Hollanov + not breaking the kiss

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@ireallybelikethathuh
Hollanov + not breaking the kiss
No one set him on fire like Shane Hollander.
i wonder what it’s like for people to wake up feeling content in life. feeling excited for what the day will bring you.
i don’t think i’ve been excited to wake up another day since i was child. an innocent child who didn’t know how to tie her shoes. who didn’t understand the concept of someone killing themselves because life was too hard.
sometimes i think back to the year i turned 21. it wasn’t a good birthday and it wasn’t a good year overall either. i had a plan and i think it was the first time i had ever constructed a plan. for the most part it kept me holding on for the last remaining months of the year. i’d remind myself everyday that coming new year’s eve, i would become just a memory to those around me.
perhaps nobody would care after a few weeks.
new year’s eve came and i did nothing. i woke up and it was the new year.
a new year of feeling the same sadness. the same emptiness. a constant lingering feeling i grew to hate.
how different things could have been. the people i wouldn’t have met. moments i wouldn’t have experienced. but now years later, i think to myself, was it worth it?
how many of my antidepressants do i have to take to stop feeling like i want to die everyday. like i want to carve myself out of this body that has never been able to fix itself no matter how hard i try. or at least i think i am trying. but how much more effort can i put towards something i dont think will ever get better. how much more do i have in me to keep feeling tired. so tired. tired.
i am not religious. but sometimes i think god wasted his time creating me. he wasted my mothers time by having me be born and forcing her to care for me. i grew up with no ambitions. with no energy to become someone she can be proud of. someone she can brag about. instead i am a ghost that haunts her waking moments. i am a nuisance. a pest that she cannot get rid of.
i should have ended my life years ago.
— what happens after we die? do we cease to exist? do we suddenly just stop? if i kill myself will it hurt? will i cease to exist? i am afraid of death, how do i make it stop? stop. i want it to stop.
What was your mother’s name? Irina.
my first love opened a door
that i didn’t know i was allowed to open.
a girl’s smile in my hands,
my own fear beating louder than my heart—
because loving her meant naming myself,
and I was still learning the shape of that word.
i fell fast.
we played house with borrowed futures,
dreams laid out like furniture
we were too young to own.
i thought love was intensity,
thought devotion meant shrinking myself
so she could stand taller.
but love should not feel like a leash.
it should not count your breaths,
or make you apologize for being hurt.
she broke my trust like it was casual,
then taught me to blame the mirror.
when i finally left,
the love curdled into anger—
a necessary fire
to keep me from going back.
my second love grew quietly.
just four years of laughter,
shared songs, inside jokes,
a best friend who felt like home.
i loved her in the way you water something
hoping it might bloom if you’re patient enough.
i gave her my affection piece by piece,
never demanding, only hoping.
when i finally said the words out loud,
they were too heavy for her hands.
now the silence where our friendship lived
aches worse than rejection.
some days i wish i had swallowed the truth,
kept the peace, kept her.
other days, the thought of her
makes me angry.
— 2 a.m. thoughts
I promise I didn't disappear, I just don't have any impulse control and started several at once again haha
txt 'good boy gone bad' mv lockscreens!! please like or reblog if you save it! ⛓️
shout out to all the bitches NOT having gay sex this pride month
IT ISN’T ASKIN’ FOR A LOT FOR AN APOLOGY FOR MAKIN’ ME FEEL LIKE IT’D KILL YOU IF I TRIED TO LEAVE
i still miss you
SCREAMMM
sometimes the idea of the unknown turns you into the greatest coward of them all.
— “why can’t i just let go.”
My nights were filled with thoughts of why wasn’t I good enough for you.
Does god want me to kill myself because that’s the vibe I’ve been getting
I honestly didn’t think I would be alive at my age I thought I would’ve been dead by 20 so I feel so fucking lost I don’t know what to do with my life and I feel like I’m just rotting away most days I’m just so tired I want to give up and end this miserable fucking life