Daydreamer. Night thinker.

This is where I will place the things I think but ultimately cant say. Other than that im just a /typical/ woman 25 years into her life sentence. Also a Scorpio. This is my emotional workings/mind vomit and I should warn you, it gets bad, but there's also times of love in here and the love was so full and felt. Have fun?

[its--this]

You taunt me at night, but also in the day. You’re written in so much I see. The universe really was ours.

I see you in people. I always knew you were close. We were, are, tied together. The more I learn the more it just all makes sense, the more fate shows its face, the more the universe pushes the lesson onto me. She reminded me of you for a reason beyond the surface, turns out.

I keep learning of so many people that knew you. And in that, I feel this deepening sense of responsibility to fix it for everyone. Just like I used to. I knew you the best, the longest, the most. No competition, just facts that made me feel like I had answers for everyone, answers that I had to figure out so long ago all by myself.

Fuck, I’m listening to songs right now to help me get through this and you fucking shine through them even though they’re so loosely related you still somehow find a way to confirm your presence. You knew I would get it and yes, I do.

I feel the need to be a leader for some reason. To make people feel better. To make you known and understood. I feel like I’m the one with all the power and control.

I thought I could process what we went through and the effects it had on me at my own pace, my own time. It will come after I’ve dealt with /everything else/. But the universe is forcing me to confront it. It’s saying that it’s time, no matter what. It’s part of every other change, the rinse of my life. It’s crazy how my cat was born the same time we became friends and she also died within days of you. Four days. It’s crazy how I moved into that house when I became friends with you and moved out of it two weeks after you died.

I just have to go with it and find out ways to let the feelings roll before they become too buried. I just don’t know how to bring up such a fragile topic with people whose mental capacity I have no idea of. I’ve been hardened by our experience and had time to feel such grief and loss long before you died. I already accepted the fate so long ago, that I forgot others could carry hope for it to be different.

I knew you so well that I knew exactly how you felt about this. A bittersweet sigh of relief. A shrug of the shoulders. Hope for redemption in the next life. And an appreciation for all the people that made the good moments good. I reached out to my cards because I knew you would connect and they reflected the exact same sentiment.

I felt it when your physical form was let go from the world, or finally put to rest. I noticed that your presence wasn’t as overwhelming anymore. You went somewhere else for a hit, but a small part of you returns every now and then. I know you wouldn’t want to leave me, I know that you understand what I had to do for myself now. Regardless, what is undeniable is the connection we shared with each other that neither of us shared with anyone else.

I missed your love and friendship so much. I would’ve kept it if it wasn’t killing me. I really would have. We were so young and cute, little dreamers. Best friends. But I knew the lessons I had to learn. I trusted those feelings. I’m happy you went peacefully, that you kept living for so long.

I knew you came to me because I felt the love and confidence that you used to give me. The way you used to boost my confidence and make me feel my own power. The way you always reminded me of that.

I’ll get some guts to figure out how to talk about you to people who could use the comfort. I just gotta.

[its--this]

I have no memory, all I want is answers, and nobody gives me information, I have been left there, and you question my coping, my search, my attempts to break out of the glass ball that I’m stuck in, the very things I am forced to do because I have been forgotten, hushed, excluded, as if I was never there, you question me, make me feel bad, force me silent, back into my neat, little, glass ball, ready to pack it away and carry it for life. You question me because you have the luxury of memory, of knowing, of being involved, of deciding fate, with no consideration of what I’d want, you have the luxury of answers and now you just wait. I had to search and search just for a piece of understanding and you question that. I told you this was ours. Again, I’m left alone. Again, my pain receives no justice, and again, it is ridiculed, hushed, hidden. There is no consideration for my coping. The end result does not matter, since you can’t erase the real hurt I felt of being left alone.

[its--this]

I’m navigating my whole life with kaleidoscope eyes, not realising everyone else has telescopes.

[its--this]

Don’t drink and drive.

when I was wearing that dress, those clothes, I never thought I’d one day be pulling it out of a wreck. That’s the thing that upset me most. Seeing my stuff everywhere. The feeling of safety has been forever questioned after the four door was turned into a smart car. But at least I know that mathematically repetition is much more unlikely. Just not 0 though.

Didn’t know what “I’m so glad it was us” meant until I realised the car next to us had a kid in the back, and anybody in the back of ours would end up in critical condition. All that the scene was left with was my concussion. Even that could’ve been worse, the airbags don’t go off when you’re rear ended.

