JAMAAL'S BLOGGING?!

HI MOM!

[gutomme]

Video: The Weeknd Performs At Coachella 2012 47:30 - currently on repeat

[jamaalgilani-blog]

Seriously man, my goodness... my goodness....

[jamaalgilani-blog]

God Bless Me...

Damn, it's been a while since I posted so here's a story from yesterday. It's okay if you don't read it cause it's long....(I'm kidding, it's not okay, it's a COOL STORY... bro....)

I was driving home from @cr703lp’s house last night (Drive of shame if you may…) and it was late and the streets were empty.  I was sort of falling asleep but was singing as much as possible to keep my eyes open.  I have the opposite of what you would call a soothing voice when I sing… It’s like a 5 hour energy shot—it keeps you awake…

Anyways, I was getting closer to my house and couldn’t wait to get home and watch Once Upon A Time so I could catch up (don’t you judge me! It’s a good ass show!!).  The roads were deserted except for this one hooded guy randomly walking along the side of the road which kinda scared me a little cause what if he was a GHOST!! As I got done passing him, these two girls randomly waving a milk carton pretty much stepped on the road to get my attention.

I figured in that split second that they weren’t looking for groceries and probably needed gas.  However, the situation wasn’t the most comforting, so I didn’t feel like stopping…but I DID!! (It wouldn’t be much of a story if I just kept driving right?)…..Anyways, I stopped because what if these two girls were GHOSTS and appeared in my back seat!

After I stopped, I realized that I’m not so good at getting out of situations and if they were Axe murderers…I wouldn’t be writing this post right now. Well, the following dialogue ensued!

Crazy Milk Carton Waving Girl: Omg, can you please help us! We ran out of gas and we need to get home, omg, can you help us!

Me: Ummm, fuck….umm, okay, I don’t….okay, how about you hand me the milk carton and I’ll get the gas for you and come ba….(WORST IDEA EVER! Like they would trust me!)

Crazy Milk Carton Waving Girl: Whaa? The gas station is down the corner! Can you just take us!

Me: Umm, fuck…umm, okay, okay, how about this, only ONE of you get in the car? YEAH, I can only take one of y….

Crazy Milk Carton Waving Girl: Umm, what?

(That’s when I realized I sounded like a murderer or rapist….”Only one of you get in…how do you feel about tasting other people’s asses? Do you like Human centipedes?” is probably what she heard)

Me: Okay, get in guys! Damnit, if I get murdered… (Why did I say that?!)

Crazy Milk Carton Waving Girl: Why are you holding your face? Are you coming back from a party!?!?

Me: It’s a fucken Tuesday!! I have “work” tomorrow!

Crazy Milk Carton Waving Girl: Okay, thank you so much, it’s down the street.  Omg, okay, so we ran out of gasss! We drank and like, we live in (I don’t remember…) and we got stranded.  It’s a new car! I dunno how it ran out of gas….. (Yeahh, cause new cars don’t run out of gas apparently…)

This whole time I’m just saying, “oh no” or “damn” or “you guys have a DD right?”… So we get to the gas station and they walk in and come back out immediately saying how they’re not taking cash! They asked for my damn debit card and like any other person would…I GAVE IT TO THEM!.... Yeah, call me stupid but honestly, I had the car, where the heck were they gonna go and how far were they going to go with a card that was gonna decline soon anyway!? They filled the carton up with a grand total of .9 gallons coming out to 3 dollars and 30 cents… thank goodness it went through….

While I’m waiting in the car, I’m shuffling my music and “Slight Work” comes on.  It was perfect timing cause as Wale said, “Drunk White Bitches” I look over and see her spill a shit ton of gas on her hand…Probably cost me those extra 30 cents! So as Big Sean is talking about bitches getting hit by his Ciroc-a-Vodka-Chopper …this drunk white girl is yelling, “OMG, my hand, ewww! Oh my goodness BECKY (I don't actually know if that was the other girl's name) helpp mee, oh nooo”….

