Our life, our experiences

He is iwantothatswhy-do-over. she is romanticwithdirtymind. A journey into barely charted waters of dominance and submission. Defining and redefining roles in life and the bedroom. After being together for most of our adult lives, we both discovered we wanted the same coin, she on the submissive side, I on the dominant other. Had this revelation come earlier, we might have saved ourselves much heartache and grief along the way. This is us now, older, a bit wiser, and certainly kinkier and far more bold in our sexploration!

[revueofreviews]

Very addicting stuff! Like something illegal for sure but not.

[spicenwolf]

Who Am I?

So I’m having a bit of an identity crisis lately, and reading Devil in the Details, The Art of Mastery, Volume 1 isn’t helping much. @mistressmg recommended the book, and as much as I’m enjoying it, it’s leaving me with as many questions as answers.

I’ve always considered myself to be a submissive, rather than a slave, but I will freely admit that our relationship is a work in progress.  Lately I have felt us heading more and more in the direction of Master and slave.  And then I’ll see a post like the one that hit our dash yesterday; a man warm and comfortable in the bed, with a naked woman curled up on the floor beside him, leash tied to the bed frame. The caption was some rhetoric about the Master’s needs being everything, yada yada yada.

Just fuck no, I thought, and proceeded to tell Wolf as much. There went that theory. I’m no slave, and he’s never made me sleep on the floor!

“Just because I haven’t yet doesn’t mean I won’t, Pet.  Sometimes you just need to remember that it’s my right to choose.”

And instantly, I’m wet, and thinking again that maybe I’m a slave after all.  Here’s my question, though. Is a slave property, or a cherished possession? I think I need to be both.

[dr-and-mrs]

A slave can be both or only one. I, too, don’t seem to know if I fall more into the slave or submissive category. What I do know is that I am cherished more than I am property. And that there are plenty of slave activities that don’t happen in our house because Himself prefers to have me, say, in the bed next to him and not sleeping on the floor or a dog bed. Other things happen where I feel more property than cherished, but they are a small percentage of our activities.

[papistrouble]

I struggle with slave and property. My mind can’t fathom how a cherished possession can be left to sleep on the floor? I am always trying to learn to understand. I know I need to be cherished, even if I am following an order, I don’t know if I could function as property to that extent.

[amysubmits]

Reblogging in hopes that others will take a stab at explaining how they personally differentiate between submissive or slave. I thought I was just “missing something” when it came to understanding the slave label and how it was different from “just” submissive. After seeing comments here I am thinking maybe it’s not just me. Maybe there just isn’t a clearly defined definition? 

[sccwriting]

I don’t know that I think it matters so much what we call ourselves, but it’s an interesting discussion, and a good way to examine your feelings and your relationship.

Thoughts?

[it-works-for-us]

I write from the Dom side of the fence. Our relationship as a couple has traversed 23 years, 17 as husband and wife. Only in the past couple of years with a D/s flair.

The question of property is deep water hiding swift currents. I feel there cannot be a hard and fast definition of "what is slave" anymore than there can be a set in stone definition of a Dominant or a Master. To some, it may be simple semantics, while to others it surely is a critical dividing line. Is someone who considers themself sub rather than slave any less devoted to their Dominant than the slave to his or her Master/Mistress?

I don't think so. I believe we who identify with this lifestyle to what ever level we find ourselves in, are committed to it, are bound by it and by the one we share it with. There is no other way to be fulfilled than through that commitment. Without that devotion we engage in nothing more than kinky sex, no more fulfilling than a one night stand.

I believe it is an intensely personal question which can only be answered individually; very much like religion. And also like religion the answer would also involve how it is practiced and how the dynamic is lived out. How it is put into practice.

Even as I write this I am coming up with compelling arguments to go back and erase and rewrite. I will end with my thoughts on property. Even in vanilla relationships it's in the verbage. "My wife, girlfriend, fiance" and "my husband, boyfriend, etc." We are all someone's possession, in some manner. The difference is in the dynamic of the relationship. Is my wife my possession? Yes, does she view herself as property? No. But she readily agrees that her charms are mine to do with as I please.

