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I turned 24 today, and spent it in self-isolation as a member of my household has been tested positive for the coronavirus. This is my second time in self-isolation. It was an okay day I suppose, I struggled an awful lot today, but it was okay nonetheless. I got clothing of my favourite band which is nice. I know that I am a “negative nelly” but I am struggling. I still miss her very much, and I am thinking about her an awful lot. I worry about her, and her family’s well-being, and I wish them all good health, I hope that they’re safe and most importantly I hope they’re happy. And I mean that with no malice, I say this out of love. I care. I still haven’t touched social media since April 2020 after the incident, I haven’t used my phone since April 2020 too. I literally answer my calls on my watch to bypass not having to use my phone. This is sad. I really want to get back in contact with her. I adore her too much.

Stay strong, stay safe. I miss you.

Happy Valentine’s day. I’ll be thinking of you.

I hope you are safe and well. I can’t help but worry about you still. I hope your whole family are doing well too as I think of them too. I will always be your biggest supporter in every thing you do.

I am still struggling very much, and I am still too afraid to go on so many devices of mine; my phone, switch, steam, discord, social media and so much more. I am talking with my therapist to help me overcome these hurdles and I hope it will help. I am making progress.

You will always be in my mind, always rooting for you.

Happy Birthday and Happy New Year. I hope you have both the most amazing day and the most amazing year. I will always be thinking of you, and like I said, I will always be your biggest supporter. I miss you and want what’s best for you. You’re everything to me. Happy Birthday.

A year today

Its been a year today since my break up, and it still hasn’t got any better. I was hoping that the pain I am feeling would slowly go away, and whilst in some instances it has for a short while, it’s still there. I don’t like feeling this way, but I also don’t want to let go.

I still cannot help but worry about her, and her family so very much. I don’t want anything to ever happen to them, I do care about them, their happiness and their well-being. I just hope she is well, safe and happy. That’s all I want. I want to play animal crossing, stardew valley, and just about anything with her.

I am still too scared to go on my mobile phone, Nintendo switch and many others as well.

I constantly think about her still, and use her as motivation continually to push me through. I have also booked an appointment to see a therapist at my university too.

My Nan passed away over the weekend due to her stage 4 stomach cancer. This is causing my more grief.

I won’t blabber on as I could write a whole novel.

I miss you.

I really want to contact her, but I am too scared to. I am not ready. I want to be apart of her life, but I am not going to force it to happen. I know this is a long shot but I have been approved for the Green Card lottery diversity program so I am hoping that I am one of the chosen few.

Today would’ve been our anniversary. I really, truly hope that she is well, safe and happy. I miss you so very much still. I am still too scared to go on my phone, switch, social media and laptop. I am still a wuss. At the moment I am self-isolating because one of my housemates was tested positive last week. I did a course transfer so now I am studying psychology instead of finance and I am enjoying it much more. Stay strong, stay safe and I hope your family is well and safe too. If you do come across this please send them my love. I wish them well.

I leave to go to Uni tomorrow. I am going to Sussex Uni in Brighton so who knows... I may meet PewDiePie or JackScepticEye hmmm. Anyways this opportunity is fantastic and I am excited to being doing a degree in Finance. I have also enrolled in a couple of Psychology courses too which equate to 15 credits each so I may get a minor in Psychology when I am finished with my degree. I am still very sad and struggling about my ex. I miss her so very much, and I wish for her to be safe, well and especially happy. All I want is the best for her, and I hope that she, and all her family are safe and well. I want her to be happy, and I hope that she really truly is. It’s been over 9 months since the breakup. Like I said I am still struggling, I haven’t gone on social media since Jan and since the incident back in April. I am still so sorry about what she did, and I despise her so very much still. But it’s also motivated me to get away and to do a massive f u to my immediate family as they’re all not the nicest. But, my biggest inspiration is my ex. She, at the time (and I hope she still do today), wanted me to strive and want to do the very same. Having watch her work etiquette from when she was at College has really pushed me into doing just that, and for that I want to say again thank you. Thank you for everything. I am still too scared to go on Facebook, Twitter, Steam, Switch, Phone and pretty everything other than my iPad. God I miss playing games and doing things with you. I wish we could play Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing together again. I wish I could see you. I know this is more or less an obsession at the end of the day but I can’t help but feel what I feel. I’ve been going out (albeit though the Backstreet Boys reunion tour) with my friends, trying to distract myself and to overall become a better, more improved person. I am trying to stay strong, and I think that when I am at Uni I will go see a therapist because I am fairly sure this is PTSD or something. Anyways I thought I would give you an update on life. Stay safe, stay strong, and I hope you are happy. I miss you very much.

