andrew

it's okay if you only save one person, and it's okay if that person is you.

[jacksnwangs]

Lol, I don't mind long messages at all ;) Anyway, I wanted to request snapshots of Jihoon's perspective. You know how you rewrote the major scenes in Yoongi's perspective? I was wondering like, what was Jihoon thinking when he suggested that Jimin should date Yoongi, when he saw Yoongi come home crying, when they got married, etc. Thank you! ;) (Also I literally just read so many of your Yoonmins and I love your angst so much, I recced your fics on bantanficrecs, I don't know if you saw. xD)

does anyone even follow me anymore? i know it's been literal years since you asked this and unfortunately, i don't know that i'll follow through and finish all the scenes, but i did in the past couple years write a solid 6k of jihoon perspective so i thought i'd post a little bit just to honor this very very old request! and who knows. i miss writing a lot and even though i'm not really on the rpf/kpop fic train anymore, i love the relationships i created with jihoon as an oc so it's not impossible i finish this as a whole story one day soon ;)

you definitely need to read the original when you're in love all the lines get blurred for this one to make sense

i.

Jihoon is fourteen when he answers the phone, Jimin already partway through whining a complaint as the connection completes. There’s the rough crackle of static that he’s gotten used to from his old, hand-me down flip phone and then he hears, “… that I’m gay and she laughed at me!”

It’s said with that can you even believe it! kind of tone that makes it seem like Jihoon should know what’s going on and he should be on Jimin’s side. Jihoon, as is usually true, does not know what’s going on, and probably wouldn’t even if he’d caught the first half of Jimin’s sentence, but, as is always true, he is on Jimin’s side.

He tucks away Jimin’s casual announcement away to consider later, if he can remember to, and focuses on the more pressing issue: “She laughed at you?” Jimin makes an enthusiastic noise, which Jihoon hears clearly as thank god, you understand, before launching back into a rant about his mom and not being taken seriously. It gives Jihoon the same sense of pride he feels when a teacher calls on him because they know he isn’t paying attention and he gets the answer right anyways.

Jihoon follows the conversation, making vague sounds to express outrage and sympathy at all the right points until he hears a faint knocking through the line and Jimin hurries to end the call with a grateful and cheery, “love you, bye!”

Jihoon does not, in fact, remember to address the part where Jimin just came out to him.  

ii.

Jihoon is sixteen when he has to spend half a week needling Jimin to find out why he’s been using every free period to pout and stare longingly out windows like a weekday drama character. When he finally does get Jimin to cop to marathon moping, the two of them slumped against each other on Jihoon’s bed with their backs against the wall, Jimin still tries to get away with mumbling, “It’s nothing, just a… little argument with my mom.”

“Oh,” Jihoon says, because Jimin never fights with his mom, or anyone, really, and he can’t remember the last time Jimin was even annoyed with her. Until he does, and he says, a little too excited, “Oh! Did you try to tell her you’re gay again?”

Jimin blanches, immediately, and Jihoon can’t fathom why he’s got that wide-eyed, stricken look on his face. It’s not like Jihoon cares. He’s never thought twice about it, not once in the years since he found out, not even long enough to tease Jimin about how much he blushed and stammered when that one handsome teacher from the dance studio complimented him on his improving skill.

“I-I-I,” He stutters, and Jihoon briefly wants to make the joke about how nervous that guy makes Jimin now, but he waits, because he lives mostly to embarrass Jimin but there’s a time and a place and this probably isn’t it. Jimin abruptly scrambles away from Jihoon, nearly falling off the bed in his rush to create some distance, “How did you know?”

“What do you mean, how did I know? You told me!” It never occurred to Jihoon that it might be a big deal. The first time, Jihoon had accepted it just as casually and easily as Jimin had said it. If Jimin had sat him down to have a big coming out moment like they sometimes do in American movies, Jihoon probably would’ve said something at least vaguely nice to fit the moment. “Did you forget?”

“You never said anything!” Jimin accuses instead of admitting he totally forgot he came out to his best friend in the middle of complaining about his mom one time, like, two years ago.

“Why would I say anything? You’re the one who’s gay!”

“Stop saying that,” Jimin demands. Jihoon swallows back a petulant ‘but you are’.  No one is home, Jihoon knows, and Jimin probably does too, but he still glances furtively towards the door like someone might hear. There’s another sarcastic comment, as there usually is, on the tip of Jihoon’s tongue – something disparaging about his older brother, no doubt.

Probably also thinking about Yoongi, Jimin suddenly asks, without looking at Jihoon, “Did you tell anyone?” He’s so tense it seems painful, hands closing into fists around Jihoon’s wrinkled bed spread, smoothing Jihoon’s own defensive edge into something more sympathetic.

“Who would I tell?” Jihoon replies softly. Sure, he’ll whine and argue when Yoongi makes some passing comment about Jihoon only having one friend because Yoongi sucks, but it’s not like he’s wrong. He’ll pretend to be bitter about it, but, in reality, Jimin and Jihoon have been friends for sixteen years and Jihoon’s never seen the need for anyone else. And, contrary to popular (read: Yoongi’s) belief, Jihoon isn’t a huge asshole. If he did have someone worth telling, even if he thought Jimin wouldn’t care who knows, he wouldn’t have.

Jimin accepts this without further argument, maybe because he’s acknowledging that Jihoon is a better friend than that and wouldn’t spill secrets that aren’t his to share, but probably because he also knows they are an exclusive duo.

They fall into a long silence, Jimin panicking while Jihoon sits very still and hopes Jimin will come to his own conclusions. The facts are obvious – Jihoon has known for two years, and Jihoon has known while believing Jimin wanted Jihoon to know, and absolutely nothing about their friendship has changed. If Jihoon was going to care, if Jihoon was going to spread rumors and turn his back on his best friend, he would’ve done it by now.

Jimin seems to get there, eventually, but he still whispers, too full of doubt, “you really don’t care?

Jihoon drags Jimin back into his side by grabbing him loosely around his neck and yanking him into a headlock. He rests his cheek against the top of Jimin’s head, keeping him close, and promises, “You are the same person you’ve always been.”

iii.

Jihoon is eighteen when he gets a text from his best friend saying, apropos of nothing, “I’m an idiot.”

He doesn’t ask why. Jimin doesn’t explain.

Jihoon texts back, “i think you meant ‘a dumbass’ but ok.”

iv.

Jihoon isn’t sure exactly how long Jimin’s been lying next to his bed. He didn’t pay much attention when Jimin came in and shut the door with an irritated huff. In fact, Jihoon didn’t even look up from his phone, recognizing the sound of Jimin’s heavy footfalls on the steps leading up to his bedroom before the door opened. Jimin might have texted to say he was coming, the message buried somewhere in any number of notifications Jihoon has been ignoring for the sake of doing nothing else, but it’s just as likely he showed up unannounced.

He’s been sighing at freakishly perfect one minute and forty second intervals – Jihoon counted the time between five in a row after the first dozen before getting bored – since he arrived and threw himself bodily onto the floor of Jihoon’s bedroom, which is certainly unclean.

