i can’t stop thinking about how terribly alone alastair is. this boy literally has no one. not a single person on this earth to depend on, trust in, confide in, lean on. not a single true friend, a sister who he’s only just begun to open up to after he spent years protecting her from their unreliable, alcoholic father, with no help from their mother who, as much as i adore her, chose to ignore what was happening and leave much of the burden of her husbands care to her child.
this poor, sweet boy, who’s incredibly empathetic, who’s first instinct is to be kind and make friends, has been forced into hell over and over and over again, and he’s not had a single piece of support the whole time and my heart shatters every time i think about him for more than a minute.
every other person in these books has had someone, a friend, a supportive family, even grace had jesse, but alastair has just been so alone this whole time. literally everyone knew about elias’s alcoholism, and yet none of them thought to stop for a second and think about the implications for alastair. no one has bothered to ask if he’s okay. and it hurts to think about.
he’s been forced into hell over and over with no time to breathe, he’s had every support system ripped away, every chance to make connections burned in front of his eyes, he’s been dealt some of the worst cards in life possible and yet he’s still so genuinley good. he’s been given every possible reason in the world to be cold and uncaring and bitter and hateful and he still chooses to see the beauty of the world, chooses to try to move forward, to be good, to protect the people around him.
he gives and gives and gives and people and the world just take and take and take and no one ever thinks to give back to him. for every piece of himself he gives away, for every hour he spends protecting someone, for every ounce of love he gives, someone takes it, and instead of giving in return they just take more from him and never look back. no one thanks him, no one gives him a second thought.
god forbid anyone in the world take five minutes out of their day to thank him, reassure him, let him know he’s doing the best he can and that he can forgive himself, let him know he didn’t deserve the hell his family, the academy, the world has put him through, let him know that was never his fault. god forbid someone apologize to him and let him know he’s wanted and loved and cared for and just simply a good person.
he hates the mangled cracked warped person he cant recognize in the mirror he becomes after the academy, and despite the sea of hatred hes been drowning in all his life not truly touching who he really is, he still thinks he is that person. he cant see the goodness that really makes him, the unimaginable amount of love he holds, the wonders he’s capable of creating and the beauty of who he he really is.
he has oceans of love to give, and he puts his whole self into everything he does, gives his whole self to the people he cares about. and every piece of himself he gives away is trampled and crumpled and used and discarded, the world has tried to suck him dry and by some miracle of the person he is, he still has so much love to give. he puts walls up, creates a labrynth around his heart and shuts the door to his soul, he doesnt let anyone in but he gives himself to others so easily. he tries so hard to help and protect and make everyone happy. he spends almost a decade protecting his family and never once thinks to resent them for the unfairness of the situation theyve forced him into, spends nights trailing after the boy who twice threatened to throw him into the thames, just to make sure the reckless but hurting idiot is safe.
the great tragedy of alastair carstairs is that he deserves the world because that is what he gives, and in return, all the world does is take with no remorse
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