Papillon

Jack 🌟Trans athlete-in-training🌟He/him/his or they/them/theirs🌟19 🌟Pre-hrt 🌟Pre-op

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well, thanks to an appendectomy i have to take the rest of the wrestling season off so i can heal properly.

great

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got my UNH wrestling sweatshirt!

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in other news I got to meet Christian and he liked my leggings

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so I havent gone to practice in a while because of wisdom tooth extraction pain, and I do want to go back tomorrow, but for some reason my brain is telling me not to go

this semester has been full of illnesses, minor injuries, major depression, and on top of that, every tournament I go to I have to deal with refs saying offhanded stuff about womens wrestling to me

its so exhausting and I just dont have the energy to deal with all of it

I want to talk to my coach about it but I dont want him thinking that Im weak or that I dont care or that Im just giving up

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So I lost both my matches today, and after the first one the ref suggested I try freestyle wrestling in the womens division in the spring.

How about no

Im in the mens division for a reason

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tomorrow is my second meet, gotta remember to SPRAWL this time SPRAWL

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getting out of the swing of things is probably the worst thing you can do in terms of sports; the more you put it off, the less you want to do it, and the less you want to do it, the more you put it off. it's been over 2 weeks since the last time I went to wrestling, and I feel so demotivated - and I can only partially blame the ovarian cyst thing. sure, my hip has been bugging me, but its nothing I can't manage.

it's rough to be involved in a sport that takes so much out of you every practice, only for you to feel like you gained nothing out of it when you get your ass handed to you in the first minute of every match. it's frustrating. everyone tells me it will get easier but if I can't gather the mental energy to get back into practicing every week then it won't ever get easier. I know that.

getting motivated feels impossible lately and I need to reflect on what I want to get out of this experience and look to the future and know that the hard work will feel good in the end.

anyways here's my face.

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I havent been to wrestling practice in like a week and a half and I feel really guilty about it, but first my ovary puts me in the hospital and now my hip is bugging me and Im really paranoid that Im going to make it worse if I go; can my body please just give me a break and be normal so that I can participate and not feel like an asshole for skipping 5 practices in a row THANKS

pic unrelated (my hair is getting kinda long)

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I had to give myself the week off from wrestling cuz I ended up in the hospital from an ovarian cyst bursting on Tuesday Of all the ailments that could happen to me it had to be one that made me very dysphoric and required an internal ultrasound Anyways story time: When I first met the doctor who was going to be helping me out, she saw my shirt and made a joke about me coming from wrestling practice, and when I told her I hadnt wrestled since Saturday, she told me "I didnt know they let girls wrestle" How do you respond to that?? Girls have been wrestling for years and I'm not even wrestling in the girls division. What. Anyways heres a picture of a bruise on my arm that I didnt realize was there until the doctor pointed it out lol

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this weekend during the competition i had to go up to the ref and get my hand raised cuz i won by forfeit and he jokingly said he was going to wrestle me, to which my response was something along the lines of "bring it on"

and he looked at my coach and said "oh man im not wrestling her, shes way too eager, she must be tough"

im wrestling in the mens division and i still get called she. what the fuck.

i went through the hassle of binding with kt tape for nothing i guess

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results of my first wrestling competition:

lost 3 (really badly)

won 2 by forfeit

it was overall pretty pathetic lol

nowhere to go but up! 😅

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today i learned

mens locker rooms dont have stalls for the showers in a lot of places

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i gotta stop posting stuff to the wrong blog lol

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i tried to post this before but tumblr was malfunctioning (lol whats new) so let's try this again todays practice was brutal, after not going for a week and feeling under the weather from forgetting to take my meds yesterday - and on top of that, people were using she/her pronouns the whole time so that was rough but i got through it, and im proud of myself for not giving up and sitting out even when i really wanted to. having a teammate pull you up off the mat when you dont think you can stand is nice. my first competition is this saturday and i gotta learn as much as i can before then, even if im sore and only half-conscious the whole time my goal is to not get pinned during the first period of my match(es) ✌💪

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so I was feeling really down for the first half of the competition today but seeing everyone compete and push through really motivated me to work hard this week so that I can compete next weekend (and hopefully not get my ass handed to me immediately) (lol yeah right im gonna get creamed)

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bleacher conversations have me really feeling like I dont belong here..

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how i feel right now

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so I haven't been able to to to wrestling for a week or so due to a stupid virus going around campus that gives you blisters on your hands and feet, which means I won't be able to compete in the tournament in Mass this weekend. yay.