Jimin will keep sighing and Jihoon will keep pretending he doesn’t notice, not because he doesn’t care, but because he knows better. If he tries to ask what’s wrong, Jimin will insist it’s nothing, and then worry about why Jihoon thought something was wrong, and then he’ll get self-conscious about how his face looks and what his voice sounds like and act weird and robotic because he’s trying so hard to make it seem like everything is fine and then it’ll take an extra three days for Jimin to actually talk about whatever it is he’s sighing about. It’s better to let Jimin huff and puff until he’s built up enough steam to bring it up himself.

The rhythm of Jimin’s angst becomes strangely soothing, turning into such a relaxing backdrop to Jihoon’s mindless scrolling that he’s somewhere near half-asleep by the time Jimin speaks.

“What am I gonna do?” The question prompts Jihoon closer to consciousness. Jimin keeps talking, but Jihoon only has the chance to process the word “boyfriend” before he’s dropping his phone and rolling away from the wall to glare at Jimin.

“You got a boyfriend?” Jihoon feels a genuine hurt, thinking that Jimin, who Jihoon has always supported without question and very few (genuine) complaints, would keep secrets from him.

“No,” Jihoon is pleased to see that Jimin looks as scandalized as he feels. “That’s the whole problem,” he continues, and then asks again, because it apparently wasn’t rhetorical, “what am I going to do?”

Jihoon suggests he fake a breakup, the easiest solution, but Jimin is right that it won’t work. Ending the life of a lie quickly is, of course, ideal, but lies are best when there are some messy loose ends that just can’t be tied up or explained away. Having a few holes in your story can make it more believable, as long as you’re careful about where you leave them.

Jihoon also suggests Jimin gets a boyfriend, which is a win-win. Maybe even a win-win-win. Jimin’s mom believes he’s gay, win. Jimin has a boyfriend, big win.  Jihoon’s best friend is happy, the biggest win of them all.

And, sure, Jimin has a point. If it were that easy to find someone to date, Jimin would have brought one home back when he was fourteen and his mom laughed at him, and Jihoon would not be counting the seconds between Jimin’s exhales at three in the afternoon on a beautiful spring Saturday, and Yoongi would have something to do other than sleep for twelve hours at a time and somehow still be the crankiest man alive.

Jimin visibly gives up when Jihoon declines to be Jimin’s fake boyfriend, easily the worst idea either of them has ever suggested. What should happen is Jihoon should be sympathetic and comforting, while they conclude Jimin will admit he lied and continue to live his life as he has been. If the two of them thought about it for maybe, like, fifteen more minutes they would realize that Jimin’s mom refusing to accept his identity is unfair and hurtful but ultimately inconsequential. That, eventually, Jimin will naturally find a genuine relationship and he will introduce that person to his mom because he wants to share his life with them, not because he wants this specific acknowledgment from his otherwise loving mother.

However, what actually happens, because Jihoon does not believe in thinking about things for more than one minute, and because Jimin looks kind of pathetic and more importantly, sad, and Jihoon simply will not stand for that, is Jihoon grapples for any other plan, just anything to get Jimin’s enthusiasm back. What actually happens is, Jihoon says, “My brother’s gay!”

Jimin doesn’t look like he believes Jihoon, even when Jihoon lays out his very strong evidence of Yoongi kissing boys sometimes like, five years ago. Yoongi never said he was gay, sure, but in Jihoon’s defense, Yoongi didn’t say much of anything, especially not to him, and especially not when Yoongi was in high school. The most they ever talked about it, Jihoon thinks, is after the third time when Yoongi came inside after saying goodbye to his friend and found Jihoon staring at him over the back of the couch. They’d held silent eye contact until Jihoon had pursed his lips to make kissy noises and Yoongi, before Jihoon could follow through, told him to shut up and left the room.

So, maybe Yoongi never said he’s gay, but he also never said he wasn’t gay, and that’s about as close to Jimin’s type as they’re going to get in the next sixty seconds – and as established, Jihoon does not plan farther ahead than that – so he suggests him.

It’s only meant to be that – a suggestion. Something that will get Jimin’s spirit back for a few more minutes until the new plan is inevitably foiled. Jihoon gives it, at best, a two percent chance Yoongi even entertains the idea. If it were him, ignoring the deeply problematic nature of asking your own brother to fake date you to fool your mom, he’d give it a solid zero. The odds of Yoongi doing something for another person are, by Jihoon’s estimation, astronomically low. The odds of Yoongi doing something for him are lower. But, in his roughly fifteen years of observation, Jihoon’s noticed that Yoongi has what one may call, if they were being generous, a bit of a soft spot for Jimin. Jihoon does not blame him. Jimin is very hard not to adore.

“You want me to date your brother?” Jimin asks, and that is not what Jihoon said. He gags, only a little on purpose, at the idea. It’s not clear if he’s more disgusted at the idea of Jimin dating his brother, or Jimin dating his brother, and he’s not going to consider it long enough to figure it out.

“I want you to fake date him,” Jihoon clarifies, and he doesn’t dwell on how, nothing better to do or not, Yoongi probably isn’t going to help. And he doesn’t dwell on how the entire charade is definitely dumb and unnecessary, because Jimin doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone but himself. And he doesn’t dwell on the mounting swell of unease when Jimin peeks his head around the open doorway to say, full of disbelief, “uh, he said yes, so I’m going to talk to him for a while.”

v.

“Stop telling people I’m gay,” Jihoon is startled but forces himself not to flinch when Yoongi suddenly speaks, catching Jihoon as he passes Yoongi’s bedroom to get to the bathroom.

Jihoon manages to take it in stride and says without looking, “Then stop doing gay shit.”

vi.

In a truly delightful turn of events, Jihoon catches Yoongi talking to himself in front of a pile of black t-shirts several hours before he’s supposed to fake meet Jimin’s mom for not the first time. It’s been a long time since Jihoon has seen Yoongi flustered and off-kilter like this and he’s going to enjoy it as much as he can.

“Aren’t you going to Jimin’s today?” Jihoon asks, squinting at the pile to try and see if he can guess what Yoongi’s current contenders are. It’s a pointless question. There are roughly two hundred anxious, nonsensical text messages clogging his inbox making him damn certain Yoongi is, unless Jimin’s clearly

unfounded fears that Yoongi suddenly changes his mind come true. Well, maybe not entirely unfounded, Jihoon thinks. Perhaps Yoongi won’t be able to pick a shirt and will cancel to avoid the shame.

Jihoon is not one to let such a wonderful opportunity go to waste, so he takes his time teasing Yoongi until Yoongi has physically removed him and slammed his bedroom door completely shut. He’s also not one to let Yoongi have the last word, making sure to yell back through the wall that Yoongi’s ridiculous.

Halfway through making good on his promise to tell Jimin that Yoongi spent all morning picking an outfit, standing in the middle of his room because he couldn’t hold it in long enough to flop back onto his bed, Jihoon pauses. It’s been a long time since Jihoon has seen Yoongi flustered and off-kilter.

The harder he tries to remember, the more he realizes he’s never seen Yoongi that flustered and off-kilter.

Jihoon erases the message and heads to his closet.

vii.

Jihoon isn’t waiting for Yoongi. He just happens to be downstairs. Did he watch Yoongi nitpick at his clothes through the window until he had walked out of sight? It’s possible. Has he spent the past two and a half flipping anxiously between channels because he can’t focus on any one show? Maybe. Is he waiting for Yoongi to come back from his first fake date? Absolutely not.

