jessicajouissance

JESSICAJOUISSANCE pleasure[pain] orgasm[death] this blog is a dedication to all the shit trapped in my mind, the infinite ideas [and feelings] that have no external space [space for the spaceless]. the usually dirty [disturbing], yet enticing excess. if it's not already clear, i consume a fair amount of weed. i just dropped out of grad school [by choice], newly unemployed as a byproduct. i organize to re-imagine and create [trial and error] a sustainable world that welcomes silenced voices. ultimately, i want to cultivate what has been lost [community-compassion-sustainability].

[jessicajouissance]

increasingly afraid of no other. just me, myself, and terrorizing self destruction.

[jessicajouissance]

where to turn?

when your family does not understand. when you don't share deep friendship. when you consider therapists a joke [viewing the world through a narrow sense of normal]. when you've read the books and forums, and self-help stopped working a long time ago. alone with the guilt of an inexcusable inability to function [trappedbyyourthoughtsdoubtsdreams] all of your answers are worthless. meaning less than you imagined. accepted value as the moment. went through many selves. nothing.

why? became how to [insert basic task]? for the first time

can't find the

[peelsofpoetry]

Love cannot be reduced to a catalogue of reasons why, and a catalogue of reasons cannot be put together into love.

Eleanor Catton, The Luminaries (via peelsofpoetry)

[jessicajouissance]

the things i think/feel surprise me. the love of my life [i've never seriously used that phrase] is a guy i've only met in person a handful of times. direct contact between us has been extremely limited since we met [...through a mutual friend, a guy i was talking to at the time]. but i feel like i know him, and like he understands me.

i put too much meaning on actions. or lack of action. i struggle for that calm middle-ground sanity. 

i've never loved like this. i love infinitely, but not like this. regardless, insecurity hangs out in the back of my mind. will anything ever make that asshole go away? he tries to remove himself, which makes it easier and harder. insecurity doesn't want me; i bite back.

are insecurity and love always intertwined, just life is making an amusing joke by so clearly personifying both?

Part of love's story: Thinking of suicide, wandered into this diner and talked to a waitress for hours, dropping my initial thoughts. "I never caught your name, what is it?" "Hope."

where's my Hope? or have i been making it? will i become love or insecurity?

[peelsofpoetry]

Excuses For Why We Failed At Love by Warsan Shire I’m lonely so I do lonely things Loving you was like going to war; I never came back the same. You hate women, just like your father and his father, so it runs in your blood. I was wandering the derelict car park of your heart looking for a...

[jessicajouissance]

Wall and Piece - Banksy

[jessicajouissance]

I've never been with another woman (not saying I wouldn't), but every time I read something like this, I'm suddenly sure that I must be lesbian, haha. In this case, an "enlightened lesbian," because I've had this exact conversation about a million times with various peoples. "Unenlightened lesbians aren’t enlightened enough to be satisfied with living in the hills and running with tigers and wolves in a land far, far away from the rest of the world — because, you see, unenlightened lesbians are so unenlightened that they want the world."

[jessicajouissance]

there's nothing wrong with being a materialist, or its opposite. i do not know the word for it's opposite (either i'm stupid/ignorant, or there's a probably a cultural reason we lack this word). spiritual is too specific, because intellectual and culture/societal discourse/endeavors are included, but not all required. maybe metaphysical? i doubt there are many pure materialists, because most self-proclaimed materialists still pursue something deeper, like religion. There seems to be a lot of intellectual materialists (reddit is an example, with added asshole mutation). Just as all [unmaterialists] must live in the material to some degree, most materialists live in the immaterial to some degree.

materialists are just another type of people. who need to shut the fuck up when it comes to immaterial things that they have no personal experience with.

ma·te·ri·al·ist [muh-teer-ee-uh-list] 

noun 1. a person who is markedly more concerned with material things than with spiritual, intellectual, orcultural values. 2. an adherent of philosophical materialism adjective 3. concerned with material things; materialistic. 4. of or pertaining to philosophical materialism or its adherents.

[arabbara]

R.I.P. The 2976 American people that lost their lives on 9/11 and R.I.P. the 48,644 Afghan and 1,690,903 Iraqi and 35000 Pakistani people that paid the ultimate price for a crime they did not commit

[xoellle-deactivated20190624]

this is the only september 11th post I’m reblogging

[wwwhhathehill]

and let’s not forget all the Muslims/Sikhs/Brown-looking people who have been targeted for hate-crimes/discriminations since

[emotional-algebra]

“The world is rated R, and no one is checking IDs. Do not try to make it G by imagining the shadows away. Do not try to hide your children from the world forever, but do not try to pretend there is no danger. Train them. Give them sharp eyes and bellies full of laughter. Make them dangerous… and when they’ve grown, they will pollute the shadows.”

N.D. Wilson (via emotional-algebra)

This reminds me of one of my favourite quotes from G.K. Chesterton:  “Fairytales don’t tell children that dragons exist.  Children already know that dragons exist.  Fairytales tell children that dragons can be killed.”

(via decepticonsensual)

[jessicajouissance]

Defined.

[sun-bruise]

Anger is a white person’s privilege.

comment left by Amanda Paniagua on a Facebook post from Black Girl Dangerous. When you’re a person of color and you speak up about or act on your anger, you’re “overreacting,” “bitter,” “dangerous,” “volatile,” “hostile.” When you’re white and you speak up about or act on your anger, you’re a national hero. (via butnotinlove)

[jessicajouissance]

I want to remember the fear, I want to remember the promise, I want to remember the nights I wanted to curl up in a ball, I want to remember the people I’m not supposed to remember, I want to remember not knowing myself, I want to remember the moment I started to feel safe and like this life I’m leading is really mine. I’m going to be scared, I’m going to bruise my knees and not know how they got there, I’m going to try to fruitlessly forge a connection with someone who won’t ever get it, I’m going to lose the person that means the most to me and find my way back to them. I’m going to be a twentysomething because that’s what I am and all I know how to be. And you should too. You should love every single moment of this hot mess of a decade. Chances are you’ll miss it before you even get to say “I’m 30.”

thought cataloge

[jessicajouissance]

The comfort zone you know now was once a place you were probably afraid of.

Thought

so. true.

[jessicajouissance]

i want to write a story exploring the giddiness many of us feel when the power goes out (especially as kids). another that delves into self-deconstruction/destruction as a medium to understand the chaos of the universe. one about depersonalization/corporations. artificial living. movement in bed but stagnant outside. noise, light, and stimuli.

i guess i ultimately want to write about the tumultuous twenties: a decade of shifting sands with no clear horizon. waiting on privileged possibilities to wane.

i wish i'd write about these things, deeply. but i'm afraid i've been ruined.

a hostage in my own head.

[jessicajouissance]

craigslist apartment hunting always seems somewhat promising until I get to:

"I am looking for a roommate that is in a stable situation, has a job, non smoker, clean does not do any drugs."

Dammit.

[jessicajouissance]