Okay so I'm gay and I watched (and read) Heated Rivalry and I have so many thoughts. I am the number 1 Ilya Rozanov defender D1 Ilya defender over here I will hear NO slander about my boy. I have some friends who watched the show and within the first few episodes were like “I don't like Ilya he's such a jerk and he can't communicate” to which I said “You need to read the book” because Ilya is going through it.
"But why did Ilya not open up to Shane earlier?" Fantastic question young grasshopper, he didn't because once he had finally worked up the courage to take their relationship to the next level (7 years later might I add) Shane LITERALLY LEFT HIM. Ilya finally opened himself up and tried to be vulnerable with him, got him to stay over, did the domestic shit with him, RECEIVED A CALL FROM HIS DYING FATHER AND THEN PULLED HIMSELF TOGETHER TO GO SEE SHANE, had a vulnerable moment with him calling him Shane which was basically him admitting his feelings (this action being so clear even Shane knew what it meant) and then Shane FUCKING LEFT HIM. AND THEN HE GOT A GIRLFRIEND AFTER BASICALLY TELLING ILYA HE DOESN'T REALLY LIKE GIRLS. So yeah of course Ilya isn't going to be ready to open up to Shane until Shane opens up to him first later because when my boy tried to be genuine with him, SHANE LEFT HIM FOR A WOMAN.
Poor guy is dealing with realizing his soulmate is a man even when he's capable of loving women he only loves Shane, his dad dying and him not being there to take care of him, his own depression, realizing that if he has Shane the way he needs he'll never be able to visit HIS MOTHERS GRAVE in Russia again, knowing that he has absolutely no solid support system (excluding Svetlana because she's not always physically there), and trying to be there for his teammates in the league so yeah he's going through a lot at the moment.
Ilya's battling with his love for Shane is such a perfect depiction of bisexual guilt. He knows that he's perfectly capable of loving a woman, of living a happy life with a woman. He knows that if he were with a woman, he could remain an impressive Russian figure, he could still return home and visit his mom, he could live the life that his mom wanted for him. But then he falls for Shane Hollander. Worse, he realizes he's in love with Shane Hollander and there's nothing he can do to stop it. Shane LITERALLY LEAVES HIM and he's still in love with him. Somewhere deep down Ilya knew he had fallen and was cooked when he first met Shane and was obsessed with those freckles, but the actual realization years later that he couldn't be with anyone else without thinking of Shane destroyed him.
In the Las Vegas Remix chapter of Heated Rivalry we can see Ilya’s perspective of that infamous night in Vegas where Ilya LITERALLY HAS A PANIC ATTACK AND HAS TO HIDE HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM AWAY FROM SHANE TO TRY TO REGAIN HIS COMPOSURE. He had a panic attack seeing Shane again after 6 months because he realized he wanted Shane more than he thought he was capable of. Sure he thought of Shane every day but seeing him in person and immediately breaking down is an entirely different action that he wasn't expecting.
His feelings of not just lust but affection for Shane are made even more obvious in this chapter by when he takes actual photos during the award ceremony bit because he wanted the pictures. Because even if Shane never wanted to touch him again at least he would have these pictures. Oh. My. God. Or when later in that chapter he thinks that if he starts kissing Shane he’ll never stop and that's why they don't kiss at that event. The fact that he wants to hold Shane in his arms and fall asleep with him more than he wants to fuck him scares and confuses Ilya because this is just supposed to be a hook up, nothing more, and Ilya knows that if this keeps up he's not going to be able to handle it only being a hook up. In the same way that Shane realized these feelings were real when Ilya said his first name so he left, Ilya did basically the same thing but instead of leaving he made his walls stronger. He couldn't fully resist Shane, but he couldn't be genuine with him either because he wanted to do all he could to prevent this from becoming more than what it was.
So yes he's being Russian and defensive and trying to put up a wall between him and Shane that will maybe make everything easier. But it won't. My poor poor boy I will hear NO slander for his lack of communication with Shane. My boy is fighting DEMONS.
