inside outlet

[sycamorality]

shoutout all my neurodivergent folk who Dont have autism or adhd

[sycamorality]

hey fellow autistic folk and adhders. this post isn't about you. this post is about all the other neurodivergence that is specifically Not autism or adhd. maybe the clearest post on the site about that actually. i'm autistic and have adhd too, but this post is specifically not about that. stop making it about your autism or your adhd.

it's about npd, bpd, psychosis, schizophrenia, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, dysgraphia, epilepsy, DLD, did, osdd (and any other plurality/multiplicity), depression, brain damage, anxiety, tourettes, down syndrome, ptsd, and everything else. it's specifically about neurodivergence that ISNT autism or adhd.

[oaluz]

"When the developmental task of self-esteem is mastered in an older child or adult, the experiential consequences are quite significant: The sense of self, whether spontaneously coming to awareness or deliberately evoked, is accompanied by positive feeling. Children and adults who fail to establish this developmental linkage of positive affect to the self-representation either have no feeling or negative feelings when they experience the sense of self. They often experience that something is missing, and no matter how successful they may have become (enhanced self-agency is often used to overcompensate for poorly developed self-esteem), they never feel good about themselves."

"There are three primary factors that promote healthy self-esteem in childhood. As we have emphasized in this book, the first and most important factor in the development of healthy self-esteem is consistent expressed delight from attachment figures toward the child throughout childhood. Kohut (1971) characterized the foundation of this as “the gleam in the mother’s eye.” Healthy parents are openly expressive about their positive feelings toward their children. Such parents enjoy (almost) everything that the child does and readily express their delight in the noticed behavioral changes in the growing child. More important, such parents take delight in their child’s unique being and express this both directly and indirectly to the child. Positive emotional expression from the parents pervades everything about the interactions with the child over time, and the child internalizes the parents’ expressed positive emotion and directly links it to the developing sense of self. The developmental outcome is healthy self-esteem, or the consistent experience of positive emotions about the self when the self-sense and its defining qualities are evoked. The second source of healthy self-esteem is the repeated experience of mastery in childhood, especially during what Mahler et al. (1975) call the “practicing” period. During this time, the child will explore and experiment with what he or she finds and will thereby discover and develop his or her strengths and competencies, leading to a sense of mastery in some circumstances; the greater the mastery, the greater the self-esteem. However, children who lack an experiential foundation of consistent expressed delight from attachment figures, and especially children whose attachment figures were positive only in response to the child’s successful doing, are at risk of using the sense of mastery, and self-agency in general, to overcompensate for the absence of early positive mirroring. Such children grow up to be highly successful but unhappy people, because doing more and more, however effective, can never be a substitute for feeling positive in one’s being. The third source of healthy self-esteem in older, latency-age children is the establishment of structure and consistent limit-setting (Cotton, 1983). If older children are not given enough structure or clear limits, their behavior becomes unfocused and directionless, which is erosive to what might already be a good foundation of self-esteem if there had been consistent expressed delight and experiences of mastery."

Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair, Daniel P. Brown and David S. Elliott (bolded mine)

[yeehawpim]

I can be shaped by more than the things that hurt me

[xenosagaepisodeone]

I've seen what happens when people Get Worse. I've orbited a lot of people who Got Worse (especially online). If you listen to people who Got Worse it's all the same: they don't have consistent, meaningful social support, they've been hurt too many times and they can't open up out of fear that the next betrayal is going to drive the knife right through the artery, they end up spending too much time alone and develop secret languages, meanings, thought cycles completely inscrutable to anyone who has never had to rely on such rituals to survive, they get caught in a cycle of reopening and licking their wounds because the progression of time is so unrewarding and stagnant that the past is basically always the present, and the present is already the future, they become mean, they become strange.

some people might offer to help them but it's rare they ever know where to start, let alone exhibit compassion without grimace. admittedly, even for genuinely compassionate people, it isn't the easiest thing. if the person is someone who is stuck in their ways or doesn't know you, they don't really have a reason to be receptive to your help. "why should I waste my time on someone who is just going to become another memory of heartache? someone who will carelessly hurt and abandon me?" and such. an earnest attempt to help can feel like an attempted assault to them. at the same time, the meaningful interpersonal relationships that these people need will not survive if built on pity or fleeting self-gratifying feelings of "building" someone into your idea of a desirable person.

