I was fine, until I wasn’t.
May mga araw na nagtatanong ako, “Bakit ako umabot sa punto na ito?”
“Bakit kailangan ko maramdaman ito?”
I knew for a fact that I am not myself lately, I sought professional help. I was diagnosed with Moderate persistent depressive disorder
“Ako, depressed?” It was a hard pill to swallow. I was in denial for quite some time, even refused to take the meds since I think hindi ko naman kailangan yun. Until sinabi ko sa sarili ko, kailangan ko imumin yun kasi gusto ko gumaling. The will was always there, I became fine again through the help of pills until nagkaubusan ng mga gamot. For days I wasn’t myself again. I was frustrated and anxiety kept attacking me. Then I said to myself, ”Can I give up now?”
I was crying so hard that I got tired and fell asleep.
I woke up in the middle of night thinking hard, it was a good sleep actually. I saw a familiar face in my dream. He asked me, “Anong problema?” and I answered him, “Ako daw”
Sa totoo lang gusto ko rin malaman ang sagot. Kasi nasasaktan ako pero hindi ko alam saan nangggagaling. Habang nagkkwentuhan kami, may mga sinabi sya.
“Lahat naman ng hiniling mo at pinagdasal kasi naramdaman ko yung sincerity binigay ko sayo. Yung mga dasal mo 70% siguro para sa ibang tao yung natititira yun lang yung sayo. Hindi ka naman madamot, lahat nga nabibigyan mo basta meron ka. Lahat ng tagumpay mo, sila rin nakikinabang. Pag mahal mo yung tao, pinaparamdam mo sa kanila kahit wala ka nakukuha na reciprocation. Nagparaya ka sa lahat ng bagay. Now, let me heal you. Ikaw naman.”
Was I having a conversation with God? Was he answering all my unanswered questions? I want to believe na it was him. I am willing to wait, sa tamang panahon ang alam ko ibibigay nya rin itong peace na inaasam ko.
Lord, Thank you kasi even in my darkest days pinaramdam mo sa akin na hindi ako mag isa. Na kailangan ko lang tatagan yung faith at tiwala ko sa’yo. I am offering everything to you, Lord. Kahit mahirap at masakit magtitiwala ako.
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