Jessie

I'm still learning how to decorate my page give me a moment.

[jessieofchronicachne]

I've just installed this app solely because I need somewhere to write down what I can't say IRL because I'm friendless, no I will not be "leaving while I still can" I'm just gonna sit in the corner and speak at random intervals inconsistently like I do in real life.

[jessieofchronicachne]

I can't be the only one who thinks horror in daylight is underrated. Especially if it's like, really early in the morning. Like, you can see everything, and in a way I find that more frightening. I think weird core like horror captures it best but other kinds of horror can do it as well. It kind of makes you realize no matter what time of day, no matter how bright nor dark, it's never safe. It is never safe. Anyways this is me hoping that more horror try to use daylight to their advantage solely because it makes me more scared personally lmaooooo

[jessieofchronicachne]

Bro I'm so fucking stupid. So I made a post about how I need to start drawing cute animal characters since I have such a soft spot for them. And I don't want to admit it because it makes me feel childish and I'm very much not a kid but the thing that really solidified the idea for me was Animal Hospital on roblox. (Note that even though my foolish self still plays roblox I do NOT spend any money on the game, I like some of the developers but I don't want to support roblox itself truth be told. And I'm broke anyway lmao.) And so I was at the pool drawing two animal characters loosely based off two of the characters in that game. And some girl sees it and says "oh is that Animal Hospital?" And I panicked because I'm like "WHAT??? SHE RECOGNIZES IT??? I CAN'T LET HER KNOW, IT'S A KIDS GAME I'M GONNA BE MADE FUN OF!" And I shook my head and after the panic eventually went away I was thinking like "Well technically it isn't exactly Animal Hospital but it's still sort of based off it! I could've told her that!" And bro she sounded all positive about it too like I don't think she was gonna make fun of me or anything and so then I was sitting there like oh gods I hope I didn't make her feel embarrassed bro she seemed so sweet and I panicked and I feel bad and WHYYYYYYY???!!!!?! WHY DID I PANIC????? I'm so sorry king, queen, in between, whatever you'd prefer. I feel so bad and it's really not that deep but bro.... Like I don't show this kind of shame talking about ULTRAKILL or White Knuckle, but anything remotely childish I feel the need to hide and it's so foolish. I'm gonna tag this and sulk for a minute.

[squeaksdcorgeh]

yeah you run away you stupid bitch

[jessieofchronicachne]

[jessieofchronicachne]

I love seeing images of animals from different species getting along. Like bunnies and cats, ferrets and dogs, crows and wolves, I saw one of a bunny and a beagle which always impressed me since beagles were bred to hunt rabbits. They're just soooooo cute. I don't fully understand why it makes me so happy but it does and I mean, I'm not complaining. Imagine complaining about getting serotonin bro. I just wanted to rant about that, that's all.

[jessieofchronicachne]

Suddenly my page is filled to the brim with PM Seymour, right after hedgehogradio. It is very unusual but it just keeps happening. Some of these aren't even as fresh, Tumblr just decided I'd like to see a bunch of him. Which to be fair I follow him for a reason, it's just so unusual because it's a pattern now.

[pukicho]

I heard they’re killing you at work tomorrow

[jessieofchronicachne]

This means NOTHING for the unemployed.

[jessieofchronicachne]

I have such a soft spot of cute little animal characters in my heart but haven't made any of my own, wild now that I'm thinking about it. Maybe I should try my hand at it soon. I've been interested in giving it a shot and I don't see why I don't at this point.

[jessieofchronicachne]

Currently all the posts I'm getting recommended are @hedgehogradio, not exactly that I'm complaining about it, but last time it was all pukicho and one of the posts I had seen in that moment was specifically pukicho commenting on someone else who's for you page was all pukicho. Very odd, very odd.

[jessieofchronicachne]

I'm sorry but while I don't think dying your pets is exactly abuse, I just think it looks fuck ugly personally. I can't stand it. This is just my personal opinion but I've gotta say it. Maybe if you dye it a natural colour I wouldn't hate it but for whatever reason I just see dyed pets and just think like they look hella weird.

[jessieofchronicachne]

Thanks to the random lady at the store that went and got me a handful of bandaids after accidentally stabbing myself with two earrings and just nearly hitting a vein TWICE. Honestly I think such clumsiness is kind of impressive.

