let's end the stigma surrounding schizophrenia

This blog was created to provide information and support to those who have schizophrenia and to their loved ones

[integrationdisorder-blog]

I am not online much these days. Or offline really. Just sort of trying. I'm having all kinds of problems because I can't gain weight and 85lbs/39kg isn't exactly healthy. Not at all. But it's hard to eat and all meat tastes either like blood or ashes. It's too complex and I don't know what causes what anymore. The bruises keep appearing and don't heal. My mind has its own mind. I am exhausted and need at least two lifetimes to rest.

[depresseddisneyprincess]

here’s to those who didn’t make it to 2017 and here’s to those who didn’t think they’d make it to 2017

[authoritingg-deactivated2016021]

Neurodivergent/disabled people do things when they’re alone that they don’t do in front of other people.

When someone says they have/do certain symptoms/behaviours, do not argue that they don’t, just because you’ve never seen them do it. “You don’t stim,” “I’ve never seen you talking to yourself,” “You don’t get panic attacks; I would’ve noticed,” is ridiculous.

Sometimes we can’t do these things in front of others, because we’d be told to stop; because we’re being thoughtful of/making things easier for other [disabled] people around us; because it’s embarrassing… a lot of reasons. Do not think a neurodivergent person’s behaviour comes down to what they display in front of you, is what I’m trying to say.

(And that’s without mentioning internal distress and damaging/difficult thought processes that we don’t always react to (cry, discuss, self-harm), even when alone.)

[kdfkldlkfdlkf]

Everyone’s Abuse Is Valid Except For Mine: a novel by me

Everyone’s Mental Illnesses And Hangups Are Valid Except For Mine: the sequel

[snowdrop-yoongi]

Everyone’s Chronic Illnesses and/or Other Physical Disabilities Are Valid Except For Mine: the spinoff

[schizoidprince]

tfw paranoia hits it hits Hard, go big or go home

[integrationdisorder-blog]

someone: tries to make friends with me

me: okay......what are you Planning

[dependent-boy]

to anyone enduring a depressive episode: it’s ok. you’re not being lazy or selfish. your productivity doesn’t define or devalue you. you’re coping. you’re doing the best you can, and that’s ok!

[integrationdisorder-blog]

I have paranoid schizophrenia but I am not sure what catatonic schizophrenia is like or if I have even experienced it. Could you describe it or signal boost this so I can know what is meant by this?

Well it’s generally considered that schizophrenia can not only be paranoid (most likely) but also catatonic, disorganised etc. but I believe the distinction is removed now, because there’s little to differentiate. Catatonia is a state you get into during or before or after an episode, which basically a very strong dissociation. For me it’s like this - I stop moving, I stare into nothingness, don’t talk, can’t react to anything happening around me, can’t be shaken off from this state even by force. It’s like sudden paralisys of the brain, and body to a certain extent. You get lost in your unconscious state or somewhere like that, and feel nothing, see nothing, do nothing. This can last from a couple of minutes to a few days. I remember even being slapped on the face hard, and I still didn’t get out of the catatonic state. It happens on it’s own, usually, and then what happens next is different for everyone. Some people go to sleep and sleep for 12-14 hours in one go or more, some get hysterical and cry, more like sob and wail hopelessly for hours and hours, some get angry and destructive.

When this happens to me, I know the end of my remission is very near.

[stimb0y]

hi does anyone happen to know a fair bit about both psychotic depression and schizophrenia occurring alongside depression? specifically what the main differences are between the two? because if so could you possibly let me know please, i’m trying to work out what my psychosis is part of (and failing).

(eg are the differences about the level of insight? about the presence of thought disorder and negative symptoms? about the extent of the depression??)

[integrationdisorder-blog]

One of the doctors who tried to treat me once said this: "We can't actually tell sometimes, because psychotic depression and actual schizophrenia are so similar." As I understand it from my own experience, schizophrenia always comes with depression as a negative symptom. Sometimes it's just more prominent. I have some ideas as to what to do if you feel a sudden or even gradual rising of depression while being schizophrenic, but those are my own theories. Let me know if you would like to discuss this further.

