Lonely Planet @iwritepoetrysblog - Tumblr Blog

I don't use Tumblr for journaling, but earlier tonight, I experienced something that I wanted to write here. I hope anyone who is grieving and sees this, I hope you are healing, and know that you are not alone.

What happened was, I realized why I have been grieving my old self so much for a decade now, and it just hit me while writing a random reddit comment of it all, lol, but it was a post about "What do you still grief?.

I realized that I am still grieving, not just my old self, or the fact I lost my hearing at such a young age, but what I am still grieving is that I never got to meet myself. I never got to be a child.

I went from a fourteen or a fifteen year old overnight to an adult who had no idea what was going on or what happened to her and still continues to. My life went downhill in the blink of an eye. I was thrown into the fire without preparation. I was thrown into a world of madness and cruelty.

I wasn't ready for the world's ugliness, yet I was unprepared for what was to come.

I am still grieving the young me, the baby me that I have never got to meet, and I wish I could hold her. Not a day goes by, I don't miss her, and I am scared that she will never find out how much I really do miss her.

Time is strange and dull.

I wish I could put a blanket over her. Shield her from the harm. Tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her deeply.

I want to tell her,

"You were a child, the child in me, and the child I will never be, and the child I would never meet."

Not a day goes by. I don't grieve you.

I don't think of you.

You were so cool when I was younger, but you will never grow up to see her and to see what becomes of that coolness personified bona-fide human we both loved so much.

Because she wouldn't be the same since you left. She hasn't been her cool self. She hasn't been her charming self. She went from being a social bird to someone who doesn't even talk to people anymore. She likes being invisible and lonely.

She wants to hide from the world, and she is doing an incredible job at it. I don't even remember the last time I met her. She doesn't laugh anymore. She is not funny. I really miss her jokes. I miss that funny girl who made everyone laugh, and now she is just a fragment of her old self.

She lost it all, and she lost it with you, and I don't think I'm ever going to be as cool as you were.

We both know the reason she is still grieving you is because she will never live to her full potential.

It is like writing a book full of questions, but there is never an answer. She is a coward and she is so beautiful but I don't see it. I haven't seen the light in her eyes for years now.

"What happened to you?".

Don't answer, I already know.

But I want more.

I want to feel less invisible.

Less lonely.

Less ugly and less miserable.

It is like one night I went to sleep and all the light had gone out.

When I woke up the next day, it was never the same without you.

All the colors of my life died with you.

I don't know why you didn't take my body with you, too.

I'm just sitting here now.

Not knowing what to do because I know in the bottom of my heart that you will never return back to me.