n e b u l o u s

Bacani | Calang | Laus | Pineda | Simbulan

[itsnebulous]

UNSAID STORY I'VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT

Well, my name is Jorgin Bacani and yes I'm that silent woman with the loudest mind. I mostly write them in words so that people could barely hear me, as if they were interested enough to listen by reading those words--words that symbolizes my deep emotion within. It was the words I didn't and never said to someone but I hope I did. Yep, I am that woman with full of regrets, I forgot who I am though. I already lost myself and I don't have any idea on how my writing story would be inspiring to someone. It was full of trigger I hope I didn't push you through. Too bad my soul has given up to me.

It actually started when I was young. I was playing random tone and rhythm from the phone of my mom it was 'Nokia 3210'. I love the sounds it makes my ears bled--those blood were dark as my childhood imagination looks like. I was not able to sung very well, my voice was so annoying even a autotune application could not be able enchance my voice. But still I love playing words by singing them in a random rhythm and tone--imagining I'm a successful hot indie artist who would perform in front of many people.

I didn't expect that I would love the art of writing. As the time goes by, I become an aspired author in my junior high school days but it only last for a year after that I've deleted my account--same as my old self wanting to grow and bloom to become an independently woman. Yes, I was not really into writing but because of that particular application in which they called it "Wattpad" and it was a chance for me to tried it even though I failed to have my own published books. It was actually my dreams back then. But then again, I failed to reached for it instead I gave up reaching it--it was fear of being not enough for everything.

As the time goes by, I learned how to appreciate my passion and art combined with the music. Those random rhythm and tone have helped me to know my passion more. Until a ukulele came in to my life--those 4 different tones from those strings was mean't to express my emotion within.

Gwen. It was a named of a man and yet, it was also the name of my first ever album I've ever write within just 1 day. I've learned that through music I can express my pain and sadness within. Gwen was the first man who let me see myself and to know my self even more--even behind that was to broke my heart into pieces. But I was thankful for those pain I've experienced, day by day was torture for me seeing him and wondering how to forget him. Whenever I played my ukulele I've always remember him--the man who broke my heart for a girl I've never reached for because I was too ugly to be like her.

Days have passed, whenever I felt sad and empty, I usually write poems and turn them into lyrics of a song but most of it are sad and full of bitterness. But actually I had a crush back then, he was my currently classmate. He become my inspiration to try new things? A happy song. It was entitled "My Happy Pill", his eyes and his smile was my inspiration to wrote it. His named was Eduard, I was actually too shy to send this song for him. But I was happy that we've become friends now. I was able to know him more and it was quite interesting knowing he was my crush but then everything's have changed though.

The months have passed and my feelings have changed. Until, I met this man. The man I've never expect to come and I've never expect to left me with those questions I've never had an answers until now. Meeting him was a fantasy, it was filled by butterflies and turned my world upside down.

He was my everything over my messed up life, he still was and I can never deny it. I've write the best song I've ever write in my life entitled "Everything, Enough". I know he was enough for me but little bit I know that I was never been enough for him. Enough for him to stay but sees me as a different person, his past-lover. It was a torn beneath my throat down to my precious heart watching him to leave me slowly. Those songs from my 'Gwen' album was now turning to be for him. All of those sad songs represent him, he was all him.

My world are turning into pieces, I've never expect that one day he gave up, and left me with a question mark. I was not really enough? Even the fact that I gave up everything--even myself. I continue to wrote songs, but this time it was different. It was truly dark, like my mind it was so much empty. It was my suffering within--the sadness and loneliness I can't even take it anymore. My tears begun to fall as I wrote those lyrics while questioning my worth. "Am I really wasn't enough?"

Until the days passed, everyday was empty and filled of loneliness. I thought I was the only person--I was alone. I write and write until I felt no more but purely emptiness. I actually don't know how to cry anymore, I can feel the pain but how could I? If I can't feel it no more? But then one day I've lost eveything: my passion and happiness--myself. It was dark I was colorblinded by own thoughts, I was drowning beneath. I can't write a happy song as happy while I'm being with my most favorite person--he still was. I was completely lost myself--my old self I wished I was happy and optimistic like her. Again, I was not having the idea that you could get an inspiration and motivation from my story. It was wrecked--full of messed up things, empty and dark. I'm so sorry, it was me--read it at your own risk.

[itsnebulous]

RAFT

A raft cruising amidst a raging sea with the sun barely set. That's how writing is for me. Similar to a raft, writing keeps me afloat in the middle of this raging sea of chaos and misery brought by life. Not once did I ever aspire to be a writer before. I'm always fond of reading but not in writing. But in 2017, I lost my "lolo" and the tide of sorrow overwhelmed me and that's when I found myself a raft to get through my distress.

At 8 years old I started to have an interest on reading. I started from the adventures of the Olsen twins, Harry Potter series and Enid Blyton's books. For someone who started reading at a young age, I never had the aspiration of becoming a writer. Yes, I write back then, but entries for my diary only. Reading brings me enthusiasm and comfort but not writing. It was at this age when the sea of my life is still calm. I need no raft to get me through it because as calm as it is as carefree as I am.

