baby, don’t you look so lovely

“the sadness will never end” ace-bisexual | 27 | she/her

[thisfeebleheart]

Hollanov + not breaking the kiss

[thisfeebleheart]

No one set him on fire like Shane Hollander.

[ireallybelikethathuh]

i wonder what it’s like for people to wake up feeling content in life. feeling excited for what the day will bring you.

i don’t think i’ve been excited to wake up another day since i was child. an innocent child who didn’t know how to tie her shoes. who didn’t understand the concept of someone killing themselves because life was too hard.

sometimes i think back to the year i turned 21. it wasn’t a good birthday and it wasn’t a good year overall either. i had a plan and i think it was the first time i had ever constructed a plan. for the most part it kept me holding on for the last remaining months of the year. i’d remind myself everyday that coming new year’s eve, i would become just a memory to those around me.

perhaps nobody would care after a few weeks.

new year’s eve came and i did nothing. i woke up and it was the new year.

a new year of feeling the same sadness. the same emptiness. a constant lingering feeling i grew to hate.

how different things could have been. the people i wouldn’t have met. moments i wouldn’t have experienced. but now years later, i think to myself, was it worth it?

how many of my antidepressants do i have to take to stop feeling like i want to die everyday. like i want to carve myself out of this body that has never been able to fix itself no matter how hard i try. or at least i think i am trying. but how much more effort can i put towards something i dont think will ever get better. how much more do i have in me to keep feeling tired. so tired. tired.

i am not religious. but sometimes i think god wasted his time creating me. he wasted my mothers time by having me be born and forcing her to care for me. i grew up with no ambitions. with no energy to become someone she can be proud of. someone she can brag about. instead i am a ghost that haunts her waking moments. i am a nuisance. a pest that she cannot get rid of.

i should have ended my life years ago.

— what happens after we die? do we cease to exist? do we suddenly just stop? if i kill myself will it hurt? will i cease to exist? i am afraid of death, how do i make it stop? stop. i want it to stop.

[stevenrogered]

What was your mother’s name? Irina. 

[ireallybelikethathuh]

my first love opened a door

that i didn’t know i was allowed to open.

a girl’s smile in my hands,

my own fear beating louder than my heart—

because loving her meant naming myself,

and I was still learning the shape of that word.

i fell fast.

we played house with borrowed futures,

dreams laid out like furniture

we were too young to own.

i thought love was intensity,

thought devotion meant shrinking myself

so she could stand taller.

but love should not feel like a leash.

it should not count your breaths,

or make you apologize for being hurt.

she broke my trust like it was casual,

then taught me to blame the mirror.

when i finally left,

the love curdled into anger—

a necessary fire

to keep me from going back.

my second love grew quietly.

just four years of laughter,

shared songs, inside jokes,

a best friend who felt like home.

i loved her in the way you water something

hoping it might bloom if you’re patient enough.

i gave her my affection piece by piece,

never demanding, only hoping.

when i finally said the words out loud,

they were too heavy for her hands.

now the silence where our friendship lived

aches worse than rejection.

some days i wish i had swallowed the truth,

kept the peace, kept her.

other days, the thought of her

makes me angry.

— 2 a.m. thoughts

[oidingus]

I promise I didn't disappear, I just don't have any impulse control and started several at once again haha

[kiwibomb]

txt 'good boy gone bad' mv lockscreens!! please like or reblog if you save it! ⛓️

[watsername]

shout out to all the bitches NOT having gay sex this pride month

[ireallybelikethathuh]

IT ISN’T ASKIN’ FOR A LOT FOR AN APOLOGY FOR MAKIN’ ME FEEL LIKE IT’D KILL YOU IF I TRIED TO LEAVE

[written-on-polaroids]

i still miss you

[louferrignojrofficial]

SCREAMMM

[ireallybelikethathuh]

sometimes the idea of the unknown turns you into the greatest coward of them all.

— “why can’t i just let go.”

[valentina-poem]

[whirlwindofstuff]

[hipsternerd9]

My nights were filled with thoughts of why wasn’t I good enough for you.

[lakrimasx-deactivated20240622]

Does god want me to kill myself because that’s the vibe I’ve been getting

[foxlungz]

I honestly didn’t think I would be alive at my age I thought I would’ve been dead by 20 so I feel so fucking lost I don’t know what to do with my life and I feel like I’m just rotting away most days I’m just so tired I want to give up and end this miserable fucking life