Now, where was I?

human. christian. movie-lover. american. korean. student. former teacher. geek. singer. pianist.

[jiyoungle]

The Avengers Joss Whedon 2012

[jiyoungle]

Just saw a guy in South Philly wearing a Tumblr t-shirt.

[jiyoungle]

The Avengers Joss Whedon 2012

[jiyoungle]

Remember to breathe.

[jiyoungle]

A day full of unexpected (mostly good) emotions. But it was still enough to completely drain me. And now I face that same dilemma that I face nearly every night. Do I stay up to process some of it or do I fight my nature and just sleep on it?

[jiyoungle]

I'm surrounded by kids in my new life. Mostly due to friends from church who have children ranging from a few months old to about 13 years of age. Everything in me has been ready to have kids for a little while now. I feel this longing in a very strong way these days. I'm not saying that I'm ready in a practical sense at all. Just in all the other ways. While this was growing in me, I'm just glad that I had so many unofficial, surrogate kids of my own for a while. I wouldn't have survived without them.

[jiyoungle]

Today was full of anxiety. There were specific things I needed to get done and the nature of these things combined to create a maelstrom of the physical manifestations of anxiety that I feel. It hasn't felt like that in maybe a year and I had almost forgotten what that was like. Which is good I guess. I wonder what it feels like to walk through this life with more confidence in who I am. I want to shed the things inside me that weigh me down, whether they are from my DNA or from how the world and life have shaped me. I want to embrace the things that will help me to grow to become who I'm meant to be. Some of those things might have been hard wired into my system from birth. But most have probably come from the outside in some way. I just want to find a better balance of these things.

[jiyoungle]

Today's one of the rare days when I wish that the wizard hadn't given me a heart.

[jiyoungle]

An old friend passed away over the weekend. I hadn't been in touch with him for a while but we knew each other pretty well about 10 years ago when I was attending the church where he was a youth pastor. He cared a lot about kids, had a fun sense of humor, and let me hone my manual transmission skills using his car. We spent a lot of time together for a while and then he went to Iraq with the Army. I'm pretty sure he worked in intelligence and he would post photos from within Saddam's palace (which was the location of our intelligence HQ), even sharing a shot of him sitting on the dictator's former throne. He had an unexpected brain hemorrhage over the weekend and leaves behind a wife and 7 month old child. 

Today is also the five year anniversary of a former co-worker's sudden death from an epileptic seizure. A month from now it will have been five years since another close friend and co-worker passed away. July this year will be five years since two other close friends died suddenly under pretty horrible circumstances. One of them was the individual who had the greatest positive impact on my life. 2010 was not a good year. 

Death is on my mind. Enough friends of similar age have passed away suddenly and unexpectedly during the past decade. My faith gives me some hope (and it's totally fine if you disagree with that). But that doesn't stop me from being terrified of suddenly leaving behind people who have come to depend on me in some way. 

I feel kind of paralyzed by this topic tonight. I'm not getting anywhere so I'm going to bed. I'm sure I'll wake up to the blinding awareness of the fragility of life tomorrow anyway. Might as well get some sleep in between. 

[jiyoungle]

I had a small taste of something great years ago. After a while, I honestly thought that I'd never find it again. Found it. And then some.

[jiyoungle]

I don’t think there’s a better feeling than being in someone’s corner as he/she takes new steps in life. I got to experience this for many years with my students and friends.

It’s especially nice this time to experience it with her.

[jiyoungle]

Today is a reminder that no matter how many new and exciting things are happening in my life I need to do a few things once in a while that allow me to just exist. I've been going at it pretty hard for two months straight and I seriously need to breathe. I can't let the newness choke out the good, old stuff that has survived inside me for decades. It's like those old things are the species that have survived eons of change without having to completely mutate. There's a resilience there and it's worth preserving. I'm so not a doer at heart. I'm not task oriented. Checking off items on a to do list doesn't make me happy. I need a more full idea of the big picture most of the time. And I need to create some space for myself so I can gauge how that big picture is changing. Part of what I need to do is write or create more. Even if it's something small each day.

[yahooentertainment]

Stars get teary-eyed over Common and John Legend’s performance of “Glory.” 

[jiyoungle]

One of the only moments of the Oscars that I caught tonight. Wow.

[jiyoungle]

Had to miss part of the Oscars for the first time in about 10 years. There was important stuff to discuss. It was worth it.

[claudiablacks]

you don’t create  n e w  w o r l d s to give them        all the same l i m i t s  as the old ones

[barbeauxbot]

-Jane Espenson 

[jiyoungle]

I'm glad that there are a few older women in this group. These are some awesome characters.

[jiyoungle]

I like when she wears sweatshirts. That is all.

[ummno]

This January marked year four. I waffle daily between forever and only until the end of the year. Realistically, I’m in the classroom five more years before moving up or out in the education world. And that’s really hard for me to wrap my head around, in a lot of ways.

[artteacheranonymous]

This is year 3….

[justteach]

I will have five years at the end of next school year. I may continue but that’s anyone’s guess. I’d really like to become our department head, but who knows how that will go.

[jiyoungle]

Year 11 was the end for me. Not because I didn't want to teach and mentor anymore but I realized that I was no longer allowed to do it in a way that I felt was most effective. But I haven't found anything to fill the void yet. So stick with it for as long as you can while you're able to maintain your sanity. You will miss it terribly.