Milton's Satan is everybody's blorbo for good reason but consider well Milton's God, cracking and splitting at the seams, entrapping himself in ever more direful chains of fatal tautology with no higher being to hold him back - so afraid of losing his newest most beloved, after the last one didn't work out so well, that he demands of them a Sign - and what's God doing messing around with such infernal divided things as Symbols? And then, when they inevitably fail the test, because how could Eden maintain itself in a reality imbued with its Creator's broken heart - Riven with grief and anger at this latest loss - why do they all leave me? Why isn't it enough? - he can't see the obvious solution; instead the only loophole in his own Lawbook he can conceive of is to rend himself apart with the the guilt, the pain, cognitive dissonance of it, put himself through the bloody misery of incarnation, pen his eternal self up in a coffin of a body and then torture and kill himself, for all the world to see, to pay the ransom he himself demanded. All this when he could have just said, "I forgive you. I forgive myself."
But no. Justify yourself, prepare your defences, hire a good lawyer. Run run run run run
Milton's Satan is everybody's blorbo for good reason but consider well Milton's God, cracking and splitting at the seams, entrapping himself in ever more direful chains of fatal tautology with no higher being to hold him back - so afraid of losing his newest most beloved, after the last one didn't work out so well, that he demands of them a Sign - and what's God doing messing around with such infernal divided things as Symbols? And then, when they inevitably fail the test, because how could Eden maintain itself in a reality imbued with its Creator's broken heart - Riven with grief and anger at this latest loss - why do they all leave me? Why isn't it enough? - he can't see the obvious solution; instead the only loophole in his own Lawbook he can conceive of is to rend himself apart with the the guilt, the pain, cognitive dissonance of it, put himself through the bloody misery of incarnation, pen his eternal self up in a coffin of a body and then torture and kill himself, for all the world to see, to pay the ransom he himself demanded. All this when he could have just said, "I forgive you. I forgive myself."
But no. Justify yourself, prepare your defences, hire a good lawyer. Run run run run run
So since the fandom has come the the (correct) conclusion that Samwise Gamgee is the absolute height of hobbit attractiveness standards, it only follows logically that hobbits see Sam working for Frodo as the middle earth equivalent of your weird eccentric rich neighbor having a hot pool boy. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
sad that In My Condition i will have to watch TVL sober and not go on the traditional celebratory bender as per tradition. praying it is doubly insane to compensate.
puzzlejune is so sos os so so so so important and I'm glad you're bringing the boys that we so desperately need but can I humbly ask. for 1 rival. 1 rival just one.theydont even need to love each other just 1 . 1 in the same frame please i'm begging you
When I am writing again and I need to find better language to describe Homestuck's sleight of hand, the essay that coined literary defamiliarization seems like it'd be a good place to start:
In studying poetic speech in its phonetic and lexical structure as well as in its characteristic distribution of words and in the characteristic thought structures compounded from the words, we find everywhere the artistic trademark – that is, we find material obviously created to remove the automatism of perception; the author's purpose is to create the vision which results from that deautomatized perception. A work is created "artistically" so that its perception is impeded and the greatest possible effect is produced through the slowness of the perception.
You could also play around with defamiliarization = alienation as the one of the functions through which the narrative unfolds. From the familiar-or-maybe-not setting of the beta kids' homes in Acts 1-5 to the incursion of a literal race of aliens to the dawning realisation that the universe of the story is stranger and more self-abstracted than we could possibly have guessed, to the revelation of an infinite recursion principle at the root of all things (which will never stop being played for laughs, of course). Homestuck operates on a logarithmic series of levels through which it steers the audience at accelerating speed; a process of exponential defamiliarization. Just as we start to get the hang of the first level, the rug is ripped from under us and we get transported into the next plane of metatextual gameplay; we are barely given enough time to get the hang of the new level before we are spirited away into the next, and the next, and so on until the story collapses into asymptotic indiscernability.
