6 years, 3 babies. It’s difficult to remember what my life was like before children. I had hobbies. I had a lot of friends. I went out frequently. I had time for myself. I knew what true loneliness felt like.
I am not bitter. Still, sometimes motherhood is extremely dehumanizing. I have to plan simple self care, such as a shower, around the care and schedule of 3 little people. At their mercy always, it seems.
I do not have friends outside of the internet anymore. Partly that is milso/constant-moving life, other part is flat out abandonment from them. I was the first within our friend group to have a baby and get married. In fact, I think even now a majority of my old friends are still single and partying (which is okay, I am not criticizing. Only pointing out how we don’t relate as we once did).
I had so much time for any type of creative outlet I wanted to sample at the time. I wrote constantly… I was published!! So many opportunities right at my fingertips at that time. The “break” from my career after L’s birth turned into 2 more kids and a marriage. I’m uncertain that I’ll ever be a real writer again and it’s slightly soul crushing.
It is not all lost dreams and relationships, there are things that motherhood completely broke me of that I would probably still be struggling with today had I chosen not to have children yet. You wouldn’t be able to tell, but I am a recovered addict. Well, they tell us to never say “recovered”, but recovering. As we are supposed to always be addicts forever. However, I feel lightyears apart from that person. Do I think about heroin and narcotics still? Sure, from time to time, but not in ways that I’m not completely disgusted by their use and who I was using them. Back then I was filling such a void from my abusive past. Having children helped birth me into a more stable and LOVED (true unconditional LOVE) human being. I needed love.
That sick version of me still mattered though. She was the stepping stone to who I am now. Her thoughts and dreams still flow within me. Her wild, spontaneous, always hungry for experience self is the foundation of ME. Rarely these days I embody that essence of her for my own pleasure. My children are young and need my stability so I find ways to be both.
The random adventures to questionably dangerous places and substances morphed into adventures to new states, child-oriented attractions and “firsts”. It is a different kind of magic.
Motherhood is consuming. It crashes in like a massive tidal wave, completely destroying weak structures of you that once stood. The water smooths and fills all the cracks and emptiness in a single sweeping motion. To be birthed anew alongside your baby, a top the leftover foundation she before children laid.
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