She finally cleans herself up and we start driving back to their car.  She insists on paying me my 3 dollars back and tosses it in the front.  I refused at first but I couldn’t physically stop her so I just put the windows down cause the smell of gas was spreading throughout my car…. She asked for my name and kept saying how nice I was to which I responded with a simple, “no problemmmm” or “I know right”... She then says, “don’t worry we’re not prostitutes or anything—we’re completely normal! I was iffy at first but I ended up trusting you cause the music you were playing—you had this cool vibe!” (so kids, if you wanna seem trustworthy—play some Wale and the Weeknd, it apparently gives a cool vibe to carton waving, no gas having, drunk girls)

We finally get to the car and they can’t find their friends… because they apparently forgot that cell phones EXIST! I suggest calling them and the friends finally show up after a couple minutes and I was able to drop them off.  Before she left she asked for my name and shook my hand…I grabbed her one finger cause she extended her gas covered hand….

The two girl’s friends leaned down and were like, “thanks a lot dude, so nice of you, what’s your name?”….so on and then the night ended with one of them saying, “drive safe man, GOD BLESS YOU!”….I whispered, “I’m Muslim” but I didn’t want to mess up a good thing...

I am glad I got to help out people in need though…and didn’t get murdered!

Oh and I know what you’re wondering—the episode of Once Upon a Time was good as always! Magical…

[jamaalgilani-blog]

"STAND UP CHUCKK!! OH GOD, LOVE YA...."

...Damnit Joe Biden.....

[jamaalgilani-blog]

WTF... literally

So I FINALLY was able to get my TV into my room during this past week and i was excited.... Until I realized my brother forgot the controller... FACK!

Oh well, that just meant I had to walk up to the TV and change the channel. Watch TV, and get a workout? It's like I'm on the treadmill!

Anyways, I was flipping through channels the other day and stumbled across this weird movie(?) and I heard the best quote ever before I changed the channel.

It was this guy thrusting on this lady..,,.okay....they were having sex and apparently they both had no idea why because in the second that I turned to the channel, the guy yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I FUCKING YOU FOR?" in such a hateful manner...

Lol, I dunno guy, why are you questioning it? He was SOOO mad! I guess that would fall under one of those, "things not to say while having sex" ...

[iamnotemmanuelgozum-deactivated]

[jamaalgilani-blog]

iamnotemmanuelgozum:

Could it really be?

My goodness, no way man... Brb, let me go open my piggy bank... (it only has like 3 dollars worth of change...and it's not even a piggy bank cause I'm Muslim)....  Follow me on twitter... T-T

[jamaalgilani-blog]

Oh!...Okay....

So during my class on Monday.... wait, hold on....

I WENT TO CLASS!? WHAT? ...okay, back to the story.

During my Monday "Theories of Pop Culture" class (trust me, it's not fun at all.  We don't watch YouTube videos all day), my professor came in with sunglasses on.  He took them off like you're supposed to since our class isn't outdoors. 

We went on with our boring lecture as he talked about the syllabus.  He seems like a nice guy but the class doesn't seem like it's going to be all that fun.  If I wasn't required to take it, I definitely would drop that shit faster than Steve Johnson of the Bills dropping a TD pass..... then I'd blame God....Now that I got my sports reference out of the way, I'm happy. 

As the class is winding down the professor decides to engage the class a bit.  He puts his sunglasses back on and asks us, "What do you think of people that wear sunglasses indoors?" and a bunch of people chimed in. 

Then one guy raises his hand and declares, "I think everyone that wears sunglasses indoors is kinda douchey.  I don't know, it just looks really bad."

The class naturally just laughed and the professor waited for everyone to calm down... "Everyone that wears them indoors is douchey? I can see that, but some people have reasons right? For example, I need to put them on because I have GLAUCOMA,"

...Mann, the class went so quiet.  I wanted to laugh at the situation but everyone probably would've thought I was laughing at glaucoma which is weird.  The professor thankfully laughed it off instead of staring at the kid with his glaucoma covered eyes for the last 5 minutes of class...Now that's a staring contest I don't wanna watch (no pun intended professor sunglasses).