I don't know where I was going with this, but I always found it hard not to see myself as only a few degrees removed from these people. one or two safety nets separated from being completely trapped. unable to feel safe in not just the world but also my own body. a cosmological dead end. I stay away from habitually engaging in the obvious things can that make trying to change when you're at this point difficult (alcohol, drugs, etc), but if temperance is how you maintain stability in the face of rock bottom, you're basically already there, right? you're there and your body just hasn't caught up. maybe I'm just being dramatic because it's late. hows everypony finding the new deltarune chapters.

[technicoloring]

Do not despise your inner world. That is the first and most general piece of advice I would offer– Our society is very outward-looking, very taken up with the latest new object, the latest piece of gossip, the latest opportunity for self-assertion and status. But we all begin our lives as helpless babies, dependent on others for comfort, food, and survival itself. And even though we develop a degree of mastery and independence, we always remain alarmingly weak and incomplete, dependent on others and on an uncertain world for whatever we are able to achieve. As we grow, we all develop a wide range of emotions responding to this predicament: fear that bad things will happen and that we will be powerless to ward them off; love for those who help and support us; grief when a loved one is lost; hope for good things in the future; anger when someone else damages something we care about. Our emotional life maps our incompleteness: A creature without any needs would never have reasons for fear, or grief, or hope, or anger. But for that very reason we are often ashamed of our emotions, and of the relations of need and dependency bound up with them. Perhaps males, in our society, are especially likely to be ashamed of being incomplete and dependent, because a dominant image of masculinity tells them that they should be self-sufficient and dominant. So people flee from their inner world of feeling, and from articulate mastery of their own emotional experiences. The current psychological literature on the life of boys in America indicates that a large proportion of boys are quite unable to talk about how they feel and how others feel — because they have learned to be ashamed of feelings and needs, and to push them underground. But that means that they don’t know how to deal with their own emotions, or to communicate them to others. When they are frightened, they don’t know how to say it, or even to become fully aware of it. Often they turn their own fear into aggression. Often, too, this lack of a rich inner life catapults them into depression in later life. We are all going to encounter illness, loss, and aging, and we’re not well prepared for these inevitable events by a culture that directs us to think of externals only, and to measure ourselves in terms of our possessions of externals. What is the remedy of these ills? A kind of self-love that does not shrink from the needy and incomplete parts of the self, but accepts those with interest and curiosity, and tries to develop a language with which to talk about needs and feelings. Storytelling plays a big role in the process of development. As we tell stories about the lives of others, we learn how to imagine what another creature might feel in response to various events. At the same time, we identify with the other creature and learn something about ourselves. As we grow older, we encounter more and more complex stories — in literature, film, visual art, music — that give us a richer and more subtle grasp of human emotions and of our own inner world. So my second piece of advice, closely related to the first, is: Read a lot of stories, listen to a lot of music, and think about what the stories you encounter mean for your own life and lives of those you love. In that way, you will not be alone with an empty self; you will have a newly rich life with yourself, and enhanced possibilities of real communication with others.

Martha Nussbaum, philosopher, law & ethics professor

[brutereason]

As a therapist, a person with a mental illness, and a friend to other people with mental illnesses, it’s hard for me to navigate the territory around the statement “I can’t do [healthy/necessary thing] because of my mental illness.” While that’s sometimes literally true, it’s also true that mental illness distorts your view of yourself and what’s possible, and it’s also true that difficult doesn’t mean impossible, and it’s also true that some of the things that are harder for mentally ill people to do are also even more important for them to do than for anyone else.

