how i view trust as an aspd
the short answer,, i dont. at all. lol. post over, thank you for coming.
the essay type answer,
my therapist and i recently had a conversation about my inability to trust other people and the more i think about the past, the more i believe that to be true. but it does make sense that a person conditioned to be hyper vigilant would have such trust issues.
i think that at times, im not a person that should be trusted myself. loyalty is a foreign concept to me. i have lied, i have cheated, i have manipulated... naturally, wouldnt it make sense for me to have my guard up in case another person tries to do the same? i know it all too well, after all. some people that i have met have definitely put me off in some way or another so trust was immediately out of the question. everyone is like this around those they are suspicious of. my issue, though, is that i am suspicious of absolutely everyone.
i have this problem where i immediately take everything as a threat. i think in outcomes. and for some reason, i think that everyone around me also thinks in this manner. i could receive a compliment from a person, and even if their intentions were good, i cant help but think about what that person is hoping to gain from doing that. because all of my actions are goal driven. and this is nothing against the person, they couldve been genuine &&. meant well. but i cant get past the possibility that they could be scheming. even if they have no reason to.
i really dont want anyone's pity when it comes to this next bit. but i believe it to be important for what i am trying to explain. growing up in an abusive home requires you to adopt this trait. i would go to sleep with knives under my pillow in case my mother decided she had enough of me that day. i had to monitor my parents every move in order to asses how they would respond to something. whether they would get angry with me for asking for field trip money.. or if they wouldnt mind it... to analyze how they would speak to each other on a certain day to predict wether i would end the night in bed or with the police at my home... so many things. even setting my glass down on the counter in the wrong way could set them off. what im trying to say is that i have had to be so hyper vigilant over several years that i have never been able to let it go, even as an adult. i suppose,, its a protective mechanism, as they say. being more aware led to better predictions. and better predictions began leading to better preparations.
when meeting another person for the first time, especially while masking, i am very deliberate about what i say to them &&. how i say it. if i say the wrong thing, they could use it against me in some way. if i do the wrong thing, the same happens. i cant be present with other people because i just cant stop thinking. all i do is think. i always need to set myself up in a way that allows me the most psychological distance from the other person. one wrong move and i make myself vulnerable. there is nothing worst to me than being vulnerable because that would mean i lost control. i always try to have a tight grip on control. even online, i get suspicious of a lot of people. when i receive messages, i cant help myself. i start trying to figure out what the person could possibly want with me. and its worse when their intentions arent made clear. my therapist keeps trying to remind me that some people actually just want to talk to me and expect nothing from it. that some people are nice enough to just compliment you without expecting anything in return. and while i can sort of understand this idea, its a risk i cant take. because what if i do trust and i get screwed over? i screw people over all of the time.. i just hate when it happens to me.. so i would rather put myself in a position where it cant happen at all. are people truly capable of being good people just for the sake of it? humans are so inherently selfish. all of them are. i cant be entirely convinced that some are just good.
as i said, its the control that i am so obsessed with. i need to be in control of everything that happens to me. otherwise, i am lost. i dont think i could ever trust someone. i would never put my fate in the hands of another person to begin with. even if i wanted to, there is something inside me that stops me,, as if my entire body knows that its wrong. i need to always be prepared, should something happen. because i dont see people as good. i have seen what they are capable of. and i need to be prepared for everything.