He does, when he hears the sound of a key in the front door, suddenly rearrange himself from his stiff, upright position into a (hopefully) casual-looking slouch and try to appear extremely invested in the baseball game he hasn’t been watching. Since he wasn’t waiting for Yoongi, he doesn’t look up when the front door opens and shuts, or when he hears Yoongi puttering around in the entryway.

After changing his shoes and hanging up his coat, Yoongi comes to stand behind the couch. Jihoon doesn’t really care, of course, but it seems impolite not to, so he asks, “How was your date?”

“Fake date,” Yoongi corrects absently, weirdly focused on the tv while Jihoon stares up at his chin. It seems like it’s all he’s going to say, which should not surprise or disappoint Jihoon, but kind of does. They don’t really talk, about anything. Yoongi doesn’t talk much to anyone, and they aren’t close, and Jihoon has learned to be okay with the ever-widening distance between them.

But, maybe Jihoon was waiting, and maybe Jihoon did think it would be different this time. Even though they’re brothers, it was starting to feel like Jimin was something they could have in common. Yoongi did agree to Jimin’s insane fake dating scheme, and if Jimin can be trusted, Yoongi did most of the actual planning. In the back of his mind, Jihoon thought, maybe if Yoongi was opening up to Jimin, and Jimin is an extension of Jihoon, then Yoongi could let Jihoon in too.

“How was your fake date?” Jihoon sighs, long-suffering, and hopes it hides any desperation.

Almost on cue, Jihoon’s phone vibrates noisily from where it’s fallen between the couch cushions. They both know, without looking, exactly who the message is from. Yoongi snorts before asking, “Hasn’t Jimin already told you?”

They both know the message is from Jimin, and they both know Jimin has been messaging consistently for the past three hours, and Jihoon could let this go. He could let it go like he always does. He can pretend he wasn’t waiting, and he can pretend he doesn’t care. Instead, Jihoon says, a touch too softly, “Yeah, but I’m asking you.”

The silence goes on long enough that Jihoon thinks Yoongi might really ignore him, which isn’t that strange, but normally he at least has the decency to leave a room if he’s going to act like Jihoon isn’t there.

Just before Jihoon gets uncomfortable enough to exit the conversation himself, Yoongi says, “You don’t like baseball.”

“Yes,” Jihoon agrees. He’s been staring up at Yoongi’s chin, watching Yoongi not-watch the game, Unexpectedly, Yoongi glances down and meets his eyes. Jihoon would feel exposed, but Yoongi doesn’t look long.

“It was fine,” Yoongi says.

viii.

Jihoon isn’t jealous. He totally doesn’t care that his best friend, his only friend, if you ask anyone, is suddenly spending his free time with Jihoon’s brother. Jihoon definitely doesn’t think they’re being excessive, with how much they’re suddenly hanging around Jimin’s house, even though Jimin’s mom has a job and probably isn’t even there half the time. It’s not like Jihoon wants to hang out with both of them and watch them do weird, fake couple stuff, either.

Jihoon isn’t mad. It doesn’t matter to him that his brother, the same brother that once took every opportunity to complain about the general existence of Jihoon as a person and Jimin as a permanent fixture, has all the time in the world to play happy couple with someone he acted like he hated three weeks ago. He definitely doesn’t want Yoongi to suddenly decide he’s worth his time and start playing happy big brother.

Jihoon isn’t disappointed. He doesn’t care that his best friend seems to have forgotten he exists, and it doesn’t matter that his brother chose his best friend over him. It’s not like he thought maybe the three of them would bond, like they would all laugh about Jihoon’s great idea and what a success it was, and Jihoon could fake third wheel until the three of them together wasn’t so pretend anymore.

Jihoon’s fine.

ix.

About a month after the whole stupid charade started, and no, Jihoon is not acknowledging that it was, technically, his idea, Jimin’s over for the first time in a couple weeks. He’s sitting on the floor next to the couch while Jihoon is stretched out across the cushions. A movie they’ve both seen about one hundred times is playing on the tv, so neither of them is paying much attention, but it’s nice. Jihoon thinks they should probably be talking more, given how little they have been lately, but there’s something to be said about companionable silence. Every five minutes or so, Jimin will lean back enough that the back of his head will press into the soft dip below Jihoon’s ribs and it feels familiar, like home. It makes Jihoon wonder if Jimin has been missing him just as much. On one of the touches, Jihoon reaches out to affectionately ruffle up Jimin’s hair.

Jimin shifts, pushing into the contact, so Jihoon leaves his hand there. He wants to say something, talk about how he’s doing, but he’s afraid it’ll all come out too honest – it’s been lonely, I wish I’d been more included, I wish things could be different between me and Yoongi, I wish I could be close to Yoongi like you seem to be. He wants to ask what it’s like, when he and Yoongi are together, what do they talk about, is he nice, does he talk about me.

He doesn’t say those things, but he does ask, hopeful things will go back to normal soon, “did you two fake break up yet?”

Unexpectedly, Jimin seems a little surprised by the question, even though Jihoon was pretty sure that’s why Yoongi went to Jimin’s house all weird and morose the morning before. Predictably, when he came back in the afternoon, he didn’t say anything, but he seemed normal, at the least, if not a bit happy. Jihoon hadn’t known if he should take it as the breakup being successful, or nothing happening at all, but he’d assumed the former.

Jihoon tries not to read into what Yoongi’s moods before and after may have meant, as Jimin tells him, “oh, um, no, we decided to continuing faking for a while longer.”

When Jihoon asks why, Jimin says, “Well, it’s not like there’s any reason we have to stop now, and, my mom seems to be really getting used to the idea, you know, so I think with some more time she’ll really accept it, and, Yoongi agreed we should continue, so…”

Jimin trails off and Jihoon lets him. None of it is quite a lie, but it’s not the truth either. Jihoon knows Jimin better than he knows himself, can hear him scrambling for another excuse, something to prove that he believes in what he’s saying, something to make it make sense to himself. It’s obvious that Jimin has no idea why, but Jihoon doesn’t call him on it.

They’re both idiots, Jihoon thinks. They’re both idiots, but they probably know what they’re doing.

Probably.

Right?

x.

They do this now, sometimes, have conversations. It’s not like Yoongi is spilling his darkest secrets and asking Jihoon about his and there’s no brotherly bonding but it is a step up from passing each other like strangers in the hallway or only communicating through insults across the dinner table.

He can ask “how was your day” and Yoongi will respond with something vague and uninformative but not overtly negative and let them lapse back into silence. Jihoon can then, in an intentionally bad approximation of his brother, say, “Wow, Jihoon, thank you for asking, how was your day?” And Yoongi will give him the stink-eye, and he won’t say the words, but he’ll wait around and actually listen when Jihoon does tell him. It’s progress.

Today, Jihoon finds Yoongi drinking juice straight out of the shared carton and calls him a heathen. It’s a Sunday, and its only early afternoon, so Jihoon is surprised to find him out of his room at all. In a big step up from their normal routine, when Jihoon asks what he’s up to, Yoongi says, “I went for lunch with Jimin and some other people.”

Jihoon knows ‘some other people’ can’t be ‘some other people Jimin knows’, because he’s the only other people Jimin knows. By process of elimination, then, these must be people Yoongi knows, and shocked, he says “You have friends?”