On my early teenage years I realized that reading and writing are somehow associated with each other. I know a lot of book lovers who wants to be a writer. That's when I asked myself, why can't I find the art in writing? I am in deniably pressured about how I can't write poetically despite of all the books I've read. I thought to myself that I should have already found the interest in writing through my favourite authors. These books should have inspired me. But no, I convinced myself that it is really not for me because of how messy and disarray my thoughts could get. I can't seem to get hold of it and put them into words without confusing myself. I saw writing then as something that requires consistency and organization, something close to the industrial side of being artistic. And for a teenager like me who always get overpowered by her own thoughts without having an idea how to deal with it, I discouraged myself into writing. At this point, I am almost on my way to get lost in the clamour of my sea. Doubts, insecurities, and questions of what is really for me is starting to get in my head. I'm not really sure how I am caught with this existential crisis when I'm still young and still starting to figure out life but I am sure it is messing me up pretty bad.

Later those years, I got quite certain that I am not the sentimental type of person. I don't cry that easily and I don't like diving into deep on things. Each year that passed, I am becoming less and less of a writer. But at least then I kind of found myself already regardless of how disarranged my mind is still. And so, my sail continued.

But at 16 years old, everything got distorted. My grandfather died and I as her favourite granddaughter was left devastated. My whole perspective towards life shifted. The apathetic me was gone in an instant. It was like my whole cruise in this life of mine turned into a new direction. The wave of pain I felt lead me to adrift in isolation and realize that I am much more different from what I really thought I am. It was me losing myself all over again. But little did I know that following my grandfather's death was a lot more suffering. My parents are not holding on together anymore as they should be. It hurts to see my own family slowly falling apart. I am always convinced that maybe the complexity of life got into them as well. If it was my 13 year old self that was in the situation, I won't be even bothered much because I was still not an emotional being back then. But 16 year old me is a whole different person after what I've gone through. During this time, I never felt so sad and alone that crying doesn't comfort me anymore. Once you lose someone, you'll start to lose everyone as well. For all I know, I was left in wreck after a storm crashed me and I am now in need of a raft to continue sailing.

The remnants of the storm I've gone through kept me up late at night. I barely can sleep and if I do, not an hour after it I start having sleep paralysis. Once at dawn, I tried writing my first ever poem. It was all about how happiness demands so much in return to be felt. The sensation writing gave me sparked the unspoken thoughts of me to come out. Along with the rays of the sun that is about to rise back then, the raft that is about to save me shimmered. Writing soothed me from the misery of life. My whole idea of writing before is very unlike from what I think of it right now. When the strong waves of life crashes me, I hold on to writing to comfort me. The solace I get from writing is my serenity in the middle of life's chaos and distress.

Since I only started writing recently, I admit that I still struggle to articulate my thoughts. But that is what writing is right? You write and write what you feel until you realize that no language is enough to describe your sorrows, misfortunes, and so does joy. That is the art of writing for me, though it can never fill in the part of me that I lost with its metaphor, at least it can give me comfort. Maybe the reason why I can't see myself fit for writing before is because I never had the inspiration. Did I find the inspiration for writing or did the inspiration found me? I could say both. Just as I was looking for my raft while the storm is raging, the waves brought it to me. Writing and I found each other at the middle of the chaos of my sail.

[itsnebulous]

BLOODLINE

NARRATOR: Years ago there lived a King and Queen. He who was infamous of being selfish, brutal, but smart which made him suited for being King. King Henry had always wanted to have a son as his only heir to the throne and rule his kingdom, and so the day he waited came. The Queen Stella gave birth to royalties and the King felt proud and excited.

Scene 1: King and Queen's room

(King Henry approaches Queen Stella when he noticed her moving)

HENRY: (He holds her hands tightly while staring at her) My Queen, how are you feeling?

STELLA: (Her eyes adjusted to the blinding light coming from the windows) I feel better, thank you but our children? Where are they?

HENRY: Our son is sleeping soundly on his room but our daughter… she didn’t make it.

(Henry stops talking then hugged Stella tightly. Then Stella cried loudly)

NARRATOR: While King Henry was comforting Queen Stella, Javert quietly closed the door to give them privacy. He felt something was off and checked the boarders of the palace.

Scene 2: Palace Garden

NARRATOR: Meanwhile Grace, one of the servants in the palace, was about to deliver a meal to his husband Robert, the palace gardener when she spotted an unusual basket hidden behind one of the trees at the garden.

GRACE: Robert! Robert! For the love of our highness, why is this misplaced in here. (She uncovers the basket then screamed)

NARRATOR: The poor servant didn’t know what to do and Robert was not there to help her. Instead the gardener was just about to enter when she screamed.

ROBERT: Grace! (He ran towards the sound and then wrapped his shaking wife in his arms) What happened!?

(Grace pointed at the basket with a terrified expression on her face)

ROBERT: Oh shit.

Scene 3: Prince’s room

NARRATOR: The little boy, Damon, grew up to be a wise and handsome prince like how his father always wanted. Years had already passed and he is in search for his rightful Queen at the age of his eighteenth birthday.

DAMON: (He grunts in annoyance) When will this annoying measurements stop!? I have plenty of suits in my closet.

STELLA: Calm down Damon. (She approaches him then smiles) its your eighteenth birthday tomorrow and everything should be perfect. Especially now that you are soon to be King.

DAMON: I am honored, mom. I know now how I want to rule this kingdom but numbers of suits isn’t part of the plan.