[suixidechic]

I went catatonic earlier today. I can only describe it as my thoughts just racing one after the other and I’m not actually in my body during that time. I start to feel like I am not completely there, I guess.

I cried for maybe ten minutes after. I couldn’t seem to stay grounded. I find it harder and harder for me to understand if what I am experiencing in the moment is real.

[integrationdisorder-blog]

I'm with you. My catatonic states are like this, but usually end up in seizures, but the crying is also inevitable.

[integrationdisorder-blog]

So what is they don't love you. So what if no one cares enough. So what if the world is completely blind to your suffering. 

I know, I see, I understand. I care so much it's unbearable. I love you. I love you so much it makes me weep. You are so strong, so strong. You are fighting till your last breath and no one even knows. Every single day you are alive brings me such joy, I am so happy you are here, you are still with me, you are still refusing to give up. I am so proud of you. I know how much it hurts and how much you cry and how physically you feel like your body isn't alive anymore. 

I know how alone you are, and how there is nothing you can do about it. This is your cross to bear. No matter what other people tell you, no matter how much pain they bring with them, no matter the cruelty and ignorance and constant dismissal. Do not give up, listen to me, do not let yourself become another example of how easy it is to break us. We are not like the rest. But we have dignity. I wish to die honourably, knowing I fought bravely. My life is the only thing I have, I won't let myself take that away from me. Do not give up hope. Many people will come into your life fascinated by you, only to be disillusioned later, after they realise you're not "misunderstood" and "hiding", but actually just very sick. Some will feel cheated and leave you, but some will stay, not because they understand, but because they want to. 

Don't beat yourself up, dearest. What happened to you, what is still happening to you, it does not mean this is who you are as a person now. This is in no way your fault. It is nothing to be ashamed of. 

I know, most of the time it's hard to do anything at all, apart from trying to sleep the pain away. But every time you say "this has failed me. this didn't work out. I'll try something else tomorrow, I'll think of another way," - this is what's most important.

I feel so weak. I'm holding up, but I'm so exhausted. I thought I just needed a good night's sleep, but it's more than that. 

Stay together, keep each other safe. We keep fighting.

[integrationdisorder-blog]

This too shall pass.

I had a dream today. Dark clouds hovering, and in the distance black smoke rising, no promise of a clear blue morning sky. I tried to warn everyone, and even though we didn't speak the same language, they understood. These were the last of our days, meaning I would die, far away from home. The ocean turned upside down, and we walked on this new ground, covered with moss. I said I'll go. I wanted to see how far this new ground stretches and where I would end up if I just kept walking.

This too shall pass. In the end, all we really have is ourselves, and if we lose our lives, there would be nothing else left to lose, at least. Keep each other safe, my dear friends, give away. All that matters is not how much you struggle and suffer, but how little others do, because they have your shoulder to lean on, when it's cold and dark. Keep on going. Even if there is little hope. I refuse to give in, because you keep fighting. Do not give up, I am still alive, and I walk with you.

[spookysagsaysyallsnitches-deact]

I’m gonna be a schizophrenic stripper 

[boyswithdaggers-blog1]

same

[integrationdisorder-blog]

I've been a schizophrenic stripper

[integrationdisorder-blog]