[jessieofchronicachne]

Okay I was debating if I'd post this or not because honestly I'm scared of people seeing it, that and I don't know how much of myself I want to put out there but I've reasoned with myself for the most part. The most people I've had see a post of mine is ten and of course none of them know me personally so I mean, I made this account so I could have an outlet so I don't see why I wouldn't use it.

I'll put a trigger warning here for gender dysphoria (specifically getting really deep into it), self termination, self harm, and stuff like that. For anyone who does see this if you go on my account you won't see much else like this because I really just bitch about whatever comes to mind so don't be too surprised at the difference between this post and all the others.

Okay so I'm not gonna lie things have been insanely hard for me, if you're trans you've almost certainly had or have the ability to say the same. Where I live I'm widely unaccepted so I can't exactly let many people know about my gender or anything. And most of those I trust I can tell don't say anything but they don't acknowledge it. Honestly I don't think they want to really understand me. It sucks but it's what I have to live with. Honestly I feel so alone because I'm the only one I know is experiencing this, I've nobody to talk to and I've nobody to relate to. Despite this they all know I don't like certain compliments and such and those closest to me don't use them but others still do knowing it hurts. Being told about how apparently you have the ideal shape for the gender they think you are and how "Oh you hate it but it's true!" And they think that's a nice thing to do. They don't know what it's like to get heavily nauseous each time you remember what body shape you have and they don't know what it's like to want to vomit your reproductive parts out of your mouth because of how disgusting it feels. It's like there's a bunch of tapeworms in my body taking up the shape of a reproductive system. I won't lie, I have an issue of hurting myself. I do it in more ways than just cutting. I bite, I scratch, I bludgeon, I strangle, and I'm not doing it currently but I have and most likely will continue to burn myself. Don't cry and tell me not to. I know, I'm working on it. It might not sound like it but I am. I'm just taking into account relapse and stuff. This will take me time, but I'm still trying nonetheless. But to get back on track, this is mostly to say that it's all fucking me up really badly. I wake up everyday wanting to die, thinking of how I'd do it, and how I'd get the stuff to do it. I have tried to do so before, more than once. I still want to die. But at the same time I think of you guys, you guys being my people, other trans people. Because I know even if I'm alone where I am I'm not alone in this whole world. I have dreams, I have family, I have things I want to do but have never even gotten a chance to do. I want to make music, I want to make games, and I want to fight for not just myself but for us. I don't want anyone to suffer this kind of pain. I don't know any of you personally, but there's so many of you out there. If there's anything wrong with you being trans isn't one of them. And I don't want any of you to think that it is. I want to die for myself, I want to do it as a favour for myself. But I want to live, I want to live for others like me. I want to get better, I'm not the type of person who just wants to wallow away in misery. So fuck, I hope I can get out of this okay. I don't care about making it out unscathed, I just hope to make it out okay.

[tranakinskywalker420]

OP, I know you said not to cry but I am anyway. Not out of pity. I just know your pain, dude. I’m trans masc, too. I’ve heard all those same things. I know how much it hurts and the tapeworm as guts metaphor explains it so well. It really is its own special brand of disgust. I know about all of it. So much too much. And I just wanted to say thank you for living for me. I’m really happy you’re still with us and I wish I could take your pain away. You survive however you can. And I hope one day this pain goes away and you’re able to live instead of survive. Just know you do have one fellow trans masc cheering you on. You’re right. You aren’t alone.

[jessieofchronicachne]

Thanks man, this means more than you think. I wish you the best and nothing less. You deserve it too and I hope you know it.

[jessieofchronicachne]

Power went out today so me and the others woke up the staff and she said she'd check the breaker. The youngest of us three said she'd come with her, I say "yeah going alone sounds like a horror movie thing." And the third didn't say anything, she just giggled a little bit and followed us as well. We all didn't head back until she fixed the breaker. Just thought it was funny since all of us were just collectively settled on one decision, which was just to NOT split up.

[jessieofchronicachne]

Okay I was debating if I'd post this or not because honestly I'm scared of people seeing it, that and I don't know how much of myself I want to put out there but I've reasoned with myself for the most part. The most people I've had see a post of mine is ten and of course none of them know me personally so I mean, I made this account so I could have an outlet so I don't see why I wouldn't use it.

I'll put a trigger warning here for gender dysphoria (specifically getting really deep into it), self termination, self harm, and stuff like that. For anyone who does see this if you go on my account you won't see much else like this because I really just bitch about whatever comes to mind so don't be too surprised at the difference between this post and all the others.