This earns him a very familiar dirty look, Yoongi mumbling something about how alike he and Jimin are before replying clearly, “I have more friends than you and Jimin combined.”

With a thoughtful hum, Jihoon asks, “Combined, do we have one friend or two friends?”

Yoongi smiles, really smiles, genuinely, and Jihoon has to tense up his whole body to keep from physically pumping his fist into the air at his success.

If they were any two other people, that wouldn’t be the end of the conversation, but they are who they are, so it is.

Progress is progress.

xi.

“That was nice of you.”

“What?”

“What you said to Jimin – it was nice.”

“I can be nice.”

“But you aren’t.”

“Are you picking a fight?”

“I’m just saying. You can be nice, but it seems like you only are nice to one person.”

“It sounds like you’re not saying anything.”

“I meant – “

“Jihoon, just drop it.”

Jihoon, in a rare show of magnanimity, does.

xii.

Jihoon swallows back the hurt, and the jealousy, and the anger, and the disappointment, just like he swallows back his desperate questions, why did you stop following us around back then and are you teasing, or do you really mean those things and what did I do wrong and can I fix it?

xiii.

It’s been at least thirty minutes since Jimin stammered out an excuse about needing to “ask Yoongi uh, something, about the, you know, fake boyfriend… thing.” Jihoon isn’t sure what they could possibly have to talk about. First of all, they’ve had plenty of time outside of the few precious hours Jihoon has convinced Jimin to finally pay attention to him. Secondly, how difficult can it be to pretend to be in a relationship for a few months. Has Jimin’s mom really not gotten it, yet? She seemed pretty convinced when Jihoon saw the three of them after Jimin’s last showcase, but what would he know.

Part of him hopes that they’re up there discussing how to break up, because then Jimin won’t do things like disappear mid-game to talk to Yoongi, or stop coming over for a week at a time because he’s hanging out with Yoongi at his own house, and he won’t get so distracted responding to texts that he doesn’t even notice Jihoon needling him about some handsome actor or another. That hope placates him for another fifteen minutes of getting angry at pre-teens who are much better at video games than he is, but Jihoon can only handle so much x-box live before he wants Jimin to be the one kicking his ass.

After almost an hour of waiting, Jihoon’s patience reaches its limit, and he tilts his head back to yell Jimin’s name at the ceiling. Nothing happens for another several minutes, not even a shout back or an irritated ‘shut up’ from Yoongi. He pauses the game to hear better and tries again. This time, immediately, there’s a heavy thud of something hitting the floor and a short burst of footsteps. Jihoon waits for the sound of the door creaking open, but it doesn’t come.

He presses his head back against the couch cushions until he can almost see the stairs and calls, “If you don’t come down, I’ll come up there!”

It’s supposed to be a benign, meaningless threat. In part because he won’t, Jihoon’s laziness outweighing his desire for Jimin to rejoin the game, in part because there shouldn’t be any real consequence if he does go to see what’s taking so long.

Apparently, there could’ve been, because Jimin comes rushing down the stairs already spilling out apologies. As he comes around the couch, Jihoon notices that Jimin’s face is flushed pink and his hair is unusually disheveled and his bottom lip is just a little swollen and startingly red and, “oh my god, did you just make out with my brother?”

“What?” Jimin is immediately too defensive, looking anywhere but at Jihoon, and, because he is a lying liar who lies, he says, “no!”

“You just made out with my brother!” Jihoon repeats, “You left me down here to go and make out with my brother! For an hour!”

“We didn’t make out for an hour,” it takes Jimin ten seconds too long to realize that his argument only proves Jihoon right. He looks sheepish, briefly, before falling back into defensive, “It doesn’t matter, anyways! You know we’re only faking dating.”

“You can’t fake kiss!” Jihoon bursts, incredulous and furious and disgusted. It doesn’t help that Jimin looks, behind the bravado, lost and a little helpless.

“It doesn’t matter, okay?” He insists, “It didn’t mean anything.”

Jihoon makes a high-pitched, frustrated noise meant to convey are you sure and does he know that and why would you kiss him and why would he kiss you and I don’t even know who I’m angrier at.

Apparently, Jimin is not so attuned to Jihoon these days, because he doesn’t get it, and he just says, quick and dismissive even though he’s still clearly anxious, “Really, don’t worry about it.”

Jihoon is well-versed in not worrying about it. Jihoon worries about very little. Jihoon lets things go, all the time, easy as breathing.

Jihoon is, whether he’ll admit it or not, a little worried.

xiv.

The first thing Jihoon thinks, when Jimin tells him he has a boyfriend, is that Jimin should probably sound happier about it. His whole story comes out uncharacteristically stilted and flat, Jimin’s smile looking so forced while he recounts the first date and jokes about some kiss they almost got seen having last weekend. It’s not like Jimin, excitedly recounting some fake couple outing he and Yoongi had under the guise of updating Jihoon on how successful the plan was going. Or when Jihoon caught on to his impromptu make-out with Yoongi, where Jimin was flushed and stuttering and embarrassed and every few minutes Jihoon would catch him fighting a smile in his peripherals.

That’s the second thing Jihoon thinks, what about Yoongi? He wonders idly if Yoongi knew. If that’s what that look Yoongi’s been giving him lately is for. Yoongi never intentionally seeks him out, but when they do cross paths in their shared house, Yoongi will stare at him, uncomfortably long and searching, like Jihoon knows something he doesn’t. The likelihood would normally be low, because Jihoon is not one for knowing things. However, the things Jihoon does know are usually about Jimin, and the things Yoongi cares about these days are also usually about Jimin, an unexpected venn diagram. So, in this one case, there’s a fair chance Jihoon has whatever information Yoongi is silently looking for.

Was this what Yoongi was waiting for him to know?

“So, you and Yoongi are over, or whatever?” Jihoon asks, a little nonsensically, but there’s a quiet bitterness that Yoongi never said anything. Sure, Yoongi doesn’t say much of substance to him, but he was starting to. And those looks – did Jimin tell Yoongi first?  

“We were never together,” Jimin replies stiffly, and Jihoon has that thought again – shouldn’t he be happier about this?

Before he can ask, Jihoon is struck with a terrible realization.

He and Yoongi were almost getting closer, because Jimin was a tether between them. If their thing is done, the progress Jihoon made will go too.

xv.

It’s pure chance that Jihoon runs into Yoongi. The shine of loitering around waiting for him after every visit to Jimin’s for the chance to pry into what the two of them could possibly talk about all those hours they spend together has long worn off, in part because the answer typically turned out to be we sat in silence like absolute freaks for most of it.

So, this time, Jihoon really isn’t waiting for Yoongi. He’s got his knee bent at an awkward angle so he can press his shoe, sole first, against the wall. Yoongi opens the door just as he’s leaning forward against his own thigh to adjust the laces and Jihoon immediately prepares to argue, because Yoongi hates when he doesn’t just sit down on the bench to tie his shoes, and always nags about how that’s what it’s there for  and you’re going to scuff up the walls and Jihoon finds great joy in how much Yoongi seems to care about something so inconsequential. The anticipation for the pointless but familiar routine is quickly curbed by Yoongi not acknowledging Jihoon’s presence at all.

