i have problems.
problems with being alive, problems with being a human being, problems with being unique, with being ordinary, with having hobbies and following through but then having days where i have no idea what to do.
i have problems with living a life worth living, with being in the real world instead of drowning myself in stories created by others and soaking them in like a sponge. i have problems with being sane, i'm constantly chasing a dream of someone else, mirroring emotions and character traits of someone else, copying phrases of someone else, making me look like someone else. i have problems with dealing with boredom, with being in my head when my head is filled with prompts of other people, do i have any original thought? i have problems with being awake but with sleeping the whole day too. i'm not sane i'm losing track of time even though i'm constantly watching a clock, hearing it's ticking every second. i feel the ground slipping even though i'm moving every inch of my feet in a very organised precise pattern. i'm working im living im breathing, yet my mind seems to wander off and not knowing where to go? i have problems with being myself.
i have a constant headache and i feel my heart beating. i know i'm alive but sometimes i'm not so sure. i'm drowning in philosophies of the creativities of others, watching myself from the outside going insane about rabbit hole theories, just to escape my reality. my life is not bad. not in the slightest. i have everything and i should be grateful for it. maybe i'm not meant for reality? maybe i'm meant to be a sponge?
i don't want to give up diving into other peoples stories. the characters are so thought through, so deep and dark full of meaning and everything has a meaning there are so many details to catch and to see and to find and figure out. so many little things that foreshadow something, so many little meaningful things. so many beautiful interactions in many different worlds, trying to demonstrate human being in a scenario we never get into. beautiful madness i'd never want to stop soaking in
Stories have become the only place where meaning feels reliable