Uncontrolled Thoughts

A place for my words and feelings Wayne | Philadelphia | 19

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His Breath Haunts My Room

I said no I said no I said no he didn't listen

he didn't go he didn't go he didn't go I couldn't stop him

Fooling around is not consent if someone says no to moving further

his breath haunts my room I want it gone it will go

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Family Troubles

I worry my mom doesn't know how much I love her

She worries so much that it makes me anxious because she loves me

I forgot to write her on her birthday -- distracted by work

I used to cry every morning on the school bus thinking of the day

the day when she wouldn't be around to help me.

It still makes me cry because I love her so much

But I have to distance myself from the toxic memories in my town.

I don't know how many times I can say "I love you too"

Before I start saying "I love you" and "I'm sorry I'm not there"

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Self-destruction

I make the first incision to the brain Numbing the emotions as I spill hormones on myself splitting neurons into decaying neutrons

My scalpel is made of words pouring out of my frontal lobe slicing through my brain fragmenting my self esteem

The next incision cuts close to the heart I feel my muscles tighten As I swallow the needles sharpened by self-destructive words

To this point my bleeding is internal All that anyone can see Are the winces as my thalamus intercepts the frequencies of pain

My final incision is to the arm Just below my hand I write the words which have cut me into pieces

Hospital forms and newspapers stained red from my hemoglobin but painting my friends and family with tears and questions

But just because you can't see someone's injuries doesn't mean that they don't have them

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My Father's Creation

A puff of smoke fills my lungs it is not mine but my father's and I can't get it out

Misguided wires are guided through my brain they were put there by my father but I can't rewire them I have tangled them and pulled some out

A hot flame burns behind my eyes it was lit by my father but I can't blow it out as it is fueled by small cracks on the sidewalk ahead

A guilt grows in my heart it was created by my father but my vena cava holds it in place and fills it with the deoxygenated blood he gave me

But as I tear into the organ which beats inside me it let's out the guilt a little at a time and a cool, fresh air replaces it

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Christmas-Time Queers

It's Christmas and we are all gathered at my aunt's attempt for a gift-giving party

I can feel the prying eyes the wondering thoughts the calculated words

"How's school?" "What's your major?" "Are you having fun?" "How's the weather?"

In high school before they knew it was different Everything was lighter

"Do you have a girlfriend yet?" "What a bright kid" "Such a sweet boy" "So handsome"

No one asks if I have a boyfriend how things are going in my battle with depression

But these things are not suited for the family dinner Too controversial.

I felt bad for my mother sandwiched between my sister and I We Three Queers

My sister and I Cynics and unsociables in the family not initiating conversation

I can feel the prying eyes the wondering thoughts the calculated words

As they judged us incorrectly. For we are worth more than a negative thought

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Smiles: A Manual on Hiding Pain

We all use happy faces to mask how we feel on the inside where it hurts.

The outsiders don't know how deep the pain cuts into the heart into the arm.

But I'm done with hiding I'm done with faking, I'm peeling off my mask I'm showing the world my bare face

I'm reaching out I'm getting help I'm not "good", I'm not "fine" and I am sure as hell not "tired"

I'm sad, angry, upset; I'm anxious, I'm hurting, I want to hurt myself I want to isolate myself

But I will not I will call everyone I know until I find someone to keep me from doing this.

It has been 132 days since my last self-injury And I've come so far And I've got so far to go

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Panik Attak 2: A PSA/Call for Help

Breathe in 1 2 3 4 5 Breath out

Smell the lavender Smell the roses Slow down Take deep breaths Don't overanalyze it Lie down Close your eyes

This is what they tell me to do But I'm in a classroom I'm walking to work I'm sitting at a restaurant and I start breathing rapidly I start shaking I can't stop

How can I use what I've been taught when I'm surrounded by people People that don't understand this feeling What then? What do I do?

I hope to find the answer to these questions.

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Ex-friends

We were friends Lunch-friends but friends nonetheless

I told you my stories you told me yours and all was good in the world

Then you stopped trying So I stopped trying so we drifted apart

When I needed your help you only made me feel bad "That's a bad habit!" you said

Thanks though, because I really needed to hear that It helped me see more clearly

because you aren't busy anymore and we still aren't talking

and I'm starting to think now that maybe it's for the best

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Into Darkness

Hollow are my veins as they weep onto the floor into chasms parts of me seep to be seen no more

Warm are my tears as they drip down my face out of my eyes as they burn like mace

Shaky is my voice as I lie on the ground I breathe my last breaths and make a final sound

"Do not be angry with me I just couldn't stay I hope that you forgive me I had to get away"

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A look into an inspiration for my poetry

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Panik Attak: A Narration

I can't breath

help

I need 1. Oxygen 2. Comfort 3. A Hug

Stress builds I need

help

But no one can hear me everyone is busy

I just need you

to be

th- the- ther- there...

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Growing Pains

My mother Her nerves shake as her heart beats She loves and becomes anxious

My father who once never cared laid oil and set flame to the bar on which he now tries to cling

The pain building in my chest I can't go home I won't go home

The pain has built in my chest since I was a child since my parents were children

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Tzzt

Happiness Love Safety Whole Warmth Heard Comforted Held Cuddled Kissed Softly Gently Kindly Smoothly Quietly

The Feelings I Feel With Him Cannot Not Be Described By Any Word Or Words

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Escape

slipping falling crashing calling out for your name why don't you answer

gasping wheezing panicking screaming at the top of my lungs this is what you taught me

climbing stumbling standing reaching for better ways to live you approach from the horizon

walking jumping stomping running away from you here I am free

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memories

memories are the miseries in my brain. there they freeze on a broken stove, kept cold by trauma and misfortune.

but they are warmed by good things things which don't wish to harm; feelings of love, happiness, and joy.

there they thaw and the stove repairs. the heterogenous mixture of emotions seeps to the surface -- boils over.

some will refreeze and others will evaporate. they can become immovable or invisible in the kitchen illuminated by the pilot light

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Wishes

If I could make a wish

and know it wouldn't come true

I would make a wish

that I would never have to see you.

But you know how wishes go

all messed up and awry,

because I'm definitely not asking

for you to disappear or die

I just need to forget

about what made me bleed

To get over you

is all I really need.

But that will take time.

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One Year Later:

I can certainly say that time has passed

From this pain I am healed.