Yoongi kicks his own shoes off roughly, throwing them into the normally pristine line of other pairs so that shoes scatter and knock noisily against the wall. It’s so deeply out of character, Jihoon doesn’t even think to take the opportunity to call him out on the hypocrisy. He’s not looking at Jihoon, either, and not in that usual you’re-not-worth-my-attention kind of way, or like he’s just so distracted by his own bullshit he’s genuinely not noticed Jihoon. The not-looking is intentional, like he’s trying to hide something. Jihoon leans so far back he almost falls on his ass, trying to look, thinking maybe he’s gotten a secret face piercing, or someone gave him a black eye.

What Jihoon sees, when he manages to peek at Yoongi’s face before Yoongi can rush himself up the stairs, is much worse.

[jacksnwangs]

oh no not me saying i'm never gonna write fic again and then writing 3000 words worth of a new when you're in love bonus

[jacksnwangs]

i know all of y’all follow me for kpop fic and i don’t really write that anymore (though i did post some good omens fanfic a few months ago if anyone’s a fan of that) but i have been thinking about publishing a series of personal essays somewhere so i thought i would share a rough draft here if anyone is interested!

it is about mental health (sort of) and self-esteem and my bad parents so cw for all of that!

I recently turned twenty-three, which is not very old, and I don’t know that much, but I have had a lot of experiences, and I’m trying my best.

I won’t tell you about all those experiences. They are part of this story – they are a part of all my stories, because they are a part of me. Those experiences are important, and maybe one day I’ll tell you about them all too.

During my last year of college, I had a therapist. She was not my first therapist, not even my first therapist from the university, but she was a very good one. One of the first times we talked, she gave me a metaphor: it’s like going to the hardware store for bread. You can go again and again and ask for bread, but it’s never going to be there.

My dad is not a good person. He is racist, and homophobic, and he thinks women are worth less (including his ex-wife and three daughters, maybe especially them) and he is the kind of funny that is actually just mean-spirited and always followed up with a “god, can’t you just learn to take a joke.” My dad is also a drug addict, and an alcoholic, which does not make him a bad person but it does make him unreliable and impossible to trust. Even when his intentions aren’t bad, he is not a good person. He would demean and insult and call it motivational. When he was proud, it was not because he was proud of us, it was because he was proud of himself for creating us. Perhaps it is a bias, a blindness, but when I think back, I cannot remember a single happy moment with my dad.

My dad is not a good person, and he is not a kind person, and he is not reliable or trustworthy, but he is my dad.

My dad is my dad, and whether it is nature or nurture, I have believed for my whole life that he should love me. We’re hardwired for that, aren’t we? Our parents are our means of survival for years. We’re taught that our parents should love us and care for us and protect us. I believed whole heartedly, for so many years, that my dad was supposed to love me. I desperately wanted, for even longer, for him to choose to love me.

A different therapist, my current therapist, another very good one, asked me why I believe I am incapable of being loved. I said, well, I could list some things I think are bad about me, that make me difficult to have a relationship with. We could talk more about how I react to intimacy, how little I understand about vulnerability, about how sometimes when my partner looked at me or touched me it felt unbearable even if minutes before I was hoping for the attention.

It isn’t really about me, though. It is, of course, because I am the thing that is unlovable. But the belief isn’t about me as a person.

I explained to her, when I was little, the two people who were supposed to love me and care for me and protect me above all else didn’t. And when I was little, and I realized my dad did not love me even though dads are supposed to love their children, I decided this was because of me. He did not love me because I did not deserve love.

My old therapist, the one with the metaphor, shared it when I said something similar. I told her that I did not feel worthy of love, because if I was, my dad would have loved me all along. He would have loved me from the start, or he would’ve started in the years I spent trying so hard to be a good child, trying to earn it. And she gave me the metaphor: you are going to the hardware store to buy bread. You are looking for something somewhere it can not exist.

When I was very little, I was told I should go to the store for bread. But the store was a hardware store, and the hardware store does not sell bread, and no matter how I ask the hardware store for bread, it is not going to be there.

When I was very little, I was told that dads love their children. But my dad is not a good person, and he is not a good dad, and he just did not have that love to give. No matter how badly I wanted his love, I was not going to get it.

I do know children are not to blame when their parents are not good parents. I would never tell any child except for the one that I once was that if they had just been smarter or cuter or more well behaved that they would’ve been loved and cared for and protected. But, I told my therapist, I have to believe that. I have to believe that it was my fault, because if it was my fault, that means I deserved it. If it wasn’t my fault, that means that someone wronged me, and that is unfair, and that is more painful than believing I am worthless is.

I told my therapist that if it was my fault, that means there’s hope. If it was because I did something wrong, then I can fix it, and fix myself, and eventually, I will become deserving, and become loved.

I stopped talking to my dad the summer before my senior year of college. My brother stopped talking to our dad when he graduated high school. Most of our conversations in the seven years between were about my brother, and my dad asking about my brother’s life, and my dad trying to get me to talk to my brother for him, and my dad complaining about my brother not talking to him, because my brother is smart and funny and kind and because my dad felt threatened by my brother who is smarter and funnier and kinder than him.

In our last two conversations, I said things like, it hurts me when you only talk to me about my brother because I’m your child too, and I want you to care for me. I said things like, you did bad things that hurt us so you do not have a right to a relationship with him. I told him, I still have nightmares about finding you when you overdosed when I was eight years old. I told him, I am an adult now, and I do not owe you anything, but I love you, so I want you to treat me with respect so that I can continue to talk to you.  

In our last two conversations, my dad said things to me like, you are a bitch, and you were your mother’s mistake, so take it up with her if you have issues with your childhood. My dad said things to me like, I did nothing wrong, you are the one who got your feelings hurt, so don’t blame me when you can’t get over it. My dad said to me, you are a child, and you do not deserve respect, and you will need me, and you will regret this.

On my twenty-third birthday, my dad messaged me and left me voicemails and liked half of my facebook posts before I could block him. He told me he saw that I graduated university, that he was proud. He told me that he missed me, and wanted a relationship with me, wanted to do something for me. He offered me money, he offered me anything I asked for. He asked my older sister to talk to me for him, to ask me what he could give me to fix it.

And I didn’t respond, because I don’t need his money. I make my own money. And for the longest time, I wanted his love. But maybe I don’t need that either. Maybe I can make my own love too.

[jacksnwangs]

official hiatus

hey guys! i know i don’t post much and i haven’t written in a long time, but i do come on at least to respond to messages pretty regularly so: i won’t be availiable, even through messages or emails or ao3 comments, until august 17th! i’m working as a camp counselor and i’m gonna be chilling in the woods without access to social media stuff for the next three months. 

most of the questions i get are about continuing fics: if it’s currently unfinished, i might try but currently don’t know when i’ll have the time to sit down and write (but i’ll be trying next semester!) until after i graduate college; if is a one shot or completed, with no mention of a sequel, probably definitely not.

or about doing translations: i’m not comfortable with people translating or reposting any of my works on any site without direct conversation and explicit permission, so go ahead and send a message but if you’re hoping to translate - put a hold on that project until i’m back in august and we can discuss it!

