Oftentimes my friends who are geirim or baalei teshuva will say to me that they feel like bad jews because they don’t do a certain mitzvah or they still do something they possibly shouldn’t. If you miss something one time, or forget to do something one time, hashem isn’t going to strike lightning down on you or anything. Hashem doesn’t push you farther than you can go. It would be unnatural for you to go from 100% secular to an Orthodox Jew overnight, even to go from secular to reform would be a jump. Teshuva and conversion are a process. Anything good takes time, and effort. If you immediately dove in and tried to do everything at once, you most likely would burn out after a certain amount of time and then lose interest. The healthiest way to approach it all is to go slowly, to be forgiving, and to be sincere. Hashem does not hate you if you aren’t perfect. Yes it is frustrating to wait sometimes, but in waiting you are learning patience and consistency - things you’ll need in your journey through Judaism. Because once you dip in that mikveh you aren’t done. The learning continues on forever, and you can’t do it all at once. Be patient. Take time. And be calm. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
Start small. Learn a couple brachot. Remember to kiss the mezuzah. Go to a shiuir, or listen to one (I recommend rabbi alon anava or rav dror). Learn daf yomi or read over the parsha. Things don’t have to be stressful and intense!
If Judaism is stressing you out, look at it from another perspective. Find what part of it is stressing you out. And then stop whatever that thing is. Most of the time, the stress comes from feeling like you’re doing it wrong. Sometimes you are doing it wrong, but seeing you are making a mistake, means you can fix it. Then other times you aren’t doing a thing wrong, and you’re just worrying. Either way, nobody is laughing at you. Nobody really expects you to be perfect. If you’re new to all of this, you *will* make mistakes. That’s natural! And you’ll learn from them.
In shabbat 31a we learn the story of Hillel and a young prospective convert. The convert went to Shammai, and said he would accept judaism if the sage could teach him the Torah in its entirety as he stood on one foot. Shammai turned him away. The convert, instead of giving up, went to Hillel, who accepted his challenge and said;
“What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbour. That is the whole Torah, the rest is an explanation of this. Now go and study it!”
Now, keep in mind, this is relevant the other way around also. Would you put down another Jew for not being perfect? When you see someone making a mistake, would you point it out in a mocking way or bully them? That would not be G-dly behaviour. The same thing applies to yourself. If saying something to someone else would be considered bullyish, is it okay to say that to yourself?
Don’t see mistakes as things to be embarrassed about. You’re on your journey. And I wish you the best of luck. If any of you ever need to talk about anything (judaism or non Judaism related) feel free to message me.
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