(The servants and tailors giggles at the Prince’s joke)

Scene 4: Palace Kitchen

NARRATOR: Meanwhile at the palace kitchen. The chefs, maids, and other servants are busy preparing for a pre-celebration of the Prince’s day of birth. Wines and other alcoholic drinks are placed on a cart and is ready to be served at the palace garden where the King and other leaders that are acquaintances come to drink their nights away. A young lady at his late teenage years makes her way to the garden for she is assigned to serve the royal family for the week.

EVANGELINE: (She sighs and walks to the garden) Another typical day at the palace. They’re all drunk and enjoying their lives! While here I am.

Scene 5: Palace Garden

NARRATOR: Evangeline approaches the long table where the higher ups and well known politicians are sitting laughing and drinking.

(Evangeline approaches the long table and poured wine in every glass container placed on the table then bowed afterwards)

GUEST 1: King Henry I was just curious but if your daughter should be alive, she is as beautiful as your wife.

HENRY: (He laughs boldly then sneers) Indeed as beautiful but she is dead isn’t she!? (He chugs the left wine as his guests shut their mouths)

(Evangeline slowly turned around to go back inside, on her way she thinks of the passed away princess that everyone talks about)

Scene 6: Evangeline's room

EVANGELINE: (She sits on her bed then started outside the window) If the princess was alive would we be friends? I think she'd be a wonderful Queen.

NARRATOR: The young servant stared longingly at the Prince’s window hoping to see him before she takes a nap. Like a miracle, the Prince Damon went out to his veranda, sitting there while looking back at her.

DAMON: (He stands then shouts) Wait I'll go there!

EVANGELINE: Wait—what!? Go where!? (She quickly fixed herself, checking her appearance on the mirror)

(After a while Damon knocked on her door)

EVANGELINE: C-come in!

(He opened the door slowly, not wanting to startle the servant)

DAMON: I have been observing you and you are always looking at me with longing and not desire. You maybe familiar with me but I’m afraid my memory is quite a disappointment.

EVANGELINE: (laughs nervously) Have I disrespected you your highness? (she looks down to his feet) I deeply apologize for my manners.

DAMON: Not at all, perhaps lending me your time will make it even.

NARRATOR: Evangeline looks shocked but still managed to nod and follow the Prince out her room.

Scene 7: Palace Garden

NARRATOR: The Prince Damon looks at her like she has seen her before. On their way to the other part of the garden they passed by the drunk men laughing their hearts out. The King eyed them with confusion while the two teenagers laughed like they had known each other for years.

DAMON: I feel comfort when I talk to you, which I usually don’t feel by the way.

EVANGELINE: Me too! I mean—It makes my heart flutter knowing that a Prince is talking to me, us laughing and all.

DAMON: I agree but unfortunately we must continue this conversation tomorrow. It’s my big day and I know as a servant of my Father you are tasked a lot but still I hope I’ll see you tomorrow—Bye for now.

NARRATOR: Damon left the garden and makes his way back to his room while Evangeline still sat on the bench while counting the appearing stars. She felt at ease and happy until a hand pulled her out of her own paradise.

Scene 8: Grace's house

EVANGELINE: Mom, Dad… I’m so sorry… (She cries her heart out while the couple is hugging her) I-I didn’t mean to talk to the Prince. (She sobs) I didn’t know it wasn’t allowed for a ser—

GRACE: Hush now Eve, we know you’re innocent. Do not worry and we are not mad.

ROBERT: (He messes her hair then chuckles) Stop crying and we are going to tour you in the city. You’ve been serving the royal family long enough. It’s time to start afresh.

(Evangeline wiped her tears and leaves her eyes red and puffy from the outburst)

Scene 9: The City

EVANGELINE: Wow!

(Evangeline hoped from stores, markets, malls, and different boutiques. They spent their time together roaming around the city)

NARRATOR: Javert looms in the shadows following the family, eyeing the young lady like his prey. He didn’t know why he feels threatened with Evangeline. True enough he noticed how fond the Prince is with the servant which he dislikes.

ROBERT: Who’s hungry?

(Stella and Evangeline raises their hands then laughs)

Scene 10: The Palace Ball room

DAMON: (He looks at every servant who walks by) Where is she? I couldn’t find her since last night.

(Damon walks down the stairs and through the hallways where the rooms of servant are located and stops when he hears whispering)

SERVANT 1: Have you heard? Evangeline and her parents were sent away because she spoke to the Prince.

SERVANT 2: Well that can’t be helped. Who knows if she is a slut trying to seduce the Prince!?

(Damon clenches his fist while listening to the conversation. He walks back to his parents’ room and looks for his Father)

DAMON: (He opened the door loudly and forcefully) Father! Have you sent Evangeline away!?

(Henry looks at him with a challenged look, leaving the Queen confused on the couch)

HENRY: Are you accusing me? What right do you have?

DAMON: (He punched the wall behind him) Fuck that! Are you seriously doing this just because she talked to me!? How low can you go!?

HENRY: I am doing this for you because you do not know where you belong. On that throne, for you to be served! Not to entertain a servant!

DAMON: Stop degrading them like you own them!

