The truth is out there

This blog is just for me to post my stories, rants, poems, etc on here.

[j0inm3indeath]

Okay I had to do a woman crush Wednesday only because she is a total babe. Ugh, Gillian Anderson from the X Files. She's so perfect ..like I honestly think she is absolutely beautiful. Jesus christ. :") #gilliananderson #xfiles #danascully #scully

[j0inm3indeath]

I made chicken, sweet potatoes, & spinach. Get at me. #yagirlsachef

[j0inm3indeath]

The things I find in my brothers car while cleaning it out . Idek

[j0inm3indeath]

This is legit what happens when I try taking a picture off my new phone

[aflawedfashion]

Anybody miss me?

[j0inm3indeath]

Loosing your best friend is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Knowing that I have grown so emotionally close to three of girls whom all shared so much in common, and were thought to be the best group of friends we have ever had. Then loosing them one by one within a couple months time in between each. 

Leaving you all alone.

I have made three best friends and I have lost all three within one year.

We have simply lost each other. We do not talk and we do not look at each other.

Funny how things change because today would have been a full year of friendship with one of my closest friends.

Isn't it odd how life can change so fast right before your eyes. One moment your sharing pretty much everything and anything with your best friend and the next day you two are not friends anymore, and you find she has easily replaced you.

I reminisce all the times we have shared following all the memories we make, and I cry every time I think about sharing those memories with each of them. Because they helped me know why I am alive and helped to give my life some meaning.

Now they're all gone and we no longer communicate. Weird how much time we have spent together is just now thrown away, and I cant help but think if things could have been different would that have changed the end? Or was this simply meant to be? Am I not supposed to have a best friend like that?

Because my heart is telling me not to grow too close to anyone at least for a long time.

And I believe that if this was meant to be then it was simply meant to be.

[j0inm3indeath]

1: post a selfie?

2: do you wear makeup? what makeup do you put on?

3: do you prefer dark or light haired guys/ girls?

4: what's your favorite song at the moment?

5: what was the last song you listened to?

6: do you have a tumblr crush?

7: who is your tumblr crush?

8: what are you doing right now?

9: do you have any siblings?

10: what's you ethnicity?

11: what's your favorite subject in school?

12: what's your favorite color?

13: what's your favorite sports team?

14: what's your favorite ice cream flavor?

15: when did you make your tumblr?

16: how many followers do you have?

17: do you like where you live?

18: is your room super messy or really clean?

19: do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

20: do you prefer pens or pencils?

[j0inm3indeath]

Do you ever just become so infatuated with a tv series? To the point where everything that they do on the show is perfect and you relate your real life sitiations back to that show. Or you compare other shows to that one show, thinking how amazing this show is and how others cant even compare. The characters are perfect and you just want to show them off to the world.

Yeah cause that's exactly how I feel everyday about the X Files.

[j0inm3indeath]

Your mind has a constant battle going back and forth and back and forth between not eating and eating.

When you finally eat something you feel sick even if it's a small portion, and when you don't eat something you feel like you're going mad. You feel the sudden urge to binge, and act belligerent towards others that are just trying to help.

It sucks seeing all these girls perfectly thin, constantly comparing yourself to them. Thinking how they got so lucky to have such a beauty that they behold. When you look in the mirror you get disappointed because you aspire to look like someone else, someone else who has a "flawless" face and all around body. You get upset and this escalates to something more than just an upset teen wishing to look different.

You take it out on yourself all because you despise the way you look, the way you were created.

Reality hits and you have to except everyone is different and there is not going to be another you in this whole entire planet. Everyone has different bone structure, boob size, butt size, height, weight, etc because no two people were made to look exactly the same.

However the way you look is beautiful because the human body is a work of art. A work of art that should not be tampered with in an attempt to look exactly how another human looks.

Everyone is different but we all share the same emotions, it is universal. Weather you're depressed, anxious, surprised, overwhelmed, happy, sad, angry, etc we share the same feelings.

We all understand what its like to be envious towards another human being and that's okay because its part of life.

The reality that you cant look like someone you aspire to be hits you and there will be a day where you will except this, and will move on.

Except and love your flaws because those are the aspects of you that make you different from every other human being on this planet. Flaws are the traits every person has, weather you're Beyoncé, Ricky Olson, Justin Timberlake, Johnny Depp, Oprah....... we all have flaws and little quirks that makes us different from each other.

"To move on is to grow" (We came as Romans)

Once you accepts these flaws within you, that you're different then you're already growing as a person.

There will be a day where you realize there is absolutely no need starve yourself, harm yourself, kill yourself, make yourself throw up and endure the pain you believe you deserve for being such a flawed human being.

There will be a day where you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Where you see the beauty not only all around you but within yourself.

[j0inm3indeath]

I love that chilling feeling you get in your bones when it gets cold out.

The cool, crisp air of Autumn when the sun isn't too bright but the sky is a beautiful crystal clear blue color and you cant help but gaze up into in to it pondering about certain aspects of your life.