I hope this class goes better than expected and the professor will be able to see that I'll work hard for the grade.  If he doesn't, I'll buy him a pair of sunglasses....

[jamaalgilani-blog]

"HELLO HI!"

Well, I went to a reception on Saturday and obviously it had an open bar.... I don't remember the rest... I'm kidding! I'm no alcoholic but anyways, people took advantage of the open bar since it was the last event of a week long marriage celebration.  Every event was great and fittingly the reception was awesome too.

This story starts AFTER the reception was over.  Pretty much all of us drank and had no way to get back into the city from the hall except for grabbing a taxi which would've cost a fortune (because EVERYTHING costs a lot in Vancouver). Anyways, the hosts of the party were generous enough to let us ride in the Party Bus. 

During the ride I saw the guy next to me concentrating so hard on his phone that I naturally ended up looking at his screen.  Now I didn't read any of the texts but I did see that the conversation was very one sided.  He had an iPhone and the texts that are sent are green and the ones received are gray.. and all I saw was green.  So I said, "dude, this conversation seems one sided, probably should wait for a reply" jokingly and he replied "no man, it's all good, it's my gf...."

I got a tad bit serious and replied, "oh man, it's all good dude, I'm guessing it's a fight?" to which he replied with the line of the night for me....

"Nah, no fight man, I know how to solve this...." He starts typing and it's not very long, or doesn't seem anything close to a "I love you" or "I miss you"... none of that, just two simple words....

"Hello Hi" .... WHAT?!!?! I thought I read the damn text wrong but he put the phone away looked at me, smiled and repeated that in an Indian Accent... HELLO HI! I just laughed and said "noted" to myself. 

Later in the night I saw him stand up randomly and yell "FOOCKKK (fuck) ITT!!" and sit back down calmly while chilling at the house of the people who threw the reception. Pretty sure they broke up?......Let's hope not. 

But if you ever are in an argument, apparently that's the the best way to solve it!  .....HELLO HI in an Indian accent. 

[jamaalgilani-blog]

Did She Just Say That?!

There's a lot of people that always say stuff that cums out wrong... (wait....) Anyways, in their head it could be the most innocent thing but the way it's said is far from it.  Usually these statements are followed with a pause and "wait a minute" look from the person that said it. 

My roommate from this past year, I'm not gonna name names (@juliebulie) has this problem. This was the case when she was fired up after I told her a story and she loudly exclaimed, "man, I'm mad, let's go outside and fuck somebody!!!......wait......I forgot an up didn't I?"

Anyways, I have a friend here in Canada that has ends up saying these statements pretty much every time I see her. 

Example 1:

Okay, so in Canada,  instead of saying, "flipped me off" when talking about sticking up the middle finger, they say "gave me the finger"....

My friend started telling a story and was like "yeah, so this one friend of mine almost ran into this asshole driver the other day and he even had the nerve to finger her".....

PAUSE.....I just giggled said "don't say that! Just say he flipped her off!".....

She was so into the story she continued and said, "What? Say what?!  Gug (our other friend listening to the conversation) fingers me ALL THE TIME.. right gug?" ...I burst out laughing while Gug just shook his head with a slight smile while Mai's face got redder from realizing what just happened.

Example 2:

We were pre-gaming before going out and again, Gug was right there and she was talking to him about my brother's jeans.  He usually wears jeans that are baggier than MC Hammer's cause he doesn't give a flying fuck what he looks like (same hoody every single day) but yeah, on this occasion he was dressed a little different and the following conversation ensued. 

My Friend: "Those are skinny jeans? Gug, do you own a pair?"

Gug: "Nope, but I have bought a few for friends here and there"

My Friend: "Oh yeah, now that I think about it, I don't think I've seen you with pants on..."

Gug: ......

My Friend: Shit....

Example 3:

We were getting ready to play Super Smash Brothers on the Wii because it was just one of those smashing type days where you just wanna smash... yeah. While setting up the game these words flew out of her mouth directed at one of our friends in the room.  