I would be a terrible therapist AND a terrible friend if I always believed the things that mentally ill people say about themselves, but I also have to acknowledge that they still know themselves better than I do.

[brutereason]

There is no one way to experience trauma. Everyone has different prior histories of trauma. Everyone has different resources. Everyone focuses on different aspects. Everyone finds different meanings. The trauma may be the same, but each person is different. Even reactions that we find completely counterintuitive are normal responses to trauma. Yes, that includes yours. Your reaction to all of this is normal.

Your Reaction Is Normal - Almost Diamonds 

[brutereason]

One of the biggest gamechangers I ever experienced in terms of mental health was the realization that I can have a meaningful and impactful life without being The Best (or even anywhere near it) at anything. I don’t have to get a PhD and publish in the top journals. I don’t have to write a bestseller. I don’t have to be published in the New York Times. I don’t have to get a new type of therapy named after me. I don’t have to teach at Columbia (and thank god, because I’m not moving back there).

The idea that I have to achieve Notoriety in my chosen fields/interests in order to feel like my work is worth it was probably the biggest crock of shit I was fed as a child and I’m glad to be rid of it.

[niqabisinparis]

My goal isn’t to make people feel beautiful. It’s to make them realize that feeling beautiful doesn’t mean jack shit. Beauty fades. Beauty is not reliable. Beauty is subjective and fluctuating. You take up the space you want and say “I might not think I’m beautiful. Hell, I might be ugly to some people, but I still deserve to be here, to be loved, to do what I want.” I don’t think I’m beautiful at all, but I try not to stop that from getting in the way of living my life. That’s a much more powerful thought than “I’m beautiful too.” Don’t be afraid to be ugly and stop holding yourself to impossible standards in public. Ignore the male gaze. Ignore all gazes. Focus on yourself and what you’re trying to accomplish. 

[unapologetically-human]

HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AFTER A LAPSE

1. Recognize that lapsing is a normal part of recovery. 

I don’t say that to justify lapsing or use as a cop out when things get difficult. I say it as a reminder that your recovery doesn’t have to be perfect in order to produce results. That said, no one’s recovery is perfect. Everyone has set backs and struggles. Everyone makes mistakes, messes up, and reverts to old behaviors — not because they’re weak or incapable, but because recovery is really, really difficult. Your behaviors helped you cope with trauma and incredible emotional pain. They allowed you to numb out and they kept you afloat when you felt like you were drowning. Letting go of something that helped you survive for so long is not easy. And it doesn’t happen over the course of a few days or months. It’s terrifying, painful, incredibly challenging, and it takes time. So be compassionate with yourself and your process. You’re doing the best you can to fight this and recover and it’s all you can ask of yourself. 

2. Use the lapse as a learning experience. 

You can’t go back in time and change the fact that you lapsed, but you can choose how you respond to it. You can wallow in self-pity, beat yourself up, and use what happened as an excuse to continue using behaviors. Or you can choose to use what happened as a learning experience. You can look at the lapse as an opportunity to collect important information about what triggers you to use behaviors and what you need in the moment to avoid a future lapse. 

3. Be curious.

Judging yourself for having a lapse doesn’t get you anywhere. It makes you feel worse and it keeps you stuck. Instead of feeding the cycle of self-hatred, treat yourself with compassionate curiosity and start asking questions:

What need did you have in the moment that wasn’t being met? Were you feeling lonely? Sad? Depressed? Angry? Hurt? Disappointed? Rejected? Invisible? Inadequate? When you turned to behaviors to cope, what were you really looking for? Did you need to feel safe? Did you need a way to express your feelings? Did you need to feel seen and heard? Did you need a distraction? Comfort? Control? How could you have gotten that need met in a non self-destructive way? And how can you take care of yourself in the future when these triggers come up again?