Something im not sure I’ve seen people mention before (I’d be curious if other ppl with ADHD or who just do stimulants for fun notice this) is that Elvanse makes me a lot more *patient*? Less irritated by minor delays or waits, less irritable in general too. I guess some of this is improved focus? It’s easier to deal with boredom. But it also seems to help with like overcoming the activation energy of basic tasks, which both helps with getting stuff done I would otherwise put off (esp if it’s boring) but also ends up helping with random stuff I find effortful like putting stuff in my Google calendar and speaking German. The drug that makes you better at languages is a handy invention!
Hmm, I've noticed it seems to reduce social anxiety, but I'm still not sure if that's the drug or just a generalised improvement in my mental state.
I've also noticed patience is easier when you allow yourself to get fully absorbed ...fully absorbed by the scenario, I suppose, though a specific task can be the scenario. - If your mind is constantly trying to detatch and find things you could be doing instead, to distract itself from the creaping dreadful boredom that comes whenever stimulation chances to lapse, then of course you will be made impatient by the things that break your flow-
But...
If this... scenario... is all that exists. . .
Then it doesn't matter how long it takes - or what interupts it - or if you have to stand back and watch as it gets briefly hijacked by a random stranger.
I’ve also noticed it helps w social anxiety and mood (less so once you get adjusted to the dosage, but not zero) but the stereotype of the person on stimulant drugs is talking a lot and feeling like a rockstar so I guess that surprised me less.
In my experience the improved patience goes hand in hand with improved mood. My low frustration tolerance feels psychologically driven by my constant baseline resistance to the task at hand. My unmedicated "ADHD brain" (correctly) assesses that the cost/benefit to doing almost any task is not worth the effort in the short-to-medium term - I will not be adequately rewarded for the pain and will net out at a loss. Thus, at baseline, I have to drag my brain through obligations kicking and screaming; so any additional roadblock on top of this has the potential to overwhelm and hits me as an absolute outrage, even if it's just a normal minor thing. Cue rage, emotional disregulation.
When I'm medicated, I'm already receiving the reward when I start the task; I'm being paid upfront, so the cost/benefit analysis is totally different and I don't have that baseline resistance at all. All the capacity and energy usually being burned in wrestling myself to do the task is then freed up to handle unexpected issues without bursting into flames.
This is one aspect of Elvanse that noticeably drops off for me once the initial "peak" fades. Other pillars of good focus remain - alertness, an ability to lock in - but I tend to get a clear drop in mood about 2 hours in and at this point my frustration tolerance does also reduce somewhat. So I think this one for me is very much about my brain behaving best when it is actively chomping on a cookie.
From the diaries of the artist: «It was very difficult to work; I had to cut the brushes, make the bristle short, rub the colors was almost inconceivable. <… > The hand is cracking, it is breaking; the roaring hands refuse to serve. But you draw, all thirsty to put on the canvas these bizarre, gloomy, full of peculiar beauty paintings of the Far North» (source)
in 2015 i started working at taco bell as a 16 year old for the summer so that i could buy a gaming computer so that i could play league of legends at a higher frame rate so that i could get higher than gold. around this time i listened to the song "pink matter" by frank ocean a lot where he says "cotton candy, majin buu" while talking about pink things which are soft like pussy (which is also pink and soft). i didn't know what majin buu was and i had to look at rap genius to determine that. i saw that majin buu was from dragon ball so i spent an entire paycheck on the dragon ball manga up to the android saga. i read it all in one week instead of doing any of the practice i was supposed to be doing for marching band and got in trouble but i kept walking around everywhere going BAPIDABAPIDA BAPIDA but i never finished reading dragon ball because the books a million in the town i was living in ran out of dragon ball so i had to buy other things.