Really, what to do if you've been diagnosed with schizophrenia, which aspects cover anxiety and depression and depersonalisation and some ocd and ptsd, AND with epilepsy? I had two EEG's done and both times had seizures. So it turns out my intense panic attacks are not in fact panic attacks but epileptic seizures? Or just some of them? The doctors are not sure what to tell me apart from "I'm sorry, this is such bad luck". I would spit in my own face because no one can have so much wrong with their head, but here I am. I still don't go outside unless absolutely necessary and I almost don't  talk because there's no need. I dream of living a life, but I wake up and feel just... I cannot explain, my psychotic friends will probably understand though. And the seizures, when one happens its so bad, so bad, all you can do is wait for it to pass or inject the medicine that lets me breath but worsens my psychosis. I have no control over my own life, most days I can't get out of bed, I don't know what is worse - living out there and feeling it all, feeling your head going in circles, being unsafe and alone, or stay here where its safe and warm and someone is helping, but I can't do anything anymore, I don't want to hurt him by telling how I feel trapped but have nowhere else to go and he's a good person but i don't feel a thing while I'm here. 

How's everyone? Continue with your messages, don't be afraid. I know no one understands, and they won't. 

[integrationdisorder-blog]

Getting up ridiculously early tomorrow to go to the doctors again, all tests done. And like, the results could be from everything's slightly not okay to SHIT! call the surgeon asap!!, I've no idea. I gotta calm down which of course isn't happening. will I live??? at least I'll get french fries

[integrationdisorder-blog]

The biggest problem right now is food. I haven’t had a hot meal in weeks, I can’t cook now and I’m bedbound most of the time and no one can cook for me. I wish there was some sort of program available for disabled people like Meals on Wheels, but I live in a place where no one fucking cares unless you can pay for it. My only option would be ordering food from a restaurant but we can’t afford that, especially not now, the amounts of money we spend for medical bills is just incomprehensible. And that’s just the start. I am almost done with the additional tests and none of them turned out fine. It’s like wherever they look it’s not okay. Every single time I pick up the results I hear “you need to see a doctor as soon as possible”. My thyroid isnt working properly, I’m apparently this close to epilepsy, and I have a couple of cysts in my brain which could be tumours and no idea how or when I got them. Everyday I think “this is fine”. And my whole body just, every cell, is screaming at me to just kill myself right now because that’s the only way and I ignore it like its nothing. I had a seizure during EEG yesterday and almost fainted and then cried on a bench afterwards. What if I need an operation? We don’t have money for it. My dad says “there must be some kind of program” but I know there isn’t and no one cares enough about me to bother with gofundme or anything like that. I wish I could have a hot meal right now.

[integrationdisorder-blog]

but idk. Maybe they're good doctors but they're still problematic as hell to me. Like when she told me “some depressions are so bad that youd rather had schizophrenia” didn't I tell you like ten minutes ago that most of my symptoms are basically really severe depression and ON TOP of that I also have fullblown psychotic symptoms? I don't know if they do it on purpose or not, maybe to see how I'll react? But why downplay everything I say? He said “why are you agreeing to everything I say” meaning he named some pretty general shit like “does it feel hard to concentrate” or “do you often feel like you have no motivation to do anything” I mean, is it REALLY that weird that I say I get all that? I don't know, back when I was there I kind of felt like they are just testing me or something, but really it felt more of a condescending “well its not that bad is it” kind of thing. I feel like they think I simulate, why the fuck would I do this? Who benefits from it? Last time I checked no one really cared about my health or gave me any additional care or attention because of it, surely if I were simulating I'd realise by sixth year of this that this doesn't work in any way of bringing me attention or validation? I feel like they don't believe a word I say. Like I'm just a bored young woman who wants to be special and not have to work. Well guess what, I already can't work, can't study, can't leave the house, and I seem to be getting trouble now with eating as well because everythings spoiled and rotten and poisoned and I can't shake off this feeling that everything is not okay. It's not okay. Im this close now to throwing up after meals, why does it keep happening to me? Why am I slowly becoming a shadow of a person, when will this end? When Im in bed and nonresponsive? fuck you. I'm tired of being treated like a hopeless case or a fraud. I hope there's something on the MRI, I hope I don't get to hear “but you look normal to me” from a fucking doctor again. how can they be like this? I can't let anyone inside my head to see for themselves. I don't know. I don't know anymore.