There is no black and white but a spectrum of beliefs and behaviors and ideas.

[bliss027]

[kinkyquotes]

[truesubmissiveslave-wants]

Oh I agree …Lets play    ~ x0xo❤💋

[it-works-for-us]

Last night

We were finally getting around to some much needed sexy time, in spite of the teenaged son still wide awake doing homework. After tender kisses turned passionate, gentle touches grew insistent and yes, demanding, she asked softly if she could suck my cock. "Sure....just not yet." She whimpered delicious disappointment which turned to whimpers of divine pleasure as I dove into her succulent pussy. "You know how wet it makes me..." she tried one last time. "You'll be plenty wet when I'm done" I said. Eventually after one smallish orgasms had passed I relented on her second plea and she attacked my flesh with the same fervor as I had feasted on hers. It is good to be us.

[bibliotecaerotica]

[spicenwolf]

Feminism and submission.  Have there ever been two states of being more apparently incompatible?

All my life I’ve stood on my own two feet. I don’t pretend that I’m the same as a man, but what I lack in physical strength, I more than make up for with ingenuity. I’ve told Wolf more than once that if God had intended me to change a flat tire, he wouldn’t have given me boobs. That doesn’t make me inferior. Just smart enough to use what I have, to keep me from doing something I’d rather not.

Want to piss me off? Imply that there is anything in this world I can’t do because of my gender. Tell me that someone is better, or smarter. Dare me to do something you think I can’t. Even now, after years of being a happy submissive, I still get pissed off when I see posts about Dominants helping their subs achieve goals.  WTF - condescend much?

Then I do a quick reality check, and hear myself blissfully answering “yes Sir” and “no Sir”. I’m chastised for interrupting, ask for limits to be set, and still get a tingle between my legs when he reminds me that I’ve surrendered the right to choose. WTF, indeed.

So how do I justify this apparent weakness of character in myself? How can I call myself independent when I have to ask for permission to use my own phone? Simple. I waited for the right Dominant.

Infatuation fools us all in the beginning, but no matter how impressive a Dominant might be at first, after time I begin to question. To realize that I’m smarter, and make better decisions. Respect and trust are essential in any D/s relationship, and if am afraid to follow blindly, it just doesn’t work for me. Maybe that’s why it took me so long to find The One.

I’m smart. Wolf is smarter. Most people would say I’m stubborn, but compared to him, I’m Silly Putty. He’s a perfectionist, demanding, and eerily empathetic. Inside my head so far that I couldn’t hide anything from him if I tried. One minute he’s using me selfishly, for his own pleasure. The next he’s holding me in his arms, and telling me that I’ve transformed his life. Talk about your dichotomies!

I guess that’s the secret to reconciling feminism with submission. Be confident in your ability to drive the car, and then turn over the keys to the Dominant you trust to handle it even better than you do.

[submissivefeminist]

Please destroy the myth that not safewording makes you a stronger person.

This myth is not only illogical but puts our community in danger.

Even strong submissives have limits.

Even strong Dominants have limits.

Strong people can still say no.

Needing to stop does not make you weak.

Stop making BDSM into a competition of endurance.

You don’t owe anyone anything.

xx SF

[thegoatbusters-deactivated20171]

I want the cliche kisses in photo booths. And the candid photos of me when I’m not looking. I want the week long road trips with the widows down and my feet up on the dash. I want hands clenched tight when we’re intimate. I want shared showers the morning after. I want breakfast in nothing but oversized t-shirts. I want tv show marathons with extra buttery popcorn and makeout breaks during commercials. I want “I love you"s and “you’re beautiful"s and my name blended in curse words while you moan. I want time and promise and happiness and intimacy.

