We have all already learned the best way to communicate our feelings: "When you do X it makes me feel Y" when X = an action and Y = a feeling.
That's it, that's the gold standard. Using this technique, you can free yourself from distorted thinking, make useful boundaries, and better understand your relationships.
Confusion arises when people try to plug in judgements and assumptions for X and Y instead of actions and feelings. Most people are not taught to identify their feelings and it becomes very easy to mistake judgements for feelings. Most people also can't help but assign meaning and intent to the actions of others. For example:
"When you ignore me, I feel unloved"
❌️ Ignoring implies intent, and is a judgement about someone's behavior. It means that someone saw your message and made a decision not to respond to it, which is something you can't know. "Unloved" is also not a feeling, it's an assessment of someone else's feelings about you. This sentence is actually saying, "You intentionally ignore my messages because you don't love me." That is not an expression of your feelings that is a judgement about someone else.
"When you didn't respond to me for two days, I felt ignored"
❌️ This includes a clear, observable action by the person you're speaking to, which is good. In our formula, X should be something objective like the actual words someone used, not their tone of voice or perceived intent. However, like "unloved," "ignored" is not a feeling, it is a judgement about someone's intent. This sentence is actually saying, "You ignored me for two days." That's not an expression of your feelings, it's an assumption about someone else's motivations.
"When you didn't respond to me for two days I felt lonely, sad, and disappointed"
✅️ This is where you want to be. When you start using this kind of language to describe your feelings (both to others and in your own head!) you move from a passive to an active role in your emotional space. Describing your feelings with words like unloved, manipulated, ignored, or disrespected puts other people in the active role. Tuning in to the feelings beneath the judgements like angry, hurt, powerless, frustrated, scared, and ashamed can help you see the unmet needs that drive your feelings.
Next time you are about to use this "when you do X, it makes me feel Y" formula, remember to pause and ask yourself if you are making judgements or describing your feelings. It can make a big difference!
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