You don’t have to know the answer to all of these questions right now, but it’s important to start exploring and being curious.

4. Treat yourself like you would a friend.

If you had a friend or loved one who lapsed, you wouldn’t put them down. You wouldn’t call them a failure. You wouldn’t see them as worthless. And you wouldn’t discount all the progress they had made. You would treat them with kindness and compassion. You would give them a hug, remind them of how far they’ve come, and reassure them that just because they had one lapse doesn’t mean they can’t turn things around and get back on track. 

Well, you’re not an exception. You deserve to be treated with the same forgiveness and love you would so willingly give to anyone else who was struggling. So when your self-hating thoughts get loud and tell you that you’re a failure for lapsing, challenge them. And if in the moment it’s difficult to be nice to yourself, think of what you would say to someone you care about and apply those positive counters to your own thoughts. 

5. Reach out.

Don’t isolate and withdraw. It may feel safer, but it only perpetuates the pain you feel and keeps you stuck. In order to get back on track, you have to talk about what happened. You have to be honest with yourself and your support network. You have to give yourself permission to ask for help, use your voice, and make your needs known. Keeping secrets keeps us sick. If we want to heal, we have to break the silence. 

6. Get extra support.

If you’re struggling, you deserve to ask for help. Denying yourself extra support when things start going down hill isn’t noble or self-sacrificing. It’s self-destruction, and it’s a sure-fire way to put yourself at risk for another lapse. There is nothing shameful about asking for more help. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you a disappointment. And it doesn’t make you a burden. It makes you someone with the courage to be honest and the strength to make recovery a priority. It makes you determined and admirable and brave. It’s self-care and in order to get back on track and heal, it’s imperative. 

7. Focus on progress, not perfection. 

One lapse does NOT discount all of the days you went without using behaviors. It doesn’t make you weak or incapable or inadequate. It doesn’t make you a failure or erase your progress, and it definitely doesn’t mean you can’t get better. All a lapse means is that you were hurting so deeply and didn’t know how else to cope. It was a bad decision, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. The lapse was just a bump in your road to recovery, but it doesn’t mean you have to start all over. You’re just continuing your journey right where you left off. So don’t give up. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then, breathe, be patient, and trust that as long as you keep pushing forward, reaching out for help, and picking yourself back up, no matter how many times you lapse, you can and will recover.

[deathbycupcakes]

Maybe it’s brave to quit your job to go paint in Peru for a year, but it’s also brave to work two jobs to help pay for your mom’s medical bills. It’s smart to stay at the law firm until your loans are paid off. It’s OK to only tolerate your job but love your hobbies, because as soon as passions are turned into careers, you risk turning love into work. So you don’t love your job — who gives a shit? Are you happy with yourself? Are you happy with the way you treat people? Are you happy with your life?

Sometimes It’s Okay to Not Follow Your Dreams

[nevver]

Wanna have control

[et--cetera]

Good conversation is not a matter of mutuality of interests or class concerns or commonly held ideals, it’s a matter of temperament: the thing that makes someone respond instinctively with an appreciative “I know what you mean” rather than the argumentative “Whaddaya mean by that?” In the presence of shared temperament, conversation almost never loses its free, unguarded flow; in its absence, one is always walking on eggshells.

Vivian Gornick, The Odd Woman and the City

[kushandwizdom]

You can meet somebody tomorrow who has better intentions for you then someone you’ve known forever. Time means nothing, character does.

http://twitter.com/goodquoteco

[mymalawach]

I think about this tweet every day I can’t wait to get there someday, if I ever do, but I can hope and maybe that’s enough fuel!

