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[jerrymabbott]

What A Smart You Know What!!!

In a debate class, our teacher placed a chair at the front of the class. He told us to write a paper convincing him that the chair wasn’t real. Some kids wrote very creative and long arguments but mine was only two words and I got an A. It read, “What chair?”

I did something similar in a broadcasting class. Part of the curriculum was to learn the fine art of public speaking. The instructor stood…

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[jerrymabbott]

What A Hack!!!

I’m a terrible golfer. The last time I went, a shot landed in the deep rough, in the trees. I used my seven iron to attempt to get out. Then I saw a skeleton with a seven iron by his side. I know! I was startled and immediately got my nine iron. Clearly I wouldn’t get out with the seven iron.

Somewhere in the Mabbott family gene pool, something went completely haywire. I have three athletic…

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[jerrymabbott]

Are You Kidding Me?? I'm Hot!!

Are You Kidding Me?? I’m Hot!!

A friend and I met up at a night club. When he got there he told me, “See those girls over there? When I walked by one of them said nine. She digs me.” I said, “I hate to tell you this but when I walked by they were speaking German.”

I’m so glad I stopped going to those nightclubs in the 80’s. All of these people playing the game. Guys thinking every lady in the joint has the hots for him, women…

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[jerrymabbott]

Take Me Back!!!

I thought about writing a joke about time travel but only three of you liked it.

I wish time travel was real. I don’t think I would want to see what’s in store in the coming years, but I would definitely love to relive many moments in my past. Most of them would involve successful practical jokes, of course, but there are other things too.

The birthing of my children would be at the top of the…

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[jerrymabbott]

Seriously? Dude, She's Ugly!!!

Seriously? Dude, She’s Ugly!!!

Last week I met a guy at a neurology clinic. He kept telling me how beautiful his girlfriend was. He pulled her picture up on his phone and I said, “Wow! You should see my wife.” He asked if she was beautiful too. I said, “Yeah, but she’s also an eye doctor.”

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That’s mostly true, but especially for the blind or ‘Shallow Hal’. I would think that…

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[jerrymabbott]

I'll Be Back!!!!

I’ll Be Back!!!!

I got my haircut last week. Heather said she was going to get a drink at Starbucks. The salon clerk said “Ma’am, you’ll need to leave us you’re drivers license. We need to know there’s something you’ll want to come back for.”

I don’t enjoy haircuts. Ironically, I like the way it looks and feels afterward, but I guess it’s just the process that gets to me. Firstly, there are very few things…

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[jerrymabbott]

I'm Not Going To Resign!!!

I’m Not Going To Resign!!!

Due to my tweet about shooting my neighbor yesterday, the city is demanding that I step down from being caretaker of my two toy schnauzers. The dogs have no opposable thumbs and one only has six teeth. What are they going to do, bark someone to death?

I think I’m going to close my Twitter account. So many people have lost their jobs, friends and freedom because they clicked on the Tweet button…

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[jerrymabbott]

You Crossed The Line!!!

Some practical jokes can get out of hand. I started yelling set up lines at my neighbor. Then about an hour later I’d yell the punch line. He laughed every time. The last time, though, he didn’t laugh so I shot him. The nerve. I’m currently honing my prison gang set list.

Sometimes people don’t get my jokes. I always blame them, naturally, because all of them are funny! Every single one of them!…

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[jerrymabbott]

Flying Monkeys????

Before we got married, we had dinner with Heather’s parents. She told me that her Mom is opinionated and mean. I assured her I could stand up to her. I didn’t and Heather wanted to know why. I said “It got to the point where I was more afraid of the flying monkeys looming outside the restaurant.”

Actually, my Mother-in-law is a wonderful person and I love her. I say that because she reads this…

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[jerrymabbott]

I Got 100%!!!

When I was a kid, I really didn’t care much about school. I would much rather make people laugh than get good grades. One time I came home and told my Mom I got 100%! She was excited. I said, “Yep, I got a 50 in history, a 30 in English and a 20 in German.”

Yeah, that didn’t go so well. I know! I thought it was funny, too. Oh well, I survived and my siblings laughed and that was all that really…

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[jerrymabbott]

Give Me My Money!!!

I’m really getting ticked off! Every time I try to get some money from my account, some guy named Ira tells the bank he’s going to take some of it for himself! I know! I’ve never even met the guy!

Let’s face it, finances can be difficult for most people. There are so many ways to invest our money and most of them are making other people money too, otherwise, there wouldn’t be a return on…

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[jerrymabbott]

I Can't Even Walk In A Straight Line!!!!

I Can’t Even Walk In A Straight Line!!!!

I used to date a woman who was completely obsessed with line dancing. It got so bad that she had to join a two step program.

I’ve never really been a dancer. I’m absolutely terrible at it. I have no rhythm. None. I’m like Steve Martin’s character in ‘The Jerk’. I’m the typical just kind of move and hope you don’t stink at it too badly guy. I just don’t like it. Fortunately, Heather is not a…

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[jerrymabbott]

A Ghost!!!

We have a ghost in our house. I know! Actually I think it’s technically a ghostwriter. This morning I got up and my autobiography had been written.

Writing a book is really a long and arduous process requiring hard work and dedication. That’s probably why I haven’t released a new one in a few years. Well that and the fact that the other ones don’t sell.

I’ve written ‘The Twisted Musings of a…

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[jerrymabbott]

Rosanne is Baaack... What? She's Not?????

Rosanne is Baaack… What? She’s Not?????

Twitter has gotten so out of hand. Yesterday the birds in our neighborhood marched with picket signs to try to get people from calling the messages ‘tweets’.

It was similar to the march last year on Halloween when birds protested small children saying the phrase ‘Trick or treat’ as ‘Twick or tweet’. Unfortunately, there are not enough bird lobbyists in Washington DC to make it happen. There are…

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[jerrymabbott]

You're Not Cutting It!!!

You’re Not Cutting It!!!

A hair salon opened right across the street from our old established barber shop. They put up a sign: “WE GIVE SIX DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!” The barber put up his own sign: “WE FIX SIX DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!” Brilliant!

I’ve gone to the same place to get my hair cut for 15 years. It’s not really expensive, they always do a great job. Plus I tip well so someone is always in a hurry to finish so they get the…

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[jerrymabbott]

I'm Going To Do It!!

I’m Going To Do It!!

I finally realize that I need to join a gym and get in shape. I’ll work out for a full year. Let’s see, I pick 2028.

There was a time when Heather and I went to the gym Monday through Saturday and really worked out hard. We really became addicted to exercise. I know! We were on a program called ‘Body for Life’ and it required unwavering devotion to eating very healthy and working out. We had a…

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[jerrymabbott]

You're Ugly!!!

You’re Ugly!!!

I think it’s weird to hear ‘adding insult to injury’. Why would anyone do that? Tell someone who is clearly injured, “You’re ugly and your Mama is fat too.” That’s mean. Give them an ice cream cone. That’s sweet.

This would be a clear cut case of bullying. Kicking someone when they’re down is cowardly, unless you really despise the person. What??? No! Bullying is never ok! Unless the person is…

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