this ended up with me buying a pair of sennheisers off of amazon which i still use & also with me deciding to look at /mu/ all the time even when i was in class on my phone. one day i saw the album art for midori's album "second" and i thought "this is the coolest looking woman of all time" - i then spent all of the next year trying to teach myself japanese so i could try to determine what she was saying in the songs because i thought they were so beautiful and funny and aggro and i would walk around the school fountain in front of my high school and get into arguments with my high school ex about if this made me a weeb or not a weeb - and she was extremely positive i only listened to midori because their first album had tits on the cover even though i was very adamant out loud that that was not the case and i would even honestly say i was more adamant in my head that she was way hotter if anything in the album art for second
regardless i tried to kill myself multiple times when i was 17 and around that time i would walk down the extremely barren sidewalkless highway of north georgia that my neighborhood directly fed out onto when i had walked around the neighborhood i was living in circularly for hours and got tired of seeing the same few things - i would do this after and before school or whenever because one of the conditions of me getting out of the mental hospital was that if i got stressed out i should listen to music and walk around rather than hurt myself - and i would listen to the midori song with a title like "i want to hear but i don't want to listen" on a deafening volume and walk up and down the high way in a gulch while semi trucks and f150s would go barreling down this sidewalkless highway in the hills & i would do that all the time OR i would sit in my room and stare at the ceiling with my phone plugged into a guitar practice amp doing the same thing
when i would sit in my bed on my LAPTOP though i got in the habit of just watching hella live performances of bands like i would watch the entirety of radiohead in lallapalooza or at gingleheim or googooboogoo all day i would watch and regularly did watch, drunk as fuck in the basement of my friends mom's house, every single front bottoms performance that had been recorded and uploaded to youtube, i would watch every band i could watch and when we were in the basement we would talk about all of us learning instruments & going on tour all the time & i was like No matter what i will invent a way to go on tour but i one night remember, on a lark, plugging in the words "midori live performance" into the youtube search bar and finding a video of what appeared to be the last midori live performance and i watched it in complete and total astonishment as i saw the coolest woman of all time climbing up and down amps and hitting herself in the head so hard with a microphone she was bleeding and curled over and shouting so hard it looked like she was going to die - the most insane woman of all time with song titles like "today my boy friend does not exist" where she would say things like "today my boy friend does not exist" (i knew this from reading google translate of the title even though at the time online resources about midori were relatively hard to track down and i dont think i was even able to find lyrics in kana for these songs because "second" was much less popular and was under a different label that "aratememashite hajimemashite midori desu" and i HADNT gone to college to learn japanese in class yet and even if i HAD mariko goto speaks in OSAKA BEN and i didnt even know what that WAS really yet because i didnt have FRIENDS that were into any of this stuff and i didnt watch ANY anime other than GAINAX ones and i didnt go on WEEB FORUMS to read about stuff like that i went on WEEB FORUMS to read about stuff like whether or not the fruit of life and the fruit of knowledge in evangelion were REALLY combining and what that meant for whether or not SHINJI was a PUSSY (he WAS - and IS - AND he should DIE!))
this was the point i decided that i had to go to college and learn japanese because that girl was on stage hitting herself in the head with the microphone so hard she was bleeding & if she was being like that over the songs and i could feel that without understanding what she was even saying then if i could understand what she was saying they might be the most beautiful songs of all time. i of course took japanese and german at the same time because as a 15 year old i probably watched eva 5 dozen times and thought asuka was "very cool" -
eventually my friend started driving me to school because we all started doing early enrollment at a college that was about a 20 minute drive from their house but a 40 minute drive from my house and my mom would drop me off at donut store parking lot 20 minutes from my house so that i could ride the next 20 minutes with my friend and he'd always give me the aux but it would play songs alphabetically from my phone meaning the first thing that would happen every single time i got in the car was the song AI NO UTA by midori would play, and every subsequent car i would get into for the next like 8 years would do this, and it would do it multiple times a day, and it would do it every day, and it would often be extremely loud and annoying, and i developed a habit of immediately shutting off car radios as soon as i got behind the wheel so i could choose my song first, because i fucking loved ai no uta when i was 16 but sort of got pavloved into thinking it was annoying by all of this
