Wild Writing

I write to feel light.

[iwritetofeellight]

First Love

because every once in a while you creep back into my thoughts and i wonder where my life would have been if you decided to give love a chance and let me in.

[thequotejournals]

Most friendships, if they end at all, end not by earthquake, but by erosion. Your time together, which you used to take for granted, becomes something you need to schedule. Slowly you’re aware that the easy intimacy you shared got lost somewhere. You talk more and more about the past.

Alex Robinson, Box Office Poison (via thequotejournals)

[thequotejournals]

When they were together like that, they had been their own private universe, bounded just by themselves, a population of two. They were the world, and the world was them.

Patrick Ness, More than this (via thequotejournals)

[iwritetofeellight]

expectations are the root of all heartache.-Shakespeare

Here’s the thing, you expect others to treat you with the same amount of love, respect, and compassion as you deliver, but that’s just not the case. This is where you’re different. So, how many disappoints will it take for you to walk away? For you to realize that you deserve better than what has been given to you after all these years. How long do you allow your heart to hang heavy within your chest, answering each how are you with a simple “I'm fine.”

I get it. You like the idea of living in the light of raw vulnerability, but everything to leave your fingertips is polished because you’re scared of what will happen when the brick wall you built finally crumbles. While that is valid given your history, it is no way to live. You’ve been more honest with a roomful of strangers than the people who stand by you because it’s easier to expose your heart to a room of people you may never see again.

Because you’ve had these words sitting on the tip of your tongue for a month but never quite found the courage to open your mouth because you’ve done that before. You've laid everything out in the open and allowed your heart to fall in someone else’s hands only to be disappointed. Only to discover this person is not ready for the universe that is you. So you started to silence yourself, toned down the bits of you that you believed were the most exquisite of all because a few people couldn’t handle it.

The most heartbreaking part, through all of the hurt, you only blamed yourself. You never attached the blame to the name of the individual who caused it because you’ve always known humans are flawed creatures. You've always supplied love, patience, and understanding because you know how it feels to be told your feelings are invalid. For the mistakes, you’ve made to be thrown back in your face when you’re only trying to grow and you refuse to be a part of that cycle.

While it may appear like I've gone on a wild tangent, it loops back around. You're just tired and a little lost, trying to figure out how everything in your own life falls together. You don’t take much time to truly process the shit that goes on in your mind, at least not over the past month, because you haven’t taken the time to write things out. Rather you’ve pushed it to the back of your mind or escaped to the ocean or mountains just to scream. Or maybe you’ve just been way too caught up in your responsibilities of life and taking care of everyone else that this whole time you’ve been neglecting yourself. Because as you type this your eyes begin to swell and a tear drips down your cheek. Because it’s been a while since you’ve felt the way you do and if you tried to put it into your words, you wouldn’t be able to. You would simply say, "I feel off and I don’t feel like myself.”

So yeah, maybe this a rant that runs in different directions, but that is because yesterday I sat in front of the ocean and gave my mind the chance to run rampant. As time passed, I discovered what I wrote above and much more.

There's always a world buried beneath the surface of a person, a world kept hidden to the outside world.

[iwritetofeellight]

The First Time

The first time I fell in love was with a man who was tender, soft-spoken and whose laughter soothed the darkest storms within my soul. He was a musician in passion but brewed coffee to fund the bills. We met one rainy day in April five years ago over a cup of joe and I still remember our first conversation vividly. Things between us moved at a rapid rate, as most relationships I often experience do, and we spend more nights together than apart in the beginning. One of my fondest memories is the week we escaped to a cabin and I read you my very own poetry, which was a first for me. Something about your presence always calmed me down, from the moment we met you felt like home. We had no intentions of falling in love with one another and the timing our relationship simply wasn’t right. You experienced a bout of depression and I tried my best to be there for you, but I eventually broke. You wished to be alone for weeks at a time and I needed just a little bit to know that you were okay. You were the first person who taught me how to love and you have inspired some of my greatest work. We had a difficult parting fro, one another for the course of a year and a half as the breaks never seemed to help because we always fell back into one another. It was not until we met other people did we finally learn to let go. My friend swears you are the one for me, simply by the way you eyes greet my body when I am not paying attention as if pure love emitted from your simply gaze. We met one random night over a year ago prior to my move to California over a beer and we opened up to each other one last time. In that brief encounter, it felt as if no time at all has passed between us; as if the love and the connection we felt for one another so many years ago was still present. You, my sweet, sweet darling, will always be important to me. A place in my heart you will forever stay.