[jacksnwangs]

hey! i’m not sure how many of my followers are American Youth/international youth planning on going to american universities but i know it’s That Time of The Year. i’m a sophomore, double majoring with a work study job at a Pretty Good (and expensive) university in the boston area! i’m also entirely financially independent and came to university from ohio, and have no family nearby! 

if you’re trying to figure out what you want, if you have any questions about college in general, choosing a school, boston or anything else, please hit me up! if you just want to vent about trying to choose or rejections or brag about your acceptances, hit me up as well! i know i was also so excited when i got accepted somewhere, even a safety that i knew i wasn’t going to, but i always felt bad sharing which kind of dampened the pride! 

and i know some people take it for granted but if you applied to college and are making decisions now, or facing a lot of rejections, i’m proud of you! you worked hard to get where you are, and every acceptance, no matter what the school is, is something to be proud of. and i know a lot about the decision process on the college end from programs i did in high school, so believe me when i tell you, rejections do not mean anything. they do not mean you’re not good enough. i got rejected from much lower ranked schools, with much more lax requirements and cutoffs than the one i attend, probably just because they saw me at a bad time, or i didn’t seem excited about their school, or i just personally didn’t mesh with the student body they were trying to create. please do not let college acceptances and rejections reflect on your worth. 

you worked hard to get where you are, i’m proud of you for even trying, and everything will work out somehow in the end. this is not the rest of your life, it’s simply a few steps in one of the many possible paths you can take towards a happy, fulfilling future!

[frevin]

very ridiculous that i am expected to graduate college and then do something else after that

[jacksnwangs]

hey can i request fic and sequel? your writing is amazing!! sorry if i disturb you!!

you can request something if you want. but i haven’t been that into writing fic lately and i’m generally really busy with coursework & my job, but! if you request something and i feel inspired there’s a chance i’ll get around to actually writing! 

[jacksnwangs]

VALENTINE'S DAY | ASK SPECIAL

1: Do you have a crush at the moment?

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?

3: Longest relationship you've ever been in?

4: Have you ever changed for someone?

5: How is your relationship with your ex?

6: Have you ever been cheated on?

7: Have you ever cheated?

8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating?

9: What's the most important part of a relationship?

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"?

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"?

16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"?

17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet?

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?

19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship?

20: Are you currently in a relationship?

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

22: Do you think people should date their friends?

23: How many relationships have you had?

24: Do you think love can last forever?

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of?

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?

29: What do you notice first about another person?

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

33: Do you want to get married one day?

34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed?

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?

36: Are you still a virgin?

37: What's more important: Looks or personality?

38: Do you enjoy love films?

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?

40: Have you ever had a valentine?

41: What's your imagination of a "perfect date"?

42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"?

43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends?

44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"?

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?

46: Have you ever been "friendzoned"?

47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite?

48: What's your favorite love song?

49: Have you ever broken someone's heart?

50: If you're single, why do you think you are?

51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy?

52: Are you good at giving other people advices regarding dating/ relationships?

53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single?

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)?

55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"?

56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship?

57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?

58: Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship?

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary?

60: What's your opinion on open relationships?

61: Who's more important: Your partner or your family?

62: How do you define "cheating"?

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?

64: Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated?

65: Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"?

[jacksnwangs]

im suddenly in the mood to write and its my last day of winter break, so, if there’s any requests, hmu.

[jacksnwangs]

apricity

this was written off a prompt i got from an anon months ago, but i’m not posting with the prompt to avoid a spoiler. sorry it’s been so long since i’ve written a fic - i got super busy with adulthood, unfortunately. hopefully it won’t be long until my next!

word count: 6300 rating: t pairing: yoonmin warnings: lapslock, only vaguely edited apricity - the warmth of the sun in winter

jimin first sees him in freshman year. he’s dragged to a university basketball game in the fifth week of classes by his roommate who has a crush on half the cheerleaders and at least two of the players. jimin sees him on the sidelines, next to the bench. he’s wearing a uniform, jersey baggy on his slim frame, eyes darting rapidly from hoop to hoop as he follows the game with impressive focus. jimin’s attention remains on the sidelines. someone scores, and the crowd roars in a mix of disappointment and pride. the ref blows his whistle and there’s a wave of argument. the game continues but jimin watches the unknown player exclusively. players switch out. they tap him on the shoulders, accept half-hearted high fives and inaudible compliments. one ruffles his hair, which annoys the boy greatly. more players change places. he doesn’t play for a single second.

Keep reading

[jacksnwangs]

and maybe we knew it all along

sequel to i don’t love you but i’d love to

this one won’t make as much sense if you haven’t read it!

rating: pg-13 pairing: yoongi/everyone, ot7, mostly yoonmin word count: 2950 warnings: discussion of homelessness and hunger

five times yoongi and jimin were probably dating and one time they definitely were

1.

Jin doesn’t like to keep score. He never calculates. Give and take is not an equal exchange.  

Taehyung turns pity into scraps and presents them as if they’re gold and Hoseok works every few nights heaving boxes between trailers in a loading dock and stashes a crisp large bill into Jin’s pocket when no one is looking and Namjoon talks pretty to anyone who comes sniffing around until they leave his family alone. Jimin is gentle and bright and gives them hope even when he can’t provide anything else. Yoongi has the bark and the bite and gives his body, all that he has, to keep them safe. Jungkook has nothing to offer but a cocky façade and a sheepish smile.  

Jin gets cash where he can and manages food more nights than he doesn’t and brings clothes and blankets and snags an old battery radio and he spends every minute of his life providing for and thinking of nothing but his boys. As far as he’s concerned, they’re all on equal footing.  

He doesn’t keep score, but he notices. When he’s giving more than he’s taking, more than is offered, more than there is to have, he knows.

It comes as a surprise when he realizes he’s getting more than he’s giving.

Jungkook comes home hollering and posturing more than usual, overcompensating to hide how shaken he is. Soon after, Yoongi struggles into the train car, deep bruising on his face and a heavier limp than usual. His body sags and his eyes, even the one not swollen shut, flutters.  

Naturally, presumptuously, Jin makes room in his nest of blankets and opens his arms and gives up on his vague dreams of going to sleep before midnight. It’s the unspoken but agreed upon order of things. Yoongi protects his boys. Jin dotes on him.

Only, Yoongi doesn’t slide into his respective place tucked entirely against Jin’s side. Yoongi doesn’t even look at Jin. Across the car, Yoongi sinks to the ground half a foot in front of Jimin and Jimin pulls him the rest of the way in until they’re so seamlessly entangled in one another that Jin can’t tell whose limbs are whose. No one else in the car seems to notice but Jin is transfixed.  

Jimin’s gentle fingers ghost over new bruises and mouths move with voices too low to be heard and Yoongi presses his forehead against the crook of Jimin’s neck and his body relaxes so entirely Jin forgets what it’s like to see Yoongi tensed and ready for a fight. He watches them for longer than he has any reason too, after Taehyung has wormed his way into the spot meant for Yoongi and started chattering about some book he read at the library that day.

The new inequality of their relationship settles beneath Jin’s ribs uncomfortably but Jimin kisses the top of Yoongi’s head so gingerly and Jin just barely sees the edge of Yoongi’s mouth pull up into a sleepy smile and he finds, even with the weight of it in his chest, he doesn’t care.  

2.