HENRY: I do own them. (He smiles viciously)

(Damon walks away bringing his personal stuff on a bag before leaving the palace using one of his vehicles)

Scene 11: The City

NARRATOR: Damon searched for the servants using pictures. He is half way on giving up when she heard the familiar laugh that brings back the memories of when they were at the garden. There he saw her, sitting on the edge of a fountain while talking random guys and suddenly he feels this anger growing inside him.

DAMON: (He calls out) Evangeline!

EVANGELINE: (She looks at the direction of the sound then gasped) P-Prince—

DAMON: Shh! (He covers her mouth, glaring at the men who retreated at the sight of him)

(Evangeline struggles to remove his hands off her. He pulls away when she bit him)

DAMON: Ouch!

EVANGELINE: What are you doing here!? I’m not supposed to be with you!

DAMON: I know. I know and I don’t want you in trouble. Listen to me and we will figure this out.

EVANGELINE: Alright. What do you want? (She stares straight at him)

DAMON: Soon they’ll look for me. Meet me at the back gates of the Palace tonight. Wait for me outside and I promise I’ll be there. I want you at my party, be there.

Scene 12: Grace’s old house

NARRATOR: The two part ways and return to their homes. Evangeline’s expression shows how excited yet nervous she is. She picks up her old dress that her mother, Grace, gave her. With a few zips and ribbons, the dress fits her perfectly with every curve.

EVANGELINE: It’s his birthday. What should I give him as a gift?

Scene 13: Back part of the Palace

DAMON: (He walks back and fort behind a large tree) Where is she? Is she not going to come? I thought we—

EVANGELINE: (She fakes a cough upon her arrival) Did you wait long?

DAMON: (He stares at her with an amazed expression) Beautiful.

(Evangeline blushes then walks pass him)

EVANGELINE: It’s getting late and the party is about to start.

DAMON: (He looks away to hide his red face) Y-yes. Let’s get in.

Scene 14: The Palace Ball room

NARRATOR: The Prince Damon and Evangeline entered the ball room wearing masks. All but them shows their faces which lets Evangeline give off a mysterious vibe to everyone in the room. The music starts to play and they danced. He holds on to her tightly like they aren’t meant to be apart. He is showing much affection to the young lady that she most certainly like.

(Henry walks towards the two people dancing, beside him is the Queen Stella)

STELLA: A fine young man and a lovely young lady. A pleasant sight for a Queen to see. (She smiles genuinely)

HENRY: Not pleasant enough with these masks on. (He sneers and glares at Evangeline’s direction)

(Evangeline kept her gaze low and unmoving)

DAMON: Mom, Dad. I’ll be taking her to my room now if you don’t mind?

HENRY: I refu—

STELLA: (She covers Henry's mouth) Go along now dear your room is clean and tidy for the both of you. Have fun! (She winks at them then pulls Henry away)

(Evangeline and Henry looks at each other then giggles before leaving the ball room)

Scene 15: Prince’s room

EVANGELINE: This is your room?

DAMON: For eighteen years, yes. Why?

(Evangeline looks around and spots an old looking door on the right side)

EVANGELINE: What’s in that room?

DAMON: Oh that. It’s a room supposed to be for my twin sister but she died.

EVANGELINE: That’s—I’m sorry.

NARRATOR: The Prince Damon sits on his bed, his coat already laying on the ground. Evangeline finds it pleasing to her eyes as she can’t take them off of him. Suddenly she finds herself on his bed and wonders happened that only the four walled room had witnessed.

EVANGELINE: (She pants and breathes heavily beside him, sweat dropping from her forehead) Happy… Birthday.

DAMON: (He also breathes heavily then stares at Evangeline) Best gift I ever received.

Scene 16: The King and Queen's room

JAVERT: My King (He bows). I have been told that the young slave hasn’t returned home yet.

(Henry sipped on his wine before looking out the window, his wife sleeping peacefully on their King sized bed oblivious of what’s happening)

HENRY: What time did she leave their little house?

JAVERT: After the sun has set.

HENRY: I see a brat has entered our Palace without us noticing. Place guards surrounding the Palace. We mustn’t let her get to his head. The Prince still has a lot to learn.

Scene 17: Down the Lobby

NARRATOR: The right hand, Javert, nods firmly before leaving the room. He walks away to inform the guards about the Palace's security and showing them Evangeline's face.

JAVERT: Have you seen this girl enter the Palace?

(The guards shake their heads then went back to patrolling the Palace)

JAVERT: sneaky little brat! (He picks up a vase and throws it to the wall)

Scene 18: Grace's old house

NARRATOR: Weeks passed and it has been like this. The Prince Damon meets up with Evangeline and they explore the city together. Everyday seems so normal until this day. Evangeline woke up tired and feeling weird. She smelled something she didn’t like making her puke.

GRACE: (She walks up to her) Eve, I hope I’m wrong but you may not be sick but perhaps…

ROBERT: Who were you with these past weeks?

EVANGELINE: I’m pregnant with… Damon's baby. (She gasps then claps before looking at the couple)

ROBERT: fuck!

(Evangeline's eyes became wide at his response. Grace shakes her head and starts to murmur)

NARRATOR: The news has driven the couple insane. It was too much for them to take in but knew that Evangeline is as clueless as a new born baby. After sinking in the information they didn’t think twice and told her everything that happened.

