JealousyKilledTheMan

a place for me to let go of all those thoughts swirling at high speed in my brain

[jealousykilledtheman]

Effortlessly

I hate that most of the time, I realize things too late. This time? It was her silence. Her silence was slowly hooking me. I knew it was hooking me, thought I would be strong enough. Lies. Complete obvious lies. And without realizing it, her and her silence were the reason ground fell under my feet. And without realizing it, her and her silence were the reason my world fell apart. And without realizing it, her and her silence, effortlessly, led to my confusion. Really huge and bad confusion. That confusion that led to my end.

[jealousykilledtheman]

Truth is, you will be invisible to most people you meet in your life. Is there an easy way to be visible to these people? Yes. Make sure they see you as someone they can abuse of. You don't want to be used by people for their own good? Stay invisible. With, all that said, try to make people feel visible to you. Because truth is, most people you meet in your life will be invisible to you.

[jealousykilledtheman]

I don't even know where to start... Really? Even my sister lies to me now? I thought family would always be honest and that was like, one of the only people I could always ALWAYS believe no matter what... How do you feel after that? I love to learn, but let's be honest, the less you know, the better you life is. The less you know, the less you have to worry. The less you know, the more you can be happy about little things. The less you know, the more you actually believe in people. The less you know, the better you feel.

[jealousykilledtheman]

Why do we feel the way we feel? Why do we feel things in a way we don't want to feel them? Why do we feel some things way stronger than others? Why do we feel so devastated about something, even though we KNOW it is no big deal? Why do we feel?

[jealousykilledtheman]

Regrets

Really? REALLY?

Sometimes (read: every FU***ING day) I make a bad decision. And then, the consequences of my actions follow me. And then i’m sad and I’ve made people sad. And what is on top of that?

Regrets. Lots of regrets.

I keep telling myself everything will go away and i’ll feel better. And I succeed for a day or two and then… BANG! Regret monsters come back. Stronger than ever. More than ever.

And it’s harder to have them go away everytime. I tell myself i’m strong and it’s in the past and blah blah blah… but no. It’s always getting harder.

Yes, it could be simple, but i’m stuck in that neverending circle where you feel bad about something so you try to make a decision based on that, which makes you feel bad somewhere else and then you try to cheer another side up, but then the other side suffers…

Does it need to be so complicated? Am I complicating things?

Maybe. And by maybe, I mean, yes I know I do. But i’m at that point where everytime you try something, it fails. It alway fails.

I know I know. I should continue to try, and all that bullshit. But damn, impossible. I know, again that I shouldn’t say that. Meh. I just can’t try anymore…

I don’t mean i’ve tried everything. I know there’s always more to do, more ways to try, more things to learn and more more more. It’s just… If I compare this to an Role Playing Game, i would say… I don’t have any spirit points left… I don’t have any “motivation” points left…

I’m working as hard as I can and bosses promised me things. When I met the expectations they gave me, they didn’t even remember what they promised me.

I applied for a new job. Did the online camera interview, did an “online test” that took around an hour, I did a phone interview, I also did an “in person” live interview at the workplace… NOT EVEN A CALL BACK! I tried to call them. No answer. Called them multiple times, no answer. Left a message. No call back.

As for what I do in my free time? I play video games. Even though i’m bored and I fall asleep playing games, I can’t stop. I feel like I have to play. I’m plating that MMOFPS game called Destiny? Pfff, not having a life outside of work for like 2 months and a half now.

So the more i’m wasting my time, the more I feel like all my time and even my existence is wasted. My whole human being is somehow wasting oxygen that could go to other people.

I’m completely healthy. Why? Some other people could live instead of me, it would be WAY more worth.

Anyway, so the point is, why are human beings like me wasting or time? Are we waiting for something to happen? ‘Cause I don’t really have the energy or the willpower to make something happen… And it better happens fast… before I make one hell of a bad decision.

~JKTM

[jealousykilledtheman]

Happiness

How do you define happiness? Is it simply a feeling? Something that helps loneliness? Or just a way of thinking?

How do you define happiness? Is it simply happening? Something you live on a daily basis? Or a powerful way of seeing?

One thing is for sure Happiness comes with a smile So stop looking obscure And adopt this new lifestyle

~JKTM

[jealousykilledtheman]

When you finally find the answers to your questions When you finally find a reason to wake up every morning When you finally has something to hold on to But you have to let it all go... Where's the fairness?

