JASMINE

[jascurtissmith]

Butterfly

Look at your wings

The patterns and colors

Places they've taken you

Smiles you've written with your mere fluttering by

Has anyone ever asked,

"what breaks you?"

Has anyone ever told you,

"your evolution is a journey not many can take"

Those patterns and colors won't change

But the places they'll take you will

Here's to hoping you find the right place

The one where you'll feel that there is no race

[holoescene]

Out there, it’s just you and the water.  Even the mess that’s in your head, you won’t hear them.  All you’ll hear are the waves.   Siargao (2017).

[maria-sy-blog]

“I was young and scared. You wanted to take me away from here. I didn’t want to take you away from your dream.”

—

Abi, Siargao

[jascurtissmith]

🥺❤️

[jascurtissmith]

Christmas with the Curtis-Smith’s 

[jascurtissmith]

It’s only been a year.

Around this time last year I was having the time of my life. The kind of “time of my life” wherein I didn’t care ¬– I was drinking hard, going out every chance I got, getting home at an ungodly hour with greasy food inside of me. I was being 21. 

I thought I was doing the post breakup single life really well, considering that in the first few months I was exercising a lot, eating healthily, always had time for family and friends with just enough time to get myself active and moving. That didn’t last long. After my birthday trip, my eating habits went berserk, gym time became…stay-at-home-to-cure-this-hangover time, the only time I had free I spent out with friends chugging beers and listening to really good music. Anyway, to cut it short, I developed a side of me that people didn’t recognise. I loved every part of it though. It felt like I was living the “normal” life. I was able to go to small bars in the middle of Cubao, share cheap alcoholic drinks and deep drunken conversations about the “adult” life, the love for film, the craziness of our country and of love. Yes. I felt like I was connecting to the real world.

Months later and one weekend getaway later.. reality punched me in the face. A conversation at 11pm after an 8 hour drive back home from the beach awakened me to what I was really doing to myself and to the people around me. All the late night going out and getting sh*tfaced is part of growing up, yes, and what makes it still okay is that I was only 21 years old. But I couldn’t take it any longer. During those days I drowning myself in the thoughts of just giving up on how to handle everything, I was living by the buzz of the beers rather than facing my demons and challenges sober and with thought. My body wasn’t taking it anymore either. I had been to the hospital twice since developing my horrible drinking habits. I wanted out.

A year later and I find myself on a Saturday night, alone in bed with my Papito snoring on his bed. Life is totally different. My boyfriend is out of town for a while getting a shoot done for his surf school and I’m here making good use of my time by filling you all in on what’s been a very good year to me. I honestly don’t regret last year (maybe the amount of alcohol consumed, that’s about it). But what makes me happy tonight is the thought that sometimes it just takes a crazy experience to get your butt kicked so you can get moving and improving again. An experience you grow through rather than just go through. 

PS.I know I promised on Twitter that I was going to post about Europe but that can wait.

PPS. I stopped drinking earlier this year due to my acidity. Don’t get me wrong, I still go out every now and then the only difference is now I stick to one glass per night out. :) Sa lahat ng magsasabing KJ, kayo nalang uminom ng alak para sakin. Tnx. 

[jascurtissmith]

#BakaBukas soon for @c1originals #c1originals 💕

[jascurtissmith]

[jascurtissmith]

Let me just leave this here...

Misconceptions are unavoidable in this industry. This year has definitely been a ride more than anything. I've tried my best to keep who I really am but to be completely honest and open… I lost that girl.

The girl who had goals and direction succumbed to weakness and spiralled downwards emotionally. I was treating everyone differently, often, horribly. And I just did not care. It's even tougher when you feel like the ears once peeled open have shrivelled or been blocked with wax.

I was just trying to follow my heart and people couldn't understand when I was telling them that I had finally found what I wanted to do and who I wanted to become, when I did that I had to tread on my own. People see joy all over my cyberspace but with every bit that I post it’s just my mechanism of hiding the murkiness that was building inside of me. The “band-aid effect.” I guess. Cover it up for now, it'll be fine. The band-aid rips. Replace it again. You forget that you have to let it heal openly. But that's just what I've grown accustomed to. Hiding it all. Sweeping it underneath the rug.

Sure, we all post our own dramatic cryptic tweets, screenshots of songs we echo with, quotes we latch onto because it makes us feel less alone for the few seconds that you read it. Favorites, likes, retweets of all the cyber friends you have… but after all the highlights you throw out for all to see, you come back into bed at night and wonder where you spent all those waking hours. No one to talk to, so you sink into the seams day in and day out.