[onelostdarkangel]

This 😍

[lexiesdarkthoughts]

Serving From The Heart

When it comes to D/s, Ahab and I are struggling a lot in our relationship.  I know everyone thinks it’s all supposed to be rainbows and bound, fluffy unicorns, but it’s not.  It is especially hard when one person in the relationship is more in tune with their ‘side’ than the other.  I’m more in tune with who I am as a submissive than Ahab is as a dominant.  I’ve been practicing BDSM much longer than he has. He’s never been in a relationship that’s allowed him to be as open as he is able to be with me.  Together we are finding our way and are ever so slowly working through the roadblocks in our D/s relationship.  

It’s been a hard struggle for me because while we’ve been working through issues, I haven’t been very inclined to kneel before him.  That part of me feels abandoned and broken.  It’s hard for me to be sexually submissive when the other pieces of the relationship are struggling.  As we are working to a place where we can align our expectations, I’m working to find other ways to tune in to my need to serve and take care of Ahab.  

I had the perfect opportunity a few days ago.  Ahab was heading out of town and was going to be on the road for many, many hours.  We had also just returned the day before from camping with some friends, so I knew he was still exhausted from all the packing and unpacking and packing again.  While he finished packing, I was busy making him a care package.  

I had already asked him if he would like me to make some sandwiches for him.  He asked for an apple and also asked if I would cut it into slices so it was easier to eat.  So I did that for him.  What he didn’t expect was the two oranges that I peeled for him as well as a whole bag of assorted snacks of things I know he likes.  I took time to make some French pressed some coffee and fill his travel mug.  When I placed everything next to Ahab’s bag and told him what was in it, he just looked at me with an surprised but happy look and only said, “I love you.”  That was all I needed to feel complete in that moment.

Even though we are having problems where D/s is concerned, I’m still submissive.  More importantly, I love him.  I want to do things that take care of him and ensure he doesn’t have to worry about things.  I knew he would be taken care of while on the road and would only need to stop for gas and bathroom breaks.  He could drive as long as he wanted without stopping for food or drink.  I knew that meant he could get to his destination sooner and I would know he was safe.

I don’t have to kneel at his feet to be his submissive.  I can serve him in my own ways as we work toward a new place in our D/s relationship. I think that’s one of the beautiful things about being in a relationship whether vanilla or kink.  People can find their own ways to show their love and kindness to their partner but also meet needs of their own.  You can serve without kneeling as long as you serve from your heart.

[asubmissiveview]

This is what relationships are about, even in D/s. It’s not always kneelings and spankings and Yes, Sirs.

[it-works-for-us]

Over the past year or two, my wife and I have been reigniting, redefining, exploring anew and essentially overhauling our relationship. A relationship that started in 1993, includes one divorce and two near-miss divorces. Yes, all those things between her and myself. All conflict has two sides, but I readily admit most of the problems were of my own creation.

What is truly making it work for us now is D/s. It took me a long time, and a lot of growing up, to realize that many of the things she did were in the spirit of serving me. Something I didn't see at first cause my immature attitude and mindset was all about the whips and rope and do as I say. We have those things now and they are fantastic. But more importantly we also have the little things which also comprise D/s which make getting around to the rope and crop and sharp spanks all the more delicious.

We both have issues and stumbling blocks. We both have our own view on what it all means, but there is magic where the views overlap. That overlap is growing all the time as we hurdle those stumbling blocks and keep moving deeper and farther into what excites and moves us as a partnership in life and love.

[sweet-or-unsweet-deactivated201]

I don't care

I’m glad @thedominantprompts put up this one because it wasn’t that long ago, @consort-of-the-queen and I had a conversation where we talked about this same subject. What I’m about to say may very well bring some hate mail but who cares.

In our (Kitten and I, not I and consort) relationship and our dynamic, the decisions are shared. *gasp 😱 I know what you’re thinking, “No dominant allows their submissive to make decisions. Those that do are not dominant!” What-the-fuck-ever.