[jonnoxvxrevanche]

this is true in every sense of the word

[advicefromsurvivors]

Being abused can seriously affect your ability to distinguish between “not obviously pleased” and “obviously displeased” because abusers go from Neutral to Hostile for absolutely no discernible reason, and eventually you start worrying that everyone is going to be like that and you start feeling this urge to make absolutely sure that the people you actually care about aren’t mad or upset, because to you, “there’s no evidence that they’re not angry” is the same as “there’s evidence that they are angry”

[solitarelee]

I have never heard this put into words before but it explains so much. Even as a kid I was constantly scared my mom was mad just when she was making a neutral expression cause she could go from 0 to 60 with no other warning. 

[ancient-string]

Omg I didn’t realise. I do this. I’m constantly checking that people are ok and not mad.

Because that’s what my dad did. 0-rage monster in a second.

[anguisettesnakedtruth]

Hyper vigilance over other people’s emotional state because of previous / repeated / continuous exposure to volatile people is seriously just…the most exhausting, fucked up, draining, relationship-fucking, driving-yourself-mad thing and it is so rarely explained well or talked about at all and I’m SO GLAD this post is going around.  If someone is even slightly less than being 100% positive/happy/approving of me I pick up on it right away, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with me, and I fret and stress and am on edge. Which is so unfair because other people are allowed to have feelings and they’re allowed to express those feelings and it’s almost never about me anyway.  And then trying to explain that you expect them to be volatile assholes when they’ve never shown any evidence of being that way, and trying to say that it’s not personal, is almost impossible. Because it’s always taken personally and how can they not, really? 

[gwschoolhiatus-deactivated20161]

I wonder what the discourse looks like to people who don’t have this

[audreynical2]

The fucked up thing is that at least at the beginning this hypervigilence helped me at jobs.

I quickly became attuned to the moods of bosses and learned to anticipate their needs and did more/extra to keep them happy. They loved it. But sooner or later they’d learn they could take advantage of me because of it.

[ummzaksbest-deactivated20210928]

Even though I’ve never lifted a hand to my child, I find myself explaining my feelings a LOT, because I never want my child to think, “I’ve done wrong and I don’t know what or how to fix it.” In the top ten most frequent expressions around here, “I’m not angry at you, I’m just tired/worried/in pain/concentrating/in dire need of coffee” has a regular spot. 

[audreynical2]

^^^that’s awesome! A lot of parents treat kids as if they don’t deserve an explanation or apology which is very confusing when the kids are still learning to articulate emotions.

[uristmcdorf]

I have some friends who tend to be overly-quick to apologise for things that aren’t their fault, or to need to check in that things are cool. I dunno their past, and it’s not my business unless they want it to be. But I try to make a habit of being extra-clear about my happiness and appreciation of them. I don’t really know if I’m doing it right, though. Anyone able to point me towards any resources for helping make people with these sort of issues feel more comfortable and less worried? It takes all of a second to say something reassuring and I try to be mindful for people in other circumstances when I know something is particularly important to them. (I mean, I really appreciate it when people anticipate and do low-key things to ease my anxiety, or speak to me plainly and without pretense to help with my occasional social-skills issues, so it’s only fair to do the same in return)

[advicefromsurvivors]

Hi there. I’m the originator of this post, and I’d say you’re on the right track. I’d suggest a few things, though.

If you’re in a neutral mood, make it clear that you’re not angry, upset, or unhappy; you’re merely feeling sort of “whatever” and that has nothing to do with your friend.

If you’re tired, busy, or otherwise in a situation that will leave you giving short answers, explain it. “Sorry I’m giving such short answers, it’s been a long day and I’m pretty tired,” or “Sorry I’ve been giving you one-word replies. I’ve been working on a project today and that’s kept me really occupied.”

If you’re upset about something else and you’re comfortable sharing it, it could help. “I’m probably coming across as a little angry today. I got to my car and there was a parking ticket on it, and I’ve just been frustrated all day.”

If you and your friend(s) are close enough for it not to be awkward, you could just say something outright. “I’ve noticed that you apologize a lot and that you check in often to make sure I’m not upset. If there’s something I could do to help alleviate that worry or make you more comfortable, you can tell me.”

[onlytwitterpics]