My Friend: "Steve, be careful, I'm gonna smash your ass with a hammer all night today".....

Everyone else: "calm down yo"....

My Friend: "Fuck....I meant in smash...Damnit!"

...Another friend of mine managed something like this where he was talking about baseball and said "I hated baseball man, so boring and too many fucking balls to the face...."

There have been other instances where my particular friend that this post is dedicated to (Hello Mai!!) has done stuff or said stuff that could've been interpreted in such a way.  She's just a "Pause" moment waiting to happen. 

[juliebulie-blog]

The best relationships are the ones that never fight…

or so I thought when I was younger. Growing up and watching my parents fight so much, I just assumed that a functional relationship would consist of no fights and purely “love”.

But as I’m getting older, I know that this is very wrong.

[jamaalgilani-blog]

Damn yo, you should major in English...

For real though roomz. You're too good at this! =)

[jamaalgilani-blog]

Most Memorable Athletes

My brother and I obviously have a lot of time on our hands right now so we started listing our ten most memorable (good or bad) athletes that we've watched from any sport. Who would we remember most 20 years from now! I came up with this list (no particular order).... I concentrated more on the positive except for a couple. Kobe Bryant: Obvious reasons! Love him or hate him, you're gonna remember him. LeBron James: Love him or hate him, you will remember his hairline. Shaquille O'Neal: Sure he tailed off at the end of his career but his personality made up for it and hey, he wasn't so bad on the court either... Steve Nash: I'm Canadian man... What else am I gonna say? He's one of my fucking heroes (thats why I don't play defense). Peyton Manning: I'm glad he got that ring (even though he trails Tom Brady) but this guy's career stats are on another level! Talk about consistency! Tom Brady: Fuck man, I hate the Pats but he's too clutch (fuck him for beating the Rams). I can't help but respect this guy! Ray Lewis: So INTENSE! Oh, and pretty sure he murdered a guy... Pretty sure.... Albert Pujols: He came out of nowhere, and decided to stay. His dominance is going to be remembered and appreciated and if it's found out that he did steroids, it will be really disappointing but not shocking.... Roy Halladay: Man, another bias pick cause he's originally from the Blue Jays but the way this guy works and the way he's just been killing both leagues has to be remembered! Not to mention his no-hitter in his FIRST playoff game! Every team needs a machine like him on the roster. Plus it's my list... Tiger Woods: Whether it's for his historic golf playing, his money earned or his sext messages sent, this guy has been a memorable figure! This guy made me watch golf.... GOLF!! Well, that rounds out my top ten and I could put a few more but these are the guys that I know I will remember for sure whether it was for their excellent play on the court/field/course or for their awesome personalities off them! Honorable Mention for some of the guys I would remember for COMPLETE negative reasons: Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, Sammy Sosa (if not for the steroids, for him suddenly turning white), Roger Clemens, TO, Brett Favre (for the fucking wrangler commercials), Tim Thomas (the Bruins goaltender for fucking up the Canucks chance this past year), Roberto Luongo (the Canucks goaltender for fucking up the Canucks chance this past year).... Here is my bro's top ten: Big Ben Ray Lewis Randy Moss Manu Ginobili (WHAT!?) Kobe Shaq KG Durant David Ortiz Curt Schilling If you cared enough to read this post, hopefully it got you thinking of ten guys... I mean athletes.... Anyways, another long ass post! Sorry guys, and hey mom!

[jamaalgilani-blog]

Break Up Lines...

You always hear people mention "pick up lines" to approach a girl.  You know, such lines as...

Guy: "Are you Jamaican?" Her: "No..." Guy: "Oh, so sorry! I'm so fucking racist"

or

Guy: "Did it hurt?" Her: "What" Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? HMMMM" Her: "Fuck you, I came from my mom's vag" Guy: "So sorry, I'll see you later"

... You guys get the point.  We've all seen them on Fresh Prince where Will Smith says whatever ("girl you must be tired cause you've been running through my mind all day, COME HERE!") and gets away with no consequence.  They're usually corny and girls hate them but I guess some guys use them because they absolutely have nothing else to say to the girl!