Scene 19: The Palace

NARRATOR: Damon grins at the little box he’s holding. An engagement ring passed down royalty to royalty and he wants Evangeline to wear it as his soon to be Queen. When he was about to leave the Palace using the back gates he heard footsteps and so he hid behind the tree.

JAVERT: Where are you going again? To spy on your dead daughter?

HENRY: She is supposed to be dead but you’re an idiot.

JAVERT: It wasn’t my fault Roberto has a heart for brats like your daughter.

HENRY: Shut the fuck up and stop saying daughter you imbecile! What if someone hears you!?

JAVERT: For a smart King you’re quite dumb. Everyone suspects her as the long dead princess because she looks exactly like the Queen.

Scene 20: Grace’s old house

NARRATOR: Damon walked his way to Grace’s house to see Evangeline. Each step he takes feels like daggers stabbing his footsteps. When he reached his destination, he was too late.

DAMON: Eve… Evangeline…

(Damon kneels in front of Evangeline’s lifeless body, a knife stuck on her stomach and her blood spilling everywhere on the ground)

DAMON: Fuck… It was all a lie. Everything. (He screams) You were my fucking twin sister and I made love to you!

[itsnebulous]

BOND THROUGH BANDS

Well I know when you're around ‘cause I know the sound I know the sound, of your heart... bzzz bzz bzz

I woke up by the annoying vibration of my alarm, I checked the time and good lord my alarm has been buzzing for about half an hour now! I don't remember snoozing it off but damn my train for London leaves in 20 minutes. My earphones are tangled all over my neck. I could literally hear my mum inside my head saying “You should not sleep with your earphones on Bailee!” I'm sorry mum but your loving daughter just did. I must have fallen asleep again while on my phone last night. It has become my habit now to pass out while scrolling through my socials, I mean that's just pure talent. Music is my thing but not in the way that I'm great at instruments. It's just that I love listening to bands.

As I hurry to the bathroom to take a shower, I tripped over my sketchbooks. I don't remember my flat being this messy. Dirty clothes are piling on the chair beside my disastrous closet, books are everywhere on the dusty carpet. The only thing in order are my shelves of books and music albums which is also now getting dusty. Surprisingly the kitchen area is clean, maybe because I am always out at the city to eat out with my classmates after school. I got out of the shower with ten minutes to spare. I have no time for my indecisiveness on what clothes to wear so I pulled off my go-to outfit. I tucked my favourite yellow sweater on my jeans and put on my worn out Converse then grabbed my coat that is hung on the back of my door before sprinting to the elevator.

As I got out on the streets, tourists are everywhere, typical for Brighton though even if it's freezing cold. But today is warmer, the sun is actually out which is very unusual for December. I'm almost near at the station when Lily texted me:

“BAILEE WHERE ARE U?!”

But before I can even type my answer, she called

“Sis the train is about to leave in two minutes” I can imagine with her tone how pissed she is at me.

“I’m almost there. I’m like twenty steps away”

“That better be not a lie”

“I swear it's not- and oh she already hang up”.

We made it to London without having a fight. She is already used to my shenanigans on my morning routines which always make me late. Lily is just pressed that I missed breakfast with her at the cafe.

“Why on Earth are you late this time my beloved friend? Bet you had your concert again while in the shower”, she said sarcastically.

“Oh stop it, you know I can't miss my singing ritual whilst in the shower”, I teased her.

“Also, I'm not late duh I made it exactly at 8 am”. Lily has always been the early bird kind of friend during meet ups and I am most certainly the buzzer beater type.

Roaming around the city of London is always my favourite. I have lived here three years ago when I first came to England yet every time I walk along its streets and pass by its shops, I keep falling in love like it's the first time. The telephone booths are still class even though no one uses it. Everything about this city is so aesthetic. Lily and I spent half of the day going through some of the places London is known for as if we are tourists.

“It's ridiculous that I've lived in London most of my life but still haven't ridden this until now". We are now inside a carriage on top of the London eye.

“ I can't say the same. I mean I lived here only a few years back and I even barely go out then but it's never too late to be a tourist you know”.

The view on top is amazing, cityscape and sunset is picture perfect. I just wish that I am seeing this with Matty right now if he hadn't left me. I guess this is it again, I have fallen on my whirlpool of grief that keeps dragging me down. It's been years but why didn't I learn to handle the pain.

2 years ago...

London street is busy as ever yet the holiday spirit is very alive. Every one on the city is on their layered coats as it is freezing cold. It's two more weeks until Christmas and the shops are all packed with those who are gift shopping. I am probably the most loneliest person in London because I actually have no one to celebrate Christmas with as I just moved. I have Lily and our friends but they’re all going home for the holidays.

Today is the last day of school before our Christmas break so we planned a night out at Winter Wonderland.

“Here's the thing Bailee, a Christmas holiday of a typical London resident wouldn't be complete without a night here", Millie said as we walk toward the entrance of the giant Christmas carnival. Millie is my street smart friend who always got my back the first time I got in London.

“Really?”, and as I ask this I confirmed what Millie just said, the place is crowded and sparkly with its lights. The people are in their high spirits as they are in queue for the rides. I could never be that person who is excited for the rides. Before I even know it, my friends are already in line calling me to join them.

“BAILEE AREN'T YOU GOING TO JOIN US?”, Josh screamed.