I hope you and your family is safe and well. Happy 4th of July, thinking of you

I am writing this because I cannot really talk to anyone anymore without frustrating them or bothering them, and I really need to let this out. So it’s been almost six months since my breakup and I’m honestly struggling still. Some days are better than others and some are worse than others. But it is what it is. I do miss her every day, and not to mention I think about her too. I still worry about her, and with the “backstreet boys reunion tour” it makes me worry about her even more. I know she is probably well and fine but I can’t help it. When she said that she didn’t want to be in contact with me a month after the breakup I was devastated, but I respected what she wanted and didn’t contact her. She then contacted me again after two months and I was both scared and overjoyed. When she contacted me on Facebook I didn’t really know what to do, so I asked a few of my friends and a lot of them told me not to respond otherwise I will hurt myself, and some told me that if you do to be careful too. I decided to respond because I didn’t want to ignore someone I deeply care about. My Mother did something that honestly I cannot even forgive to this day, and that was to contact my ex and tell her not to contact me again. When I found out I was devastated, and still clearly am. I honestly cannot forgive her for this, but I know she did it as so I wouldn’t hurt myself even further. Still doesn’t give the right to do that. I have been looking for places to move to (and I have three in mind) after furlough is loosened even more. I also want to move away, and leave this country to get away from my mother, and my family here. I have applied for the US green card diversity lottery so maybe I could win haha, but I doubt it. Before that message was sent to her (which I have still not read) I was going to send her my animal crossing new horizons tote bag as I wasn’t going to use it. We agreed to it. Anyways I sent the tote bag after the message and wrote two letters to her in the package. One was to enjoy the tote bag and other was something to remember me by. Truth be told I wasn’t expecting a response but then again I don’t know because I haven’t touched my nintendo switch, phone or laptop. I am too scared to. I would love for her to message me but then again I am too afraid to check. Ever since my Mother sent the message to her I haven’t looked at nor touched my switch or phone, and I am so desperately wanting to play Animal Crossing again. I haven’t even been able to check out the new updates which sucks. I haven’t checked my phone because I am honestly a coward lol. Actually this breakup has been really difficult for me because there are a lot of things I struggle to do or listen because it reminds me of her. For example I cannot listen to a lot of my music that I enjoy such as Dance Gavin Dance (and they have a new album coming out this year), Blink 182, Clever Girl and many more. But with that being said I have recently discovered a Jazz/Rock/Metal instrumental band called Arch Echo which are pretty neat. I struggle to sleep too. Thankfully I do not drink excessively. But I have gotten into wine now which is nice. At the end of the day all I want is for her to be happy, and if she’s happy then I won’t intrude on that happiness ever. I want you to have all the happiness in the world, and I wish I could give it to you if I could. Thank you for the memories. With all that being said I have been trying to progress myself too. I had a few interviews with JP Morgan for an apprenticeship and I made it pass 3/4 of the way there. Passed the telephone interview, passed their tests and passed their team-based activites too. Unfortunately I did not pass the insight evening but oh well. It is what it is. I applied to university (to study finance) and have been accepted to 3 out of the 5 I chose. Actually the last university that offered me a place I had a Skype interview with them and it went really well. The interview lasted 1.5 hours which is nice. I applied to university because of mainly my ex, and seeing her work ethic was really inspiring to me. Seeing her focus and study so often honestly made me so proud of her, and how much she cared about her studies, and I wish to do the same. Thank you. You made this my desire for me to succeed. I hope you are well and I hope to hear from you in the future if possible. I miss you very much.