I’m currently trying to exhale all that has caused me to feel this way. I’ve talked to people that help and I’ve eradicated myself from the crime scene. ~ Hello, Australia ~

Yesterday, I finally got to read the write up in my last cover for the year. (Thank you, Toff my love). “To Pimp A Butterfly” was its title. I never got to really dissect what that phrase meant and so when the writer explained it throughout the article, I kind of withered back into being a caterpillar with band aids all over. I guess I’m physically miles away in order to prepare myself to become the strong butterfly that he calls me, ready for the year ahead where I know many more misconceptions will take place, many more people will not listen, many more times will… - actually, should - bring me down. So far down that it might cause another breakdown. But hey, that will be fine because… Well, what the heck? Am I not making progress now?

To be aware of it all is the greatest power because then I know where to go ahead with it.

So to everyone that I hurt along the way of it all… I deeply apologize. I do.

However, let me make it clear that I do not apologize that I struggled through and through alone and that through the process of that I did not seem to see your end. All I wanted was for someone to take a peek at my end. We are all just trying to become better versions of ourselves in the midst of all the bs we face.  

Since I’m at making an apology already let me end with a thank you to everyone that did put up with everything. And to all those that understood where I was coming from... new and old friends, workmates, family, my supporters, but most of all to the strangers I met at work. The writers that unveiled who I truly am in this chaotic concrete jungle with sore flashing lights. I appreciate every single person that wrote about “#Eagle21″(haha, yes I made a hashtag for myself. How millennial of me). But to Ro and Kara*, you two frightened me with your questions and it was also to the two of you that I was the most honest. Never held back. Challenged and often struggled to answer. And to think both your interviews were also just squeezed in. Thank you a thousand fold because I’ve now gained courage and confidence to say what I want to say in order to make a change and spark hope in myself and to those that are losing it.

Have a happy holiday, everyone! Just wanted to leave something here before I finish this wild year. Grateful to have had all the support everyone gave me from the industry and from my family and friends and my fans (I still can’t believe that I have fans, lol).

*Romeo Moran interviewed me for Scout Magazine Dec ‘15-Jan ‘16. Kara Ortiga for Esquire Magazine Oct ‘15. 

[jascurtissmith]

[jascurtissmith]

Black cloud|dog

And so the leash followed for the longest time It ran Jumped Barked until it was deafening But never enough to become a cloud But Again The clouds have returned. I do see the white clouds How easily they float about The fluff charming thousands A romantic touch between them and the peaks But a drowning motion is occurring Sinking Deep enough Deeper than the rabbit hole Deeper than the darkest soul that's ever fallen in love I try to drown it away Motions on silver screens Ink blotted on pages Thread counts pressed against the skin But the vision is only misconstrued From a soaring eagle to a black cloud Really, just crawling again Breathing Trying Here.

[jascurtissmith]

"If you want to live within the definition of your own truth, you have to choose to go through the initially painful and ultimately comforting process of finding it."

Every Day by David Levithan

[jascurtissmith]

While on the set. . .

[jascurtissmith]

I wanna wail

I don’t know how right now.

I feel like I’m stuck 

In a rut where I don’t know

Am I on the right flow

Or living the way they want me to?

Am I here for the right reasons?

Am I doing this for the right reasons?

Or is it just one of those seasons?

Should I even be thinking this way?

Shouldn’t I be thankful?

Grateful. My life.

Is full of amazing things

Things people would kill for

Die for just to have this

Moment, even just 5 seconds of it

But here I am

Staring

At the sea of lights and 

Nothingness. 

I’m trying to decipher whether this should carry on.

Whether or not I was made for this.

Can I withstand

 All these feelings

Of neutralness?

Who am I to even question all these things?

Do I know what I want?

It’s true no one ever really knows

But everyone has an inkling.

I try

I give up

I try

Again.

Can I ever really stick to one thing?

People say that our generation is bound to be that way.

That that’s the way it’s been paved

By the previous generations

By our parents

By our titos and titas.

Or am I just feeling 

All these feelings because

I feel 

I am entitled to have these feelings.

I don’t know if I’ll figure it out 

Anytime soon.

But I am 

Tired. . . 

Of staring

Of not feeling 

Of covering it up when I’m there

Looking ecstatic

(but) Feeling tired.

When I get home all I do 

is watch series 

instead of living one.

Barely even speak. 

All I want is to be left alone.

Quite ironic.

When you’re there you’re surrounded by people.

People. Friendships.

There’s this thing I learned.

This saying

‘Don’t sink’ 

Yet I feel like 

I’m sinking.

I don’t know what this is. 

They say in books that “it’s fine

To not know”

“Everyone goes through it”

But I cry over and over

“When will I know?”

As I drive and put the blinker on

Carefully switching lanes

I imagine the worst. 

Will that give me new perspective

a life to live.