“ I'D RATHER WATCH YOU FROM HERE. I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS.”, I answered. The music is getting loud now from what I hear from the people passing by is from the beer tent.

“ARE YOU SURE???” asked Lily looking concerned.

“YEAHHHH, MEET YOU AT THE BEER TENT MAYBE?”

I barely heard their answer but I'm sure I heard Millie say “oh she'll do just fine, she can manage now". Thanks Millie for your confidence but I am actually anxious going alone inside the beer tent. But I am eager to see what's going on in there because I can hear a band playing.

There's a reason why I never returned your calls I wish I could forget it all But I never returned your calls ‘Cause I'd fall again.

“Holy cow they are singing a Blossoms' song" , I whispered to myself out of excitement.

I made my way in front of the crowd. The people inside the tent are all chattery and loud but I could only hear the song playing, my favourite song. I caught the vocalist' attention maybe because of my aggressiveness to get in front. I got lost on his gaze, his deep blue eyes melted me, the curls of his hair is so soft. It is their last song to play. After they played, he went to sit beside me which is weird because we don't even know each other.

“Hi” he said shyly.

A cute band vocalist who is a stranger just talked to me, how am I supposed to reply. “Hello?”

“You sound so confused" he said giggling.

“Uhmmm yes? I am confused because a stranger who just sung my favourite song is talking to me out of context”, I blurted out.

“Oh I actually approached you because of your reaction while we were playing ‘your favourite song’ "

“Why so?”

“Because it's so obvious that you really like the song and you were the only one here who seems to appreciate it. Does it remind you of someone?”

“Honestly no, I just really love it. The tune, its lyrics is just perfect for me.”

“Guess we are the same then".

After my weird moment with that guy, my friends finally came to have a beer. Mr. Stranger was about to leave when I asked his name.

“It's Matty”

That's how Matty and I started. After that night, he invited me to watch shows and gigs. The drive back home is always my favourite. We take detours just to spend more time talking about each other with good music on the background.

“Cityscapes are just beautiful, aren't they?” I said while looking out the window.

“Not as beautiful and bright as you”

“Stop being so cute please”, that's the only reaction I could do with his smooth cheesy lines.

As months of hanging out together goes by, we fall deeper and deeper with each other. Matty gave my room a make over. Ever since I moved in London my flat doesn't look like home so he gave it an artistic touch. He painted the walls, built me a desk and shelves. We also hung posters of our favourite bands. After redecorating my room, it now feels home and cosy. He stayed until midnight so that we could listen to the new album of the 1975 together.

“I guess this could be our new jam then" he said with enthusiasm in his eyes.

“I love the idea", I answered.

I knew he was already sleepy when he said goodnight before driving back home. I didn't want him to drive anymore because it's already late but he insisted because he's worried about his sister so I let him.

“Call me when you get home ok? Drive safely”

“Ok I love you” he said.

I don't recall the next months after. It is as blurry as when my tears won't stop falling for him. Matty have left me. Matty never returned my calls not because he's scared of falling again for me. He never returned my calls because he's gone. How I wish we could've said our goodbyes. I should've said I love you too while I still can. But it is all too late now.

Matty is the reason why I moved to Brighton. Everything about London reminds me of him especially at this time. He once asked me to ride the London eye with him but I refused because I was scared and anxious.. What I did not know is could never see this view with him anymore. I should have said yes back then but my anxiety ate me. Up until now his memory still haunts me even in Brighton. I never had the courage to clean up my room because I keep remembering when he decorated my room. Now I can finally say that ‘There's a Reason Why (I Never Returned Your Calls) by Blossoms reminds me of someone.

Before I even get drowned by my whirlpool of grief, Lily brought me back to reality.

“Bailee are you alright?”

“Yeah I think I am"

I still find parts of you. In the corners of my bedroom. Someday comes too soon. The radio plays our favourite tune again.

[itsnebulous]

VAMPIRE PRINCESS

The wet grass beneath her feet made her feel alive. It’s her 18th birthday today and she just can’t seem to keep her excitement hidden. “Victoria!” her mom shouted from the window of their old house. She walked barefoot towards the house then breathed the air deeply. Victoria felt weird – like it will be the last time she’ll be here, which she thought was absurd.

While she was eating her perfectly sliced sandwiches her eyes wandered around the house, black orbs to her left then right while her fingers fidgeted beneath the table. Her mother, Vlair, rushed to her side and with one swift move she had already cut her wrist. Victoria smelt the metallic scent of the red liquid, confusion was all over her face as her body started to move on its own and then all she could remember were her mother’s screams and apology.

Meanwhile in the world where blood controls everything, there lived the infamous Vincent Randal from the Randal Clan. He was known for being brutal, mischievous, and all the Vampires in his time feared his mere name. He swore to his parent’s grave that he would take revenge against the Vangulf Clan who took everything from the three year old Vincent. The brutal king gracefully walked to the entrance of the Vangulf’s kingdom, a goofy smile plastered on his lips. The guards of the said kingdom quickly aimed their archers on Vincent and other warriors were ready to pounce at him but he seemed unfazed. With a snap of his hand arrows showered all over them, blood splattered everywhere looking like a red pool, groans and grunts were heard until the mighty king Victor decided to retreat.