[iwritetofeellight]

I choose happiness.

I choose happiness from here on out. I choose endless adventure. I choose to face my fears head on. I choose to follow my intuition and to chase my dreams. I choose to live a life that is lavish and lush with memories and experiences because I do not wish to wake up 40 years from now with a pit in my stomach as I think of all the things I could have done but chose not to. I do not expect life to always be happy go lucky or for life to always go my way. I am fully aware of the reality of the world in which we live and that life is filled with shit stacked on shit sometimes. Yet, I choose to accept the negatives alongside the positives and to chug forward as best as I can because life is so unbelievably short and time is flying. because i am a dreamer who lives with her head amongst the clouds. i am a poet who feels everything deeply and is equally expressive. i am young and naive with a world of lessons and growth waiting for me in the future. because i am human, therefore i am imperfect, flawed and doing the best that i can to actually live my life instead of just existing within the world. because i lived mindlessly for years and felt empty and i no longer wish to. because i would much rather be the young woman with poet heart and dreamer mentality and experience as much of the world as i can than to sit idle.

[iwritetofeellight]

I wonder how I would’ve ended up if you hadn’t walked into my life.

but seriously…if you hadn’t walked into my life when you did i would not be sitting where i am right now, would i? because that is how life works right? one small moment, one person, one little fucking thing can alter the course of your life. like whaaaaaaaat? i can’t even begin to imagine my life if i hadn’t met you, because quite frankly i do not wish to. you and i were not always great and if i am honest with myself, i should have left way before i did but i loved you with a love so fierce i never thought i would stop. and you, you were…words cannot begin to describe how i felt about you. all the poems combined do not properly convey the affection and gratitude i felt towards you. now, we hardly speak to one another but that is okay because our story has run its course. i will forever have a tender spot for you in heart kid because you got me to the place that i needed to be and now i am out here living my life, chasing my dream…and i am finally happy.

[iwritetofeellight]

Wild Writing!

Good morning kids! I am taking a shift in this blog post. Instead of prompts as titles, I will use quotes as inspiration. The pieces you read will be written in 5 minutes of less, raw and untouched. There will be spelling and grammar mistakes for that is part of the exercise. 

[iwritetofeellight]

There are often three reasons for something: the reason we tell others, the reason we tell ourselves, and the real reason. Write about the war among the three.

The war revolves around image, and how we are perceived by those surrounding us. The real reason is raw, which is something many people don't wish to share so publicly. Often times something we cannot necessarily admit to ourselves. The reason we tell ourselves is often sugar coated and filled with excuses. We think mind over matter, I try to convince myself of it enough, it will eventually happen right? Now all that is left is the reason we tells others; it is often an shared as an omission of the truth for the sheer fact that it's an easy out. We avoid the harsh critique, or maybe the embarrassment or shame from being honest. We hide a part of it, or often times lie all together. Maybe it would be less confusing if I gave an example. THE REAL REASON! I would like to create my company, because I have the passion, drive and dedication. However he fear over runs my mind and I decide to push it to the back of my mind. THE REASON WE TELL OURSELVES! If it is meant to happen, it will. The right pieces will fall into place or I will receive a sign from the universe, and then I will do it. THE REASON WE TELL OTHERS! Others have no idea, I simply tell them I am unaware of what I want to do with the rest of my life because it is easier than explaining my fear or ass backwards reasoning.

[iwritetofeellight]

What's stored in your closet?

currently, nothing but a pile a shoes i have yet to pack. in approximately 6 days, i will be packing up my little honda civic and moving across the country. it's an adventure i have always dreamed of doing, but something i did not think i was capable of until lately.

[iwritetofeellight]

Write an anonymous letter to a stranger detaling the things you have learned about life.

