Thought of the Moment

[insearchformysoul]

Family of Origin

When asked what is the most important thing in life, most people respond with family. Yet you have people like me who get nothing but anxiety and stress when they have thoughts of family of origin. The ones who are supposed to protect you and care about you, gave you trauma. They don't even know how you feel, let alone anything else.

[insearchformysoul]

Need to relax

So stressed out, tired and yet I can't fall asleep. My brain is bombarded with hundreds of thoughts and that's not helping. I get stressed if I can't fall asleep and then when I can't fall asleep enough then I get stressed. Sigh!

[insearchformysoul]

Thoughts & Feelings

I don't feel too good about H. Being falsely accused of completely untrue things over and over again is a form of emotional abuse. I've already had it with one person, I don't need another person. I have so much that I can say to H, but I rather not. It will cause another argument. H doesn't have the brain neither any capacity to understand how H's words affect me. I've been accused of somehow disrespecting, but what about what I am worth and what you bring in my life? Is that not disrespect? I was living a much better life before you ruined mine. I had higher standards (and no, I am not talking about looks or money). It's pathetic what you've turned my life into with your stupid responsibilities. You don't want to acknowledge your past trauma and neither do you want to stop belittling me, no one can help you then.

[insearchformysoul]

Traumatized Humans

People with past trauma have some mental issue. I never realized how secretly messed-up they really are. Most of them don't want to confront it, neither do they want to speak about it. You can't fix what you're not aware of. So this is the second person I realized who falsely accuses me off untrue things. Amazing how they fabricate things you've never even thought of.

[insearchformysoul]

This Morning

So this morning I woke up, did some work. Then I had to find my purse with earphones. I couldn't find that. I needed one badly for the moment. Then I also started wondering where my pillow was left at. The good one. I guess it was thrown out too. I'm so pissed off because I do all the hard work attaining these things and it gets destroyed. Now I'm unsure if that purse is also thrown out. Act like some mighty with attitude but has nothing to give. Relationships are a two way street, not one person keep giving giving.

[insearchformysoul]

No Title

So I made someone mad by calling a person of a lower status. But then the same person has no standards whatsoever. The person does bring me down to a lower status. I used to lead a better quality of life before. It also hurts me to see the person angry because of me. But what about my own feelings? I pour everything that I have and still I'm at a loss. How is that fair? Life sucks, don't like hurting people but I'm also constantly being hurt by one person or another.

[insearchformysoul]

Texting Her

Today I felt generally ok. At the end of the day, I was texting my sister. It was a nice way for me to rant about something. But it was also good to text her because certain topics and people who I texted about were funny.

[insearchformysoul]

Today's Mood

Today has been a decent day. Thankfully he hasn't cried a lot. I've also managed to complete my tasks and be productive. Better days are to come. Being productive makes me happy, my abused and tormented mind can't withstand not being doing any at all.

[insearchformysoul]

Big Place

He wanted a bigger place, it's not the biggest but still, it's anxiety inducing running after them in this place. Can't even pray in peace.

[insearchformysoul]

Anxiety Again

Feeling very angry and anxious for no reason. Unsure why, it's been a few days that I've been feeling like this.

[insearchformysoul]

Human Intellect

I like deep conversations, human intellectual conversations that make my mind work. I like conversations that make me think, that keep my mind in a state of interaction with other deep people. I don't like superficial and dull conversations. This is all a result of my brain being overridden by mental and emotional abuse. My brain loves being stimulated.

[insearchformysoul]

Isolation and Starvation

After years of abuse and made to be isolated, I am starving for some normal non-toxic human connection, some normal human contact. But unfortunately, right now I don't have that. It sucks that the internet isn't fully functional either.

[insearchformysoul]

Money Bait

So they think they can hurt me collectively for decades. Then they think that they can buy me with money. They think all the emotional and mental pain, my social isolation, slowly dying inside everyday, daily chronic anxiety,... will all be undone with money? Nah.

[insearchformysoul]

Another Tuesday

Another Tuesday and feeling anxiety again. Just like every other Tuesday and I'm unsure why I always feel this way on this day. Trying not to let too much anxiety into me, but it still does happen even if a little bit. Hopefully it gets better one day.

[insearchformysoul]

Morning Thoughts

Woke up this morning with him crying. It gave me anxiety since I like total peace and quiet around me (especially after decades of verbal and mental abuse). Then it also made me feel even worse knowing how the ones who were supposed to care for me, are those who have hurt me more than anyone could possibly hurt you. Funny to see how I have been isolated by the very people who were supposed to be a part of me, a large part of me. While they are all together, I'm all alone. It is a suffocating feeling, as if I am half drowning and half living. So I can't totally live but I also don't fully die. Now I just want to cry but that isn't happening either. At least I got God.

[insearchformysoul]

Being Alone Day 2

Feeling alone again, raising these two. I've never mattered in my life, I've never had a single adult by my side, supporting me, uplifting me. Now I feel it even more because I am physically alone, no adult with me. When the other adult is available, is too busy texting the mother.

[insearchformysoul]

Being alone

Being alone and lonely. First it was my birth giver who abused me for decades, isolated me from my own immediate family, now it's my spouse who has created situations where I am always all alone and feel lonely too.