The act done by king Victor only made Vincent’s smirk widen. He knew it would only take days before he surrenders everything to him. Before the sun got to rise he already ordered some of his men to retreat while the others patrol the walls of Victor’s kingdom. He is waiting for the right time to attack, he wanted a painful, disgusting, and bloody death for the mighty king – oh how he wanted to rip his head off.

The next day Victoria woke up in an unfamiliar room full of dust and spider webs. The walls were made from stone and the room looked very old fashioned that it made her panic yet calm inside. There was something in this place that felt like home.

She wandered alone, exploring through the walls until she ended up being grabbed in the arms. No, it wasn’t the romantic kind of grab, she was being forced in a pitch black room where she got locked the instant she was pushed. A low growl shocked her, followed by a hiss - then there she was staring at two red orbs staring back at her. It stared at her long enough to make her uncomfortable and so she looked away, unaware of the red tint forming on her cheeks. The man in front of her, Vincent, was taken aback from the unusual sight. He sensed she was more humane for his liking. Victoria grabbed the door knob in attempt to escape him and thankfully she was successful – or not. Vincent was raising his hand up so high while his blood oozed and flowed down to his arm. He wanted to know if she was a vampire regardless of the danger he’s gotten himself.

His instincts never failed him. One second the mysterious girl was about to leave him and she’s staring at his wrist like a thirsty new born vampire. There bond happened there and then. Vincent’s blood was now flowing through Victoria’s own, and he felt even more victorious than he ever was.

The following day, Victoria woke up in yet again strange room but now with her mother’s presence and an old looking guy beside the latter. The old man was all teary eyed as he looked at her then he hugged her real tight. She just let him hug her already knowing who this man was – her father. They spent hours of talking and telling each other how they missed them – really, it was a lovely sight if only their kingdom wasn’t being attacked.

King Victor, Victoria’s father, stopped laughing while they were conversing. Vlair felt it too and then Victoria only realized it later. The screams were heard loud and clear when the door to their room was slammed open. One of the guards was holding on his throat as he tried to speak up but failed, falling down on the floor. Victoria felt the urge to vomit but tried hard not to.

The glass windows shattered to pieces and it caught everyone’s attention. Especially Victoria’s and that was the purpose of his dramatic entrance. Vincent stood straight with pride on the balcony with a black rose on his hand. With a snap of his finger the rose was no longer what it was instead on his palm was a ring. It looked like an ordinary ring to Victoria but the fear Vlair had on her face told otherwise. It was indeed a ring that looked so ordinary no one would mistake it for an ancient ring that bonds two royal heirs as commitment to instantly stop a war.

Marriage was something uncommon for vampires, the mere fact that Vincent wanted Victoria didn’t favor the king at all. He thought that this move was the most unpredicted and dangerous for his kingdom, both vampire and human world, and his daughter herself. It was obvious he could have taken his kingdom with just a snap of his filthy fingers yet he wanted to take his most important and valued treasure.

Victoria understood the situation but did not think of the consequences thoroughly. There was something from inside her that pulls her to him. Is it because she drank his blood? She can never figure it out unless she asks him herself. The ring made her nervous and the pressure on her felt surreal. She thought, it was just marriage, that maybe she can divorce him when everything is settled. She’s eighteen now and she needs to decide for herself.

Vincent was amazed at how brave she tried to look, believe or not she finds her really interesting. His plan to marry her gave him the chance to be both king of two kingdoms and to achieve his goal to have his revenge. It was all going according to his plan and it only made him greed for more power.

Little did Victoria know the world is in her hands now that she decided to play his little game.

[itsnebulous]

IT WAS OKAY

It's okay not to be okay

Even it hurts like hell

Seeing you with someone else

It just like my heart break into small pieces

You don't have to worry

I'm happy seeing you happy

Even without me and with her

I'm bitterly happy with your new love story

[itsnebulous]

ME

Before, I'm just a simple person

I've been thinking what's the reson

It's too dark, my life is like a poison 

I'm stocked as if I'm in the prison 

Even in the corner of the darkness,

I'm ready to face my weaknesses 

I won't give up it's a sign of my braveness

I'll be like a star that always shine and brightness

[itsnebulous]

BEAUTIFUL DISASTER

You can see me as nothing

But i can see the worth of everything

You can see my life as a mess

But I consider it a worth living and a mess

Yes my life maybe a disaster

But I consider it a beautiful disaster

I am real and loving person

So please accept, appreciate and love me

[itsnebulous]

INDEFINITE ME

 Of all the people that can describe me, I am the most unlikely to know myself. I am like a water that fills a bottle. A water that follows the shape of the bottle I'm filling in. For every person I get along, I am different. My persona is dependent on how we click with one another. There could never be a definite "me". Don't ask me  or anyone who knows me "who is she" for you'll never get an answer. I challenge you, whoever you are to find it out yourself.

[itsnebulous]

YOU WERE MY PAST

You were my everything

I was now your nothing

You were my happy pill

But you've hurt me still

You were my universe 

Until everything turns worst

I missed you and your calls

And I still love you after all..

[itsnebulous]

YOU

You are the cigarette when im stressed

In your shoulder where i want to rest

You are the liquor that reveals the truth

You are a sin that provides me a fruit 

When you came i feel so blessed

You are my strength when my life is a mess

Yes i am addicted to you

Where are you?

