT IN THE METER FOR ME AND 3. GOT FREE STARBUCKS AFTER MY APPOINTMENT!!!!!
ok i saw this on twitter and i’m jacking it but tell me 3 things you are proud you accomplished in 2020 🥰 i know it’s been a shit year but no accomplishment is too small or insignificant
I did very well in my units, I came top 20 out of 350+ teams in my first time participating in a competition, I started posting my writings again !! 💛💛 anyone who sees this please do it 💛