Hoseok isn’t hurt the first time Yoongi covers his playful grin with a harsh hand and shakes his head against Hoseok’s sultry offer for “some fun” one late afternoon when he was feeling a little worthless and a lot bored. It’s not unlike Yoongi to say no. Yoongi’s wavering mood towards Hoseok’s kisses is the reason he always asks first.  

He’s not hurt because Yoongi says no as often as he says yes. Yoongi may not be selective towards partners but he prefers a certain mood. How many people he’s already been with that day. Who’s around to see. He won’t kiss Hoseok the way Hoseok likes in front of Jungkook or Jin, but most days it’s fine in front of Namjoon or Taehyung. Jimin’s seen them once for a sure but Hoseok hasn’t had a chance to figure out where he falls in Yoongi’s lists. Yoongi doesn’t like to kiss Hoseok when he can tell Hoseok just thinks it’ll make him feel better – says he can’t be the one to solve all Hoseok’s problems, that he wouldn’t be able to if he tried. He won’t kiss Hoseok if it’s too soon after Hoseok has brought home money or food.  

So, Hoseok isn’t hurt. Sure, Yoongi hasn’t worked in a couple days and it’s only the two of them loitering around a secluded patch of tracks and Hoseok’s in as good a mood as ever and Yoongi is teasing him good naturedly and smiling in that cute little way he has like he’s worried he’s not doing it right. But Yoongi has his reasons and Hoseok has nothing if not respect.  

Hoseok doesn’t feel the sting of it the next four times either. It’s been a while, a few weeks, and he feels himself itching for affection. For the warmth of it, the closeness, the feeling of skin on his to replace the grime of being unwanted by everyone else. For how Yoongi will touch him ever so softly, like he might break, like he deserves to be nothing but treasured.  

Actually, Hoseok never feels anything but mild disappointment from Yoongi’s continued refusal to kiss him until it turns from simple rejection to being replaced entirely.  

He’s definitely not supposed to see, coming across them in a too long walk in the woods surrounding the abandoned train stop, kicking at underbrush and passing time until he can go and worm his way into a temporary night job for no questions, quick cash. Yoongi is easily recognizable, Hoseok intimately familiar with his slim frame and the ridges of bones in his back and the messy hair at the nape of his neck. Less recognizable, at first, is the hand tugging fingers through those tangles and the leg hooked around one of Yoongi’s thighs as he hovers over another person.  

When Hoseok and Yoongi kiss, Hoseok’s in charge. Yoongi is gentle hands and smooth movement, pliant under Hoseok, controlling only when he decides he’s had enough and slips out of Hoseok’s grasp. Here, Yoongi is hard, pressing down into his partner. Yoongi is leading, the body below him following every movement and a surge of jealousy so strong cuts through Hoseok's chest he almost thinks maybe all that time spent wrapped up in Min Yoongi meant more to him than he claimed.  

It wavers, when Hoseok starts to convince himself Yoongi might just be working. Then, the power dynamic shifts and the bodies roll and someone suddenly familiar comes out on top. If Hoseok didn't recognize him from the mess of brown hair, sticking in all directions the same way it does every morning, the high, melodic laugh that follows the new positioning would be a dead giveaway.  

The envy comes back two-fold as the heavy understanding that Hoseok has been replaced by his new best friend, Park Jimin, settles in. After several minutes of debating, Hoseok finally decides to leave them be, stalking away to the fading sound of happy laughter.  

There's an irritated tirade running on loop in the back of his mind, feet falling heavier and heavier the further he gets, the angrier he gets. He scoffs to himself, thinking there he is, replaced by some younger, prettier boy. Momentarily, he's not thinking about the fact that it's Jimin, he's just mad and jealous and more than anything else, there's a rough, desperate ache. It's too familiar – the feeling of being unlovable. That little voice that reminds him, really, no one will ever want him. Not when someone better comes along.

It's dampened, just barely, by the memory of Yoongi's bright, delighted laughter. Hoseok doesn't think he's heard anything like it before.

3.

Namjoon's feeling especially bored and, though he'd never admit it out loud, lonely. It seems like the universe is finally cutting him a break, offering the perfect gift to make up for the cards he was dealt when he sees them, by chance, his two favorite boys. There, only one hundred feet away, are Jimin and Yoongi. It's a rare sight to see Min Yoongi out in the town, particularly in the early afternoon. The strangeness of it makes it feel even more like fate.  

Something stops Namjoon, though, just as he's about to call out to them.  

Even from a distance, he can see the two of them quite clearly. They're huddled close together, bodies touching at the shoulder and the hip. Yoongi has his arm slung loosely across Jimin's back, his other hand stuffed deep into the torn pocket of the ratty coat he recently traded Jungkook his newer one for. At his side, Jimin is using his two free hands to spoon whatever they've bought out of a small cup alternatively into Yoongi's mouth and his own.  

Namjoon isn't mad, that the two of them are eating together. All of them eat what they can, when they can. That's the thing about desperation; you take what you can get. However you can get it. Everyone does it. Except Yoongi.  

Yoongi doesn't eat without sharing with everyone. If he gets food, he'll cart it around until he's surrounded by his brothers in their makeshift home. He'll let every other boy have a bite before he even thinks about taking one.  

It seems like something private, somehow, and Namjoon doesn't think he should interrupt. That doesn't stop him from watching, though, following slowly enough to remain undetected after they finish their snack and start to wander further down the street. The entire time, they stay pressed together, bodies always touching.  

A few blocks later, Jimin says something Namjoon is too distant to hear, and disappears into one of the stores they're passing. Yoongi stays outside, breathing warmth into his cupped hands while he waits patiently, and Namjoon starts to feel a little weird about his behavior.  

He's getting ready to cross the street, to make himself known, when Jimin reappears, this time holding a wide, dark green, knit scarf. Yoongi, loudly, whines a protest that dies as quickly as it starts when Jimin starts to wind it around Yoongi's neck.  

Still across the street, Namjoon watches as Jimin finishes, giving the ends of the scarf a quick yank before dropping his hands to his sides. Immediately, Yoongi ruins the work, tugging it down away from his mouth. Yoongi, head whipping to the side briefly to gauge how many people may be looking, cups Jimin's jaw in his hands and pulls him into a short kiss. When they part, Namjoon can just barely make out Yoongi's expression.

It's not the pride he's accustomed to. It's not the vague indifference he gives the rest of the boys. It's shy and pleased and warm.  

Namjoon smiles softly to himself, a little less bored, still lonely, and turns to walk back the way he came.  

4.  

The first time Jimin ends up intruding on Taehyung's nightly cuddle with Yoongi, the ones that they do not, under any circumstances, talk about, he's been staying with them for exactly eight nights and disappearing during the days and he stays, clutching Taehyung's arm, a full body away from Yoongi.

The second time is two weeks later and Jimin has stopped pretending like he doesn't belong. Taehyung falls asleep with his head on Yoongi's shoulder and his legs tangled in Jimin's. He wakes up rolled half on top of Jimin, Yoongi turned towards them so his knee touches Jimin's.  

Times three, four and five are all in a row – when Taehyung gets the flu – and he sleeps sandwiches comfortably between Yoongi and Jimin for three blissfully warm nights.

There's a long period, a few months, probably. Taehyung would know if he paid more attention to the passing of time. On the streets, the weeks kind of run together and they're lucky if he knows the day. Jimin, intentionally or not, ends up asleep across the car. Sometimes he's piled in with the other boys while Yoongi and Taehyung detangle themselves only to huddle in together. Sometimes Jimin detachess himself from the pack, especially in the warmer months, taking up a private corner.  