[itsnebulous]

YOU

You are the one who make my heart flattering 

But now i see you with someone else my heart is aching

The memories we shared ut makes me happy

But in every memory, it makes me feel sadly

But thank you for leaving me

I've met someone what complete the whole me

So, don't act like i love you

And always remember that there was nothing between me and you.

[itsnebulous]

REPTILES

After a week of going home by myself, I went along with my friends. The sun was already setting as we were in line to ride the jeepney. I was seated beside Charry, my brain twin. Usually, when we are all going home together we tell storues about school but that day was different.

Despite her being my brain twin, I still have questions left for her. We were caught in thw middle of the hustle od the city while we started talking.

"Can you like tell me your skills/talents?" I asked. 

She admitted that she's not really talented. 

"I think I excel in public speaking, declaming or acting. I can also do graphic design ."

We have always liked reading books back when we were in JHS. So upon asking what's her favourite quote, I expected it to be from a novel we've read before but she said,

"Make work what's not working, work. Because you should always strive to make something happen, just because it seems impossible doesn't mean that you should give up." 

Her face suddenly turned serious. I could tell she meant it because for all I know whem she wants to do somthing, she really goes for it. We've known each other for a while now and I know how people aways find her intimidating so I asked her why so.

"Maybe because I always seem sophisticated and confident."

"But you're not really, are you?" I added

"Ok you read my mind again." We both giggled.

We were barely hearing each other when we got to the expressway.

"Aside from your crush, what else do you like?" I humoured.

"I like listening to music the most." She said with excitement.

"And you dislike?"

"REPTILES!!!" She almost screamed her answer but no ine noticed it because everyone was asleep.

"How come I didn't know you hate reptiles!" I said in surprise.

"Well now you do." She said sarcastically. "They're just so disgusting I can't even-" she said.

"Ok then but same." I agreed.

After that conversation, I realized thay even though we know each other so well already, I still always learn something new about her. The simplest things that we ought to know about our friends are sometimes what we tend to always forget or not know. Until I got home, I'm still shocked about her not liking reptiles.

[itsnebulous]

MI AMORE

This is the best photo that I have on my phone. This is not just a photo, it means a lot for me because in this all my promises are written; to love her to treasure her and to take good care of her. What I really love in this photo is the caption in the lower part "thru ups and downs" that's why even though were not okay, I still love her the way I did when I first felt that love. She taught me to be brave that's why I won't give up on her. I love you Mi Amore.

[itsnebulous]

RAZZIEBINX

He had those smile, a kind of galaxy filled with stars and meteors. I'll never get tired of him, he was my peace and happiness. His laugh and voice was a music to my ears and yet it make me felt that I'm the luckiest girl in this planet earth.

I'm hoping that someday, I would found someone as same as him. He was my idea of a man, who could treat a woman the way she deserves it.

[itsnebulous]

BUGAW

“How much do you cost?” is something an average person would find offensive. For most people these words only mean one thing and that is “opportunity”. Said people are the ones we call prostitutes or sex workers.

Prostitution is a gendered, sexualized, and racialized labor system, one that typically involves the exchange of sexual services for money, goods or other benefits. These prostitutes tended to have most recently worked as domestic workers, casual laborers, or farm laborers. This poor lifestyle is the main reason why prostitutes leave their last occupation for the obligation to provide sex services.

Furthermore the prostitutes tended not to use health care services due to perceived need to hide their identities, time constraints, and overly expensive health care. A study in India also showed that key factors for women adapting this lifestyle were lack of family support and inability to provide for themselves due to poverty and illiteracy. In the end do we realize what we end up to when we are in our downfall? However, we must know that Prostitution must not be an option!

[itsnebulous]

BAGUIO

"Travel is never a matter of money but of courage" - Paulo Coelho

We went to baguio because my sisiter is taking her board exam. We left saturday 1am. I was so excited because it was my first time to go to baguio.

We arrived to baguio around 5 in the morning. When i went down the bus, the cold breeze air welcomed me. After that we found the school where my sisiter taking the exam and we went to Burnham Park there were a lot of people that time. The colorful flowers welcomed us and the calm water of thw lagoon where boat riding but of course we will not miss the famous strawberry taho. After we searched at the google map where we should spend the night that is near at the school but of course we asked some people. The google map said it was 5 minutes walking. But it took us 20 minutes until we reach the house. After lunch we visited the Baguio Cathedral that is a catholic religious place in the city. You can see the stiff staircase connecting the cathedral to the main street of session. While walking you will able to see the beautiful artwork. And because we are coffee lovers we went to the Cafe by the Ruins after we visited Cathedral and Sm City. The next morning we woke up around 5am and that's the day of the exam of my sister. After exam we spend time in the Mines View Park. There were so many plants shops everywhere and the pines trees. As we went inside there is a stairs made of stones. The view there is a stairs made of stones. The view of the mountain from deck constructed for the park visitors it was so amazing and refreshing. As we go back at the entrance area we buy some souvenir like keychain strawberry jan and other more. Our last destination it is near in the mines view park it was 2 to 3 minutes walk, we visited the Good Shepherd Convent and we take some pictures.

It was a memorable experience, my wound on my feet is the symbol of happiness. Even though we are so tired, we really enjoyed a lot. I also feel sad because I will not able to feel the cold and fresh air but I will make sure that I will visit Baguio City again.