[jascurtissmith]

MnlHkMel

Sitting here, nothing. Thoughts merely even scratching my brain. I feel my stomach churn. It's been like that for days. I can't eat properly, I can't sleep properly. I watch something to learn something. Nothing. I listen to something to feel something. Nothing. So I toss and turn and toss and turn some more but that just builds to the rapid pace of churning. I try to think of things to think about. Nothing. I look around illuminated seats, tilting aircraft, resounding laughter, and so finally there it was. All I needed were clouds (gee, really hope those were clouds) turbulence, insane panic attack worthy type of turbulence and a window seat. Fear • For a second there my thoughts built up, this could be it. Goodbye. My brain felt alive. I felt an urge to throw up. I learned, in those few seconds, nope, nope, nope. So I toss and turn, shift. And now, as the descend is happening my lids beg to close. With just 9 minutes, could you please just let me be?

[jascurtissmith]

A state of...

[jascurtissmith]

#

So there it goes, that door has closed... for a lunch break. I believe. How eager did time pass, I can’t even. Those weeks of ambivalence, hope, ideas, scribbles, corn beef rice, and smoggy chit chats just hang on and put it all on hold for now. 

I walked into it not knowing what I was getting myself into, “could I possibly even live up to the expectations or hope or potential?” I am unsure, even if assurance is given, I am unsure. With a leap, I took the chance of disappointment but certainly not monotony. Certainly not monotony. This was what I’ve been needing, this was what I’ve been looking for to begin. 

Braving through the EDSA Friday traffic just to get from one end to the other, I did that. We did that. Several times. Dodging those incautious buses, cheapo enforcers, insufferable (count me as guilty) boards plastered all over...everywhere. All that braving and dodging to brave through and dodge the constant feeling of insignificance in my life, of “running out of time, running around in circles in the same city where the expectation of who we’re supposed to be, outshine who we really are.”, of feeling worn out, detached, morose, heavy hearted, woeful.. how many other words could I or should I express this?

I don’t know how I kindled that courage, but I am happy I did it with those brave spirits. I am happy. It ignited a lost soul, one that was near to giving up, losing it, succumbing to popular opinions. Text that spoke of all the things that were overdue to be felt and dealt with, that’s what got me through. That’s what got us through. Add the corn beef rice and a few glasses of fuel and I think we’ve formed what they call the #squadgoalz: murky, loud, naïve, innocent, joyful... courageous. 

NO FILTER: Let’s Talk About ME. was not just a show. It was a life we lived for people who had memories, #feels/#hugot, hopes and dreams, curiosity.. to share so that it would be heard by those who might resonate. To not feel alone. 

I am not alone. It will get better. After all, we are just beginning. 

~~~~~~

My utmost thanks to absolutely everyone that was part of SEASON 1 for NO FILTER. Yes, I am claiming it. Season 1 palang yan! 

My management - VCM: Mama Betchay, Rona, Naz! 

Tita Pauline Gaerlan (slowly), Anissa Aguila (nissa g), Bianca Sarte (sarts, hihi), Myka Cue (Child), Sofia Surtida, Issa Tuason, Ross Du, Maryss Ong, Peri Santiago, Kayla Teodoro, Miggy Panganiban, Maronne Cruz, Jorge Wieneke, Sari Campos, Joee Manalo, Kenneth Keng and Aryn Cristobal of SPIT, Bia Carbagan, Raymond Ang. 

Our Writers: Marga Bueneventura, Jonty Cruz, Samantha Lee, Luigi Gonzales, Ayana Camille Tolentino, Audrey Carpio, Petra Magno, Anna Canlas, BP Valenzuela (beeeepeeeee), Anna Oposa, Regina Belmonte, Don Jaucian, Gabbie Tatad, Paolo Lorenzana, and Jace Espino (jaaaace, girl).

Our Head Writers: Wanggo Gallaga (Wangs :D) and Jam Pascual (hi).

My castmates: Lauren Young (lolo), Saab Magalona (saaaab), Cai Cortez (Ms. Cai), Sarah Facurri (Seeeeruhh), Khalil Kaimo (Kel), Micah Muñoz (Tito Micah) and Mikael Daez (Mikking In Action, lelz).

Everyone’s special someone: Arianna (hi, kabit here), Papa Jim Bacarro, Papa James Gregorio, Nelsitoo, Robbie (B!), and boyfie Marts.

Maine Manalansan (amainezing), Anna and Santi Santamaria!, Sab Jose (SabHo), and of course everyone’s love: TOFF DE VENECIA.

Kisses to everyone that supported our souls in our show. This was not just for us, the writers, nor just the prod, this was for YOU too.

[jascurtissmith]