The sixth time is months after Jimin was dragged in, sick and scared and alone, by Yoongi and adopted whole heartedly into their found family. Just like the other times, the two of them start the night on opposite sides of Taehyung, touching him but not each other. Somewhere in the middle of the night, Jimin reaches across Taehyung to grab a fistful of Yoongi's threadbare t-shirt, but Taehyung doesn't mention it in the morning.  

And, if, during the eleventh time, Taehyung wakes up to find that Yoongi has settled in behind him in the middle of the night and he and Jimin have their hands clasped, tight and desperate, across his chest, he doesn't bring that up either.

Sometime around the twenty third time, Taehyung is demoted to the outskirts of the group. He'll alternate, in a pattern that seems random but is silently dictated by Yoongi, clinging to the free side of Yoongi's body while Jimin sleeps tucked up against the other and stretching out on Jimin's shoulder while Yoongi monopolizes the rest of him.  

Eventually, Taehyung loses count. It starts to seem a lot less like Jimin is interrupting him and Yoongi and more like he's the one intruding on them.  

5.  

It's a warm summer day. By some stroke of luck, they've eaten well for three days in a row. All seven of them are, for possibly the first time, healthy and full. There's even some snacks left, for later when the hunger inevitably returns, so no one is desperately searching for the next meal.  

The sun is bright and Jungkook, young and filled with food and robbed of a happy childhood, is filled with giddy, reckless energy. Fortunately for him, Taehyung and Jimin are almost equally childish and more than ready to appease him, and the three of them are chasing each other pointlessly. They run in wide, aimless circles, taking time to enjoy the weather and their quiet bellies and life. The other boys watch on, everyone just happy that everyone else is happy. It's one of the best mornings they've had in a long time.  

One by one, though, they start to leave the group. First Namjoon has to go to some show he thinks he might get paid for, if he does well enough. Then Jin, somberly, sighs that no food will last forever and wanders off to find something to do that might earn him some money.  

Hoseok, too, already has a job lined up for the day. When he calls back for Taehyung to come and help him, ruining their game, Jungkook helps Jimin clamber up to the top of the sun-warmed car.  

He kicks his legs, a little obnoxiously, against the metal wall. Yoongi, the last one left on the ground, looks up at him. He expects to be met with a glare and stills, but Yoongi only smiles at them. It's a special kind of smile, one he doesn't wear often.  

Yoongi tells them he has to leave too, and shakes his head when Jimin offers to come too.  

"Someone should stay with Jungkook," Yoongi decides, walking backwards away from them, "who knows what he'd do if we left him alone."  

Scowling, Jungkook elbows Jimin in the ribs when he laughs a little too hard and calls back, "I'm not a baby!"

Yoongi just laughs, too, still watching them. As he turns to look where he's walking, he says, "I love you."

Jungkook knows that Yoongi loves all six members of the pack, but he also knows that he has a special way of showing it to each of them. Jungkook, as far as he knows, is the only one Yoongi actually says it to. It seems only natural to assume it was meant for him, and he replies, "I love you too!"

Without looking back, Yoongi yells, "I was talking to Jimin."  

+ 1.

"Hey, Jimin," Jungkook calls as soon as Jimin appears at the tree line, approaching the little circle he, Hoseok, Namjoon and Taehyung are sitting in. They aren't sure where Jin is, and Yoongi was still asleep when they all came home, so they were waiting for everyone in a little pack, fifty feet from the train car. He waits until Jimin is closer to continue, no longer shouting, "settle a bet for us."  

"What is it?"  

"How long have you and Yoongi been dating?" Taehyung asks.  

The effect is instantaneous. An embarrassed flush burns across Jimin's cheeks almost as soon as Taehyung says the word "dating". There's a soft, surprised intake of breath before Jimin starts to sputter, voice uncomfortably loud, "DATING? Who's... dating... me and Yoongi? No... there's no..."

Jungkook interrupts, lips set in a sly smirk, "See, Taehyung thinks it's been at least a year, but Hoseok says it's definitely only been three months. Namjoon said it's somewhere between four and five, but I think it's been nine."

Namjoon mumbles that Jungkook isn't even basing his off anything, he just keeps randomly picking numbers, but no one pays him any attention as Jimin face colors even darker and he waves his hands frantically against their accusations, "Really, no one's dati-."

A voice cuts in a second time, slow and indifferent, pulling everyone's attention away from Jimin and his red face and his stammered lying, "You're all wrong, actually."  

Yoongi stands with his arms crossed, leaning against the half-open door of the train car. He's looking at his pack of idiot brothers instead of his boyfriend. Despite their confident teasing, Jungkook chokes on air and Taehyung's eyes widen at the admission.  

"It's been seven months."  

[jacksnwangs]

remember when i said i was done writing? i lied

yooooo im too lazy to make the whole actual post rn and i’ll probably cross post it tomorrow but i just posted a new fic. it’s a third part to the lost boys club which is a series i wrote for my good friend milsy about homeless kids ot7 and if you wanna read it before i post it here when im less tired and more sober y’all can find it here. it’s a 5+1 about everyone slowly realizing yoonmin is in love. 

(((i’ve also been working on a rewrite of the fake bfs au and it’s like, a third of the way done? at the point? and i have another week and a half of not doing anything so hopefully that’ll get finished and posted too! keep an eye out if you’re a fan of the series. it’s not actually better written but i think the plot of the rewrite is much more interesting!!)))

[jacksnwangs]

i am, in fact, writing again. nothing actually new, though. i’m working on that rewrite of when you’re in love all the lines get blurred that i mentioned about 6 months ago 

[jacksnwangs]

click read more for a very short jihoon/jimin scene that i always want to put in somewhere but never have a good place for 

(two years, four months, nineteen days and one hour before the story begins)

when jimin is twelve, jihoon asks him what kind of girls he likes and he says, “boys.” 

jihoon takes it in stride and, without question and barely even a pause, corrects himself to ask what kind of boy jimin likes.

jimin says he doesn’t know. somewhere in the back of his mind, a list of qualities comes vaguely together of things he think he might like. around his height, not shorter, not too much taller. soft lips. sleepy eyes. a dry sense of humor, jokes you don’t realize are at your expense until you’re already laughing at yourself sliding slowly out in a low, lazy tone. vicious loyalty that’s difficult to earn but never lost. 

jimin doesn’t tell jihoon, then or later, but it seems like he might have a type. a set of things he’d like in any boyfriend, some so specific it’s a wonder it takes jimin seven years to realize that his whole list was about one person all along.

[jacksnwangs]

Read ‘when you’re in love, all the lines get blurred’ for the first time yesterday and i loved it so much ?!!! Happy birthday !!

thank you!!! im happy you enjoyed it

[jacksnwangs]

Happy birthday lovely. Have a wonderful day. (Good luck too!) 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

thank you so much!!

[yoonminfiction]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUTHOR: JFLAWLESS

Hey guys today is @jacksnwangs birthday. You might know this person as the AWESOME jflawless, the author of when you’re in love all the lines get blurred. The story where Jimin fake dates his best friend’s brother. So be dears and send some birthday wishes their way.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!