[jealousykilledtheman]

This weekend, I learned a huge difference between men and women. When a guy hangs out with a girl and she is his kind of girl and she is really awesome, well, the guy wants more. And I don't mean sex! I mean he wants to play with her hair, he wants her to sleep with her head on him, he wants to protect her, he wants to be "the man" for her. However, I spoke with my best friend's sister, and she said exactly these words about a guy she might be into: "Even if we don't become more than friends, I'll be satisfied." Never ever would a guy say that, and it STRUCK ME! That we are 100% different, men and women, on that point. And it explained a bit more why a friendship between a man and a woman is so difficult and complicated, unless no one is into the other. So that was what I learned this weekend that kind of, really made me think about what I really want right now. I guess being in that situation, I have to either convince myself to go away, or play my cards, really, really well...

[jealousykilledtheman]

Pain

Sometimes Late at night It still hurts I'm trying not to think about it Telling myself it's in the past It still hurts I have a great day Then I come back home It still hurts I try to occupy every second of every minute But when I'm thinking in bed It still hurts The pain changes though From mistake-pain, to memories-pain, to missinggoodtimes-pain but It still hurts The problem is not with others I should be the one most helping myself but It still hurts "You're strong enough" they said "It's better this way" they said but It still hurts Will the pain ever go away? Or will the life end first? Cuz it still hurts...

[jealousykilledtheman]

She was everything She had everything How could I let her go?

She was everything She had everything How could I not let her know?

She was everything She had everything But I couldn’t tolerate a few mistakes so…

Now I’m left All alone

~JKTM

[jealousykilledtheman]

I left her. It was my decision. I kept almost everything.

She moved out. She was suffering. She was broken-hearted.

5 months later

I think about her on a daily basis. I still believe in us. I want her back.

She has a boyfriend. She is happy. She let the past go.

I guess we can say And I really hate to say it But I deserve this.

Shame on me.

~JKTM

[jealousykilledtheman]

They say what’s crap to someone might be gold in someone else’s hands.

But life is made that, as soon as it’s in someone else’s hands, it now looks like gold and we want to have it back.

We’re bad at keeping things, even worse at seeing their complete and real value.

Don’t wait until it’s in someone else’s, cherish it as gold everyday, even if it looks like crap on some days.

~JKTM

[jealousykilledtheman]

When you feel like every single day is a waste When you feel like your life is completely on hold When you feel like all your problems are mountains When you feel like you don’t like anything anymore

What’s missing?

When you feel like nothing you do is good enough When you feel like all the possibilities are without a good end When you feel like all decisions taken were wrong When you feel like you don’t know where you’re going anymore

What’s the point?

~JKTM

[jealousykilledtheman]

Love yourself so no one has to, But always become a better person you must.

So that when a person loves you as much as you do, Only now you will know you can trust.

~JKTM

[jealousykilledtheman]

Nostalgia

Is it because I miss the good times? Is it because I miss them? Is it because I miss the memories? Is it because I miss my memories?

Is it because I need someone? Is it because I feel all alone? Is it because I cry at night? Is it because I feel cold at night?

Is it because I made bad decisions? Is it because I pushed things too far? Is it because I wanted so much? Is it because I wanted too much?

Is it because I am still living behind? Is it because I want to go back in time? Is it because I miss the good times? Is it because I miss the good times? ~JKTM

[jealousykilledtheman]

Yesterday, i broke up with my girlfriend.
Today, i’m completely heartbroken. Why does this happen? I know it’s better off this way for both of us… so why am I feeling so sad and heartbroken? She was my first girlfriend and so this is my first breakup. And i’m so sad right now. Of course i know i would be sad. But i didn’t know it would be so hard. I feel like, completely on purpose, i was ripping a part of me from my skin on all my body. The feeling is unbearable. Why is love so complicated? I knew at the beginning that it was complicated but at the same time… can’t I just love her? I miss her, i want to hold her in my arms and yet… there is no love involved. For now, my heart is shattered. My soul feels like it’s missing something.
But again i’m the only one to blame. Yes, pain is really close to love, WAY too close. ~ JKTM

[jealousykilledtheman]

No matter what is happening right now. No matter where you are. No matter what you've been doing all day. No matter who you're with. Someone cares.

No matter if you're the worst. No matter if you're the sweetest. No matter if you're a huge junkie. No matter if you're straightedge. Someone cares.

No matter what hurtful things you say. No matter what others say to you. No matter how you're feeling. No matter if you have a smile on your face. Someone cares.

No matter what everyone thinks. No matter what everyone says. No matter what everyone does. No matter what everyone sees. Someone cares.

No matter how bad you wanna die. No matter how preventing you are. No matter if your life is planned out already. No matter if you're studying or not. Someone cares.

Sometimes, life is going pretty roughly. You wish you could just wake up in a few days, weeks or months. Unfortunately, it's impossible. 

What everyone needs to know though, is that there will always be someone to care. Whether that person is far away, or right next to you. Someone cares, never worry about that. 

So let yourself be helped by whoever it is, consciously or unconsciously.

No matter who is offering help. No matter how close the person is. No matter what kind of help he/she is offering. No matter if you are already healed or not. Someone cares.