[excuse my crassness] how do you become ballsy / have a spine (aka stop being so people pleasing, say no, speak up for yourself and others etc) when you’ve dealt with years of being told to be submissive and agreeable?
i feel like the particulars of How To Do This and What This Looks Like will vary wildly depending on your environment, comfort levels, who you're interacting with, how you communicate, etc. so i can't give you a step-by-step guide -- but i CAN give you my most vital piece of advice:
this kind of "ballsiness" is a combination of 1) setting clear, firm boundaries and 2) pursuing what you want without caring what other people think
if you've grown up in a toxic household or been in a toxic relationship where your boundaries & desires are systemically ignored, undermined, mocked, or punished..... it is Going to be overwhelming to start pushing back against those expectations. like, pretty much no matter what. even if you're confident, consciously, that you can safely set boundaries & that you DESERVE to do so, there's a lot of subconscious negative reinforcement to work past. it can be a damn scary process!
you don't become fearless overnight. instead, start working on setting boundaries/asking for things with people you love & trust to respect you:
can we try not to call past 10pm on weeknights? i have class in the mornings
would you mind picking up the clutter left in this shared space?
i'm busy that day, what other times can we meet up?
i have to catch up on work tonight, could i reply to you tomorrow?
you don't have to be 100% confident and assertive here -- step one is to get comfortable expressing your needs at all! as time goes on, you'll start associating expressing said needs with positive outcomes instead of negative ones. that's often the confidence boost that can help you start establishing boundaries with strangers and professional acquaintances as well
i also HIGHLY recommend starting to do little things you want to do, even if you don't have a reason:
take a walk in a park just cuz you wanna go out
go check out an informal social group meeting at your local library (knitting, art, theater, book club.... lots of options)
pick up a new hobby just because!
quit your new hobby when you stop liking it!
reach out to people online who share your fandoms or hobbies!
get that pretty decoration or that nice shirt or that pricey coffee (assuming you're able to spend a couple bucks on yourself each week) just bc you want it!
rearrange your space to be how you like it!
every active step you take to create a life filled with your own desires will Also make you a shitload more confident. and happier to boot!
again, these are just examples - what you do will just depend on what you want and how you communicate. but it IS possible
best wishes to you, anon 💕