I know there are many dynamics where the Dominant makes many if not all the decisions, right on down to what the submissive wears or eats. That may work for them. They may get off on having that sort of authority. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it, it’s just not for me.

I will often ask Kitten what she thinks or what she believes is the best choice, I value her opinion not just as my submissive but as my wife and friend. I reserve the right to have the final say on all matters. But I for one do not need to be in complete control of every choice that is made in order to demonstrate my authority. There are times when faced with a decision, if either outcome has little to no effect on me personally, I will let her choose.

For example, when Kitten asks me, “What are you hungry for?” Now, if I want something specific I will say, “I want steak and mashed potatoes” because that’s want I want and anything else would not be as satisfying. However, if I just want food and any food will do, then I will say, “whatever sounds good to you” because it doesn’t matter to me what I eat so long as my stomach is full. She can pick a meal that satisfies her hunger and because she is happy, I am happy.

After working all day and deciding who does what, when and for how long, the last thing I want to do when walking into the door at home is make more decisions. I want to turn my brain off for a little while and unwind. This way, I can recharge and clear my head so that I can prepare myself for later activities such as rope bondage or assigning tasks and in those special occasions, planning scenes. Typically, what we eat for dinner is the least of my concerns at that time. Just handle it.

The other reason I will defer such things is to see if Kitten is really paying attention. Is she learning how to make decisions in the best ways possible? Has she learned what I like and don’t like? In other words, does she know me as well as I know her? It is my opinion that a submissive should know certain aspects without having to ask or be told and should just do because that’s being of superb service. My greatest employee is not the one that just does what is told, but does without having to be told. A submissive serving their Dominant is no different. Not only should she know what the decision should be but how it was made.

I often explain my thought process as to why I make certain decisions. In today’s day, most don’t want to know how, just know what. The problem is since they don’t know how to make a choice because they’ve always had decisions made for them, they become stupid. Critical thinking is a thing of the past. Then again, so is common sense but that’s a whole other issue. Today’s modern technology the answer is always at your finger tips…as long as your battery doesn’t die. As the old saying goes “Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.” One of my many roles as a Dominant is to teach. They’re may come a time where I cannot be there to make a decision. I believe it should be my goal to prepare her for such a time, so that she can make those decisions as if I was.

I will make many decisions in our dynamic. I decide the punishments for misbehavior or incompleted assignments. I will decide when she has had enough pleasure. I will choose when I want, how I want, where I want. Sometimes, though, it really doesn’t matter to me. “Should I use ropes or cuffs to restrain you tonight?” If I want something a certain way, I will express that. If not, then she has the chance to make that decision and I will support her decision, assuming it does not cause an adverse reaction. Deciding we are not paying the mortgage this month is not a good choice. But if the decision is on whether it’s paid on the 29th or the 30th of the month prior when there is sufficient finds on either of those days, then I don’t care.

-Sir

[subgirlygirl]

D/s Drabble

When a man tells me he doesn’t want 24/7 D/s, that it’s impossible to be ‘on’ all the time, unrealistic to ‘be’ dominant or submissive all the time, I always do a little mental happy dance. Because it’s one more person who didn’t waste my time, one more person who doesn’t understand that dominance and submission, in this regard, are not acts - they are characteristics, inherent traits, and, in practice, a way of relating to another person.

There are plenty of people who enjoy the sexual and power-play aspects of BDSM, who enjoy it only from time to time or in certain contexts or situations. But the one I’m interested in can’t turn it off because ‘it,’ quite simply, is him.

[instructor144]

THIS. If you feel like you have to “turn it off” once in awhile, you’re not a Dom (or a sub), you’re just a kinky role-player.

[everthekinkier]

YEESSS! Well said subgirlygirl i agree!

[sefossivento-deactivated2017010]

[it-works-for-us]

I would love to watch movies like this

[tanzaniteblood]

SCC TWC prt3

What is your favorite D/s activity that would not be considered sexual?