anyway when i started going to art school and inventing women i thought were cool to draw one of the things i did was start loading pimple with traits related to thinking dragon ball and midori were dope where as a parody of myself and the way i was acting when i was 16 and after meeting about 30 different animation students at SCAD who all would say stuff like "pool" by tricot would make a really good anime opening! and me always thinking to myself, secretly, "not as good of an anime opening as i thought yukiko-san by midori would make when i was 16 and my entire life was reading dragon ball and getting in arguments with my parents and girlfriend and listening to midori and imagining getting hit by cars" and so i designed a hoodie that i drew pimple wearing in some comics where she screen printed the word "DESTROY" in japanese onto the right sleeve because that's what mariko goto says in that song
but i remember i was like, at the time, as a 21 year old, thinking, "midori is so cool, it's so crazy nobody really knows midori yet still, but when i finish my million dollar web comic IP 'Manifesto' then this will be a very cool easter egg" - anyway midori Now is a band which a lot more information has been translated and exists and i didn't KEEP taking japanese classes because when i was 18 i got so SICK from having to sleep in an UNINSULATED SHACK OUTSIDE OF MY PARENTS HOUSE FOR A YEAR THAT I FAILED ALL OF MY COLLEGE CLASSES AND HAD TO TRANSFER SCHOOLS TO A PRIVATE ART SCHOOL THAT DIDNT HAVE JAPANESE CLASSES AND I THREW UP EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A YEAR BECAUSE I WAS INHALING SO MUCH DUST AND NORTH GEORGIA DETRITUS AND SINGING SONGS SO LOUDLY ON MY GUITAR MY THROAT WAS SEMI PERMANENTLY FUCKED UP - culminating of course years later in me on the opposite side of the country, in portland oregon, getting tubes shoved down my throat to find out if i have a "GERD" and how many prilosec generics i need to take in a day which i ended up taking none of ever
i was very convined all of this would matter some day and i would say a lot of this stuff to anybody who i talked to in the course of having conversations with them about our lives and interests and when AI NO UTA by midori would play on my car radio and i had a new passenger i would usually have to say something about how it was the first song that always played in my car and it did start with really loud and annoying drums but they were the coolest band of all time but i also was very convinced none of it would matter and i became instilled with a lot of different, bespoke, fear of "none of this will matter" based drives and ways to make all of this matter and i drove myself insane threading and needling various different references and signifiers of things like "the thing that represents the point in my life where i was trying to kill myself this way" vs "the thing that represents the point in my life where i was no longer trying to kill myself this way" but every time i tried to make stuff, stuff didn't work or if it did work i wasn't sure things mattered or didn't matter regardless,
& when i was 26 i was touring with a band & we were in new york & i was sitting around one morning with the tape label people who organized the tour & i had been driving the tour van & selling the merch & taking pictures & i was extremely exhausted because we had stayed up the entire previous night waiting for someone to drive from new jersey to new york to deliver us drugs & i slept barely at all & one of the people on the tape label - everybody decided after this tape label was SCAMMERS & frankly before we even went on tour i knew this tape label as SCAMMERS but everybody was being nice because they didnt yet believe they were SCAMMERS even though they were SCAMMERS and would go on to be fully recognized as SCAMMERS nobody was allowed to talk about it but they said one morning as we were crowded around an air bnb in new york - i believe it was long beach, new york - and there was a like cafeteria long table inside the air bnb we were sitting on, and the chief scammer of the scammer label said, "next time we all go on tour, in april, we can go to japan, because we've got a tour lined up with this artist, and this artist, and DJ510MARIKO" and he said DJ510MARIKO like she was the least important artist of the 3 artists, but it clicked inside of my head like 10 million explosions, and i said "like, mariko goto?" and the guy said, "huh?" and i said louder, "like, mariko goto?" and he said, "oh yeah i think so" and i was like "like the dj project of mariko goto from midori after she quit midori and was institutionalized and then took a break on and off from making music you're saying we could go on tour with her" and he was like "wow you know a lot about this" and i was like "yeah she's like the coolest woman on earth" and he was like "yeah you could go on tour with her" and then we never went on tour with her and i never finished manifesto the end
A young prince once searched for the true wealth. When he found her, she asked him for what was most precious to him. He gave her his crown, for he wanted to have the true wealth that a king needed to rule a kingdom. More than paths filled with gold or fame.
Upon this, the true wealth saw that his heart and intentions were pure, not driven by greed or selfishness. The true wealth then agreed to lead him for his destiny. She only hoped that he understand the purpose of the journey and that his heart remained true throughout the way.
