rainynsn

New place to draft all my quick thoughts

[jieunshinaa]

Twilight Zone

Reading Yong Su Tong Hua has been such an eventful ride for me. Captivating enough to make me feel like a teenage girl, i end up searching for the starred mails at my old emails, reading a decade papers full of texts that i have long forgotten. In a way, the story of Zhou Mi and Zhang Lian makes me want to relive the pink era in my life, where, just like Zhou Mi, the twisted, pessimist, shy but genuine and full of hope side of me exist. I smile, laugh, and cry along with them. I cry when they have the most heated argument and i smile whenever they hug and kiss together.

But what surprises me is how i find myself forgiving and hoping to understand Zhang Lian's POV. Unlike Zhou Mi, the writer did not give Zhang Lian much roller coster emotion. So everytime Zhang Lian choose to be silent instead of answering Zhou Mi's question when they are in argument, i find myself hoping that Zhang Lian could explain himself well and want to cheer for him.

The warmth that this novel give to me almost feel like an embrace i unknownly need. It took me back to a part of myself that i have been laid on a secret box for years. Years of enduring. Years of hundred times convincing myself that if its mean to be then it will be. Yet because of reading this novel, i can't help but to wonder about what would have been.

A lot of time has passed. If something are destined to happen, they will happen anyway.

Yong Su Tong Hua/Tacky Fairytale makes me reflecting the farewell that i bring to myself 10 years ago. And a lot of things has changed, including myself. I learn to survive in this harsh reality, so somehow, reading those texts again reminds me that a genuine, innocent, imperfect part of me whose reality isn't financial struggle or weight problem, only a young girl eager to marry her lover, is ever exist before.

Just like Zhou Mi with her Zhang Lian.

It was all in the past.

I wasn't trying anything.

"It's so strange, this i never do."

"Not that i miss you, i don't"

"Sometimes i just can't believe"

"You happen".

[jieunshinaa]

Dreams abandoned, fantasies crushed, again and again.

But this heart would be too weak without that hope.

Relief is coming.

Please, hold up.

Please, don't lose hope.

Please.

[jieunshinaa]

Setelah sekian lama mindlessly baca Al-Kahfi, hari ini tiba-tiba terlintas di dalam pikiranku betapa hikmah dan kebijaksanaan Allah itu, terkadang melampaui batas nalar kita yang masih harus banyak belajar.

Kisah Nabi Musa a.s dan Nabi Khidr a.s adalah kisah yang familiar untuk banyak orang. Pertemuan Nabi Musa a.s dan Nabi Khidr a.s adalah tentang hikmah bersabar menuntut ilmu. Ada banyak hal yang sulit untuk kita pahami secara logika, tapi jika terus belajar, suatu saat atas izin Allah, nalar kita akan mengerti hikmah di baliknya.

Tapi sore ini yang tercetus dalam pikiranku adalah bagaimana Allah memilih Nabi Musa a.s sebagai nabi Ulul Azmi. Padahal kalau kita baca terjemahan kisah Nabi Musa a.s dan Nabi Khidr a.s, kita mungkin akan berpikir, rasanya Nabi Khidr a.s punya kebijaksanaan dan kedalalaman ilmu yang lebih baik dari Nabi Musa a.s, tapi kenapa Allah memilih Nabi Musa a.s?

Nabi Musa a.s yang pernah memukul seseorang sampai mati. Nabi Musa a.s yang pernah hidup dalam pelarian. Nabi Musa a.s yang punya kesulitan berbicara. Kalau boleh lantang, kita juga akan berkata Nabi Musa a.s yang banyak maunya, karna menjadi Nabi kaum Bani Israil yang sungguh amat sangat banyak maunya.

Nabi Musa a.s yang bahkan dalam perjalanannya bersama Nabi Khidr a.s tidak menahan diri dari menghakimi tindakan Nabi Khidr a.s. "Bukankah ini perbuatan yang buruk? Kenapa engkau melubangi kapal mereka yang miskin? Kenapa engkau membunuh anak yang tidak berdosa?"

Apa sesungguhnya yang ingin Allah sampaikan?

Nabi Musa a.s seolah diberitakan sebagai Nabi yang dibalik keunggulan akhlak dan keistimewaan mukjizatnya, rupanya adalah manusia biasa juga. Manusia, tempatnya salah dan lupa.

Allah akan memuliakan siapa yang Ia kehendaki. Dan kehendak Allah telah menetapkan Nabi Musa a.s, yang tidak luput dari kekurangan, sebagai Nabi Ulul Azmi.

Mungkin diri yang tak lepas dari dosa ini masih punya kesempatan.

Kesempatan untuk mendapatkan ampunan dan kasih sayang Allah, sebagaimana Allah menolong dan menyempurnakan kekurangan Nabi Musa a.s.

[jieunshinaa]

I watch this show without any expectation of having deep thoughts, just pure excitement, dopamine, thrills, but somehow i end up writing here🥲

One might find the female lead portrayal being too centered toward the male lead life and it might be uncomfortable to watch, because it seems like she doesn't have her own life, but i think, we should be gentler about this.

If a woman decide to centered, or, navigated her life towards a man's life (under the setting of husband-wife relationship ofc), we should not hate her, as long as it's that what she wants, without coercion from anyone.

There's always a reason, a backstory.