Obedience Training.

When Noka has time off from work, he usually wants one day to himself, cool off from a week of dealing with people. After he has had a day to himself, it is then our day. After a week of me running wild, this is when Noka puts my back in my place. 

I’ll wake early, I’ll shower, pretty up my hair, put on the skirt he favorites the most. Put my day collar away to put on the eternity ring, and his pet is ready. Waiting silently and patiently as he begins to wake. Leisurely gets himself ready. When he is close to done, I will tidy the house up, make sure the pups are settled for being inside/outside while we are away. Now we are both ready.

We will go out, normally to eat something we both fancy. I am always by his side, like an attentive puppy, wanting to please. He’ll order what he wants, and generally I share with him. Him feeding me from his plate. After food, and letting it digest, we will go stroll parts of town. Normally my place is at his side, but there are times he wants me in front of him. Mind you, I’m 5′ and he is 6′. He can easily put his chin on my head.

So while some think this is a form of leading, for me it’s a test. He wants to see what I do, and he also wants to watch me. Depending on his mood, he will grab and pet, and while this could be seen as sexual. His touch will do that no matter what. When we are out and he does this, it’s my obstacle course. I have to keep focus, I can not be distracted. Doing this, his touch, testing me. Keeping me in place, even with such distractions he wants me focused. Noka does have a touch of sadism in him, and he knows in public I put on a “mask”.

Have you ever seen someone walking their pet, the leash so slack due to the pet walking perfectly at their side? That is me, that is how I am in public on these days. If I didn’t have to deal with people staring, or making comments (I am the snappy type, you wanna comment, I’ll comment back) or the fact Noka doesn’t care to deal with people as much as me, I’d love a leash with my collar while we are out! But the leash would just be for show, there would be no need. He says heel, I stop in place. He says stay, I stay, sit, come, walk, side, forward, I will listen.

A day I am reminded who is in charge, and why. I love these days, I a show dog. Perfectly groomed, perfect posture, head and tail held high. Wanting to show off my Master’s training and care of me. Proud of the collar around my neck, and the invisible leash connecting from it to Noka’s hand. 

[it-works-for-us]

When we go out to eat, she tells me what she wants to eat, even though I could usually predict it, and I order for her with the server. It's small and domestic but it makes her feel taken care of.

[wordylittlegirl-blog-deactivate]

Dom/mes/tops on Tumblr! I have a question!

 @thedominantprompts perhaps some of your regulars have something to say on this -

How do you treat/handle/express your own vulnerability?

[it-works-for-us]

I find my wife, usually sitting on the couch, move the dog (65 lb boxer) out of the way and simply lay my head down in her lap. She asks what's wrong and I spill...or I just mumble nothing. She asks if I'm sure and I nod and just stay like that until I can't form words out of whatever turmoil is rolling through my head.

[beautypeen]

listen, i’m never going to let you use my laptop idk what exactly i have to hide but i’m 200% sure there’s something

[obsessedbystrawberry]

Ha .. this rings loud and clear at the moment … looking for a new job and I had the thought the other day .. make sure I clear the history from the beginning of time … delete anything in the download folder .. check everywhere … and this is my work computer .. I don’t even want to think what could be found on my home computer …

[it-works-for-us]

Welllll....if you find a new job and they discover yummy stuff after you're gone...what's the worst they can do...fire you?

[iwantothatswhy-do-over]

After several incredible leg trembling orgasms

Her: gasping “I may not say it much…but you ARE my master…”

Me: softly. “I know.”

See, the back story here, is this. My wife and I have no interaction in the real world with others in the lifestyle, so we have never had need of labels or titles. We are, quite simply, who we are. Our power exchange is most prevalent in the bedroom, but it most certainly spills over the threshold into the rest of our life. She absolutely loves it when I take quiet calm control of a given situation. It also oddly enough turns her on when I do housework. Go figure? Anyway. I just wanted to share. Thanks.