I'm so tired
Daisho con ended.
As a former staff member, im so sad it happened. but im also so many other things
I'm so mad about all the rumors going around that arent true. I'm so upset over all the things I cant say to stop people from being Doxxed, to defend them for what they were doing. and I want to so badly.
I'm so annoyed that if i say everything now, some parts are so buried in trauma that I dont remember it all, or that its skewed and I wont have all the pieces to show that what I'm saying is just the facts and now my emotions. I have every memory but I just cant grab them. I'm so frustrated that the year i was con director was the most painful year I've ever experienced. I was burnt out long before anyone else, I was punching walls, screaming where no one could hear me and silent where people wanted to talk to me. I was harassed, manipulated, gaslit, threatened by people i trusted and people i hardly knew. Anytime i think of my year i get flashbacks of when my other con director was so happy and excited and fired up in the room she shared when the con was over. How happy and full of life she was... and I was trying so hard to show her support for her feelings, while i held back months of tears because I felt like I didnt do enough, or was enough, so i just curled up as tight as i could and wanted the last night to be over. I'm so frustrated hardly anyone actually knows how i feel about it. Even those who watched me sob for hours. Theres so much yet, and Its too much for them to see and they dont need that.
I'm so happy that theres so many memories i do have that are good ones, ones i wont ever forget. I'm so happy i met so many amazing people, i made so many friends, I learned so many things.
Nothing can replace those memories.
But I'm so tired. Tired of trying to explain it all.
I want to so much.
but I'm just so tired.
