I have been neglecting my writing for a while now, caught up in life, yet it feels like I've been neglecting life in of itself by doing so.
As I look out the car window into the nightsky, seeing our galaxy loom over me, into the somber night, the light millions of light years away touching my pupils; through them tugging at my heartstrings.
So much confusion, peace, love, resentment, loniless, and yet appreciation for life. This is why I'll always look up, always chase a sunset, always, try to surround myself in nature. Only these experiences could make me such strong emotions and love for life.
Seeing the stars so far off from me, yet the moon larger than life. As if I could reach out my window and grab a piece. I can't help but wonder if love is millions of light years away from me or whether it's around the corner wait to be grasped. Surrounded by family yet homesick, is truly a curse and blessing. Fortunate are those that experience the joys of family and yet unfortunately you can have all the family around you and still be surrounded by your loneliness.
This is not unfamiliar territory, though you have always been alone. Loneliness is a good friend of ours. I find that every time I allow myself to feel and open myself up, I begin to believe that perhaps even I am able to experience that warmth. However, as soon as I become accustomed to this philosophy, the world gets pulled from under my feet, knocking me on my ass. A reminder of the cold reality of where I truly must belong.
These are the roles I can play for others. These are the roles I excel at. Right now the future seems so unsure. For someone who is so sure footed to those around him, I feel at a loss when I try to come up with a bigger picture than these roles that I play for others. What does my story look like? Who's main character am I, if not my own?
Questions. That's something I am very good at, I love to think, I love to wonder, and I love to think, and most of all, I love to question. I wish I was just as good at coming up with answers. I can sit on a cliff's edge over a 100 foot drop into the endless ocean as the sunsets over the mountains. For hours my eyes graze the infinite horizon for answers and yet I'll leave the very spot with even more questions.
Some questions I have yet to find answers to.
My entire life, I have had a feeling, like all this energy in me, all the skillsets, the different attributes I have, I must be destined for a special moment. Yet I feel none of this has happened. This cannot be it, I feel like one day I'll die a sudden death saving someone, or invent something, or be at the right place right time to use all my skills to save someone, to change the world. Perhaps I have the missing key inside me to make this world a better place. I don't know. Perhaps my grandiose is just that hyperactive. Will I ever do something worth more? To impact lives. Or is my current self what I am destined for?
My entire life, I gave grown-up alone. People come and go. I've been embossed into this reality since birth. However, I can't help but yearn for home. A place of being wanted, not as any of the roles above but being wanted as I am. Every since bibi passed away, I feel my last companion in this world left me. Now I wander in search for someone who can see me, who can notice me as she noticed me. Her shinda putt, nothing missed her. She loved to sit and listen to my stories. She was my pen, my paper, my sword, my shield, my world, my heart. To this day, tears blur my vision as I think about the void I am left to fill since she left. Will I ever have a home? Will I ever be loved? Will someone ever want to listen? Will someone care to ask? Will someone feed my soul and body? Will someone share a sunset, a starry sky, a good movie, a fireplace, a warm meal, and hot chocolate with me and still have their eyes for me? It's unfair to have such a pressure there for someone, and perhaps that's why I find myself alone, I refuse to settle for love that isn't this deep. I am able to accommodate and okay roles for everyone else in my life, I just want one person I can be myself for. A love so deep it transcends distance, time, language, and touch. A love of souls. Perhaps this will be the one thing I lose at in life l, since I've been fortunate with the others.
It is about perspective. You win what you perceived a win. You could run into first place and still consider it a loss if you dont run the time you'd hope for yourself. Meanwhile, the 5th place runner could have set a personal record and cares not for a podium. Which would I rather be? The podium is nice, and so is the high of a dopamine rush from crushing your limits. The answer for me is inconclusive, life is a balancing act between the podium and the perspective. Somethings in life are worth being unhappy for until you achieve the results you seek like a podium or new promotion, however, don't let it consume you to the point where you are not able to appreciate the 5th place finishes.
This text is, but a drop currently in my well. I am everywhere and anywhere, as we drive back to Barcelona, sad and yet at peace, as if I've become to love the sadness. The familiarity brings comfort. It is not alarming or estranged. I wish it were not so.
The irony lies in the fact that I enjoy a very fortunate life, currently I am on day 13 of a month long vacation, hitting all of Spain, UK, Scotland, Ireland. I have the job I worked very hard to acquire. I have a roof over my head and the food i require. I have two beautiful children in my life that I raised as if they were my own and another one on the way, that I hope to shower with the same love.
Perspective really is everything, I feel like I deserve better at work, I desire proper travel partners who can appreciate life, and these things I chase during my travels with the same passion as me. I have a roof over my head. However, I wish it was a roo I built myself. I have two beautiful kids who, at the end of the day, are not mine. They, too, shall return to their lives, no matter how long the sleep over. I have everything yet nothing. Surrounded by girls who would love to spend their days with the idea of who they think I am, none who feel like the missing puzzle piece I've been searching to complete me.
I believe the fault is within me, I surmise that I must bring forth change to see chnage. I find myself unsure of what that looks like. What else can I possibly do. I carry myself to the best of my abilities, I walk with my best foot forward. Just today, I was driving through the reales region when I noticed a car stuck in a ditch. My immediate reaction was to turn this manual car around (to the best of my abilities🥲) and hop out to help the older lady get it unstuck. I don't mention it to stroke my own ego. This is just the energy I wish to put out to the world, the embodiment of sikhi.
I realized just now....with this simple word, WAHEGURU. It is my selfishness to blame, for wanting anything at all. It is not about what I want. It has always been about what I can do for others. I think I have been surrounded by self-serving people too much recently and became engrossed in the a self pity cycle. I should not concern myself with what love lies for me, I should not be concerned with what I deserve at work. The roof over my head, no matter who it was built by, it was provided by the almighty. Just the same almighty gave me a nephew and niece who allowed me to experience fatherhood. Without this self reflection, I would not feel this current peace. Do not put out there to receive. What comes your way is simply as is. You can attempt to control it, yes, and you should make your best efforts to achieve your goals. However, do not allow your ego to get you caught up in dispointment on matters that were never in your hands. This world does not revolve for you. It does not rotate for anyone. Just like the stars, just like the galaxy, you too are a small ball of energy in an infinite vial of energy. Just make sure yours is a positive one so you can charge the cells and ions around you positively. Surely soon, you'll find yourself a part of a chemical reaction surrounded by bonds.
As my drive nears an end, the sun has set on today. I will go on into a new day with this reminder in my heart. Thankful for the ability, to feel, to see, touch, write, read, experience the colours of this world, to be energized by its wonders. I am thankful for being about to think and write my thoughts as if solving a math equation, untangling my heart into a straight thread. A thread I can come back to in times of darkness and follow back into the light.
Nanak naam jahaz hai, charhe so utre paar,
Jo sharda kar sevde, gur paar utaran haar.
O Nanak, the name of God is a ship, one boards to alight across the ocean (this world is akin to an ocean). Whosoever serves with devotion, the Guru assists (him/her) in alighting across (the ocean).
Didn't think this would turn religious, yet religion has grounded me. I am glad I discovered my religion in my own accord and was not forced into. It strengthened my bond with myself hence helps me connect with aspects of it so deeply as it came of free will. Today it's helped clear my mind alongside this space for me to shower with my thoughts. Clearly, I've neglected writing. Clearly, I should come back to it more often.
Bibi menu Teri yaad baut aundi
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