this is prime proof that this ENTIRE WEBSITE is autistic because nowhere else would a no tags post that's just an informative list about slang get this much traction.
so wildly obnoxious when you agree with the starting point of someone's stance only for them to hard turn into things you DON'T agree with and now you have to defend the thing that was originally annoying you
"too many authors in the current market are focusing on selling 'spice' instead of telling interesting stories"
"oh yeah, i agree. i started reading one that i heard a lot about and it just wasn't-"
"and it's all of these women reading their fucking mommy porn out in public like FREAKS"
*through gritted teeth* "people should be allowed to read whatever they want, and actually these books should be left alone and you should shut up about it"
I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.
I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?
All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.
The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t stop”
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.
“oh I’m too old for stuffed animals” skill issue. sorry you can’t appreciate little creatures made to hang out with you, I on the other hand am full of joyous whimsy and therefore vastly superior.
When you're a teen you let go of hobbies that you think are too childish. Once you're an adult you realize that you can do whatever you want. I don't care what anyone thinks. I love collecting stuffed animals and plushies.
Summery: Y/N wakes in Teyvat, only to be branded an imposter by those they once worshiped. Forced to serve the false god who stole their identity, they endure in silence — until one small mistake reveals a divine truth no one was ready to see.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5
You didn’t know where you were going.
By the third day, your rations had dwindled, and you had scavenged what little the forest offered, a few stubborn fruits clinging to the trees. Your cloak hung heavy with dew and your hands raw from the cold. Each step dragged, the uneven trail sapping your strength.
It was there you met them.
A caravan wound along the trail, travelers draped in sun-washed cloth that smelled faintly of spices. Their voices carried laughter, chatter, and the occasional barked instruction. You tried to step around a patch of roots, but your foot caught on a gnarled knot, sending you forward.
Your face met the ground with a wet smack, mud and leaves clinging to your mask and hair. You groaned, mortified.
“That’s one way to announce yourself,” a traveler joked, shaking his head.
You scrambled upright, knees coated in earth.
“I… I’m fine,” you rasped, voice muffled. “Just… slipped.”
The caravan's apparent leader, a tall man with sun-bleached hair and a weary demeanor stepped forward.
“Arin,” he said, offering a hand. “You’re traveling alone?”
“Yes,” you murmured.
“Hmm,” Arin said, eyes scanning your wet clothing. “Stick with us, then. The forest doesn’t forgive lone travelers.”
“I… will,” you said, nodding.
The group exchanged glances. Some stifled quiet chuckles, others just watched curiously. You weren’t sure whether they were mocking or simply amused.
“What’s your name?”
You hesitated, the mask hiding your expression, before muttering, “…Y/N.”
The path grew denser, leaves sticking to your damp hair, as the caravan moved ahead, oblivious to the danger deeper in the forest.
“Hm… strange presence here,” one traveler murmured nervously. “I don’t like the look of it.”
“It’s just the trees,” Arin said, trying to sound light, though the tight line of his jaw betrayed unease. “Keep moving.”
Then came the coughs. At first one, then two, then several. Travelers hunched over, hands clawing at their eyes and mouths as a fine, biting dust filled the air. Panic rippled instantly.
“Back! Don’t—don’t touch it!” a woman shouted, braids whipping across her face as she stumbled violently.
“Stay together!” Arin barked, but coordination collapsed. People collided, and one man toppled sideways, taking another with him.
“Move! We have to move!” someone screamed, voices overlapping in a chaotic chorus of coughs and shouts.
You reached out to steady a stumbling traveler, but she collided into you, knocking you sideways. Green dust swirled around, biting at your lungs. The forest felt alive, thrumming with sudden danger.
Then a commanding voice cut through the chaos:
“Stay close! Follow us!”
Vines shifted, parting the spore cloud, and you caught sight of him, Tighnari. His earthy hazel eyes were sharp, every movement fluid, accompanied by a small team of forest rangers.
“Step back! Keep moving!” he repeated, gesturing with precise, practiced motions. His team fanned out, creating a safe corridor through the haze.
Heart hammering beneath your mask, you followed cautiously.
“Careful,” Tighnari murmured as you brushed against a low branch. His eyes flicked to your hands, noting the faint shimmer of gold beneath your sleeve. You froze, twisting the sleeve down instinctively.
“You… alright?” he asked, calm but curious eyes studying the mask itself.
“I’m fine,” you rasped, adjusting your hood.
By the time the last travelers were safely guided out of the haze, the forest air had cleared. The caravan coughed, eyes wide with awe.
“You saved us,” Arin said, his voice tight with relief.
“You’ve all accidentally entered a withering zone,” Tighnari said, scanning the group. “The spores here are harmful if inhaled for too long. Gandharva Ville is just ahead. There you’ll find water, food, and clean clothes. Once we arrive, we’ll make sure everyone is checked for any symptoms and treated if necessary. Stay close and follow our path carefully.”
You noticed how effortlessly the rangers moved, calm and assured, a stark contrast to your own weary, fumbling pace.
You faltered, catching yourself against a low-hanging branch and accidentally crushing a small cluster of berries in the bush. The squelch under your feet made you cringe.
“Careful,” Tighnari said, almost amused. Eyes flicked to the fallen smushed berries.
“I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“It’s fine,” he interrupted, crouching briefly to brush it aside. “Just… watch your step.”
You muttered another apology, feeling awkward and oversized in your own movements. The forest tugged at your clothing and brushed against your shoulders, a constant, subtle obstacle. Tighnari’s voice followed you with quiet, steady guidance:
“Steady there.”
“Careful of that moss.”
“Don’t drag your sleeve through the puddle.”
His presence was grounding, yet unnervingly close. Someone noticing so many small, vulnerable details without judgment was a strange, new sensation.
Finally, the forest opened into a clearing, where wooden buildings with curved roofs nestled among towering trees. Small figures moved busily about, tending to tasks.
“Here we are,” Tighnari said, his gaze briefly assessing you. “You can rest in this room. They’ll take care of the others.”
Exhaustion finally winning over caution, you took a careful step forward into the offered room.
“I’m Tighnari,” he said, ears twitching slightly as he observed your movement. “Welcome.”
jbbartram-illu
dededos
germansingergirl
kianamaiart
annaxmalina
andulkaphoto
