update on some previous things... you going through relationship problems hurt me more than most people and i knew i loved you cause i cried and felt hurt when i saw you hurting... it hurt so much seeing you in pain and i couldn’t be there for you... we spent all night talking it out and i remember so clearly seeing something that hurt me before you even said anything because i knew it would hurt you too... i used to get excited about things or be scared and you’d be the first person i’d call because you were the first person i thought of... i longed for the day i would be fine and you wouldn’t be my go to person, but i would be yours, which i felt i was for a while until that ended.
it feels a little weird now because i no longer think of you first when something happens. you’re no longer the person i want to share everything with and i no longer feel that connection i once thought we had in my mind. i just want to see you happy now and i always have. we’re still friends, but you’re not the person i want to see all the time. you’re no longer the name i want to see pop up on my phone every night and you’re no longer the person i think of all the time. i think i’m starting to understand how you felt all along and i’m sorry for making you care more about me before.
I’ve learned a lot in the past few months. You can’t force anyone to care about you. They have to want to. You can’t ask people to be happy for you. They have to want to see you happy. And lastly, feelings and relationships change through time and just because you said you’d never before doesn’t mean you’ll say never now. i don’t know if i was just naive before and told myself it could never work because i know it wouldn’t. and why i am allowing myself to feel it now. but i think i’ve come to find that he’s the one who’s been along my side all along. he’s been there for me at my lowest. he knows how to make my worst days a little better and i no longer want to see you all the time, but i want to see him and tell him everything on my mind.
but timing hurts people and relationships and although people say you never meet the right people at the wrong time, i call that bullshit because i didn’t meet him at the wrong time. i know that. but our future doesn’t feel like it’s going to include each other right when i figured it all out. when i realized i no longer want to lie to myself about how i feel and i no longer want someone who doesn’t know me as well as you do, we had to be split apart.
i don’t know if the next time we’ll see each other again will be this month or even this year, which is what haunts me the most. and i don’t know what’s going to change when we’re over 7,000 miles apart.
but all i know is that i want what we have. i want you to look at my face and already know that what im eating is too spicy for me. i want you to pick up from my tone of voice and know something’s wrong. i want you to argue with me on where to eat because i always want sushi, but you never do. but we end up compromising and going to get sushi. i want to hear your voice when you call me at 1pm telling me im not busy so i can have lunch with you. and last but not least, i want to watch you cook for me and bring me food when im sad. i want you to be there forever, just a phone call away or a bus ride away. i want to cry to you forever and hear the words, “i know what will make you feel better,” because those words alone make me feel better.
but i learned from the past that truly loving and caring for someone is wanting the best for them, even if it’s without you. i want you to be happy with someone else by your side when im gone. i know you’re always lonely and want someone to come into your life and i am always the first one to tell you she’s the one because i want you to feel less lonely. i know you’re not good with long distance so i don’t want to be selfish because in reality, i don’t know when we can ever be together in the same place again.
i’m not the one who can help you feel less lonely. i’m not the one who can save you. and i’m not the girl of your dreams. we don’t have anything in common and i don’t know what what we have is built on.
like i said, timing is a bitch because right when i found someone, i needed to leave. i thought it’d only be a few months, but i remember locking myself inside and crying over the fact that i might not see you for an entire year. that scared me because we’ve never been apart for that long.
but recently, im trying to get the hang of it. i still want to hear you miss me, but that’s because i want to know what we had wasn’t the end of it all. i don’t know how to find someone this supportive of me again at the end of the day. i don’t know if there will ever be someone who will call me at 1am to ask me to help them decide whether or not they should go to the gym or not, only for them to do the opposite of my advice. i don’t know if anyone will willingly come over to help me take care of my drunk roommates and still want to come back when they’re sober. and i don’t know if i will ever find anyone worth spending my time with and keep me from wanting to go home because i feel most at home with them. i’ve told people this before and i’ll admit this one in a heartbeat. when i’m sad and when i want someone to comfort me, i want it to me him. his voice calms me down and tells me everything is going to be alright. he makes me feel like a kid and tells me not to worry about it when he’s an over thinker himself.
i don’t know who’s going to ask me to talk about my father now because i always talk about my mom. i don’t know who i’m going to call at 12pm when im trying to hold in my tears and who i’m going to call at 12am when i just want to hear how your day went. i don’t know what’s going to happen between you and me or me and someone else or you and someone else. but i just know if we had more time, we could’ve maybe had something or nothing and the thought of never knowing what that thing was terrifies me.