Okay so I'm not gonna lie things have been insanely hard for me, if you're trans you've almost certainly had or have the ability to say the same. Where I live I'm widely unaccepted so I can't exactly let many people know about my gender or anything. And most of those I trust I can tell don't say anything but they don't acknowledge it. Honestly I don't think they want to really understand me. It sucks but it's what I have to live with. Honestly I feel so alone because I'm the only one I know is experiencing this, I've nobody to talk to and I've nobody to relate to. Despite this they all know I don't like certain compliments and such and those closest to me don't use them but others still do knowing it hurts. Being told about how apparently you have the ideal shape for the gender they think you are and how "Oh you hate it but it's true!" And they think that's a nice thing to do. They don't know what it's like to get heavily nauseous each time you remember what body shape you have and they don't know what it's like to want to vomit your reproductive parts out of your mouth because of how disgusting it feels. It's like there's a bunch of tapeworms in my body taking up the shape of a reproductive system. I won't lie, I have an issue of hurting myself. I do it in more ways than just cutting. I bite, I scratch, I bludgeon, I strangle, and I'm not doing it currently but I have and most likely will continue to burn myself. Don't cry and tell me not to. I know, I'm working on it. It might not sound like it but I am. I'm just taking into account relapse and stuff. This will take me time, but I'm still trying nonetheless. But to get back on track, this is mostly to say that it's all fucking me up really badly. I wake up everyday wanting to die, thinking of how I'd do it, and how I'd get the stuff to do it. I have tried to do so before, more than once. I still want to die. But at the same time I think of you guys, you guys being my people, other trans people. Because I know even if I'm alone where I am I'm not alone in this whole world. I have dreams, I have family, I have things I want to do but have never even gotten a chance to do. I want to make music, I want to make games, and I want to fight for not just myself but for us. I don't want anyone to suffer this kind of pain. I don't know any of you personally, but there's so many of you out there. If there's anything wrong with you being trans isn't one of them. And I don't want any of you to think that it is. I want to die for myself, I want to do it as a favour for myself. But I want to live, I want to live for others like me. I want to get better, I'm not the type of person who just wants to wallow away in misery. So fuck, I hope I can get out of this okay. I don't care about making it out unscathed, I just hope to make it out okay.

[pukicho]

Keep this cool-ass shit between us, okay?

[jessieofchronicachne]

Reblogging so other people see it!!!!!

[jessieofchronicachne]

Okay I already said this before but I'm now realizing it kind of went under the rug so I'm gonna say it again because I can. I understand the whole thing with non human characters struggling to understand humanity, but my mind just registers all that stuff as autism to be honest, and I'm saying that as a autistic person. My main two examples are gonna be Caine from The Amazing Digital Circus, and Phenomeman from Dispatch. So uuhhhh, you might wanna mind the spoilers.

Caine: he's a AI created to make games and adventures for the humans around him, but the humans never seem to like it. He doesn't fully understand human feelings and seems to lack empathy not completely but sometimes because of that lack of understanding. He doesn't understand certain sayings and stuff so for example "Netflix and chill" (which I myself misunderstood for years because I thought it was literal) would just be watching Netflix and chilling out to him. He tries to get people to like him and he tries his hardest but in the end each time he fails he gets frustrated and depressed. He had a short attention span and gets distracted easily, btw does anyone wanna see this cool bee I drew? Yeah no I don't actually have one I just wanted to reference that lmao.

I'm gonna put a pin in that and move onto Phenomeman.

Phenomeman: He's an alien from an entirely different planet and so he was doomed to struggle understanding humans honestly. He dates Blonde Blazer for a while but his lack of understanding her and simply wanting a different life than she wants and ends with her simply cutting the thread and wishing the best for him. But he doesn't understand that she wants a different life or whatever she even broke up with him. He also misunderstands certain sayings which leads to a pretty funny moment or two in the game to be honest. But that aside he doesn't exactly struggle to fit in solely because after his break up he stops trying. (Him walking in the middle of a highway, him laying down on someone else's car, etc.) And while those examples are admittedly more troublesome than a simple verbal stim or just not masking it's still something that sets him apart from everyone else.

Anyways I was just writing this for my own amusement and now that I'm tired I'm gonna stop, hope some of that made sense to any of you people out there, if you see it I guess.

[jessieofchronicachne]

Can one of you Minecraft shorts creators voice over this interaction? C'mooon I'm not picky, anyone would do!