Dear You, Take what I say with a grain of salt for I am still young and have much to learn; if anything, I believe I can add a different perspective to your current way of thinking. There will be no order to these, merely the way each lesson pops into my head: 1. If you are in high school, oh child, you are just beginning your life. What appears to be the end of the world now, will be something you laugh about years later. High school is where you begin asking the life questions: What do you want to do with the rest of your life, being the biggest question of them all. As someone who had no idea in high school, and continued to have no idea in college, I am here to tell you that is alright. Just because you are taking longer than others, does not mean you are a failure. Remember that. 2. Live your life for you! Now, while that appears like common sense, there is a tendency you may get wrapped up in the future everyone else wants you to have. Follow your own dreams, create your own path because you only get one shot at life. 3. Don't give up! 4. Softness is not a weakness! I have always believed in living life in raw vulnerability, it does not matter which aspect. Vulnerability and being soft are not flaws, nor are they a weakness. If anything, they are courageous. To allow yourself to be seen in your rawest form, well that is nothing short of bravery. I will always care a little more, love a little harder, and stay by someone longer than I should. And I hope by doing so, I create a long lasting impact on his or her life. I hope to open their eyes to the kindess and love that the world has to offer, to rid their minds just a little of the cynicism that most likely runs it. I will always choose love. I will always choose to live in the light of raw vulnerability. (Fact: I have experienced much more out of life than someone who decides to be hard, with great risk, comes great reward.) 5. Love with all your heart, and when you are lucky enough to find it, fight for it! Now, here is a section I would like everyone to please ponder a little bit more please. Love is rare, and if you don't believe me: Ask yourself, if it were easy, wouldn't everyone have it? 6. Relationships are like a flower, they require tender, love and care. You have to work at your relationship everyday. While yes, some days are a piece of cake, there are days where you need to work a little harder, love a little bit more, be a little more understanding. I think the biggest bit is, never stop learning about the person you are with. As humans we are everchanging, we are growing. As a result, the person you are with is evolving a little bit each day, so don't act like you know everything about them, because chances are you don't. But through it all, a relationship is a two way street and someone you should geuninely enjoy. If the relationship feels like a chore, you're not doing it right. 7. Family is most important, always. And I'm not just talking about the ones related to you by blood. The people around you that offer the love and support to keep you going, are people you should always cherish. Do not take them for granted, do not shit on them. I am sure there are more life lessons, but this is all I can think of thus far.

[iwritetofeellight]

How You Feel About Love These Days

When I think about love, I think about you: Our relationship cannot be restricted to the contexts of a label. Our relationship does not fit a mold and cannot be summarized by a sequence of events. Our relationship is defined by what is experienced behind closed doors, where reality seizes to exist and our limbs lay intertwined. It is defined by the tears , the laughter followed by your infectious grin, the mumbling between breaths as I stumble to find the right words, and the moments where words are not necessary to convey how we feel. The moments that simply feel right, as if our sheer presence is enough to define the love we share. Our relationship is imperfect and messy, yet it is also wonderful and creates a newfound sense of happiness I have yet to experience. You are my favorite person. I love you.

[iwritetofeellight]

Finish the sentence that begins “What I’ve always wanted to say is...”

I am not weak, I have never been weak. I have always been strong, even when all I wish to do is fall apart. I love hard, and I do not scare easily. I put up with a lot of shit and somehow at the end of it I am still smiling. You may view it as my kindness being taken advantage of, but you are wrong. It takes courage, patience and a kind heart to be who I am, and a lot of optimism to keep me going. My muchness has and never will be a flaw.

[iwritetofeellight]

I apologize for being so MIA with posts, my life has been a little chaotic lately. I do hope to get everything up and running again shortly. And a thank you to all the marvelous people who follow me, it means more than you know ❤️

[iwritetofeellight]

Where will you be exactly one year from this moment?

I could be a number of places. I could be across the country with my lover, or in a small apartment living it up with my best friend. I could be a college student returning for her second degree or on a trip halfway around the world. I could be in love or falling apart. There is an endless amount of possibilities and I will not know until happens.

[iwritetofeellight]

That person your mother always warned you about

My mother always warned me about boys like you, and I use the term boy because a real man would not act so childish. My mother always said I would find a boy with a gorgeous smile and a wit to combat my own. She said being with him would feel…well it would feel surreal, magical, and unlike any love I had experienced before. That this boy would waltz into my life, and with the infinite amount of love in my heart, I would slowly begin to lose my sense of self. I would try to force the pieces of myself into the molds he had created. While I was a smart girl with a good head on my shoulders, I was naïve when it came to love and life no matter the amount of times I had been burned. You see, I have always been the type of person to trust easily and to fall in love even easier for what is life if you cannot live raw and vulnerably. As a result, when boys like you appear, I am intrigued to peel back the layers and figure out who you truly are. While at first, the relationship may appear wonderful, even perfect to outsiders, it is not at all what it appears to be later on. You will make me feel as if I am hard to love, and the parts of me that I consider my flaws will be magnified by you. I will allow you to take advantage of me; because you have an infinite amount of charm to make me believe that everything will change and be okay. My mother warned me about boys who prey on the innocent, and truth be told, you make me sick.

[iwritetofeellight]

What you've kept

I have kept little pieces of everyone I have ever met, and from those pieces I am ever evolving.