It has been a while since I have written an entry on here which is something that I regret. I remember why I began this outlet of my feelings and I need to reacquire the ability to express my inner thoughts, my inner feelings, my inner secrets.
It has been a crazy year. I began it at GGC where I loved my classes and all of the work that was accompanied by them. I loved connecting with my YSA peers both at my home ward and at the Sugar Hill Stake. I loved feeling alive again. Then, my priorities began to switch for what at the time I thought were for the better; however, in retrospect, it does not seem so. I should not have stopped going to my classes; I should not have stopped going to the YSA activities. I should have continued on my path to SVU and trusted in the spiritual motivation to go there. Unfortunately, my thoughts and my path became clouded with different paths: the clubs, the acting, periscope, youtube, different things that ultimately shifted my gaze off of the eternal perspective. I used the word cloudy because it reminds me of the BoM story of Lehi’s vision with the fog that obscured the different paths of life.
Dont get me wrong, all that I did last semester, I will always remember that as incredible times and will most likely play a role somewhere in my future, especially the YouTube channel that I began. I really would like to continue doing videos when I climb this seemingly insurmountable wall of stress that is blocking my fun, loving, caring, creative self.
Yes, there is a figurative (and perhaps literal) wall of an unknown material that is impeding my process to think clearly, to think rationally, to plan for the future, to be social, to be myself essentially. I finally have come to understand why it is I do not want to leave the house, why I do not want to go to church, why I am unable to do so many things that I know I am capable of (P.S. - I am wearing some incredibly uncomfortable shorts that appear to be way to small for my legs). My father, who has always been the source of much grief in my family, has come full circle on me. It seems that I will never escape the overwhelming sense of suffocation that he vibes.
Perhaps that is what is causing the wall - suffocation on his part. It seems wrong to blame him for what I am experiencing, but there is no other alternative. Mom thinks that I am having internal battles that I am not aware of. If so, the battles must be similar to D-Day or the battle for Gettysburg - horrible, gruesome bloodsheds where in reality, no one comes out conqueror. Then again, that is the nature of war.
From such simple interactions with my father, I feel my head reel with what I imagine it feels like to have a small boy kick your head repeatedly. Obviously, this is a problem; I cannot stay here. Without having something to distract myself with, aka school, I cannot live under this roof with an energy sucker. Mike feels the same way apparently which is why he will probably move out soon. Good for him.
Well, then what shall I do? Mom and I brainstormed into potential options for what I will do before I can go to school to make up all the Fs that I received this past semester (that partially makes me laugh, knowing that I got all those Fs). We came up with the following: move to live with a relative or discover a method of counseling that will help.
I will let y’all know what we decide. But I do know this: I will continue to do this as a way of a therapeutic release.