To you, Mr Holden, I know you feel it. I know you’re panicked, snared by guilt, the thought of getting away with it sounding so insane but so hopeful, alluring, and with each day ticking past you believe it more. I don’t need belief. I know it won’t happen. In one way or another, most likely both, you will get it. I know you feel the impending doom. I know I’m looked after. Your money is draining and draining. I know you don’t have any, now you have less. It’s still your car. You’re trapped in a sand timer, and holy fuck do I know I have patience. I don’t remember your face, but you remember mine.

Maybe this was meant for all three of us. That’s still something I have to work out for myself. But I know it was meant for you.

You deserve it.

[owelight]

fun fact. it literally doesn’t matter if your trauma “wasn’t THAT bad” compared to other peoples. its still trauma and it will affect you the same way. it doesn’t matter how “bad” it was, its something you went through and are continuing to live with the aftermath of, and, no matter what, everything you feel is completely justified.

[shobe-sandwitch]

idk who needs to hear this, but your wants are not outrageous. you want love? you want attention? you want peace? you want comfort? you deserve it. you're not asking for too much.

[its--this]

I feel as if

There’s a part of you that doesn’t believe me. Because, I do believe in things that seem unreal. So what makes what I say about a situation, that clearly does not reflect my word, true?

I can feel the skeptic in you, I know there’s one that questions a lot of things, a lot of claims, but you’re better than what I’ve heard before, you know to keep it quiet.

I’m just extremely tired of needing to perfectly defend myself with multiple recounts and with evidence just to get some care. I’m tired of being quiet, feeling like I can’t speak about anything like no one cares what I’ve been through. Not even to hear it. I’m tired of being forced to be alone and to withdraw from people and connections and to not experience love and care when I needed it most.

So it’s when, if I ever, go quiet and withdraw, that I have given up on trying to break that toxic mold I grew up in. It’s then that I’ve been let down again. Because in the space I’ve felt safe enough to try and change in, Ive been met with the same things. The same things that are killing me.

[grubloved]

[caringcoffeechats]

Not everything happens for a reason. Some things happen purely because evil exists in the world. That did not happen to you because you deserved it. It didn’t happen to you because you needed to learn a lesson. There are lessons you can learn without experiencing pain.

[its--this]

Already

You feel like a breath before the dive into a deep ocean, the wind rushes past my ears as I fall until the water embraces me fully

Then you’re the water, the pause as momentum stops, and I haven’t started rising yet, you’re the water that holds me for a second and I start to feel it on my skin, a cool embrace

The ocean on a winter day, dark and churning, deep salty mystery with a gentle touch, you’re so soft.. like the moons reflections against the calmest sea, the moons light itself, silver and blue and black but filled deep with stars reflecting in your eyes as if they were puddles of pure space.. my god.

The ocean as it supports my body on the surface, allowing me to take in the breath taking sky, the clouds, the sunset, all which you reflect.

already..

[jaguar]

[bienenkiste]

Evelina Lauren by Marcus Ohlsson for V Magazine online, July 6th 2020

[lofeel]

[deryliya]

[sensitivityandbrutality]

Holy mother fucking shit

[passionchangeverything]

[dreami-dolli-deactivated2021072]

it sucks right now for both of us but one day we will be swaying in each other’s arm as the homemade stew we are making for dinner bubbles on the stove, the scent of love and warmth fills our cozy cottage that looks just like something from a fairytale.

[its--this]

I’m so touch starved I just don’t know how to behave, it’s so interesting watching my brain react to this new thing, the fears I thought were squashed are rising to the surface again, I’m dreaming of magic and I can hear the voice of the universe and see the smile

Don’t ever doubt yourself. Don’t doubt yourself, because the night I kissed you for the first time, I had nothing but green lights on the drive home.

God I have slow motion moments running through my head I feel like a being. I wanna tell you how much I appreciate your respect. I wanna tell you how much time slows down when I see your smile and the way your eyes carry it but I know I have to wait and I will because I know it’s worth the wait.

I wanna hold your cheeks in my hands and just look at you but I’m too scared.

Moving forward, I will have the courage to get through the scary things. Because I feel it in you too.

The universe loves this, trust me. I can’t tell you that, but I know you feel it too. Green lights, ladybugs, it’s all there. I feel it.