Laying down on the cool green grass just gazing up into the sky with the breeze going through your body, leaving you with chills and goose bumps.

I love it when the leaves crunch under your feet as you walk when they fall off the trees. 

I love all the Halloween decorations in people's houses, and the pumpkin flavored food, scented candles, and drinks.

Just waking up one morning with the air nice and chilling and blue with a select few clouds in the sky. The select few that are as fluffy and soft looking as cotton candy, and are as white as what people imagine heaven being.

Waking up and making a steaming cup of tea or coffee, picking out your favorite mug to drink it in. Sitting in outside or by the window admiring the world around you and for a couple moments you actually feel free of all thought. You finally feel at ease,  your mind feeling as empty and light as the clouds in the sky.

Being able to lay in a comfortable bed with blankets all around you, wrapping yourself up so tightly that it becomes hard to escape.

Watching your favorite movies or reading a good book for the pleasure of reading or watching a good film.

Meditating later on clearing your mind of all thought, and lighting a candle or incense creating a fresh smell in your bedroom.

For those moments are some of the most placid and easy going times in life that you can spend by yourself and truly empty your mind of all thoughts.

[lucyllawless]

[j0inm3indeath]

I just want to fall asleep and not wake up...You know?

[j0inm3indeath]

HOLY SHIT THE LAST EPISODE OF SEASON FOUR OF THE X FILES MADE ME CURL INTO A FETAL POSTION ON THE FLOOR. NO JOKE.

[j0inm3indeath]

The "I want to believe" poster in Mulder's office in the show the X Files.

My all time favorite show, everything is masterfully put together between the characters the plot, etc. I could not have picked another show to watch and become infatuated with.

Once you watch the X Files your really cant stop.

[j0inm3indeath]

Of course writing about the dark and morbid side of my mind yet again, but may I remind all whom visit my blog or read my creations ..this is my blog and I have a freedom of what to say. If you do not like me or what I write than you can kindly unfollow or stop reading my pieces.

**********

Sometimes I fantasize about sitting on the ledge on the gap of the train tracks. Some aspect......something about the whole concept I assume intrigues me greatly. I feel as if the train tracks are calling my name and soon they will consume me. Although I don't mind, I really don't mind at all if one day that's how its supposed to be. I mean really death is inevitable so in the end would it really even matter if I die now? I may or may not be missed but take into consideration that after a couple weeks maybe even days it will all be over and everyone will forget.

People die all the time and the rest of us greedy and arrogant humans decide to put on a little act because nobody cares unless you're dead or highly attractive.

 Frankly I am neither but something in my mind....maybe my ego enjoys spending time at the train station just sitting there. Enabling my mind to wonder, going into the very depths of my mind ..the morbid side.

Observing the train racing past me leaving behind a curious Kat and a whirl of wind chilling my bones going up my spine. Sometimes I wonder what if would be like to be in front of the train as it goes quickly by, continuing on with its life and everyone on the train.

Some aspect of this gets me thinking..it makes me curios. Yet we all know curiosity killed the kitty kat, and my levels of curiosity go far beyond my reach.

Train stations are a placid place for my mind to do deep thinking, just by myself going into the depths of my mind. It fascinates me....I just want to sit there forever. I don't want to be bothered by anyone or anything, I just want to spend my time there watching the trains race by. With each time I feel my curiosity becomes harder and harder to control.

I don't know what it is but I find comfort and light in the dark and morbid aspects in life.

[j0inm3indeath]

I'm just one fucked up kid.

[j0inm3indeath]

"That which does not kill you just fucks with your mind."

I hate to be so negative at times because I really try to be a positive person but at times yes it does get difficult.

Depression, eating disorders, and such begin in the mind. These "illnesses" are really just a state of mind, it all begins with small negative thinking that escalates over time. Such like a snowball effect, it just goes on and on becoming more darker and violent as the time evolves.

A person who seems to be just an average human being can think of just one negative aspect they do not like of themselves. After a while they begin to surround themselves with negative energy, negative people, negative thinking, and all around negativity.

Sometimes the person even radiates a negative wave of energy, or other times this person keeps their emotions within themselves.

Then the snowball effect occurs when the person consistently picks out aspects of themselves they do not like and only focus on those. It only becomes worse if they do not recognize what is happening, if they do not recognize their ego is manipulating their whole body at this point.

In the end when they finally "see the light" so to speak, or finally come to the realization their life is worth living.. or see some sort of sign for salvation. It could be years afterwards and in their mind...all the way in the back of their mind their ego will always be there.

Those monsters...the voices inside your head that drove you to almost ending your life are still in your mind. They wont leave and you will become mad. They will drive you insane because you once thought they were gone for good but you find your ego slowly creeping up on you yet again like a dark cloud following you around.

They wont go away. One "bad" or negative thought...one rough day and you find your ego is right back at it again. Maybe you wont notice within that time but it will all come back eventually.

Because these monsters in your head wont stop until you're fucking dead.