That got me thinking though... PIck up lines are hard but BREAK UP lines would be harder.  How come there are no famous or well known Break up lines... except for the usual "it's not you, it's me".  I guess there could be different ways of doing it.

The Finn line: You can do it like Finn from Glee (if you don't get it, I'm sorry).  But there was one episode where he was crying in the car and his gf Quinn comes in and she asks him, "Why are you crying?" and hastily replies, "because I'm breaking up with you!"... I thought that was a clever way to do it! Catching her off guard like that. 

Kenny Smith line: You can probably do it quick and easy and walk out of the room.  "IT'S OVAAAA LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S OVAAAA" but you have to say it like Kenny Smith did here after this Vince Carter dunk in the 2000 Dunk Contest (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jujjs5Qnit8 at the :27 second mark)....I guess it would add to the break up if you dunked something and just walked out like Carter.

The Lebron James line(s): This isn't a specific line but you can pull a Lebron and just check out of the relationship right before the big day of marriage.  Instead of one line, you can just have line after line. "You know, it's just not working right now," "what do you want me to say," "at the end of the day, you're still gonna have a shitty life and I'm gonna live mine", "my hairline sucks"....

A line I heard from a friend: After the break up takes place, you can just kinda yell "YEAH, THAT JUST HAPPENED!!" to make sure the person knows.  To DEFINITELY make sure that person knows....

The Notebook line: You can wait until the girl or guy gets Alzheimer's and then slip them a quick, "You don't even remember me? I'm outta here"....

Chris Brown line: "BITCH!!!" ........I'm kidding...

There's probably a lot more methods of doing it with one liners...like "it's not working" or "I want a divorce".... But there should be more universally known ones like pick up lines because let's face it, break ups are a lot harder! I hope anyone in a great relationship doesn't have to resort to these...

Sorry, I wrote too much, brb, gotta go to Vancouver!

[jamaalgilani-blog]

My dad planking on a car!!! He still got it!

#mydadisfat

[jamaalgilani-blog]

A Little Smile...

..Goes a long way is the saying. 

And you know what, I couldn't agree more! The other day, I was thinking about how many random people we've come across in our lifetime and then my head nearly exploded so I cut it down to one week or month and still had to hold my head.  (this is assuming you leave your house like a normal person).

Anyways, if you're wondering why I was thinking about this, it was because I was driving and the songs of the The Weeknd makes me think about a lot of things.  Well, I thought about how many first impressions that is and how for some people you'll never get a second chance to meet them!

The smile comes in for when you make eye contact or just see someone passing by.  A quick smile to a random person might just make a shitty day into a good one.  I'm not saying to walk around like the joker or creepily smile at everyone because most of the time, they probably won't give a crap but you never know who is watching and who's day you've just made. 

So guys, smile more, it might even help turn your own shitty day around.  Sometimes, I go to the mirror and smile for hours.... Okay... I don't and I hope no one else does either (I hope you didn't believe me). 

So smile more, ladies and gents! And listen to the Weeknd (you probably won't smile as much if you do but it's worth it).

Oh and this isn't anything you haven't heard before but every now and then it's just nice to get reminded! =)

[jamaalgilani-blog]

Just FIVEEEE Minutes....

No, this post isn't about a quickie... whatever that means... but anyways, it's about NAPS.

Everyone's been through it! You know, when you've had a tough day, a tough week or whatever and you FINALLY get those few moments to lie down or sit down and relax a bit.

The situation almost always ends up like this for me: "Man, I'm tired, I think I'll just kinda close my eyes and rest for FIVEEEE minutes.. just FIVEEEE minutes... I'll feel energized!"

...THEN I WAKE UP LIKE 12 HOURS LATER!!!...

The rest is much needed but it's a pretty bad feeling expecting to wake up in 5 minutes but actually waking up HOURS later. 

Happens too often! Next time I'm gonna warn myself when my body is getting ready for it's "five minute" nap... btw, guys, follow your dreams!

