Buzz Off! A Dominion War Crossover Parody
Buzz Off! A Dominion War Crossover Short Story:
Prelude: A Series of maddening events.
A loud pop and hiss of sparks flying followed by a truly atrocious smell wafted out of the maintenance crawlspace in Ops.
Chief Miles O’brien: GODDAMMIT! YOU HELLPSPAWNED LIL MONSTERS!!!
The Ghalic cursing of a Chief Miles O’Brien was heard seemingly across the entire station. It resounded up the Jeffries tubes and made the Ops crew cringe.
Major Kira coughed, waving her hand at the smell. It reminded her of a sewage bomb, nasty little treats the Bajoran Resistance had cooked up from rotting refuse and a low charge cell linked to a timer. They had cleared out entire bunkers with those things.
Sisko: His face looking like thunder, as he finally lost all patience or sympathy. “Report Mr Obrien!”
O’Brien coughed at the horrific smell of fried Cardassian Voles, tapped his combadge, “Chief pest control officer O’Brian here, what can I EXTERMINATE.. er I mean do ya for?”
Sisko: “Are you any closer to eliminating the Voles?”
O’brien: “No sir, I just found a clutch of the little XENOS ABOMINATIONS chewing away at one of the primary communications junctions”. The smell was horrible, “At least three of the alien rodents, have fried themselves after chewing into a power relay. I couldn’t find any live ones, but there always more of these things. And lo an behold I found an entire nest hidden down here, happily eating away at communications junction J-23. Right before the thing shorted out and blew”.
Sisko: That would explain the flowery aroma, how bad is it this time?
O’brien: Assuming there is no more damage down here, and that’s a big if, it’ll take me the entire night cycle and most of the next day to replace the components and to ensure no more of these SKAVEN SABOTEURS EXIST!
Dax chimes in, "it is the official policy of Starfleet the Skaven are a myth, a fantasy.
Kira: Her face looking completely unamused. “That’s what you get for lax cargo inspection procedures. The cardies probably shipped us some via federation express. No doubt via Quark, the little troll. She pulls out a short barrled Siaga-12 shotgun, “I am going to ask him, very nicely”.
Security Chief Odo to Ops.
Kira: OHHH THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD. She racks back the slide on the shotgun, and now has a big Cuban cigar in her mouth and Che Gueveraa beret on her head.
Odo’s characteristically gruff voice sounded even less amused then when he had busted Quark for insider latinum trade fraud last week. “we just found more off our little friends in the replomats power distribution systems. Its offline until a through cleaning can be performed. Quark is still pleading innocent, OF COURSE. The “of course” was exaggerated and drawn out.
Quark: NO, I’VE TOLD YOU EVERYTHING!!! I DON’T KNOW ANYMO AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!....
Sisko: “Keep up the good work. NOW WHERE IS EDDISON?! I KNOW THAT SUNAFBITCH IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! HE DISGRACED THE UNIFORM, HE COULD DO ANYTHING, EVEN FROM DEATH!!!!”
The Chief could be heard cursing profusely a dozen Earth, Klingon, Cardassian and other dialects as he crawled out of tunnel. He was cover in soot, had minor burns on his face and uniform form the sparks and smelled like an upturned graveyard. He had grown horns on his head as well.
His eyes were filled with an all-consuming hatred.
“If I have to open the plasma flow valves across the ENTIRE STATION to burn the little bastards, I WILL”. I CHOOSE THE PATH OF ENDLESS TORMENT!!! (BGM: https://youtu.be/B08xZ4EB_6o)
WORF: The Klingon strode in, covered head to toe in the blood and skins of Cardassian Voles, hie eyes wide with blood fury and a terrifying grin on his face. Raising the bat’leth of Kah’less the Unforgettable into the air, he roared…
“BLOOD FOR KAHLESS! THE VOLES ARE TRULY A WORTHY ADVERSARY FOR ANY WARRIOR!!!! THEY SWARMED ME IN MY QUARTERS, CAME OUT OF THE VENTILATION DUCTS!! WAVE UPON WAVE OF THE VICIOUS TARGS!!! I FOUGHT THEM OFF FOR HOURS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! I OFFER THEM UP TO A NEW GOD OF BLOODSHED I FOUND IN HUMAN HISTORY TEXTS, KHORN! BATTLE FOR KAHLESS, VOLES FOR THE VOLE GOD!!!
Dr Julian Bashir rushed in wearing Tuxedo, an Walther PPK in his hand blazing away. “THE VOLES ARE WORKING FOR THE SOVIETS SIR! WE HAVE TO STOP THEM FROM TAKING OVER THE WORLD!”. He wasn’t even aiming as he fired around the corner and the shrieks of the vole hordes could be heard along with innocent civilians and Bajoran Militiamen firing their phasers at the horde.
End Note: WHADYA THINK?? I got this strange idea after a dream of Buzz Droids from Star Wars attacking Starfleet ships and slowly ripping them apart.
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