For some, it might be that's what she belief happiness is. For others, it might be because because how the society we grow up shape us into believing being a devoted wife means your life is your husbands and your family life. No you as your name exist. You are someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's daughter-in-law.

Devotion not always comes from a deep knowledge about religion/education. It can also comes from logical sensing(?) or, even more simple, intuition.

Even though we already have this generational thing which has set the standard of what does it means being exemplary wife is, one might still be devoted wife, just because she wants to.

If that what she wants, let's not hate her, let's just support her, and if she ask for help, then let's help her without being prejudiced or judgemental. Maybe this way, we can see a happier world, no matter how dark and hopeless it seems now.

[jieunshinaa]

it is very difficult to be good.

while it might be a way for me to call to Allah

but i find it hard and painful.

i know everyone is facing their own tests

but i just want to be selfish for a moment

just a moment

[jieunshinaa]

I wonder what will be there for me at the end.

If it's a tornment, because i've been doing it all wrong, then it will be really sad.

I'm tired.

I want to give up.

Where do will i find the strength to go on, in this world where everyone easily decide to shut me?

Where, truly, no one, decide to love me?

[jieunshinaa]

I've been hoping that at least for this month only, i can go through without tears. If i can, i would like to go for a while, to a place where i am not me. Just ordinary girl living her best choices, alone with everything that she used to like.

[jieunshinaa]

I wouldn't dare to say that i've tried my best without single second being lazy but i think i was, and i am, did everything i could, trying to not be burden to anyone.

I've done what i've could.

So why is it that you, or them, keep looking down on me just because i am not what you expected?

I can't help but to wonder

was my choice really wrong?

[jieunshinaa]

What exactly do they mean when they said, "selesai dengan diri sendiri?"

I am starting to believe that people just romanticizing that words when actually it's just a lie.

[jieunshinaa]

Mungkin

"Tapi kamu bahagia ga sama yang kamu jalanin sekarang?"

Then i ask for her definition of happiness. Then i realize that maybe for the last few years i no longer search for happiness. Perhaps global issues has influence me, or maybe it's just me changing and shifting my mind.

But at least for now i am quite sure that i don't really chase happiness. I feel like i've been in survival mode, in which i believe that many would agree and claim same statement with me. While being in this survival mode, i manage to catch little things that could excite me, but that's too, for the sake to keep survive and to not give up.

This surviving mode allows me to re-thinking and re-framing my goals. I came to accept that i take different path, something that, at least untill 1 year ago i was still uncertain about. The bigger my fear regarding to how uncertain my job is, the greedier i want to see how this company and things that i work on will turn out. I also curious of myself, for how long i can keep holding on by saying to myself "i won't let this go down for vain, not on my watch".

I have arrived in this conclusion. Rather than happiness, what i want to constantly feel is concrete tranquility. That despite how much it hurts me, as long as it's true that i am working towards the paths of Believer, that's enough for me.

It may or may not be possible to reach that state, but i think it's worth to fight for.

[jieunshinaa]

Feeling so out of places lately.....

[jieunshinaa]

----- Drowning -----

Failure after failure

Dissappointment after dissappointment

Back then

I was so desperate to see a glimpse of sunshine

But now, perhaps drowning suits me better

Perhaps, staying in the depth of the sea is what meant for me

No one will see

No one will care

Nothing matter

Just me, drowning, deeper, darker.

[jieunshinaa]

My thoughts on #Barbie

Among all the issues and messages conveyed on this movie, i would like to point out one issue that catch my interest. Toward the end of the movie, we get to see how Ken complaining about his insecurities on leadership. And then Mattel responding to Ken by saying that sometimes he get tired of leading.

I don't know how and when but somehow we just get used to this condition where men are expected to be perfect at leading and women are expected to be good at being submissive. The standard has been like that for centuries to the point that we don't get a chance to re-evaluate this condition with clear-headed.

So something came up to my mind this morning. That the fault should be relied on how the current society perceive this standard.

Expecting men to be perfect at leading somehow makes us forbid men to be weak. That men aren't allowed to be whiny or hesitating.

And expecting women to be good at being submissive somehow makes us hate opinionated women. Women who can convey and articulate their thought well.

But actually, as a muslim, this perception is truly different compared to what Rasulullah SAW and Khadijah shown to us.

I remember a story when Rasulullah SAW came to Khadijah r.a and ask her to wrap him in blanket. That was the time when Rasulullah SAW got the divine command. Rasulullah SAW is so afraid so he run to Khadijah r.a and ask her to wrap him in blanket.

If we are to elaborate this story, this is actually an example of how men can be vulnerable and weak and ask comfort to women too.

Khadijah r.a is no ordinary woman. She is a respected businesswoman. By this information only we can be certain that she has a great leadership skill. To lead a business mean you should be good at delivering your opinion, articulating your thought, and taking important decision.

This example has exist for centuries ago.

I believe that this is the intention of Barbie movie too. That showing vulnerability didn't mean that men is bad at leading, and being opinionated didn't mean women can't be a good follower.

The perception of this current society, where the hate toward patriarchy and the massive support toward feminism is growing, is not something that we can't change. We can. That's why Greta Gerwig made this movie. Her intention is not about feminism. Her intention is to show that there is hope in changing how society perceive patriarchy and womenhood.

And as a muslim, we can take part in this effort to change society.

Only if we are willing to do.