[jamaalgilani-blog]

Auxiliary Vultures...

Everyone has a friend that enters the car and IMMEDIATELY goes for the auxiliary cable or the iPod connection and starts playing their own music...

Even though, it's YOUR car! It's terrible because lately, I've been a vulture... I can't help it because I always want to listen to The Weeknd now and no one ever has him!

However, I wasn't like that before but my brother practically has wings and a beak from being such a vulture! He has all the signs!

As soon as they get in the car, they reach straight for the cable or ipod connection instead of the fucken seat belt!

The iPod is connected and is playing music before the car starts so when it does you hear the beautiful song they've selected (which will probably be a song only they like out of everyone in the car)

After they get tired of the first song playing, they shuffle and skip EVERY song until we've pretty much reached our destination.... Unless we're 2 minutes away, which is the perfect time to decide on "that song"!

Fucken vultures....

Damn, I gotta retire my black feathers before I get like my brother.... but seriously...

The moral of this post is to listen to The Weeknd and to always follow your dreams no matter what others say!!

[jamaalgilani-blog]

YOU KNOW BRANDON!!

So I went to Harvey's in Blacksburg over the weekend and I was excited to go because I needed a haircut and my barber in Blacksburg is the only guy I trust with my hair cause he's so good..

I got there at 1PM and saw that my barber wasn't there but I was so desperate for a haircut that I was willing to let Harvey (the owner) or the other fucker (I'll tell you why he's a fucker later) cut my hair so I waited because both of them were busy. 

As soon as Harvey got done I stood up to go towards him and he immediately says "Nope, can't do your hair man, I'm busy"....the fucker is like "come back around 3 aight..."

I turn to Harvey to see what he's doing and that asshole is playing around with nuts and bolts...HE'S NOT EVEN FIXING ANYTHING, he's just juggling them like a fucken clown.  WTF!?

So I get up to leave and say "okay, so is Brandon going to be here at 3 then?" and Harvey replies...

"YOU KNOW BRANDON!! HE'S EITHER HERE OR HE'S NOT... YOU KNOW HOW HE DO!"....WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! Isn't EVERYONE in the world either here or not? or there or not?...Harvey just brain fucked me while holding his nuts and bolts...

Anyways, I killed 2 hours and smoked... SOME BASTARDS ON THE BASKETBALL COURT (HEYYYY!!!) and went back to finally get my haircut...

...There's people waiting... thank goodness I didn't have to wait a long time but when it was my turn to go, I got stuck with the fucker.  No one else even flinched to get up... and now I know why.  This dude violently brushed my hair down after EVERY buzz.  I felt like my neck snapped each time... He also failed to fade like I'm used to or get the shape up like I'm used to. I was in a rush so I got up and THOUGHT it wasn't that bad but when I walked to the closest bathroom and looked, I almost screamed.  Dude, fucked up, therefore is now nicknamed "fucker in the middle chair" from me (there's 3 chairs in Harvey's with him occupying the middle chair). 

Now I know why this dude never has ANYONE go up to him unless they are first time visitors of the shop or there out of desperation....Should I just call him Frankie Muniz cause he's the "fucker in the middle".... damn guy...

[jamaalgilani-blog]

I Don't Think...

I've EVER seen anyone successfully finish a Tumblr challenge thing! Everyone's thought process usually goes like this...

Random Day: Reblog the challenge - "I will finish this! This seems like something I care about!"

Day 1: "Yay, Day 1, so excited!"

Day 2: "shit...I started a tumblr challenge...."

Day 3: (no entry)

Day 4: (no entry)

Day 5: (no entry)

Day 6: "oh fuck, I forgot I started this, here's day 3,4,5 and 6!" 

Day 7: (no entry)

Day 8: "Fuck this challenge..."

Next Day: Reblog another challenge - "I will finish this! This seems like something I care about!"

Haha, I personally think the Tumblr challenge entries are fun to read! Especially the ones that actually do the challenge everyday and write out thoughtful responses!